Tiny Mind Gazette

Tiny Mind Gazette urges pixel conservation and responsible electronic publishing

US Raster Pixel Storage Depot, located near Elizabeth NJ

Wapatusset – York Benchley, publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette discussed significant cost-cutting measures during a recent Tiny Mind Gazette Publishing Group, Inc. (TMGPG) board of directors meeting. Significant staff cutbacks to unpaid interns were not addressed, as previously rumored.

However, the current pixel shortage within the digital imaging marketplace has caused unprecedented concerns from within the electronic publishing community.

With the current federal administration’s refusal to release emergency pixel reserves, electronic media online presence and sustainability has been brought into question.

TMG publisher, York Benchley III

“We have been making every effort to maximize responsible pixel use by reducing image size as well as extensive adverb and colorful adjective usage within published articles,” remarked Mr. Benchley.

“If the situation continues to worsen, we may have to resort to printing our flagship communications vehicle, Tiny Mind Gazette, on traditional fabricated wood pulp fiber sheets.”

Scientist have recently made major strides in developing a self-sustaining single point, raster pixel, that is both green and recyclable. “We totally appreciate green from an environmental and financial standpoint but our audience insists on pixel color variety,” added York, raising a half-filled highball glass containing an amber liquid and crimson maraschino cherry.

Unpaid TMG interns discuss the recent plunge in national raster pixel resources

“If we were crafting an article regarding sod growth, Peter Pan, or Green Bay Packers, green pixels would be quite acceptable,” stated TMG graphic designer, Clem Clintons. “I would rather conserve the R (red) and B (blue) pixels by well-calculated, pinpoint placement rather than flooding the screen with too much G (green),” Clem added.

Mr. Benchley also announced that Tiny Mind Gazette email notifications would cease to those individuals who have not manually subscribed to the ‘TMG feed’ located in the upper right corner of the publication. If you are a current TMG email recipient, please go to the TMG site and reregister by clicking on the link demonstrated below. “We are not going to waste our dwindling pixel reserves on emails that wallow in recipients inbox and junk mail folders.”

Better yet, click on the BIG RED BUTTON below and you will be on the road to success!

Dog Paddler's Diary: Kamehameha! Someone Spam-Musubied My In-Box!

From the editor: Dr. F. takes us to the sunny shores of Oahu. The good doctor (not a real medical doctor) spent a five-year stint in the Aloha State in the early 90s and regularly returns to stock up on favorite foodstuffs and supplies.

I had just finished the last precious morsels of my usual breakfast of Cheerios bathed in a large bowl of coffee, with two spoons of sugar and milk (no dairy creamer for me!).

I sparked up the old faithful Dimension 2100 Internet wave machine (known in advanced circles as an old computer) and gazed hopefully into the screen of my Synchmaster 753DF.

I activated the precision programming of my trusty search engine (or, as I like to call it, Dog Paddling Central) and heard the deadening boom of "You've Got Mail!" My heart pounded with anticipation at seeing the little blue envelope icon with a small green oval that read "750".

Hmmm…750…quite a big wave of Internet water for this dog-paddling novice! Was I ready? What mysterious adventures lay ahead?

Another sonic boom of "You've got mail!", and the seven email seas opened before me.

The titles for as far as the eye could see all read "110% Lowest Price Guarantee! Order Coconut Bras today!"

Holy Hilo Hattie's! I'd been "Spam Musubied!"

Ah! Spam musubi, the ultimate in Hawaiian snacks made from grilled SPAM, on rice, lovingly embraced in a "delicate" seaweed wrapper (lots of pictures on the Internet; It's like sushi gone wrong, but mighty tasty); but then, I digress.

Ah! SPAM musubi! (not to be confused with Dr. M. Kaschube, author of Pinwheel Stability Pattern Selection and the Geometry of Visual Space)… a cheaper sound reference would be the comparison to some other member of the Kaschube family, but then they would be bombarded with Facebook friend requests.

Ahem....back to the dog paddling...

The Username was correct: MMWW4ME (Mickey Mouse Water Wings for Me).

This mysterious Internet creature only identified her/himself as Luau Mama.

Had I given someone the wrong impression? Did I mistype at some time during my Internet swimming lessons up at the Valley Hunt Club Pool and Internet Cafe?

Surely I wasn't in the market for a coconut bra, as Aloha Fridays are a celebration of the amazing print patterns of the Aloha State and rarely leave room for this craftsman's delight.

What a dilemma! Opening 750 tiny waves of information, all from the same wellspring, delivered precisely every 40 seconds over the last 8-plus hours, would sure create an Internet wave of Banzai Pipeline proportions.

I speed paddled with my trusty cursor and the words blurred by as I scrolled down. I feared a killer Internet riptide which would suck me out to the Internet seas for good. I wasn't sure rip current safety tips I learned on Hawaii 50 (the original version) would apply. With which shoreline was I swimming parallel? Were the margins safe?

Thinking fast, with no Internet lifeguard in sight, I boogie-boarded the shift key across all the shimmering discount titles and pressed the curser, with an immediate "hang ten" on the "Enter" key.

And....Voila! The impending Internet tidal wave disappeared into the ether-world like an unsuspecting tourist in that most deceptive of all Hanauma Bay tourist "attractions," the Toilet Bowl (a natural pool formed by centuries of waves beating against the lava rock at Hanauma Bay on the beautiful island of Oahu; not that getting "flushed" against shards of razor-sharp lava is my idea of a "do before you die experience").

The resultant calm on the Syncmaster 753DF resembled Quaker Lake at sunset on a hot August afternoon.

Another dog paddling drowning avoided, but it left me with a lingering, longing, desire to Google Big Kahuna's on Oahu and inquire if they delivered their pulled pork sandwiches to "the Mainland."

Mahalo! Aloha! ....and jellyfish-free dog paddling to you!– Dr. F

10 "Last Tweets" from Ordinary Texters

#10.
Just disembarked plane. Waiting for chute to open.

#9.
At processed meat factory mesmerized by giant meat grinder.
Stepping closer to shoot photo.
Not wearing sensible shoes.


#8.
Tied to track.
Single light approaching.
Could be rescue team.
Ground trembling.
Difficult to keep fingers on keyboard.


#7.
In cage with narcoleptic tiger.
My stomach rumbling.
Found missing jerky strips in back pocket.
Opening zip-locked pouch.

#6.
Heavy traffic on freeway.
Driving with feet on dashboard.
Self-pedicure to left foot.
Texting with right.

#5.
Lunch break at 100+ degree construction site.
Napping in shade of idling steamroller.

#4.
First day with new circus.
Loaded into cannon.
Awaiting crowd roar.
Questioning safety net placement.


#3.
Just finished dinner at black tie sushi bar.
Reaching to pet polar bear at zoo fundraiser.

#2.
Ah! turkey season.
Wearing camo, hiding in tree with iPhone "Turkey Call" app.
Wicked realistic!

#1.
300 pound anvil over head.
Why is roadrunner loosening rope?

Readers Pick The Greatest Clicks: Tiny Mind Gazette’s Top 5 Stories of 2010

Number 5.
On The Road to Extinction: 25 Exits to Avoid on the Career Path Highway.

Excerpt:
As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Number 4.
Paging Dr. Barkle, canine therapist: Points For Pointer, Better Than Cats (again and again), Nuts About Acorns

Excerpt:
So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?

Number 3.
Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

Excerpt:
#12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

Number 2.
Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

Excerpt:
As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Number 1.
25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

Excerpt:
#14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

Happy 2011 from the editors, staff and unpaid interns of the Tiny Mind Gazette!

“How to Be the Hit of the Holiday Party”: 7 Top Office Party Tips

TMG’s “Bad Advice” series

Forget everything you’ve read about office parties. Our in-house Life Coach debunks the standard do’s and don’ts and gives frank advice and practical tips you can actually use.

• Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

• After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

• By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

• Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:
  • “Small is the new big.” (Seth Godin)
  • “Green is the new black.” (Graydon Carter)
  • “Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.” (Tony Robbins)

• Shy? Sober? At a loss for words? Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.
  
  • “What’s your core competency?”
  • “Do you like animals?”
  • “So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…” (you get the idea)

• Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top” (Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

• Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

TMG's own life coach, crime reporter and society columnist is available to answer all your questions about party etiquette and work/life balance. Leave a comment below and we'll get back to your asap.

Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

1. Casual Day defined as wearing full pajama set – not just grungy t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

2. Wearing make-your-own T-shirts with slogans like “You’re not the boss of me,” “Freebird, Baby” and "Fear of Internet outage makes me extra jumpy."

3. Heated arguments with Terry Gross, Tom Ashbrook and Lakshmi Singh.

4. Coffee with Regis and Kelly.

5. Police scanner as “personal assistant” and excuse to “run emergency errand.”

6. Tweeting the “mother ship” in hopes of obtaining further instructions.

7. Texting neighbors’ cats.

8. Terrorizing squirrels with BB gun.

9. Scheduling lunch meetings with shredder, Crock Pot, and can of Ozone-Friendly Dust Remover.

10. Wearing anything with a Dunder Mifflin logo.

11. Terrorizing squirrels with paperclip slingshots.

12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

13. Impressing high school Facebook friends that you really know what you are doing and are NOT just wasting time when you should be saving the world or something. (There, I said it.)

14. Squirrel Taco Day at the home office commissary (just watch for the BBs since you can’t afford a self-employed dental plan).

15. Secretly digging tunnel to outside world with iPad stylus and broken beer bottle.

Lance Norris: SCROOGE Nominee of the People, please phone home!

As the Pageant of SCROOGE kicks into high gear, a well-orchestrated, town-based, write-in campaign is demanding that local bitter man, Lance Norris (file photo featured on left) be named as the fourth candidate for town Scrooge.

At this moment, town officials – including the Bored Selectmen, have been unable to reach Mr. Norris who was last seen performing with his band, "The Tools." Tiny Town CSI unit lead investigator Liam O'Liam (left) had this to say, "Despite his bitter misdemeanor and overwhelming and often unpleasant curmudgenous, he is a valuable member of our community – and if my memory serves me right, still owes me $7."

Lance, if you are out there, please phone home. We have a pageant to run, for God's sake.

Idling Bulldozers Poised Outside Tiny Mind Headquarters

With time running out for the Tiny Mind Gazette's Face Book Fan-Raising Campaign (now 44 Fans short of reaching the goal of 200) – construction vehicles can be heard idling outside of the Tiny Mind Tower.

Major Investor Poised to Pull Tiny Mind Plug – and Shake It All About

Granted that there has been a steady rise in the Tiny Mind Facebook fan base, TMG will be forced to shut down on Friday, unless 200 fans are enrolled – claims a major investor, and his socially misfit band of corporate lunkheads and muckity-mucks.

“Despite the popularity of the online publication, we are extremely disappointed in the ROI,” claimed the TMG CEO on Tuesday. “These are not the times to say WTF and go forward with investments leveraged by 401k’s and IOU’s.” “We need to nip this situation in the bud ASAP.”

Wall Street insiders have heard rumors that the MI (pictured on left) and his band of CLAMMs are looking to redirect funds into the newly formed professional hokey-pokey league.

Those in favor of Tiny Mind’s survival should rally all Facebook users to enroll as Tiny Mind fans. Remember, the Tiny Mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The Tiny Mind has shown a significant rise in its Facebook fan base since its inception the Autumn of 2009. Investors have set a deadline of Friday, December 11 for the TMG to recruit fan number 200 – or the "plug gets pulled." chart: ©2009 Facebook

Why The Tiny Mind Must Be Snuffed.

Guest Editorial Commentary by a Common Lawn Gnome

The weblog, Tiny Mind Gazette is a sarcastic riff of senseless fodder. It is silly dribble in the form of unenlightened pixels on a lighted screen. Thank the good Lord above, that not a tree is felled in the delivery of this yellow journalism, wrapped in a shade of burnt sienna.

Sure I indulge in the ingestion of every flickering word and phrase – pausing for commas, stopping at periods and heightening my enthusiasm when greeted by the occasional exclamation mark! Believe me when I tell you that this is done out of an over-washing fear of laser-targeted sarcastic wit, and not, from a yearning for instilled truth and meaningful dialog.

With this, I bid you a good day and adieu.