Tiny Mind Gazette

Tiny Mind Gazette urges pixel conservation and responsible electronic publishing

US Raster Pixel Storage Depot, located near Elizabeth NJ

Wapatusset – York Benchley, publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette discussed significant cost-cutting measures during a recent Tiny Mind Gazette Publishing Group, Inc. (TMGPG) board of directors meeting. Significant staff cutbacks to unpaid interns were not addressed, as previously rumored.

However, the current pixel shortage within the digital imaging marketplace has caused unprecedented concerns from within the electronic publishing community.

With the current federal administration’s refusal to release emergency pixel reserves, electronic media online presence and sustainability has been brought into question.

TMG publisher, York Benchley III

“We have been making every effort to maximize responsible pixel use by reducing image size as well as extensive adverb and colorful adjective usage within published articles,” remarked Mr. Benchley.

“If the situation continues to worsen, we may have to resort to printing our flagship communications vehicle, Tiny Mind Gazette, on traditional fabricated wood pulp fiber sheets.”

Scientist have recently made major strides in developing a self-sustaining single point, raster pixel, that is both green and recyclable. “We totally appreciate green from an environmental and financial standpoint but our audience insists on pixel color variety,” added York, raising a half-filled highball glass containing an amber liquid and crimson maraschino cherry.

Unpaid TMG interns discuss the recent plunge in national raster pixel resources

“If we were crafting an article regarding sod growth, Peter Pan, or Green Bay Packers, green pixels would be quite acceptable,” stated TMG graphic designer, Clem Clintons. “I would rather conserve the R (red) and B (blue) pixels by well-calculated, pinpoint placement rather than flooding the screen with too much G (green),” Clem added.

Mr. Benchley also announced that Tiny Mind Gazette email notifications would cease to those individuals who have not manually subscribed to the ‘TMG feed’ located in the upper right corner of the publication. If you are a current TMG email recipient, please go to the TMG site and reregister by clicking on the link demonstrated below. “We are not going to waste our dwindling pixel reserves on emails that wallow in recipients inbox and junk mail folders.”

Better yet, click on the BIG RED BUTTON below and you will be on the road to success!

TMG Travel Tips: A frequent flier’s rant on animal/passenger behavior (and other pet peeves)

Ethology 101: Flight etiquette Mother Nature forgot to imprint at birth

Avoid getting the ethologists and the animal behaviorists in one airport waiting lounge or they'll be debating whether flying manners are genetic impressions or a learned behavior.

Do economy-class travelers automatically know to find the largest allowable roll-aboard to Bogart as much overhead space, or does it take years of practice?

Does a new flyer automatically know to place their questionable carry-ons in all available seats in the waiting area or is it developed along with frequent flyer miles?

Do Canadian vacationers going south for the winter intuitively know to drop the seatback into your lap like some out of control Lazy-Boy or did they read “Annoying Flying tips for Dummies”?

Resident TMG Ethologist and Diamond Club Air Miles member Konrad Conrad weighed in on the controversy and points out the following imprinted spring break flying tips:

• Newly hatched goslings identify the first moving object they see as “mother”; you may also get called “mother------“ if you wake up from your mid-flight nap drooling on the shoulder of the biker in the aisle seat next to you.
• Positioning for seating zones is like Karl von Frisch’s “dance language of bees.” Keep an eye out for the gentleman with the fake-Gucci computer bag and the Chuck Taylors; he's making a bee line to be the first in front of you for Zone 4.
• The sound and impact of the wheels hitting the runway set in motion the “get out first” instinct. Beware the Japanese tourist boogie boarding down the aisle on his luggage immediately after landing!
• Chemoreception 101: Remember that pheromones are a mix of good smells and bad smells. Giving in to the instinct to get a window seat in mid-plane will avoid the mixed “aroma” of the rear galley, the lavatory, and Joe Johnson's feet in seat 39C.
• Just like the communication systems of the mighty eel, travelers instinctively sense when it is time start electrically mind-melding via cell even before the pilot announces it. Just make sure you don't press that wild condor call app by mistake! 

The next time you fly, just relax and let your inner seagull lead the way to a more enjoyable flight.

by the Mysterious Dr. F, world traveler, amateur scientist and cultural affairs attache

Elderly man accidentally brings down Internet in southeast New England

A 72-year-old Wapatusset resident accidentally shut down the Internet in southeastern Massachusetts for several hours yesterday when he sliced through a fiber optic cable while digging for quahogs.

Scrim Shaw, amateur naturalist known for his Yankee thrift, was foraging for his afternoon meal in the mudflats near Weasel Dam. Equipped with a spade, lunch pail and his trusty metal detector, Mr. Shaw was digging in his usual spot when he hit an “unusual object.” Suspecting it was either “a petrified eel or a submarine telegraph cable,” he dug deeper to investigate.

Nearly all of southeast Massachusetts was without Internet access for a period ranging from two to 12 hours. “Scrim,” as the locals call him, was questioned by police chief Liam O’Liam and charged with destruction of communications equipment and as well as disrupting the ecosystem in the (already politically contentious) wetlands area. After one night in jail, he was temporarily released due to his old age and in consideration of his peculiar dietary requirements.

- reported by Technology and Crime correspondent Agent SS

National Day of Unplugging: Get your Amish on

We’re sure you are all aware that the 2nd annual National Day of Unplugging runs from sundown Friday, March 4 to sundown on Saturday, March 5. Many progressive organizations, religious zealots, Mother Jones readers and hemp underwear-clad friends may be urging you to disconnect from the Internet and reconnect with dysfunctional family members and the world around you.

At TMG, we’re going beyond the clichéd “unplug and recharge” and turning the 21^st century on its head. For one weekend only, we’ll be publishing from the dilapidated 18^th century barn behind Scrim Shaw’s ramshackle (mobile) homestead in Wapatusset Farms. Our publisher is reaching back to his Pennsylvania roots and wearing his favorite traditional garb while ordering writers, editors and the staff of unpaid interns to churn butter, spin yarn and work the makeshift letterpress while his trusty dog treads the waterwheel to conduct electricity.

Tiny Mind Gazette will also be broadcasting via short-wave radio for those who find it hard to go cold turkey to print alone. A fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls from the Coastal Institute are on standby to deliver breaking news to doorsteps throughout the 50 contiguous states, weather permitting. 

Stay tuned...

- by TMG current affairs correspondent, Sally Sisson

To the untrained eye, iPad 2 is just a huge peel-away calendar.

Our invitation to an exclusive unveiling of the iPad 2 suggests the much-lauded and highly anticipated device will primarily be a huge red and white calendar that can be peeled away each day to reveal the iPad underneath.

It's an odd design choice not even David Pogue could have predicted. Something certainly seems amiss at Apple, but we'll just have to roll with it (and so will you).

As we count the days before we crank the engine on our Lear jet, perhaps you'll help us ponder the following items:

• Is iCal poised to become the first application to ever work OUTSIDE the bounds of a device?
• Will the packaging include individual screen stickers for each day of the year?
• Will the stickers simply appear on the screen each day at midnight?
• Does Apple have an eco-friendly plan for the disposal of such stickers? With potential customers in the millions, they will certainly pose a threat to the environment.
• Will the stickers automatically display calendar events?
• Will the stickers be hearty enough to act as screen protectors?
• Will we be able to see through the stickers so that we can use the iPad while staring around a large black number?

Only time will tell, but if you have any ideas, assumptions, or actual knowledge of iPad's next iteration, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you.

10 "Last Tweets" from Ordinary Texters

#10.
Just disembarked plane. Waiting for chute to open.

#9.
At processed meat factory mesmerized by giant meat grinder.
Stepping closer to shoot photo.
Not wearing sensible shoes.


#8.
Tied to track.
Single light approaching.
Could be rescue team.
Ground trembling.
Difficult to keep fingers on keyboard.


#7.
In cage with narcoleptic tiger.
My stomach rumbling.
Found missing jerky strips in back pocket.
Opening zip-locked pouch.

#6.
Heavy traffic on freeway.
Driving with feet on dashboard.
Self-pedicure to left foot.
Texting with right.

#5.
Lunch break at 100+ degree construction site.
Napping in shade of idling steamroller.

#4.
First day with new circus.
Loaded into cannon.
Awaiting crowd roar.
Questioning safety net placement.


#3.
Just finished dinner at black tie sushi bar.
Reaching to pet polar bear at zoo fundraiser.

#2.
Ah! turkey season.
Wearing camo, hiding in tree with iPhone "Turkey Call" app.
Wicked realistic!

#1.
300 pound anvil over head.
Why is roadrunner loosening rope?

From the Safe Confines of Your Subterranean Home Office: Party Like It’s 1999!

Just because you “work from home” (WFH), it doesn’t mean that you have to miss the traditional office holiday party experience. In fact, working out of the home’s basement workspace might actually have its own built-in benefits.

3 Reasons that WFH Office Parties Rule
(and Traditional Office Parties Drool)

1. Fear not the sobriety checkpoints established by local law enforcement officials, hoping to trap weasel-like corporate muckety-mucks who have overindulged at the company Mojito trough.

Strap yourself into your knock-off Herman Miller Aeron desk chair and let the spiked eggnog flow (let it flow, let it flow)!

 

2. No need to upgrade the party threads. Very seldom are home office party celebrants visually present. Sure, there is the occasional web cam shot, but quite frankly, if you are dressed for success from the shoulders up, you are in the clear.

• Veer away from overstretched t-shirt necklines.
• Steer clear of tired Dunder Mifflin themed garb. No longer funny.
• Tuxedo t-shirts. Never funny.
• Take a walk on the mild side and try a button-down. (No, Mr. Peabody – Big Lebowski replica bowling shirts and olive-loaf patterned Hawaiians do NOT count.)
• Blue oxford cloth should be the baseline standard. Work upward from that.
• Horizontal stripes? Not a great idea. Remember the video cam can add 15-20 pounds!

3. Be your own Secret Santa. In kindergarten, you bought your friend Mikey that most amazing wind-up robot. Thirty years later, you still remember the twin lasers mounted on each fabricated metal wrist that could stop any bug DEAD in its tracks.

What did “Secret Santa” give you in return? A “Candy Book” of Life Savers®. A lump of bituminous coal would have been only slightly more entertaining.

Believe me, Mikey will NEVER make the virtual office party guest list. He’s probably running a pest extermination service in Dubuque (or inventing life-saving robots at MIT).

Carpe Diem, Bucko! Set your own flexible spending limit and purchase the Santa List item that is sure to fail the family muster.

You are never too old for a razor’s edge video gaming system. And hey! What would an XtendoWii365 (blah, blah, blah) gaming console be without a first person, shoot ‘em up war game? Besides, when the living quarters’ inhabitants retire for the evening, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t keep a “late night conference call” appointment with enemy combatants.

3 Ways to Keep the In-House Event “In Check”

1. Establish clear party “start” and “stop” times. Remember, there is a family (yours) living above your “corporate office complex.” While you attempt to give your “company” its well-deserved “space,” family members are contending with youth-recreational-event transportation logistics, mountains of homework and teenage hormonal mood swings.

As much as you want to inhabit your micro-Dexter Carrington corporate headquarters 24x7, there is only a hollow core door at the top of the basement stairs separating you and your virtual colleagues from the real world. From time to time, your presence on the “other side” is required.

2. Refrain from inviting people in their physical presence. Virtual People are so much easier to deal with! No need for a coat check, no worry about finding red wine stains on the shag carpet or (days later) shrimp tails jammed into your computer’s CD-ROM drive.

Your focus can be solely on your guests as you schmooze and mingle with each attendee on your online video chat room. When your conversation has reached its absolute peak, a couple of keyboard clicks and you’re on to the next guest.

A hand sanitizer station? Who needs one? It’s not like you’re going to shake hands with them. Traditional office parties are breeding grounds for colds, influenza, scurvy and much, much worse. The only real medical concern at a home office party is getting bitten by one of the hairy spiders that live in the corners of all basements.

3. Festive Food & Drink. Sure the refrigerator is right at the top of the stairs and through the basement door. And yes, there are the usual items: luncheon meat, sliced cheese, pickles, and the partially picked carcass of some sort of bird or large reptile. Today is YOUR special day so live it large!

During your morning post office/bank/coffee shop run, stop by the “Ready 2 Eat” section of your favorite grocery store. Ritz® crackers, Cheese Whiz®, salt & vinegar potato chips and – “what the hell” – grab a pre-made, cellophane wrapped shrimp ring. Remember, you’ll be eating for one, so go light on the quantity but heavy on the selection. A Wispride® Port Wine Cheese Ball is always a sure bet for any special occasion!

Drinks? Having top-shelf liquors on hand is no longer an issue. However, no matter what cocktail concoction you are swilling, make sure that it is in a presentable glass. Drinking directly from a bottle or can is a serious virtual-party faux pas. What if your guest, on the receiving end, has projected your image on a large wall? Your festive corporate event has quickly become a 15’ billboard for Mickey’s Malt Liquor®.

Also avoid:
• Malt beverage dispensing headgear
• Jagermeister Viking helmet
• Burger King collector’s glasses (high lead content, brand attribute depleting SHREK reference)
• Bathroom Size Dixie Cups
• Any type of lab equipment (beakers, flasks, burets or funnels)
• Plastic gasoline cans (of any size)

A Few Last-Minute Tips:

As an appropriate backdrop for your Web Cam:
Carefully rearrange the office furniture, drape a festive tablecloth over your computer printer. Better yet, hang a poster of a major metropolitan city skyline (NYC, Boston, LA, Detroit, Cleveland or Baghdad) as a classy backdrop. It works for Conan and Dave, why shouldn’t it work for you, Mr./Ms. CEO!

Duct tape cables, cords and power strips to floor so there are no post-party trip-ups. Remember, you need to be back in the basement by 8:30 AM the next day. There is no time for time-depleting trips to the oral surgeon or hospital emergency room.

Last but not least, within 8 hours of the event:
Shave, shower, and change out of pajama pants. We recommend finding a pair of trousers with actual belt loops. Oh, and socks, please!

Most importantly of all, relax, enjoy your pixilated guests and have a great time.
You deserve it. Now get back to work!

“How to Be the Hit of the Holiday Party”: 7 Top Office Party Tips

TMG’s “Bad Advice” series

Forget everything you’ve read about office parties. Our in-house Life Coach debunks the standard do’s and don’ts and gives frank advice and practical tips you can actually use.

• Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

• After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

• By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

• Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:
  • “Small is the new big.” (Seth Godin)
  • “Green is the new black.” (Graydon Carter)
  • “Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.” (Tony Robbins)

• Shy? Sober? At a loss for words? Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.
  
  • “What’s your core competency?”
  • “Do you like animals?”
  • “So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…” (you get the idea)

• Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top” (Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

• Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

TMG's own life coach, crime reporter and society columnist is available to answer all your questions about party etiquette and work/life balance. Leave a comment below and we'll get back to your asap.

Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

1. Casual Day defined as wearing full pajama set – not just grungy t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

2. Wearing make-your-own T-shirts with slogans like “You’re not the boss of me,” “Freebird, Baby” and "Fear of Internet outage makes me extra jumpy."

3. Heated arguments with Terry Gross, Tom Ashbrook and Lakshmi Singh.

4. Coffee with Regis and Kelly.

5. Police scanner as “personal assistant” and excuse to “run emergency errand.”

6. Tweeting the “mother ship” in hopes of obtaining further instructions.

7. Texting neighbors’ cats.

8. Terrorizing squirrels with BB gun.

9. Scheduling lunch meetings with shredder, Crock Pot, and can of Ozone-Friendly Dust Remover.

10. Wearing anything with a Dunder Mifflin logo.

11. Terrorizing squirrels with paperclip slingshots.

12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

13. Impressing high school Facebook friends that you really know what you are doing and are NOT just wasting time when you should be saving the world or something. (There, I said it.)

14. Squirrel Taco Day at the home office commissary (just watch for the BBs since you can’t afford a self-employed dental plan).

15. Secretly digging tunnel to outside world with iPad stylus and broken beer bottle.

Church Steeple/Cell Tower Smolders as Citizens Point Fingers

 Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:

#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.

#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.

 

Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.

 

 
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.

 

“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”

 

Hooper (file photo)

Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”

 

Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.

 

McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse

“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”

Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)

A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”