Tiny Mind Gazette

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

A/C, Commuter Tunnel and Rooftop Dome Deliver Sweat-Free Lifestyle, 24/7

In a proactive response to global warming trends, the new TOD (Transit Overlay District) Lifestyle Mall is busy constructing a climate-controlled underground tunnel, connecting the mall to the nearby commuter rail station. Commuters will soon be able to walk from home to work, barely breaking a sweat.

Phase two of the construction project will bring a giant plexiglass dome to enclose the Rooftop Lifestyle Lounge. This will allow mall residents and the general public to enjoy Zumba classes, rock climbing, cocktail parties, mini triathlons, and myriad Carnival Cruise type offerings in air-conditioned comfort.

Atkins (on right) (file photo)
Mall architect and lifestyle consultant Alan Q. Atkins (distant cousin of diet guru Dr. Atkins) told the local zoning board the dome will be “bigger than the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, smaller than The Simpsons Movie.” Although he did not provide a scale model, he said it would be “tasteful—trust me.”

Air conditioning will be supplied on a sliding scale basis. The Gilded Cod condo units will have unlimited central A/C; Simply Scrod will have pay-as-you-go controls; and the affordable units in the Clam Strip will have window units in the upstairs bedrooms only.

Stay tuned for updates. For more details on the TOD Lifestyle Mall, see:

Luxury Mega-Mall Living and Hot TODdies with TODd Palin

Scrodwell Offers Seafood Salad of Options at Mega-Mall

Ask a Deli Meat Slicer: Waxing, Hairnets, Tryptophan and Prii*

Evenhanded Advice from Stop&Chat Deli Manager, Karl Havarti

Dear Karl:
My husband recently had his chest and back waxed.
He said that it was for competing in the recent triathlon but I am not sure.
Do you think that he is gay?

Signed,
Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck:
I am thinking that your husband is a metrosexual with serious hair phobia issues (HPI). This happens.



There was a time when I insisted on wearing a hairnet 24/7–not just behind the deli counter. And Lord knows, I am a 100% Babe Magnet. Let it go. If he starts excessive Glee watching, drop me another note. If this is the case, you may be on to something.
Karl.

Dear Karl:
My 10-year-old signed up for summer baseball. We will be playing 37 games within the next 30 days–including weekend tournaments (on some godforsaken, dusty fields with no physical address, a stinking port-a-potty, and snack bars hawking processed meat by-product sandwiches that have been charred beyond recognition). For between-game meals, I pack turkey sandwiches for my son and me.

Herein lies the problem.
The combination of long and tedious baseball games and the turkey’s sleep-inducing tryptophan causes me to lose focus and zone out. This is a problem since I am the team’s statistician and scorekeeper. What should I do?

Signed,
Trypping Out in the Dugout.

Dear Trypping:
Recently, one of our suppliers introduced a liverwurst with a "Caffeine Burst." The product is still being beta-tested and may be available by early autumn. I have heard that it is quite popular with long-distance freight haulers.

I played Little League in my youth and still have nightmares involving right field and bloodsucking weeds that wrap themselves around my ankles and work their way up to my neck, choking the very life out of me.

For you and your son’s current dilemma, I might suggest a sport with less passivity and a little more action–Lacrosse, for instance. Full contact mini-golf is another idea.
Karl.


Karl:
Like my hero, Al Gore, I am all about saving the earth and doing my part. But what is with the Toyota Prius?

Signed,
Mr. Green

Dear Mr. Green:
I know exactly where you are coming from. I look at one of those vehicles and see either kitchen appliance or clown car.



The next time that you are in the store, stop by the Sushi section. The same Japanese engineering that went into making those preciously rolled, raw-fish crumpets (with the fish-egg filling and plastic grass dividers) designed the Prius.

I sense that like me, you are more of a Salami, Bologna and Braunschweiger type of dude. Put you behind the wheel of a Mustang, Camaro or an F-150 – and you are THE MAN! Put you behind the wheel of a Prius and you might as well be watching Glee and scorekeeping Little League baseball games.


 
Do your earth-saving due diligence by picking "paper" over "plastic." The next time you start thinking Prius, ask yourself : Would John Wayne, Charlton Heston, Mel Gibson or Steve McQueen drive a car with 9” tires that hums as it passes?

Rock on.
Karl.

*plural of Prius (we Googled it)

Local Man Completes 2009 Triathlon

The 2010 Wapatusset Triathlon (the fourth annual) concluded on a beautiful summer morning, nearly 10 days ago – with over 1000 athletes competing in the swim, bike and run event.

Yesterday morning at approximately 6:00 AM, a gray-bearded, 57 year-old, O. Rogers Willem crossed the finish line – his 2009 entry number, still safety-pinned to his sweat-stained jersey back.

O. Rogers Willem following the race

There wan’t much of a crowd at the finish line – just a couple of young fishermen on their way to the town dock, an early morning dog-walker or two, and delivery truck operators – dropping off the days supply of newspapers, cigarettes and other summer sundries.

A bit winded and thirsty, Willems had returned to the scene, over 375 days following the race’s start. “The swimming event went well, I had a great finish in the bike portion, but it was in the running leg of the race when the endorphins kicked in and I was in ‘the zone,’ stated an exhausted but relieved Willem. “In fact, I was so in ‘the zone,' that I missed several directional signs and ran nearly 700 miles off course.”

“It took me most of the fall of 2009 to regain my bearings and to get a sense of how far I had actually run off-course. For much of the winter, I hibernated in a cave with a pack of Greyotes who allowed me to share their food and hospitality. By spring I was fully rested and began to trace my steps back to Wapatusset,” Willems continued.


O'Liam (file photo)

According to the Wapatusset Police Department’s lead Search & Rescue specialist, Liam O’Liam, the hunt for Willems was closed just before Labor Day. “There was a lot going on in town at the time – with the ‘Fall Festival of Leaves’ right around the corner, and all the road maintenance work requiring a uniformed police presence – quite frankly, we didn’t have the personnel to continue.”

Asked if he would return for next year’s race, Mr. Willem replied, “Assuming that I can get my job back and relocate my family, I see no reason NOT to return!”