Tiny Mind Gazette

Squirrels Go Nuts, Homeowners Go Berzerk: Defoliation in the name of Sciurus carolinensis

Is an overzealous Animal Control campaign to blame?

They’re everywhere!  They’re everywhere!

Sciurus carolinensis (the Eastern Gray Squirrel) has taken over Oak Street.

The winter breeding season and the recent southern migration due to a rumored frenzied Animal Control campaign in the northeastern U.S. has caused an exodus of herds of gray squirrels to southern locales.

In an attempt to keep spring plantings and porch plants safe, residents have exhausted all home remedies in combatting these pesky varmints.

The word on the street

“Squirrels supposedly hate red peppers, so I mixed up hot sauce and hot water in the squirt gun and sprayed every last one of them…all I got was ‘FU’ dug into my lawn where they had planted earlier caches of my stale holiday nuts,” said Agnes O’Day.

“I tried trapping and relocating them to a park twenty miles away,” said another Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps. “All they did was recruit more squirrels on the way back… I even tried marking them with spray paint to track them. Now I have two dozen pink tailed squirrels residing in the sweet gum out back,” states Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps.

“I tried being nice to them and throwing them peanuts for a few weeks,” said one resident,” but when the food ran out, they started stealing anything wood to chew on… wooden knobs, old holiday ornaments, and even sections of the back screen door.”

Tree trimmers go berzerk

Neighbors heeded the warning words of northern animal control experts and have attempted to reduce the food source of these pesky critters. The Gonzalez and Martinez families on the corner chopped down 50- year-old oaks and reduced eight-foot hedges to toothpick size.

Swarms of tree trimmers were seen yesterday swinging with chainsaws from the branches of the 100-foot sweet gum in Mohammed’s yard in the middle of the neighborhood. All others have followed suit.

As the last tree on Oak Street fell, squirrels could be seen holding their ears and slowly sneaking off to Elm Street.

With the last “Tim-ber”, a two-foot-wide nest of twigs, leaves and scrap cardboard rolled down the lane.  One could glimpse one final message as the dwelling broke open: “Scrim Shaw for Global Animal Control.”

Reporting from the acorn-enriched and foliage-depleted wasteland –Dr. F.

Animal Control Candidate, Scrim Shaw: “I wasn’t drunk but I had been drinking.”

Report from the Campaign Trail.

Having been out on the campaign trail for several weeks, I have been heartened by the widespread support and feel more confident than ever. With election day right around the corner, I am convinced that I will soon have an engraved nameplate on the door to the animal control office (located in the maintenance shed, directly behind Wapatusset Town Hall).

But whether I win or lose, this campaign ordeal has taught me several very important lessons. Here is my short list:

1. When you borrow a penguin from the aquarium, work through the proper channels and receive the proper sign-off.

I was terribly mistaken in thinking that these creatures were participating in aquarium activities by their own free will. Although my former penguin sidekick, Chauncey, received an overwhelming share of positive attention as we waved signs and flippers to vehicles entering and exiting the Super Stop & Chat, I did not anticipate things going so far. What was thought to be a brief “bio-break” turned out to be Chauncey’s premeditated visit to the seafood counter. Some found his tap dancing routine hilarious, others found it unsanitary and disturbing. To avoid a lengthy court proceeding, the damages were absorbed by my own pocketbook and I have agreed to step neither foot nor flipper in the store again. The tuxedoed pescetarian was returned to captivity, and all criminal charges have been dropped. For future campaigning, I might recommend a chimpanzee or heavily sedated squirrel.

2. Upon the recommendation of my campaign manager, underwriting and chaperoning a Boy Scouts overnight in the abandoned wolf dens seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Besides, how might one achieve the wild animal husbandry merit badge, without a real-time experience? Perhaps it was the ignition of the smuggled fireworks that set things in motion. There is also a good chance that the loud and horribly off-key campfire songs started the snowball rolling down the steep and slippery slope. Whatever it was, or whoever was to blame, it awoke the 600 lb. narcoleptic Sasquatch with a start and within seconds cleared the immediate area of all animals, vegetables and minerals. In the end, all scouts and leaders were accounted for, but the matter is still under investigation with the Old Colony regional scouting board.

3. The Easter Sunday/Campaign Bunny Hop was a “fun-raiser” intended to bring friends and family together on the town common, to watch the adorable white rabbits hop through the green grass.

For those who gathered up their children and left early, it was a delightful event. For those who witnessed the birds of prey attack, it is a deeply etched visual memory that will linger in craniums for many years ahead. After the first two hares were snatched, shocked volunteers were unable to herd the remaining bunnies into their hutches. The full-scale aerial assault left five rabbits heading to the happy hopping ground.

4. For those who volunteered their tropical fish for the licensing demonstration, I owe you a trip to the pet store.

Duct tape has always been a staple in my toolbox, and who would not consider it the perfect solution to attaching license collars to the necks of small fish? We never imagined that the strong adhesive might remove a substantial portion of a small fish’s scales. Despite the terrible blunder, we have retooled and returned to our initial concept: applying a fish’s registered license number with an ultra-fine, waterproof Sharpie.

Time to get back on the campaign merry-go-round. I still have several “meet and greets” and koffee klatches to attend, plus the hot dog and beans jamboree. Thank you for your time. Remember to get out and vote—and when you vote, vote Scrim Shaw for animal control officer!

Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

1. Casual Day defined as wearing full pajama set – not just grungy t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

2. Wearing make-your-own T-shirts with slogans like “You’re not the boss of me,” “Freebird, Baby” and "Fear of Internet outage makes me extra jumpy."

3. Heated arguments with Terry Gross, Tom Ashbrook and Lakshmi Singh.

4. Coffee with Regis and Kelly.

5. Police scanner as “personal assistant” and excuse to “run emergency errand.”

6. Tweeting the “mother ship” in hopes of obtaining further instructions.

7. Texting neighbors’ cats.

8. Terrorizing squirrels with BB gun.

9. Scheduling lunch meetings with shredder, Crock Pot, and can of Ozone-Friendly Dust Remover.

10. Wearing anything with a Dunder Mifflin logo.

11. Terrorizing squirrels with paperclip slingshots.

12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

13. Impressing high school Facebook friends that you really know what you are doing and are NOT just wasting time when you should be saving the world or something. (There, I said it.)

14. Squirrel Taco Day at the home office commissary (just watch for the BBs since you can’t afford a self-employed dental plan).

15. Secretly digging tunnel to outside world with iPad stylus and broken beer bottle.

"Squirricidal Tendencies" by canine therapist, Dr. Barkle

Dr. Barkle file photo

There is quite the buzz around the kennel’s community water bowl concerning the sharp increase of recent in-road squirrel deaths. In Wapatusset, you don’t have to go very far before seeing yet another “squirrel scab” flattened to the asphalt.

Coincidence? As a highly trained dog psychologist, I think not.

As an active member of a highly regarded canine consortium, my colleagues and I have deemed it this phenomenon “The Squirricides.” We have never before observed such a high number of permanently-pressed acorn-munching rodents.

Sure, within squirrels, there tends to be a heightened questioning of split-second decision-making.

“Okay, I’m going to run now!
“No wait!”
“I better not!”
“No! I’m going to go for it!”

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture the poor little bushy-tailed tree-dweller attempting to decide whether or not to cross two lanes of potential traffic. As a human-transporter vehicle approaches, the rodent’s walnut-sized head quickly pivots back and forth (as if fired by misaligned and sporadic synaptic reflexes).

It begins its crossing, spins around, runs back, then suddenly makes a 360° rotation, closes its beady little eyes, aims for the opposite shoulder and GOES FOR IT!

Too many times, this sequence of events unfortunately closes with a rubber tire tread meeting misdirected squirrel–and SQUISH! Road Pizza!

I have to admit that the feeling amongst many other dog therapists was that the cause of this phenomenon was due to a squirrel’s inability to engage in abstract reasoning.

However, many of my colleagues are now attributing this behavior to a form of depression brought on by a chemical imbalance that is heightened during nut-gathering and archiving season.

Perhaps it is the nutrient-rich acorn itself that is the root cause of the problem–in the form of an allergic condition stimulated by tree nuts. Quite possibly it is Pre-hibernation Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), a disorder similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) prevalent in humans during the sunlight-deprived winter months.

Rocky (and Bullwinkle) file photo

There is a small den of German Shepherd sociologists that places blame on the media, specifically within the entertainment industry and its current on-screen depiction of squirrels. The highly-evolved 1960’s flying-squirrel protagonist, Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky), has been replaced with Spongebob’s Sandy Cheeks, a zany Texas squirrel who inhabits Bikini Bottom permanently water-sealed inside a bizarre spacesuit-like costume. YouTube is now host to a series of animated video shorts entitled “Suicidal Squirrels,” which promises to televise the deaths of 100 squirrels.

“No vunder ve hab ze problem wit ze squirrels offing demselves,” stated noted German Shepherd behavioral research pioneer, Dr. Bruno Von Leash. “Ve hope to have ze answer quite soon,” he added before spinning his massive head and bolting after his owner’s other house pet, Sasha, an endlessly taunting Siamese cat.

Dr. Von Leash file photo

We will provide additional information as soon as we either dig it up or fetch it. – Dr. Barkle

Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD from an obscure Midwestern canine & equine online university.