Tiny Mind Gazette

TMG Travel Tips: A frequent flier’s rant on animal/passenger behavior (and other pet peeves)

Ethology 101: Flight etiquette Mother Nature forgot to imprint at birth

Avoid getting the ethologists and the animal behaviorists in one airport waiting lounge or they'll be debating whether flying manners are genetic impressions or a learned behavior.

Do economy-class travelers automatically know to find the largest allowable roll-aboard to Bogart as much overhead space, or does it take years of practice?

Does a new flyer automatically know to place their questionable carry-ons in all available seats in the waiting area or is it developed along with frequent flyer miles?

Do Canadian vacationers going south for the winter intuitively know to drop the seatback into your lap like some out of control Lazy-Boy or did they read “Annoying Flying tips for Dummies”?

Resident TMG Ethologist and Diamond Club Air Miles member Konrad Conrad weighed in on the controversy and points out the following imprinted spring break flying tips:

• Newly hatched goslings identify the first moving object they see as “mother”; you may also get called “mother------“ if you wake up from your mid-flight nap drooling on the shoulder of the biker in the aisle seat next to you.
• Positioning for seating zones is like Karl von Frisch’s “dance language of bees.” Keep an eye out for the gentleman with the fake-Gucci computer bag and the Chuck Taylors; he's making a bee line to be the first in front of you for Zone 4.
• The sound and impact of the wheels hitting the runway set in motion the “get out first” instinct. Beware the Japanese tourist boogie boarding down the aisle on his luggage immediately after landing!
• Chemoreception 101: Remember that pheromones are a mix of good smells and bad smells. Giving in to the instinct to get a window seat in mid-plane will avoid the mixed “aroma” of the rear galley, the lavatory, and Joe Johnson's feet in seat 39C.
• Just like the communication systems of the mighty eel, travelers instinctively sense when it is time start electrically mind-melding via cell even before the pilot announces it. Just make sure you don't press that wild condor call app by mistake! 

The next time you fly, just relax and let your inner seagull lead the way to a more enjoyable flight.

by the Mysterious Dr. F, world traveler, amateur scientist and cultural affairs attache

Tiny Mind Gazette at the Masters golf tournament

Prior to being detained by Augusta Regional Airport security (misunderstanding over misinterpretation of US Customs guidelines), TMG reporter, the mysterious Dr. F. was able to snap these photos demonstrating the Tiny Mind Gazette's unofficial sponsorship of the Masters golf tournament.

Halitosis-checker iPhone app to the rescue

World traveler Dr. F on bad breath and business travel

Excuse me sir, would you like to stow that case of halitosis in the upper bin?
How many bags will you need for that case of bad milk breath?
Excuse me ma'am! Is that your breath or did a water buffalo die in the seat behind me?

The wheels were up on my Trans-Pacific trek back to colder climes. A window seat and noiseless headphones...in the first stages of Non-Rapid Eye Movement One (NREM1)...starting to drift...nine-hour nap-time coming home to daddy...

And then...the little man in the brain goes on red alert. The olfactory glands start working overtime. Eyes are watering and the head is spinning to determine point of origin.

The head swivels from right to left and locks on the gent next to me. And then... on the lass with the green teeth directly behind me.

It wasn't the Toxic Twins (I travel in coach), but worse yet it was the Toxic Twosome:
Malodor Marvin and Halitosis Helen, to my right and rear.

I looked out window and vultures were sitting on the wing, badly deceived by this rancid odor.

Tech solutions for CSI and self diagnosis

High-tech app

 
If only I had the new Orabrush breath-checker iPhone app! I could pass it back to my fellow travelers and let them test if for themselves. (Note to self: Must enter 21st century and upgrade my 35 lb. Bag Phone to an iPhone soon.) Business travelers, this app is a marvelous invention!

Low-tech appliance
Unfortunately, my trusty 40-lb. high-tech Halimeter machine didn’t make it through security clearance.

All-in-one solution

 

Of course, a quick self-inspection was in order to ensure I wasn't contributing to this intermingling of nasal nastiness. Coincidentally, a Therabreath segment was flashing on the mini TV on the headrest in front of me.

I followed the instructions, then reviewed my pre-flight online breath test scores (still waiting for baggie of air I posted by mail to be evaluated). All seats were taken and I was blocked into my window seat by M.M. and his lovely wife H.H. was parting the back of my hair with eye-watering exhalation that would have knocked the proverbial buzzard off a manure wagon.

It got worse when the ill winds from the East met the bad air from the South and formed a purple cloud over my head that would rival Denver smog (and the “interesting smells of a Bangkok side-street”).

Finally...the flight attendant came up and passed me a note asking me if I'd like to trade in 10,000 frequent flyer miles for an improvised gas mask made from two Sani-Wipes and her demo oxygen mask.

“Sign me up!” I said. And within seconds I was off to slumberland...

Next time I’ll come armed with all necessary high-tech devices (and my own vintage WWI gas mask).

Need help?

If you think you might have a problem with halitosis, watch this video and check the TheraBreath blog for self-testing and tips.

Time to kill while waiting for your breath results? Watch this video of Mr. Bean checking his breath before meeting the Queen.

 

Special report from travel correspondent and low-tech gadget master, the Mysterious Dr. F:
“I may not be a real doctor, but I play one on TV.”

It's Crazy Driver Friday!

It's the end of the work week; a time for those inconsiderate strangers to use up their rollover minutes in the hammer lane, the mall parking lot, and even through three red lights just to keep you on your driving toes. A time to use those defensive driver skills you learned with Mr. Hamm in 10th grade Driver's Ed.

Thoughtless drivers don't need a season to celebrate their blessing on humanity. Here are some thoughtful gifts for the aggressive driver who has everything:

1. Turn Signal Kit: Easily installed in those BMWs, Mercedes, and twelve-ton meat trucks that obviously forgot to buy the turn signal kit with their initial vehicle purchase.

2. Mental Turn Signal Transmitter: For those amazing Kreskins of the highway who nudge over into your lane without warning and assume you saw their wheels slinking to the left. The microcomputer on this skull-tight skullcap reads the driver's intentions and signals for them.

3. Merge App for the GPS: Announces that a turn signal would be nice instead of riding the shoulder when racing along in the merge lane to pass others who thoughtfully got into the other lane two miles prior to the merge.

4. Laser-Guided Following Distance Measuring Tool: Calibrated to the proper stopping distance; activates an air-raid-quality horn inside car to remind driver that stopping on a "dime," not stopping "within a dime's distance," is the rule of thumb.

5. Motion-Activated Jesus on the Dash: Detects distraction due to driver cell phone usage or heads turned to discuss the latest sales at Dollar Tree with the passenger and announces "Eyes on the road, my child!"

6. Time Out Driving Mentor: Keeps track of non-use of turn signals, tailgating, and "California stops." After three violations, gently guides the culprit's car to the road shoulder for a ten minute "time out."

7. Red Light/Right Turn/Wait Windshield Flag: This spring-loaded beauty pops up to cover the aggressive driver's windshield when he/she attempts to turn right on red and cut off other cars traveling through green lights in cross-traffic.

And while you're at it, buy a couple of nifty sympathy gifts for yourself!

The rear mounted horn, for that aggressive driver who is following too close.

Fluorescent obscenity signs in ten different languages. Perfect for Grandma and the kids to hold up in the back seat. No need to keep them out of the fun.

Law of Gross Tonnage Magnets for the side of your car. They're stylish. They're fun! ...and they let everyone know that "He who has the biggest vehicle goes first!"

–The Mysterious Dr. F.

Dog Paddler's Diary: Kamehameha! Someone Spam-Musubied My In-Box!

From the editor: Dr. F. takes us to the sunny shores of Oahu. The good doctor (not a real medical doctor) spent a five-year stint in the Aloha State in the early 90s and regularly returns to stock up on favorite foodstuffs and supplies.

I had just finished the last precious morsels of my usual breakfast of Cheerios bathed in a large bowl of coffee, with two spoons of sugar and milk (no dairy creamer for me!).

I sparked up the old faithful Dimension 2100 Internet wave machine (known in advanced circles as an old computer) and gazed hopefully into the screen of my Synchmaster 753DF.

I activated the precision programming of my trusty search engine (or, as I like to call it, Dog Paddling Central) and heard the deadening boom of "You've Got Mail!" My heart pounded with anticipation at seeing the little blue envelope icon with a small green oval that read "750".

Hmmm…750…quite a big wave of Internet water for this dog-paddling novice! Was I ready? What mysterious adventures lay ahead?

Another sonic boom of "You've got mail!", and the seven email seas opened before me.

The titles for as far as the eye could see all read "110% Lowest Price Guarantee! Order Coconut Bras today!"

Holy Hilo Hattie's! I'd been "Spam Musubied!"

Ah! Spam musubi, the ultimate in Hawaiian snacks made from grilled SPAM, on rice, lovingly embraced in a "delicate" seaweed wrapper (lots of pictures on the Internet; It's like sushi gone wrong, but mighty tasty); but then, I digress.

Ah! SPAM musubi! (not to be confused with Dr. M. Kaschube, author of Pinwheel Stability Pattern Selection and the Geometry of Visual Space)… a cheaper sound reference would be the comparison to some other member of the Kaschube family, but then they would be bombarded with Facebook friend requests.

Ahem....back to the dog paddling...

The Username was correct: MMWW4ME (Mickey Mouse Water Wings for Me).

This mysterious Internet creature only identified her/himself as Luau Mama.

Had I given someone the wrong impression? Did I mistype at some time during my Internet swimming lessons up at the Valley Hunt Club Pool and Internet Cafe?

Surely I wasn't in the market for a coconut bra, as Aloha Fridays are a celebration of the amazing print patterns of the Aloha State and rarely leave room for this craftsman's delight.

What a dilemma! Opening 750 tiny waves of information, all from the same wellspring, delivered precisely every 40 seconds over the last 8-plus hours, would sure create an Internet wave of Banzai Pipeline proportions.

I speed paddled with my trusty cursor and the words blurred by as I scrolled down. I feared a killer Internet riptide which would suck me out to the Internet seas for good. I wasn't sure rip current safety tips I learned on Hawaii 50 (the original version) would apply. With which shoreline was I swimming parallel? Were the margins safe?

Thinking fast, with no Internet lifeguard in sight, I boogie-boarded the shift key across all the shimmering discount titles and pressed the curser, with an immediate "hang ten" on the "Enter" key.

And....Voila! The impending Internet tidal wave disappeared into the ether-world like an unsuspecting tourist in that most deceptive of all Hanauma Bay tourist "attractions," the Toilet Bowl (a natural pool formed by centuries of waves beating against the lava rock at Hanauma Bay on the beautiful island of Oahu; not that getting "flushed" against shards of razor-sharp lava is my idea of a "do before you die experience").

The resultant calm on the Syncmaster 753DF resembled Quaker Lake at sunset on a hot August afternoon.

Another dog paddling drowning avoided, but it left me with a lingering, longing, desire to Google Big Kahuna's on Oahu and inquire if they delivered their pulled pork sandwiches to "the Mainland."

Mahalo! Aloha! ....and jellyfish-free dog paddling to you!– Dr. F

The TMG List of 50 Things You May Still Do While Piloting an Automobile

With recent rulings prohibiting Text Messaging while driving, as a public service to our readers we have compiled a list of activities that (according to our research) may still be combined with automobile navigation and maneuvering.

We see this as a ‘working list’ and encourage your feedback and participation. Please send us your additions, and if they pass our editorial board, we will add them to our official list. Regular updates will be posted, as the list continues to build. We thank you in advance for your participation. And remember, your mother may be a Tiny Mind subscriber.

1.          Apply eyeliner

2.          Apply initials to car seat with wood-burning set powered by cigarette lighter

3.          Apply mustache bleach

4.          Attempt self-tattoo project

5.          Attempt to bend metal car parts with concentrative mind control

6.          Carve name in dashboard with spare key

7.          Clip toenails

8.          Close windows, crank up the heat: voila! mobile sauna

9.          Conduct self-pedicure

10.       Crochet an afghan

11.       Cut diamond

12.       Decoupage steering wheel

13.       Dissect earthworm or small frog on passenger seat

14.       Draw on fogged windows

15.       Encourage small pet to sit on your lap

16.       Exfoliate

17.       Fry egg on dashboard

18.       Ingest two-handed sandwiches while steering

19.       Learn to play harmonica

20.       Make Cup-O-Soup with portable hot pot

21.       Make decorative Christmas tree out of Reader's Digest magazine

22.       Make prank calls on speaker phone

23.       Manicure bonsai tree

24.       Master Etch-a-Sketch

25.       Master the "Detroit Lean"

26.       Mount bugs in insect collection

27.       Needlepoint

28.       Origami, baby!

29.       Perform simple surgical operation on one's own self

30.       Pick nose

31.       Pierce own ear

32.       Prick voodoo doll with pins

33.       Play-Doh Fun Factory

34.       Powder nose

35.       Practice card tricks

36.       Practice coin tricks

37.       Read newspaper

38.       Remove unwanted body hair with tweezers

39.       Safety Dance, do the

40.       Scratch "Scratch Tickets"

41.       Scratch off old dump stickers!

42.       Sew (or staple) Scout badges to sash

43.       ShamWow armpits before important meeting

44.       Shave

45.       Shave small pet

46.       Silly Putty

47.       Solve Rubik's Cube

48.       Steer with knees

49.       Wax mustache

50.       Wring hands

American Businessman Sleeps for Entire Two-Week Vacation

Jim Simpson, 42, was not trying to make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. He just wanted to get a decent night’s sleep.

But what began as a half-hour “cat nap” in a hammock in the Poconos somehow turned into a 282-hour power-sleep for the records.

His wife Pam had planned a full itinerary of “quality family time” at a family-friendly resort, including mini-golf, boardwalk arcade games, and visits to Splash City water park, a chocolate factory, and a local living-history museum.

“It’s hard to keep the kids entertained for 10 full weeks in the summer,” Pam explained. “Along with swimming and sailing lessons, our three kids each went to three different sports and arts & craft camp sessions. Now it’s August and they’re bored out of their minds!”

Unable to wake Jim from his slumber, the family enjoyed the activities on their own—except for one evening, when they propped Jim up in their triple jogging stroller and wheeled him to dinner at the hotel restaurant. When he failed to wake, Pam explained to the waiter that he hadn’t had much time off lately.

A well-dressed man at a neighboring table added his two cents: “Those lazy Europeans have five or six weeks’ paid vacation, plus they’re all drunk from mid-December through New Year’s Day. No wonder America is still Number One.”

Jim plans to take a week of unpaid vacation the last week of August, so he can clean the gutters and stain the deck while his kids go back-to-school shopping.

- reported by crime, travel + entertainment correspondent Agent SS

Octogenarian Daredevil Stalls in Third Cross-Causeway Attempt

Wapatusset– Lois Blatts, 84, senior resident of the Boulder Street Eccumentical Home failed in her third attempt to cross the recently flooded Bethlehem Road causeway in her beige 2002 Toyota Camry. The recent rains (of Biblical proportions) have caused exceptional high tides – which at their peak have covered the Tiny Harbor road with as much as 3 feet of water.


Lois Blatts (file photo)

Mrs. Blatts, retired elementary school instructor, mother of 5 and grandmother of God knows how many – was attempting her third crossing (in the past two days) when her vehicle stalled and was nearly swept away by the rapidly moving current.

“As I sped down the hill towards the bridge, I felt that I had enough speed but was looking for the sudden acceleration that Toyota’s have become known for,” remarked a soaked, but upbeat Mrs. Blatts. “My scuba masked fogged and the inter-tube around my waist shifted slightly as I reached to wipe the clouded lens.” I think that is where I lost control and veered slightly to the left – forcing my sedan through the guard rails and into Tiny Harbor.”


O'Liam (file photo)

Liam O’Liam of the Wapatusset Police Department’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit, was covering the EMT desk when the incident occurred. “Fortunately, we had been hired by Mrs. Blatts’ sponsor, MAD COW ENERGY DRINK® and were enjoying the spectacle from the other side of the bridge,” remarked a relieved O’Liam. “We will have to wait until Spring to dislodge the sunken Camry but for now, we are grateful that Mrs. Blatts is safe and in police custody.”

According to police department sources, Mrs. Blatts has been charged with: wreckless endangerment, failure to use turn signal while veering off bridge, operating a vehicle while wearing scuba equipment, and inciting sponsorship for an un-permitted daredevil event.

Top 10 Predictions for 2010.

For the past few weeks, TinyTown has been for a quiet. In fact, you could almost say that it was deader than “The King of Pop”. Oh sure, there were a few roadside holiday parties – the abandoned Goldschläger Cinnamon Schnapps bottles and trash bags filled with empty Narragansett cans, offer undeniable proof.

For you see, during the Christmas holidays, a majority of the town’s inhabitants travel north for skiing, partying, and resting fireside at the lodge – with their next door neighbors and best pals – from TinyTown.

For those that stayed behind, winter left a healthy blanket of snow that was replenished on a regular basis throughout the past week and a half. The winter high tides were a bit higher than usual. There were many times during the week, that waterfront streets were totally submerged in sea water.

Even more prevalent, were the knuckleheads, that insisted upon driving through the knee-deep, salt water. A common remark by roadside by-standers (especially those who had once owned a rusted-out, circa-1970’s Maverick, Pinto or Vega) was, “Lord God, I hope that car is leased!”

Well, it’s Monday morning and time to get the virtual presses of the Tiny Mind Gazette up and running. In our weekly editorial meeting, we decided that it might be a good time to announce our predictions for the coming year. These are our top 10:

1. The abandoned and most likely haunted hardware store will be torn down and replaced with a Lululemon Superstore & Pilates Rehabilitation Center.


2. Miniature Invisibines® will be made mandatory for all gasoline burning urban assault vehicles that seat more than six passengers. 


3. For these same vehicles, it will no longer be mandatory for the vehicle operator to engage in cell phone conversations while navigating the village’s narrow and winding streets. However, it will still be necessary to drive with a small designer dog on your lap. Reading a newspaper or ingesting snacks is also encouraged.


4. Upon awakening from hibernation, a pack of greyotes will encircle the town’s pet grooming studio, taunting the exiting newly-coiffed Labberdoodles, Cocker-huahua and Arubanese Rescue Collies. The town’s Animal Control Officer will be alerted and forced to leave his command post at the Red Ly’n Inn.


5. All of the town center’s commercial and retail businesses will be packed-up and moved to the Independence Hall, mini-mall that has been built next to the commuter rail station.


6. The town center’s abandoned buildings will be torn down to provide additional parking for the newly expanded Lululemon World Theme Park, the Lululemon Pilates Rehabilitation Center – as well as the soon-to-be-founded, American Center for Chardonnay Studies. 


7. The commissioner of the town’s Miniature League Baseball Association will organize a coup d'etat – overthrowing the town government and enacting military rule. Lights will be added to the TinyTown baseball triplex – making 24x7, youth baseball a reality.


8. Donning pitchforks and lighted torches, inhabitants of homes surrounding the baseball triplex will take to the streets – bringing down the horrible MLBA regime. The disgraced commissioner will be forced into exile. Donkeyball will be named the official town sport.


9. All of the town’s naturally growing grass and foliage will be replaced by artificial turf.


10. The Tiny Mind Gazette will receive a Lilly Pulitzer Prize for both excellence in journalism and fashion commentary.

Happy 2010! Hang in there!

TOD (part 1): Luxury mega-mall living, TOD slogan contest, and hot TODdies with TODd Palin

reported by Agent SS

TOD (short for “transit-oriented district”), the scenic stretch of highway next to the new train station, will soon be the most happening spot in town. Once considered a no man’s land known for its distinct odors from the former landfill, this prime piece of real estate is now home to the poshest mixed-used project in a four-mile radius.

Nestled between mile-high heaps of fertilizer and gravel, and criss-crossed by babbling man-made brooks of crystal clear reclaimed waste water, this new experiment in “lifestyle living” is pure luxury. Stylish new apartments and storefronts are nearing completion and should be ready by next summer.

This is the town’s first — and only — transit-oriented overlay district, or TOD. To celebrate the historic occasion, TMG (Tiny Mind Gazette) is holding a slogan contest. The winning TOD slogan will appear on T-shirts, banners, water bottles and bike shorts. Submit your ideas to TMG today!

And stay posted for news about the grand opening of the TOD Lifestyle Lounge. After a free trial Zumba class or coed Wii workout session, visitors are invited to the rooftop deck to "drink a hot TODdy with a TODd Palin look-alike." More details to follow.