Tiny Mind Gazette

10 Horrific Stories That The Tiny Mind Gazette Refuses To Cover

10. German exchange student has been secretly living in Television Series section of Wapatusset video store for past three weeks, studying accents of Thurston Howell the Third. His disappearance was a simple miscommunication due to confusing accent.  

9. “Blue + Yellow” is the new “Green”.

8. Yoga purists remain adamant about the raising of Lycra in non-cage-free environments and are organizing planned Spandex boycott. Ghandi Brand® white, 100% organic cotton swaddling cloths become exercise outfit of choice.

7. Disgruntled organic farmer seen guzzling a Diet Coke® and munching on Cheez-It® Crackers, while driving Hummer® with faulty exhaust system.

6. Youth baseball coach admits: “If it weren’t for my dedication to the sport, my uncoordinated, 10 year-old would be riding the pine for the entire (30 games in 37 days) travel season just like every other uncoordinated 10 year-old on my team.”

5. Limes are garnish of choice for summer cocktail season.
Olive use increases during autumn and winter months, experts say.

4. Domestic violence and dangerous gunplay increases within homes where home schooling is education option of choice.

3. The Deadliest Intersection: demented highway expert sees limiting traffic lights as a way of “culling the herd”. 

2. Scientist fears that regular iPhone texting may cause human mutation of hands to bird-like talons—and has iPhone photo to prove it. “Bird Boy” to travel to schools throughout state to tell his harrowing tale.

1. Thanks to clever document reimaging, body waxing, and facial hair electrolysis, 24 year-old, second baseman is able to successfully join 10 year-old team, forcing coach’s son to sit on the bench throughout entire weekend tournament. 

Advice & Subterfuge by Nan Flanders

 


Nan is a long-time resident of Wapatusset and has a PhD in social psychology from the Tell it Like It Is Online Institute. Her book, In Any Other Town I’d be Rich & Skinny: Lessons from the Bottom Rung of a Fast-Climbers’ Ladder, has recently been banned from the Wapatusset Public Library.

---
Dear Nan:
Over the past few months I have been invited to no fewer than 15 “trunk shows” held at the homes of friends and acquaintances from Wapatusset. Goods have ranged from clamshell-bedazzled skinny jeans to gasoline-powered massage tools to edible wine charms and recycled jug-wine decanter kits (acetylene torch included). I would like to support my well-meaning friends who are starting these new ventures, but frankly, my idea of a good time is not speed-sipping quarts of Pinot Grigio and buying crap I don’t need. My home is already overrun with decoupaged lamp shades. Please advise.

 

Signed,
Trunk Show Burnout

Dear Burnout:
Ahhhh. We were waiting for this question to come across our desks. Oh so complex an issue, yet so simple an answer: Politely decline all invitations. Allow us to print your real name and then head to your Panic Room. We promise you, there will be no more festively decorated envelopes in your nautically-themed mailbox. And that includes perkily cheerful invites to: festive holiday napkin swaps, navel adornment seminars, takeout food rewarming sessions, and book groups. Bon chance.

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Dear Nan:
My husband is constantly commenting on a very fit neighbor whose “butt cheeks are so tight she could crack walnuts.” I’ve tried to combat his comments with humor and have even ramped up my own personal training time to 20 hours a week, but nothing gives. Now, I feel hurt and depressed and don’t quite know what to do.

Signed,
Sweating Profusely, Yet Unnoticed

Dear Unnoticed:
You need to be upfront with your husband and let him know his inappropriate comments are hurtful, especially with the town’s high sensitivity to tree nut allergies. If his obnoxious taunting continues, let me suggest you hire Damian LaBoeuf, former bodyguard to Chuck Norris impersonator, Norm Chorris, and the lead personal trainer at the Wapatusset Club. If you’re on a budget, I believe the Suzanne Sommers ThighMaster now comes with the ButtMaster attachment. If you order immediately, they will also throw in a John Ritter Two-fer (combination nut cracker and corkscrew).

If you get in shape but his comments persist, I might suggest hiring a private detective. There are many high-end PIs familiar with the Wapatusset beat, but you won’t find them in the yellow pages. Leave a comment below and I’ll hook you up.

Problems with work, neighbors, school, marriage? Burning questions about social etiquette, social networking disease, or society in general? Global warming? The meaning of cinnamon-flavored LIFE? Prius or golf cart? Not sure what to wear to that “Save the Pickled Herring” fundraiser on Saturday night? Leave your questions for Nan in the Comments section below.

Summer Solstice 2010: a special report

Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.

 


Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.

Rev. Pines (file photo)

The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”

He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."

Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.

Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.

 

The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

-- reported by spiritual expert Agent SS

Wapatusset Albatross: Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

Monday night’s Special Town Meeting attracted thousands of Wapatusset residents to discuss why new water pipes have not yet reached the JAVA JOLT® on Route 3B. Nearly 2,000 people flooded the High School gymnasium to show their support for the infrastructure project which is slated to increase each water’s users monthly bill by at least $750 – approximately $18.00 per shower, $9.00 for a sink filled with dirty dishes and $3.75 per toilet flush.

Mrs. Forty Love, a resident who admits to drinking at least three double chai lattes with extra foam per day, was outraged to hear that her beverages have been prepared with water going through 200-year-old pipes (the settlement’s first large-scale municipal project – and at the time, an extremely costly upgrade to the muddy trenches that were established by the original settlers – who were digging and simultaneously negotiating angered Indigenous People attacks).

“The minute I heard that,” said Mrs. Love, “I knew I had to do something, so I started a petition and had everyone sign it at my Full Steam Ahead!®, power-yoga class. And I didn’t stop there; I encouraged everyone at the Look of Leather®, spray-on tan salon to come to town meeting. I was so proud to look around the room tonight and see all those bronzed faces standing up for what they believe in.”



The old pipes have been a nagging issue at the JAVA JOLT since it opened about five years ago. The color of the coffee has prevented it from being a real issue. Until now the patrons never really noticed it was brown and the coffee seems to taste just fine.

One patron noted, “I was paying tuition for my six kids at the Free 2 Bee Mee® Montessori School, my husband had just lost his job as a State Lottery, Scratch Ticket Developer and we barely had two nickels to rub together. I used to meet the other moms at the ‘JJ’ after Gym-a-palooza® and just order a glass of tap water. I actually thought that the head barista, Josh,  had a crush on me because he would always hand me a cup filled with a brown liquid instead. Thinking  that Josh was sneaking me a special coffee drink, I never considered that I was actually drinking Wapatusset tap water! – Blecch!”

The Bored Selectmen, the town’s Adversarial Board and the town citizens (some armed with pitchforks and flaming torches) spent several hours debating the ongoing water problems – and some even questioned whether air regulation would perhaps, be next. However, when it went to vote, the attendees all agreed that the pipes must be replaced at any cost. The vote was unanimous.

There were a few tenuous moments during the proceedings, that another means of settling the situation, appeared necessary. Dr. Gray Von Fleece, publicly stated that he felt a water balloon fight on the town common, might be a constructive way for each side to resolve their differences. The idea was soon pushed aside when, a per water balloon cost of $2.75 was presented and both sides agreed that such a public event would be far too costly – pushing the swirling seaside hamlet – closer and closer to the proverbial drain.

As for air – for now, breathe as much as you would like – FREE of charge!

- reported by special political correspondent, Brew Net

Last Weekend’s Manhunt Forces Overdue Changes in Police Department

Wapatusset Police Tree Officer observes suspicious yoga activity in Wapatusset forest

In light of last weekend’s manhunt and fugitive chase, the Wapatusset Police Department has instituted some sweeping policy changes. In place of the weekly Tiny Mind Gazette policeBLOG, we would like to include a recent interview with police department media representative and publicist, Liam O’Liam. Wednesday morning, we were able to join Officer O’Liam at his usual breakfast spot, Memories-O-France, as he enjoyed a black French vanilla coffee and a dish of French vanilla yogurt with fruit wedges.

O'Liam (file photo)

TMG: Officer O’Liam, thank you for your time. I think that we both realize the importance of maintaining clear and concise communication between your department and our fledgling online news publication– that is barely receiving 35 hits per day. Can you please provide us some details regarding the recent changes in the police department?

LOL: You are very welcome. Can you please pass the Splenda®. Thank you.

Once peace was restored following the lockup of (Kevin Bacon look-alike) Mr. Wolfe Chittister, the entire department engaged in a 2-day postmortem session at Hal’s Half-Acre Retirement Home and Conference Center. At the conclusion of many intense sessions, we came to the realization that multiple departmental processes and policies need to be tweaked.

TMG: While these series of meetings were being conducted, who was responsible for overseeing the public safety of our town?

LOL: On Sunday, while most of the police force was combing the woods and monitoring Tiny Harbor swimming activities, members of the Speedwell Guild, voluntarily stepped up to the plate– forming a posse subcommittee of their militia group. On Monday, this haggard band, offered to extend their protective measures of Martial Law– while we met offsite in our symposium.

TMG: Mr. Liam, can you please explain some of the changes that we should come to expect within the next few weeks?

LOL: Part of your answer is sitting right in front of me. You may have noticed that instead of my usual Buttered Crescent de Eiffel and French Vanilla Frappé, this morning I am enjoying a remarkably healthy breakfast. This is part of our internal, ‘You Are What You Eat,’ campaign. I am sure that you have noticed the ‘Donut Free Zone’ signs that have been posted around our station. Please allow me to add, that this, does not imply public safety at local donut shops will be in jeopardy. We will still continue to monitor donut shop activity– but not as customers.

TMG: Officer Liam, from what you’re saying, the police department has engaged in a program to force the officers to be in better physical shape?


Police Department Kayak Fleet (file photo)

LOL: A major portion of our sweeping departmental change, involves moving patrolpeople out of motorized police vehicles and into modes of transportation that require more physical excursion. This includes the new, police department Kayak Division, which will be patrolling Tiny Harbor– 24x7, during warm weather months. Additionally, we will be increasing the number of bicycle officers. One benefit to this, is that it will allow us to remove many of the stolen bicycles– currently stored in our station’s ‘lost and found’ department.

TMG: I understand from representatives of the Lackluster Video Store, that at least one officer from the force recently rented the movie ‘Serpico’, while another officer reportedly checked out the special anniversary edition of ‘The Wizard of Oz’. What is the connection to the department’s reengineering efforts?

LOL: During the symposium, we discussed the need to vastly improve our undercover police tactics and policies. We also became reacquainted with recent advances in, modern camouflaging techniques. During one brainstorming session, it was ‘ideated’ that there would be a significant benefit to patrolling nearby forests– by officers dressed as trees.


concept sketch by Mr. Thule

Mid-afternoon during the second day of our session, Mr. Stanley Thule, set-builder for the Wapatusset Community Theater’s production of the Kevin Bacon classic, ‘Tremors’ (in which, ironically– Mr. Chiddester was to play the lead role) provided a historical retrospective on the development of tree costumes from the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz, to present day films and theater productions. Mr. Thule has been engaged by the department, to develop several different tree uniforms, (involving at least two tree species) for the force.

TMG: Liam, we have discussed new diet regulations. What about other means of improving the physical fitness of the force?

LOL: Admittedly, there are a handful of officers who have increased their girth during the past few cold and gray winter months and would benefit from a regular fitness routine. After hours of meaningful dialog, we have devised a policy, that we feel, solves two different problems.

You may or not be aware of the multiple purse swipings  and ‘satchel’ snatchings at multitude of local yoga studios– increasing the need for yoga studio security. We look at this as a ‘win-win’ situation for the town. We will now post undercover officers within the studios– monitoring studio security– while they simultaneously engage in rigorous, fat-burning exercise. This program is scheduled to begin within the next couple of weeks. We are currently awaiting the shipment of a custom order from the Lululemon, Big & Tall Shop.

TMG: Officer Liam, I would like to thank you for your time and your candid responses to our top line of questioning. Speaking for myself, I am thrilled to hear about the positive changes that you have addressed.

LOL: You are certainly welcome. I would like to just take a moment to remind Wapatusset residents to remain alert, and not hesitate in contacting the police department to report any suspicious activity.

I would also like to mention that before engaging in forest woodcutting or lumberjack-centric activities, please inspect the tree carefully – before cutting it down.

The regularly scheduled policeBLOG will return next week.

St. Patty's Pilates Pickle, Mud Sprinting, Dumpster Dining: Police BLOG

Muddy, Muddy Sunday
Sunday, 11:00 AM – Man rescued from sinkhole in golf course after training for triathlon during Nor’easter. Claimed pond formed by floodwaters presented “serendipitous swimming opportunity” that he couldn’t pass up and that adjacent swamp sod created perfect training ground for “uphill mud sprinting” to strengthen calves. While mud-sprinting the man twisted his ankle and slipped into sinkhole below mudslide (created by mud-sprinting). Records show same man apprehended for shoplifting neoprene booties at Best Sport last fall.

Aquagenarian
Tuesday, 1:30 PM – Elderly woman stranded in 2002 Toyota Camry after attempting to drive through 3 feet of water covering Tiny Harbor causeway. Lois Blatts, 84, had made three attempts to “gun” the car through the flood, saying she’d heard about the special acceleration feature on the Today Show. Charged with several violations, including wreckless endangerment.

A Splash of Soylent Green
Wednesday, 3:15 PM – Three young housewives treated for dehydration after drinking St. Patty’s day “detox Cosmopolitans” at the Chardonnay Center following pilates class. The pureed algae, bok choy and pine needles were so pungent, claimed the women, that they could not taste the alcohol. Women requested Irish soda bread from Whole Paycheck to sober up, but were given hot cross buns from the day-old bin at Stop&Chat instead.

Dumpster Dog Days
Thursday, 7:45 PM – Several reports of dog-like animals (determined later to be Greyotes) rummaging through dumpsters and lurking by drive-through windows. Said to be “dry mouthed and haggard,” hunting for leftover egg and cheese breakfast sandwiches. One particularly desperate Greyote squeezed through a cat flap of a private home and wolfed down an entire plate of corned beef hash. Animal control officer said many of the animals causing trouble had come into town from the bordering “Irish Riviera” after a night of revelry in sports bar dumpsters. No Wapatusset animals were implicated. One out-of-towner is being questioned in connection with Thanksgiving turkey leftover heist.

- reported by AgentSS

Cell Towers In Steeples: Uglier Than Expected

architectural rendering of proposed cell tower/steeple

In cellular phone terms Wapatusset is in the proverbial DEAD ZONE. Residents might as well take their mobile electronics and skip them across Spritzing Rock Pond, counting how many times they hop – prior to smashing on the hard concrete pavement. You might as well carry a boat anchor around in your pocket. There is NO service.

To the youth of our fair town, this permanent state severely handicaps daily communication. “My texts just don’t go through,” stated 13 year-old Brittany Phipps of Boulder Street. “Taunting, provoking and demoralizing my peers through mobile Facebook has crippled my rise to ultimate power and popularity,” she quickly added.

To realtors, it is kept as a deep dark secret. “We make every attempt to accentuate the positive,” quips C. Hurmley Smythe, third generation realtor and president of Smythe & Spleen. “Wapatusset has the Center for Chardonnay Studies, the East Coast Yoga & Pilates Hall of Fame, the Independence Hall Mini-Mall and the headquarters for the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League (GROL) – but many sure sales turn to misses, when a perspective buyer attempts to make a cell phone call.”

Pines (file photo)

This is where the Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church entered the scene. Rev. Pines a former V-Mobile executive in charge of cellular signal delivery, developed a plan to turn the (slightly leaning and difficult to maintain) spire of the XUUC Church into a cellular tower – with construction expenses picked up by V-Mobile in exchange for exclusive tower usage, and church naming rights.

The project was quickly sailing through the many town offices, committees, and boards – until Tuesday night when the “Good Ship Torrie-pop” struck an iceberg of titanic proportions. It was R. Cleaves Speakes, chairman of the Historical Preservation Society who threw out the first stone.

“That is the ugliest thing that I have ever see,” remarked a sneering Mr. Seakes, as members of the V-Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church youth choir, circled the boardroom, clasping architectural renderings of the soon to be re-topped temple.

“To go through with this plan would be to ruin a perfectly good church!” –remarked hysterical board member Shirley Stemple-Frack. Following a deluge of negative remarks and grumbling rants, Rev. Pines and company, packed up the plans and quickly exited the building.

The group will reassemble again next month for another round. For now, continue to love your land line. Someday soon, Wapatusset will enjoy a cellular dawn.

Fleas, Fainting & Fried Food: It's the PoliceBLOG!

Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed. 

Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”

Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.

Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com