Tiny Mind Gazette

CBS cancels "Two and a Half Men." Other comedic permutations considered.

 

Now that Charlie Sheen has begun getting it all out of his system, it seems CBS has gotten him out of theirs. Aside from calling Alcoholics Anonymous a "bootleg cult" and that whole porn star  in the potty debacle, Tiny Mind Gazette's undercover reporters say he's been seen hollowing out  award statuettes and filling them with a combination of vodka and Four Loko.

Now that the Two and a Half Men time slot is officially open (though still listed as a current show on the network's website), CBS is exploring new ideas for highly ignorable sitcoms. Among them:

• Six People and a Cat
• A Priest, A Nun, and a Rabbi
• Three Bags of Weed
• Two Airplanes on a Tarmac
• One Guy on Twitter

Despite the stellar considerations being whiteboarded, we don't believe CBS will deliver anything worth the 30 minutes of airtime. We predict they'll be back with the more expected sequel, One Man and a Horny Teenager.

Photo Credit: Hollywood Reporter

Dog Paddler's Diary: Kamehameha! Someone Spam-Musubied My In-Box!

From the editor: Dr. F. takes us to the sunny shores of Oahu. The good doctor (not a real medical doctor) spent a five-year stint in the Aloha State in the early 90s and regularly returns to stock up on favorite foodstuffs and supplies.

I had just finished the last precious morsels of my usual breakfast of Cheerios bathed in a large bowl of coffee, with two spoons of sugar and milk (no dairy creamer for me!).

I sparked up the old faithful Dimension 2100 Internet wave machine (known in advanced circles as an old computer) and gazed hopefully into the screen of my Synchmaster 753DF.

I activated the precision programming of my trusty search engine (or, as I like to call it, Dog Paddling Central) and heard the deadening boom of "You've Got Mail!" My heart pounded with anticipation at seeing the little blue envelope icon with a small green oval that read "750".

Hmmm…750…quite a big wave of Internet water for this dog-paddling novice! Was I ready? What mysterious adventures lay ahead?

Another sonic boom of "You've got mail!", and the seven email seas opened before me.

The titles for as far as the eye could see all read "110% Lowest Price Guarantee! Order Coconut Bras today!"

Holy Hilo Hattie's! I'd been "Spam Musubied!"

Ah! Spam musubi, the ultimate in Hawaiian snacks made from grilled SPAM, on rice, lovingly embraced in a "delicate" seaweed wrapper (lots of pictures on the Internet; It's like sushi gone wrong, but mighty tasty); but then, I digress.

Ah! SPAM musubi! (not to be confused with Dr. M. Kaschube, author of Pinwheel Stability Pattern Selection and the Geometry of Visual Space)… a cheaper sound reference would be the comparison to some other member of the Kaschube family, but then they would be bombarded with Facebook friend requests.

Ahem....back to the dog paddling...

The Username was correct: MMWW4ME (Mickey Mouse Water Wings for Me).

This mysterious Internet creature only identified her/himself as Luau Mama.

Had I given someone the wrong impression? Did I mistype at some time during my Internet swimming lessons up at the Valley Hunt Club Pool and Internet Cafe?

Surely I wasn't in the market for a coconut bra, as Aloha Fridays are a celebration of the amazing print patterns of the Aloha State and rarely leave room for this craftsman's delight.

What a dilemma! Opening 750 tiny waves of information, all from the same wellspring, delivered precisely every 40 seconds over the last 8-plus hours, would sure create an Internet wave of Banzai Pipeline proportions.

I speed paddled with my trusty cursor and the words blurred by as I scrolled down. I feared a killer Internet riptide which would suck me out to the Internet seas for good. I wasn't sure rip current safety tips I learned on Hawaii 50 (the original version) would apply. With which shoreline was I swimming parallel? Were the margins safe?

Thinking fast, with no Internet lifeguard in sight, I boogie-boarded the shift key across all the shimmering discount titles and pressed the curser, with an immediate "hang ten" on the "Enter" key.

And....Voila! The impending Internet tidal wave disappeared into the ether-world like an unsuspecting tourist in that most deceptive of all Hanauma Bay tourist "attractions," the Toilet Bowl (a natural pool formed by centuries of waves beating against the lava rock at Hanauma Bay on the beautiful island of Oahu; not that getting "flushed" against shards of razor-sharp lava is my idea of a "do before you die experience").

The resultant calm on the Syncmaster 753DF resembled Quaker Lake at sunset on a hot August afternoon.

Another dog paddling drowning avoided, but it left me with a lingering, longing, desire to Google Big Kahuna's on Oahu and inquire if they delivered their pulled pork sandwiches to "the Mainland."

Mahalo! Aloha! ....and jellyfish-free dog paddling to you!– Dr. F

25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

1. Forget to defrost frozen turkey.

2. Leave plastic bag of giblets inside bird cavity.

3. Strangle a wild turkey in the woods; pretend you got it at organic free-range farm.

4. Forget to de-feather said wild turkey; call it authentic Pilgrim culinary custom.

5. Build faux turkey out of Papier-mâché and chicken wire, fill with stiff oatmeal, call it “Vegan Delight.”

6. Substitute mystery roadkill for turkey; call it venison.

7. Substitute bald eagle for turkey; explain it was Ben Franklin's original idea for Thanksgiving.

8. Buy live turkey, name it, introduce to guests, involve in children’s party games, cook and serve.

9. Attach 1-2 sets of extra drumsticks to Butterball turkey. 

10. Begin drinking before noon.

11. Wait until guests arrive to iron creases out of tablecloth and hunt for matching dinner napkins.

12. Do not wash dishes while cooking; stack in sink and on every inch of kitchen surface area.

13. Cook turkey until juices run pink.

14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

15. Cancel portion of cable TV that includes any sports/football programming.

16. Have male family members dress in indigenous costume and greet guests wearing only loin cloths.

17. Encourage guests to engage in friendly musket fire with live ammo.

18. Serve too much alcohol.

19. Invite random strangers from Indian casino to dinner; convince spouse they’re long-lost relatives.

20. Initiate lively conversations about politics and religion.

21. Place “kid's table” in dining room, seat adults in unheated garage/basement.

22. Invite ex-fiance/ee to Thanksgiving dinner; introduce to your spouse immediately following Jell-O salad course.

23. Run out of alcohol.

24. Instead of everyone’s favorite pies, experiment with a new dessert tradition, e.g. frozen Cool Whip turkey sculpture.

25. Politely decline all offers to help clean up; at the spur of the moment, invite everyone to stay over and enjoy curried turkey omelets for brunch.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our Tiny Mind Gazette readers!

10 Horrific Stories That The Tiny Mind Gazette Refuses To Cover

10. German exchange student has been secretly living in Television Series section of Wapatusset video store for past three weeks, studying accents of Thurston Howell the Third. His disappearance was a simple miscommunication due to confusing accent.  

9. “Blue + Yellow” is the new “Green”.

8. Yoga purists remain adamant about the raising of Lycra in non-cage-free environments and are organizing planned Spandex boycott. Ghandi Brand® white, 100% organic cotton swaddling cloths become exercise outfit of choice.

7. Disgruntled organic farmer seen guzzling a Diet Coke® and munching on Cheez-It® Crackers, while driving Hummer® with faulty exhaust system.

6. Youth baseball coach admits: “If it weren’t for my dedication to the sport, my uncoordinated, 10 year-old would be riding the pine for the entire (30 games in 37 days) travel season just like every other uncoordinated 10 year-old on my team.”

5. Limes are garnish of choice for summer cocktail season.
Olive use increases during autumn and winter months, experts say.

4. Domestic violence and dangerous gunplay increases within homes where home schooling is education option of choice.

3. The Deadliest Intersection: demented highway expert sees limiting traffic lights as a way of “culling the herd”. 

2. Scientist fears that regular iPhone texting may cause human mutation of hands to bird-like talons—and has iPhone photo to prove it. “Bird Boy” to travel to schools throughout state to tell his harrowing tale.

1. Thanks to clever document reimaging, body waxing, and facial hair electrolysis, 24 year-old, second baseman is able to successfully join 10 year-old team, forcing coach’s son to sit on the bench throughout entire weekend tournament. 

WPATV Channel 13: Announces Three New Shows for Fall Lineup

Wapatusset Public Access TV (Channel 13) will be adding three new shows to their fall lineup. The locally produced shows are being generously underwritten by V-Mobile, in exchange for an agreement reached with the Wapatusset Police Department.  All uniformed officers will now wear miniature mobile cell towers on their heads, disguised inside English Bobby-style police helmets.

Anthony (file photo)
“We think that this uniform upgrade will add to our village’s quaint character, make our police force more approachable, and greatly improve cell phone coverage. Win, win, win!” remarked Channel 13 news anchor Edwardo Anthony. “In addition, the local programming will allow our seaside hamlet to showcase some of our theatrical talents. I have already been asked to make a guest appearance on an episode of Desperate Dumpsters.”

“You can’t swing a cat without hitting a casting trailer or a catering truck,” stated Animal Control Officer Studs Snerkel. “My cousin Lou landed the lead role in N*I*M*B*Y. They’ve asked me to help out with some of the animal training and wrangling, on an as- needed basis. I am currently wiring up a chipmunk so that it talks like Mr. Ed.”

Here is a quick summary of the three new series:

GPS: Spells Murder

Each week, celebrity guests find themselves behind the wheel of a Toyota Prius with a portable navigation system. Despite punching in the GPS logistics of their desired destination, the navigation system directs the driver to a murder scene. Immediately following their arrival, they are arrested by a handsomely clever police detective and his whacky sidekick, who have been monitoring the activity within the Prius through hidden video cameras. It is up to the celebrity guests to prove their innocence as well as solve the murder mystery.

Desperate Dumpsters
Question: What do the women of Wampatusset prefer more than diamonds?

Answer: A dumpster in their driveway!  

A large, portable dumpster receptacle parked in your driveway can only mean one thing: You are having your kitchen remodeled! In this series, a handsomely clever Mormon contractor and his whacky sidekick find themselves ducking and dodging advances from suburban housewives, desperate for new cabinets, countertops and high-end appliances.

N*I*M*B*Y (Not In My Back Yard)
In this reality series, unsuspecting homeowners awake to find something undesirable in their backyard. Items may include: a dilapidated motor home, any large object covered with a bright blue tarp, a school bus load of Rastafarian street performers, a gaggle of lawn gnomes, etc.

At the beginning and end of each show, cardiologist Dr. Gray Von Fleece secretly monitors the vital signs of the unsuspecting victims. The more drastic the change, the more points are accumulated. The top four high-scorers will return for a holiday special where a grand prize winner is selected. The show is hosted by an adorable talking chipmunk, making it suitable entertainment for the entire family.

'Spy Swap' (not wife swap!) set for Russian Agent Arrested in Boston Suburb

With rumors swirling around Wapatusset concerning the recent arrest of Muffy Milken (a.k.a. Natasha Fatale), residents are getting a mix of fact and fiction from the local grapevine. Here’s an attempt to set things straight.

Bebe Boesky | a.k.a. Muffy Milken (file photo)

FACT:
The Russian woman known in America as both Bebe Boesky and, most recently, Muffy Milken, was arrested for suspicion of spying for the Russian government. She is being held without bail in the Wapatusset Police Station jail. (See “Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?" for details.)

Earlier today, major media outlets released news of a “Spy Swap”, in which several suspected spies (including Ms. Milken) are to be escorted to CIS (Central Intelligence Spy division) headquarters in Alexandria, VA. Top-secret plans are in the works with officials in Moscow to broker a deal.

news anchor, Edwardo Anthony (file photo)

Here’s where signals got crossed:
First, TV news anchor Edwardo Anthony confused the CIS with the local ICS (Institute of Chardonnay Studies) in Wapatusset during his mid-day broadcast. Being a Wapatusset resident himself (and a regular at the Institute), it was an understandable mistake. But this gaffe set the town abuzz, and gossip-mongers started chatting and tweeting away.

Just like an old-fashioned game of “telephone,” the story twisted like a Mobius Strip. Soon the talk was about wife swapping in Wapatusset, with the Institute of Chardonnay Studies as the nexus of activity.

Hooking up with the Joneses

Board members of the Institute quickly called their PR rep to dispel the rumor, and agents from nearby Scrodwell Banker came to their defense as well. “We are so tired of that old Boston Magazine article tarnishing our town,” said Jane Peyton. “Just because we closely resemble a certain town of similar size, geography and demographics does not mean we are that town!"

"For the last time–all this nonsense about car keys and gnomes is pure fiction.”

We’ll leave it at that. Stay tuned for developing news on espionage--and intrigue.

In the Summer of 1977, Dog-Boy Was Wapatusset’s Own Horse-Boy

As ‘Horse-Boy Fever’ is the talk of cyberspace, local residents can remember back to the mid-70s when the village was abuzz with ‘Dog-Boy Mania’. For a period of nearly 6 months images of Dog-Boy would intermittently flash on the TV screen – immediately following the national anthem and just prior to the test pattern screen.

Dog-Boy Image #37

Dog-Boy Image #59

Dog-Boy Image #83

Despite an intervention from a troupe of scientists from nearby MIT, the mystery of Dog-Boy was never solved. Perhaps ‘Dog-Boy’ and Horse-Boy’ will someday meet.



Until then, this is TV Talk signing-off!

Waputasset (formerly TinyTown) Annexed by Telecommunications Services Provider, V-Mobile.

Waputasset’s bored selectman were reportedly engaged in a 12-hour, “Call of Duty,” video game marathon, against bitter rivals, the Speedwell Guild* – when upstart telecommunications services provider, V-Mobile swept in and stole the “keys” to town hall.

Apparently, the V-Mobile Group Inc., frustrated over local cell tower regulations and the resulting spotty cell phone coverage, made a decision late last week to annex the Town of Waputasset, by toppling the local government.

“It was the steeples that they wanted,” insists TMG IT department head, Brant Grant (left). “The spires of the two town common churches offer perfect locations for well-concealed, as well as, aesthetically appealing cellular antennas.”

Additionally, under their current military rule, V-Mobile has forced the two other competing telecommunications service providers, to pack up there super-slick marketing tents and leave town.

 “We are very much relieved,” stated town citizen, Sohier Wentworth. “Having to choose between the new challenger, Verizon FiOS, and the once, only-game-in-town, Comcast was way too difficult and stressful. Thankfully, the choice has been made for us – we will all be signed up with the new V-Mobile, Luvix product.”**

More updates will be posted as additional information becomes available.

*Not to be confused with the Creepy Pilgrim dudes who live in the woods.
**Not to be confused with the anti-depressant medication with a similar name.

Creepy Dudes Dressed Like Pilgrims Living in the Woods.

Local nature photographer, Scrim Shaw (pictured to the left), currently on a leave of absence as director of GROL (Greyote Relief & Outreach League), discovered a band of 17th century Pilgrims living in abandoned World War II bomb shelters, nestled in the old military proving grounds, next to the former landfill, which was built on the site of the arsenic plant that was closed in the early 1900’s, following what has become to be known as – “The Unfortunate Accident”.

“When the Greyotes go into hibernation, there is little to do,” claimed Mr. Shaw.” I decided to spend the winter, following my dream as a nature photographer. Besides, I bought a brick of Kodachrome in the mid-1980s and thought that their expiration date was probably about to… you know, expire.”

Mr. Shaw, was apparently, about to photographically capture a frolicking squirrel, when he saw a large man wearing a hat containing a large metal buckle and matching buckle shoes – attempting to drag a late-model, 27” black & white Zenith through the underbrush.

“I saw him but he didn’t see me,” remarked Scrim. “I followed him through the woods until I reached what appeared to be an encampment of approximately, 14-18 individuals (men, women and children) – all dressed as if they had just stepped off The Mayflower.”

“Rather than confront the settlement, I left the scene and returned to The Red Ly’n Inn, just before the second-half kickoff. It wasn’t until the next morning that I pieced things together and realized that something just wasn’t quite right.” exclaimed Mr. Shaw.

Mr. Shaw reported the incident to the local authorities the following morning and led them to what he thought was his point of discovery. Unfortunately, the 8" of snow that had fallen the night before made the search more difficult.

CSI investigator, Liam O’Liam (pictured on the left) is currently developing a Powerpoint presentation based on Scrim’s testimony, for a special event – scheduled for Wednesday at Hal’s Half-Acre Senior Community – located on the site of the former large livestock burial grounds and small pet cemetery. Team bingo will follow O’Liam’s program.

More details to follow, as they become available.

What Men Want

This week, our learned social scholar, Dr. Hammond Egghs, focuses on 5 Rules for WFH.

The weekday male population has drastically increased in our little town. More and more fathers are learning to navigate the elementary and middle school pick-up and drop-off lines, and still more are attending mid-day school functions – concerts, jump rope exhibitions and poetry readings.

You see more working-age men in the grocery store and still more aimlessly wandering the streets between the traditional business hours of 9-5. Economic downturn or WFH? Lets apply a positive spin – WFH.

WFH (Working From Home)
Gone are the days of vast office space, divided into maze-like Habitrails by beige cubicle walls. There were group meetings, water cooler conversations, beer bashes and Friday group lunches. There were after work sporting events, bag lunch seminars, corporate-sponsored yoga immersion sessions, off-site meetings and trade show gatherings.

Five days a week, you had to shower and shave. You had to wear clean, pressed clothes and separate your feet from your shoes, by applying socks. Flip-flops were for the beach and the shower, and not, for everyday dress. You were on a first name basis with the dry cleaner attendant and you had your on-air radio friends during your morning and afternoon commutes – with whom you engaged in one-sided conversations. Masstrans-Commuters were transported while reading newspapers, perusing great American novels, listening to tunes or just plain sleeping. Combing your hair was a must.

In the morning, you could art-direct the creation of your breakfast beverage and there was a vast array of accouterments to provide accompanying subsidence. Lunchtime allowed for a vast amount of creativity in venue choice and item selection. Brie, cheddar, provolone, bleu – on taragon chicken salad, fresh albacore tuna or black forest ham. A Burrito Supreme or a fresh calzone were also in the picture of possibilities.

Then all Hell broke loose.
Walkmen became iPhones, FedEx became e-mail, office phones became cell phones, desks became workstations, branch offices became satellite offices, your home at the office – became your office at home.Va-la!

My 5 Rules for WFH

RULE #1:
Look in the mirror occasionally. If Sasquatch is staring you back, you need to take a shower, change your clothes and comb your hair. If the 4-days growth on your face is to become a beard, trim it like one.


RULE #2:
For the good Lord’s sake, get some exercise! Getting up and moving around is necessary, now that you have been confined to a 10’ x 10’ room (Google: Unabomber/Theodore Kaczynski). Get out of the house. Go for a bike ride, a walk, go to the gym or at least get on the treadmill. Remember, if you are leaving the house, please see Rule #1. 


RULE #3:
With the exception of the hours from noon until 2:00 PM, the kitchen is CLOSED. Constantly circling the refrigerator is not a good thing and will lead to elastically waist-banded sweat pants and pajama bottoms, 24x7 – a.k.a. hitting rock-bottom.


RULE #4:
Daytime TV is not your friend! Keep the television off. The flickering images of Oprah, Regis and Rachel Ray are nothing more than pixelated distractions – and not your pals! If you are watching reruns of Green Acres and Hee-Haw – call your primary care physician, immediately!


RULE #5:
Despite what you see on MAD MEN, happy hour does not start until 5:00 PM (with the exception of Fridays where 3:15 PM is acceptable).

Whether your house arrest is temporary or permanent, following these five simple rules will lead to a happier and healthier home-confined working experience!

I welcome all questions and comments and look forward to hearing from you! – learned social scholar, Dr. Hammond Egghs