Tiny Mind Gazette

Practice Makes Perfect :: microMovie premier by Christopher Harting

 

The Tiny Mind Gazette is proud to be showing Christoper Harting's newest microMovie, "Practice Makes Perfect." The full-featured 1:06 minute, epic adventure features a cast of relatively unknowns engaged in a spring baseball practice. Critics have compared Harting's latest work to other sports movie classics such as Hoosiers, Brian's Song and the critically acclaimed, Catcher in the Rye (see movie still, below). Harting describes his latest masterpiece as, "Spring training plus words of wisdom – at one frame per second."

To see more of Harting's work, please click here.

Top 5 Tips for Dealing with Youth Sports (Spring Madness Edition) by Buzzy Hayes

What’s with all these youth town leagues and travel squads and all-star teams and blah blah blah? Whatever happened to kids playing in the park for Heaven’s sake? This really gets me steamed. Back in my day, all we needed was a stick and a ball to be happy. Hell, we didn’t even need a ball. Just a stick.

And you know what? There was never a grown-up to be found in my neighborhood—on or off the field now that I think of it—but we still had fun anyway.

Call me old school, but I say it’s time to get back to the basics. So here are my rules for keeping your sanity during endless seasons of youth sports. Common sense is timeless, to quote Hans-Georg Gadamer (or maybe it was Roger Clemens… whatever).

1.  BRING THE FREAK’N ORANGES
When my Jimmy is out there running his cleats off trying to beat Concord (do those kids ever lose?), he’d like an orange or two at the break. So if you sign up to bring them, bring them. How hard is that? No trash bag needed though. It’s always nice to leave a reminder or two behind for those gracious victors.

 2.  JUST ONE SPORT, PRINCESS
Make the kid focus on one sport, and that’s it. Who the hell wants to travel to swim meets and field hockey games and cheerleading practice? Waste of time. So I only have a tennis racquet in the house for my daughter. She hates tennis, but hey, that’s her decision right? I don’t want to get in the way.

 3.  NO CHEERING FOR THE OTHER SIDE
I don’t care if they’re better sports than Brian Scalabrine, never, ever cheer for the other team. No exceptions. When their kid goes down, no polite clapping to show support. Do what I do: Yell out, “How much time is left, ref?” or, if you’re winning big, “What’s the score again?” Keep your head in the game.

 4.  DON’T FOLLOW SO CLOSE ALREADY
So you’re driving four towns over on Route 128 and you’re first in the going-to-the-game caravan behind the coach. It’s OK to stay back a couple feet, really. It’s not like you’re in a line of tanks on the road to Somalia or some place like that place. Christ, back off and leave room for the Holy Ghost at least.

 5.  KEEP SCORE
None of this “everybody gets a trophy” and “let’s not keep score” baloney. Do I get a promotion every time I deserve one? No. Do I get a raise at the end of the year like I should? No. Do I get the right respect for having stayed 20 years on the job? No. Am I bitter?

Here’s my point: When your 7-year-old-and-under boys travel soccer team beats the bejeezus out of “Team X” (Concord) for the first and probably only time before you’re dead and buried, shout out that score loud and clear! You’ll want the world to know, believe me.

Buzzy Hayes has been a fixture on the local sports scene for more than 30 years. Personal achievements include a game-high 8 points vs. North Cambridge Catholic in 1973 and being the final roster cut on the 0-11 Boston College football team (he was not a student at the time.) Married with four or five children, he is currently assistant to the assistant manager at Modell's in Newton, Mass.

Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the  second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).

Nan Flanders (file photo)

Advice Columnist

Airport Security Screener

Alcoholic Beverage Distributor

Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Driver

Artificial Turf Manufacturer

Bail Bondsman

Ballroom Dance Coach

Bank Robber

Bartender

Bartender, Virtual

Bootlegger, Grateful Dead Tapes

Bowling Alley Shoe Sanitizer

Cabin Boy

Carny

Coach, Death

Coach, Life

Coach, Youth Sports

Coffee Bean Distributor

College Admissions Consultant

College Admissions Therapist

Communications Conduit Installer

Cremation Specialist

Death Tax Collector

Karl Havarti (file photo)

Deli Meat Slicer

Disney Cyrogenic Lab Technician

Drug Dealer

Drug Runner

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer, Undercover

Dunk Tank Operator

E-Coli Inspector

Escort for Hire/Socialization Specialist

Evil Villain

Fast Food Preparation & Distribution Specialist

Financial Aid Consultant, College

Follicle Management Engineer

French Meter Maid

Funeral Director

Gold Digger

Grave Robber

Gravedigger

Health Insurance Consultant

Hearse Driver

Helicopter Parent

Help Desk Attendant

Hit Man

Intern, White House

Jersey Housewife

Loan Shark

Lobbyist

Mime

Online Professor of Pharmacology

Parent-Homework Tutor

Pawn Broker

Pet Shrink

Plastic Surgeon

Plumber

Liam O'Liam (file photo)

Police Officer

Poodle Groomer

Pool Boy

Psychic, Online

Pundit

Reality Show Producer

Rehab Clinician, Celebrity

Robo-call Technician

Robocop

Scam Artist

Scapegoat

Shrink

Shrink, Family

Slaughterhouse Animal Manager

Social Media Guru

Socialite

Soldier of Fortune/Mercenary

Sports Drink Manufacturer

Super Hero

Tax Attorney

Tax Collector

Taxi Cab/ Rickshaw Pilot

Teacher

Teacher, Virtual

Televangelist

Tofurky® Molder

Toll House Cookie Baker

Town Crier

Town Drunk

Trophy Wife

Tutor

Tutor, Gifted-Focused

Wal-Mart Greeter

Water Aerobics Instructor

Yoga Instructor

Yoga Instructor, Hot

Youth Serum Distributor

Youth-Sports-Coach Shrink

Youth Sports Hydration Specialist, Equipment Manager & Team Transportation Executive

Youth Sports Shrink

Youth-Sport Taxi Cab / Rickshaw Pilot

Zumba Pants Sales Clerk / Zipcar Attendant

10 Horrific Stories That The Tiny Mind Gazette Refuses To Cover

10. German exchange student has been secretly living in Television Series section of Wapatusset video store for past three weeks, studying accents of Thurston Howell the Third. His disappearance was a simple miscommunication due to confusing accent.  

9. “Blue + Yellow” is the new “Green”.

8. Yoga purists remain adamant about the raising of Lycra in non-cage-free environments and are organizing planned Spandex boycott. Ghandi Brand® white, 100% organic cotton swaddling cloths become exercise outfit of choice.

7. Disgruntled organic farmer seen guzzling a Diet Coke® and munching on Cheez-It® Crackers, while driving Hummer® with faulty exhaust system.

6. Youth baseball coach admits: “If it weren’t for my dedication to the sport, my uncoordinated, 10 year-old would be riding the pine for the entire (30 games in 37 days) travel season just like every other uncoordinated 10 year-old on my team.”

5. Limes are garnish of choice for summer cocktail season.
Olive use increases during autumn and winter months, experts say.

4. Domestic violence and dangerous gunplay increases within homes where home schooling is education option of choice.

3. The Deadliest Intersection: demented highway expert sees limiting traffic lights as a way of “culling the herd”. 

2. Scientist fears that regular iPhone texting may cause human mutation of hands to bird-like talons—and has iPhone photo to prove it. “Bird Boy” to travel to schools throughout state to tell his harrowing tale.

1. Thanks to clever document reimaging, body waxing, and facial hair electrolysis, 24 year-old, second baseman is able to successfully join 10 year-old team, forcing coach’s son to sit on the bench throughout entire weekend tournament. 

Rants From The Book Pen: 1 Out, 2 Runs Score

A summer book review by Wapatusset Youth Baseball & Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner and head baseball coach, “Stitches” O’Williams. Stitches recently spoke to Wapatusset’s graduating class of 2010 with his forty-minute keynote rant, “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life.”

Now that the summer youth baseball season has drawn to a close (37 games in 30 days), Annie Savoy-O’Williams and I park our lawn chairs in centerfield and catch up on our summer reading. For this year’s off-season analysis and breakdown, we have selected a triple-header of titles: a classic, a classic rivalry, and a book addressing an alternative (non-baseball-centric) lifestyle.

The Classic:
Catcher in the Rye
by JD Salinger (1951)

Saw this title on the “Banned in Wapatusset List” at the public library, right under Nan Flander’s, In Any Other Town I’d be Rich & Skinny: Lessons from the Bottom Rung of a Fast-Climber’s Ladder.

Nan Flanders (file photo)
The title drew me in like a suicide squeeze but left me feeling three runs down in the bottom of the ninth. Despite the catchy title, this supposed literary masterpiece was a no-hitter in my scorebook. Expecting to read excerpts from classic plate-keepers like Johnny Bench, Roy Campanella and Yogi Berra, I was left with the field of dreams rants of outfielder-in-life, Holden Caulfield. Slide this knuckler to the bottom of the order and search for a pinch-hitter. Three strikes and this dribbler is O-U-T, out!

A Classic Rivalry:
The Last Stand: Custer, Sitting Bull, and the Battle of the Little Bighorn

by Nathaniel Philbrick (2010)

This piece of nonfiction discusses the most significant Indian victory prior to October 2, 1938 , when Cleveland Indian pitcher Bob Feller set a modern major league record of 18 strikeouts against the Detroit Tigers. 

Feller, Chief Wahoo, 1972 Oakland A's, Rollie Fingers, George Armstrong Custer
The story takes place several spots in the batting order prior to the days of the white-shoed and mustachioed 1972 Oakland Athletics team. George Armstrong Custer—who knocked the sox off the establishment with his personal alterations to the classic uniform and his fondness towards facial hair of bush league proportions. There is plenty of hit-and-run action in this book and Philbrick’s attention to detail really throws this one around the (Little Big)horn.
A grand slam of Ruthian clout. Slide into your local bookstore and bring this one home!

Alternative Lifestyle:
Marketing Lessons from the Grateful Dead: What Every Business Can Learn from the Most Iconic Band in History

by David Meerman Scott & Brian Halligan (2010)

As a lifelong proponent of crisp white uniforms and hair that is trimmed around the ear, I picked up this title with slight trepidation. However, I feel that it is often necessary to strike out and explore the other lineup card. Also, my online trading card business remains on the DL in this slumping economy. I’ll trade any marketing advice even if it comes from one of San Francisco’s (musical) Giants.

Scott and Halligan (the best one-two combination since Ortiz and Ramirez) have hit a round-tripper with this literary diamond. The book is well-pitched and efficient and an easy nine-inning read. Play ball!