Tiny Mind Gazette

Church Steeple/Cell Tower Smolders as Citizens Point Fingers

 Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:

#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.

#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.

 

Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.

 

 
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.

 

“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”

 

Hooper (file photo)

Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”

 

Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.

 

McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse

“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”

Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)

A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”

WPATV Channel 13: Announces Three New Shows for Fall Lineup

Wapatusset Public Access TV (Channel 13) will be adding three new shows to their fall lineup. The locally produced shows are being generously underwritten by V-Mobile, in exchange for an agreement reached with the Wapatusset Police Department.  All uniformed officers will now wear miniature mobile cell towers on their heads, disguised inside English Bobby-style police helmets.

Anthony (file photo)
“We think that this uniform upgrade will add to our village’s quaint character, make our police force more approachable, and greatly improve cell phone coverage. Win, win, win!” remarked Channel 13 news anchor Edwardo Anthony. “In addition, the local programming will allow our seaside hamlet to showcase some of our theatrical talents. I have already been asked to make a guest appearance on an episode of Desperate Dumpsters.”

“You can’t swing a cat without hitting a casting trailer or a catering truck,” stated Animal Control Officer Studs Snerkel. “My cousin Lou landed the lead role in N*I*M*B*Y. They’ve asked me to help out with some of the animal training and wrangling, on an as- needed basis. I am currently wiring up a chipmunk so that it talks like Mr. Ed.”

Here is a quick summary of the three new series:

GPS: Spells Murder

Each week, celebrity guests find themselves behind the wheel of a Toyota Prius with a portable navigation system. Despite punching in the GPS logistics of their desired destination, the navigation system directs the driver to a murder scene. Immediately following their arrival, they are arrested by a handsomely clever police detective and his whacky sidekick, who have been monitoring the activity within the Prius through hidden video cameras. It is up to the celebrity guests to prove their innocence as well as solve the murder mystery.

Desperate Dumpsters
Question: What do the women of Wampatusset prefer more than diamonds?

Answer: A dumpster in their driveway!  

A large, portable dumpster receptacle parked in your driveway can only mean one thing: You are having your kitchen remodeled! In this series, a handsomely clever Mormon contractor and his whacky sidekick find themselves ducking and dodging advances from suburban housewives, desperate for new cabinets, countertops and high-end appliances.

N*I*M*B*Y (Not In My Back Yard)
In this reality series, unsuspecting homeowners awake to find something undesirable in their backyard. Items may include: a dilapidated motor home, any large object covered with a bright blue tarp, a school bus load of Rastafarian street performers, a gaggle of lawn gnomes, etc.

At the beginning and end of each show, cardiologist Dr. Gray Von Fleece secretly monitors the vital signs of the unsuspecting victims. The more drastic the change, the more points are accumulated. The top four high-scorers will return for a holiday special where a grand prize winner is selected. The show is hosted by an adorable talking chipmunk, making it suitable entertainment for the entire family.

Summer Solstice 2010: a special report

Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.

 


Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.

Rev. Pines (file photo)

The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”

He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."

Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.

Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.

 

The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

-- reported by spiritual expert Agent SS

Cell Towers In Steeples: Uglier Than Expected

architectural rendering of proposed cell tower/steeple

In cellular phone terms Wapatusset is in the proverbial DEAD ZONE. Residents might as well take their mobile electronics and skip them across Spritzing Rock Pond, counting how many times they hop – prior to smashing on the hard concrete pavement. You might as well carry a boat anchor around in your pocket. There is NO service.

To the youth of our fair town, this permanent state severely handicaps daily communication. “My texts just don’t go through,” stated 13 year-old Brittany Phipps of Boulder Street. “Taunting, provoking and demoralizing my peers through mobile Facebook has crippled my rise to ultimate power and popularity,” she quickly added.

To realtors, it is kept as a deep dark secret. “We make every attempt to accentuate the positive,” quips C. Hurmley Smythe, third generation realtor and president of Smythe & Spleen. “Wapatusset has the Center for Chardonnay Studies, the East Coast Yoga & Pilates Hall of Fame, the Independence Hall Mini-Mall and the headquarters for the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League (GROL) – but many sure sales turn to misses, when a perspective buyer attempts to make a cell phone call.”

Pines (file photo)

This is where the Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church entered the scene. Rev. Pines a former V-Mobile executive in charge of cellular signal delivery, developed a plan to turn the (slightly leaning and difficult to maintain) spire of the XUUC Church into a cellular tower – with construction expenses picked up by V-Mobile in exchange for exclusive tower usage, and church naming rights.

The project was quickly sailing through the many town offices, committees, and boards – until Tuesday night when the “Good Ship Torrie-pop” struck an iceberg of titanic proportions. It was R. Cleaves Speakes, chairman of the Historical Preservation Society who threw out the first stone.

“That is the ugliest thing that I have ever see,” remarked a sneering Mr. Seakes, as members of the V-Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church youth choir, circled the boardroom, clasping architectural renderings of the soon to be re-topped temple.

“To go through with this plan would be to ruin a perfectly good church!” –remarked hysterical board member Shirley Stemple-Frack. Following a deluge of negative remarks and grumbling rants, Rev. Pines and company, packed up the plans and quickly exited the building.

The group will reassemble again next month for another round. For now, continue to love your land line. Someday soon, Wapatusset will enjoy a cellular dawn.