Tiny Mind Gazette

Wapatusset’s Smallgreens prepares for onslaught of overheated, short-tempered and extremely sweaty concert-goers

With local temperatures approaching the 100º mark and the Middle School Spring Concert scheduled for this evening, Smallgreens Pharmacy is prepared for the worst. The Wapatusset police department received more than a few calls from disgruntled residents, who live in close proximity to the tchotchke filled, Muzak squawking, cookie-cutter chain store, complaining about the onslaught of tractor-trailer trucks delivering merchandise throughout the night.

Assistant store manager and customer-facing display inventory coordinator* Sully Rodriguez remarked: “When we learned that this year’s concert would be conducted under an H3 Alert,** we quickly sent an emergency request to HQ, requesting multiple shipments of personal fans, hand-held portable body misters, industrial-strength body spray, time-released antiperspirant, smelling salts, and extra-strength headache remedies.”

“Our pharmacy has stocked up on ACE Inhibitors, Beta Blockers and ALL forms of high blood pressure medicines.*** We have prepared for the worst!”

As a refresher, read about last year’s concert in our sister city of Winnetuxet, Wisconsin:
Record Nearly Shattered: World’s Longest School Concert

*One who stocks shelves
**Hazy, Hot, Humid
***Side effects may include: Fainting, slow or irregular heartbeat, fever and swollen ankles or feet

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Advice & Subterfuge by Nan Flanders

 


Nan is a long-time resident of Wapatusset and has a PhD in social psychology from the Tell it Like It Is Online Institute. Her book, In Any Other Town I’d be Rich & Skinny: Lessons from the Bottom Rung of a Fast-Climbers’ Ladder, has recently been banned from the Wapatusset Public Library.

---
Dear Nan:
Over the past few months I have been invited to no fewer than 15 “trunk shows” held at the homes of friends and acquaintances from Wapatusset. Goods have ranged from clamshell-bedazzled skinny jeans to gasoline-powered massage tools to edible wine charms and recycled jug-wine decanter kits (acetylene torch included). I would like to support my well-meaning friends who are starting these new ventures, but frankly, my idea of a good time is not speed-sipping quarts of Pinot Grigio and buying crap I don’t need. My home is already overrun with decoupaged lamp shades. Please advise.

 

Signed,
Trunk Show Burnout

Dear Burnout:
Ahhhh. We were waiting for this question to come across our desks. Oh so complex an issue, yet so simple an answer: Politely decline all invitations. Allow us to print your real name and then head to your Panic Room. We promise you, there will be no more festively decorated envelopes in your nautically-themed mailbox. And that includes perkily cheerful invites to: festive holiday napkin swaps, navel adornment seminars, takeout food rewarming sessions, and book groups. Bon chance.

---
Dear Nan:
My husband is constantly commenting on a very fit neighbor whose “butt cheeks are so tight she could crack walnuts.” I’ve tried to combat his comments with humor and have even ramped up my own personal training time to 20 hours a week, but nothing gives. Now, I feel hurt and depressed and don’t quite know what to do.

Signed,
Sweating Profusely, Yet Unnoticed

Dear Unnoticed:
You need to be upfront with your husband and let him know his inappropriate comments are hurtful, especially with the town’s high sensitivity to tree nut allergies. If his obnoxious taunting continues, let me suggest you hire Damian LaBoeuf, former bodyguard to Chuck Norris impersonator, Norm Chorris, and the lead personal trainer at the Wapatusset Club. If you’re on a budget, I believe the Suzanne Sommers ThighMaster now comes with the ButtMaster attachment. If you order immediately, they will also throw in a John Ritter Two-fer (combination nut cracker and corkscrew).

If you get in shape but his comments persist, I might suggest hiring a private detective. There are many high-end PIs familiar with the Wapatusset beat, but you won’t find them in the yellow pages. Leave a comment below and I’ll hook you up.

Problems with work, neighbors, school, marriage? Burning questions about social etiquette, social networking disease, or society in general? Global warming? The meaning of cinnamon-flavored LIFE? Prius or golf cart? Not sure what to wear to that “Save the Pickled Herring” fundraiser on Saturday night? Leave your questions for Nan in the Comments section below.

Newly Fit Force Flaunts Fashion & Seeks Funds: Police BLOG | Special Report

Liam O'Liam, acting police chief (file photo)

Fashion Police
The Wapatusset police department has requested a special budget override in order to upgrade its uniforms and accessories. Police chief Liam O’Liam explained that recent events have revealed the need for the force to update both its equipment and its image. As his assistant Tony D’Anthony put it, “The light blue short-sleeved shirt is so 1992.”

Given the department’s new diet and fitness mandate (issued by O’Liam after the recent manhunt), several officers have had to tailor their uniforms or use safety pins to keep their pants up. “With more officers on bicycles and kayak patrols, we have different apparel needs,” explained the chief. “Wapatusset is a very fitness- and appearance-oriented community. Image matters.”

The department has requested two-tone reflective bike polo shirts and matching stretch zip-off bike pants; Pearl Izumi PRO Versa camouflage bike shorts with cushioned Coolmax padding; and XTerra Vendetta wet suits. 

   

Puffy Pig, Al, Bill, and Steele (file montage photo)

Reno 9-1-1 vs. Remington Steele
D’Anthony explained that due to dramatic weight loss throughout the force, they have had to rummage through boxes of 30-year-old hand-me-downs to find shorts that fit. “It's like forcing Remington Steele to wear Bill Clinton's running shorts," complained Tony D. "Some of these are totally Reno 9-1-1."

 

"In terms of image, I'd say we're much more CSI. We could use some decent Dockers at the very least.”

CSI: Wapatusset
Liam O’Liam explained that in order for the force to “leverage its core competencies” it needed “best in breed” products that perform under pressure. The recent incident with the faulty belt buckle served as both an embarrassment and a wake-up call to the department. “If an officer ends up with his pants around his ankles, it can be a life-or-death situation,” said O’Liam. “This is no laughing matter.”

 

As for accessories, the force seeks to upgrade its Smith & Wesson handcuffs from the nickel finish to brushed steel. Stating that “the synthetic leather is just not cutting it,” it seeks to upgrade all belts to Brooks Brothers and holsters to Blackhawk Level II in a matte finish. Tony D. explained the need for multiple holsters per officer. “We’ve got a lot to carry, especially in summer—tasers, handguns, animal repellent, sunscreen, dog biscuits, handcuffs and Crystal Lite.”

Residents will have the opportunity to vote on this budget override on Saturday at the Wapatusset Town Hall.

- reported by Agent SS