Just because you “work from home” (WFH), it doesn’t mean that you have to miss the traditional office holiday party experience. In fact, working out of the home’s basement workspace might actually have its own built-in benefits.
3 Reasons that WFH Office Parties Rule
(and Traditional Office Parties Drool)
1. Fear not the sobriety checkpoints established by local law enforcement officials, hoping to trap weasel-like corporate muckety-mucks who have overindulged at the company Mojito trough.
Strap yourself into your knock-off Herman Miller Aeron desk chair and let the spiked eggnog flow (let it flow, let it flow)!
2. No need to upgrade the party threads. Very seldom are home office party celebrants visually present. Sure, there is the occasional web cam shot, but quite frankly, if you are dressed for success from the shoulders up, you are in the clear.
• Veer away from overstretched t-shirt necklines.
• Steer clear of tired Dunder Mifflin themed garb. No longer funny.
• Tuxedo t-shirts. Never funny.
• Take a walk on the mild side and try a button-down. (No, Mr. Peabody – Big Lebowski replica bowling shirts and olive-loaf patterned Hawaiians do NOT count.)
• Blue oxford cloth should be the baseline standard. Work upward from that.
• Horizontal stripes? Not a great idea. Remember the video cam can add 15-20 pounds!
3. Be your own Secret Santa. In kindergarten, you bought your friend Mikey that most amazing wind-up robot. Thirty years later, you still remember the twin lasers mounted on each fabricated metal wrist that could stop any bug DEAD in its tracks.
What did “Secret Santa” give you in return? A “Candy Book” of Life Savers®. A lump of bituminous coal would have been only slightly more entertaining.
Believe me, Mikey will NEVER make the virtual office party guest list. He’s probably running a pest extermination service in Dubuque (or inventing life-saving robots at MIT).
Carpe Diem, Bucko! Set your own flexible spending limit and purchase the Santa List item that is sure to fail the family muster.
You are never too old for a razor’s edge video gaming system. And hey! What would an XtendoWii365 (blah, blah, blah) gaming console be without a first person, shoot ‘em up war game? Besides, when the living quarters’ inhabitants retire for the evening, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t keep a “late night conference call” appointment with enemy combatants.
3 Ways to Keep the In-House Event “In Check”
1. Establish clear party “start” and “stop” times. Remember, there is a family (yours) living above your “corporate office complex.” While you attempt to give your “company” its well-deserved “space,” family members are contending with youth-recreational-event transportation logistics, mountains of homework and teenage hormonal mood swings.
As much as you want to inhabit your micro-Dexter Carrington corporate headquarters 24x7, there is only a hollow core door at the top of the basement stairs separating you and your virtual colleagues from the real world. From time to time, your presence on the “other side” is required.
2. Refrain from inviting people in their physical presence. Virtual People are so much easier to deal with! No need for a coat check, no worry about finding red wine stains on the shag carpet or (days later) shrimp tails jammed into your computer’s CD-ROM drive.
Your focus can be solely on your guests as you schmooze and mingle with each attendee on your online video chat room. When your conversation has reached its absolute peak, a couple of keyboard clicks and you’re on to the next guest.
A hand sanitizer station? Who needs one? It’s not like you’re going to shake hands with them. Traditional office parties are breeding grounds for colds, influenza, scurvy and much, much worse. The only real medical concern at a home office party is getting bitten by one of the hairy spiders that live in the corners of all basements.
3. Festive Food & Drink. Sure the refrigerator is right at the top of the stairs and through the basement door. And yes, there are the usual items: luncheon meat, sliced cheese, pickles, and the partially picked carcass of some sort of bird or large reptile. Today is YOUR special day so live it large!
During your morning post office/bank/coffee shop run, stop by the “Ready 2 Eat” section of your favorite grocery store. Ritz® crackers, Cheese Whiz®, salt & vinegar potato chips and – “what the hell” – grab a pre-made, cellophane wrapped shrimp ring. Remember, you’ll be eating for one, so go light on the quantity but heavy on the selection. A Wispride® Port Wine Cheese Ball is always a sure bet for any special occasion!
Drinks? Having top-shelf liquors on hand is no longer an issue. However, no matter what cocktail concoction you are swilling, make sure that it is in a presentable glass. Drinking directly from a bottle or can is a serious virtual-party faux pas. What if your guest, on the receiving end, has projected your image on a large wall? Your festive corporate event has quickly become a 15’ billboard for Mickey’s Malt Liquor®.
Also avoid:
• Malt beverage dispensing headgear
• Jagermeister Viking helmet
• Burger King collector’s glasses (high lead content, brand attribute depleting SHREK reference)
• Bathroom Size Dixie Cups
• Any type of lab equipment (beakers, flasks, burets or funnels)
• Plastic gasoline cans (of any size)
A Few Last-Minute Tips:
As an appropriate backdrop for your Web Cam:
Carefully rearrange the office furniture, drape a festive tablecloth over your computer printer. Better yet, hang a poster of a major metropolitan city skyline (NYC, Boston, LA, Detroit, Cleveland or Baghdad) as a classy backdrop. It works for Conan and Dave, why shouldn’t it work for you, Mr./Ms. CEO!
Duct tape cables, cords and power strips to floor so there are no post-party trip-ups. Remember, you need to be back in the basement by 8:30 AM the next day. There is no time for time-depleting trips to the oral surgeon or hospital emergency room.
Last but not least, within 8 hours of the event:
Shave, shower, and change out of pajama pants. We recommend finding a pair of trousers with actual belt loops. Oh, and socks, please!
Most importantly of all, relax, enjoy your pixilated guests and have a great time.
You deserve it. Now get back to work!