Tiny Mind Gazette

Irish Riviera Pub Brawl Postpones Annual Columbus Day Parade

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

This has been an unfortunate year for parades in Wapatusset. After last spring's debacle (see "St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed Over Potato-Throwing Protest March" and continued controversy over the MLK Day Diversity Parade, the town has agreed to form a citizen's commission to plan upcoming public celebrations. All interested should respond in the Comments section below.

Groundhog Day Roadkill Hangover: Wapatusset Walt sees headlights, followed by bright white light

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow yesterday. But local connoisseurs of fine New England roadkill were soon fixated on a different animal instead: Wapatusset Walt, the 250-pound possum, saw his gigantic reflection on the grill of an oncoming powder-blue Prius.

Legend has it that if Walt sees his last reflection on Groundhog's Day, the town will be blessed with a 6-week supply of delicious possum stew at Ye Olde Food Court in the atrium of the Liberty Hall Mini-Mall.

During the Possum Day celebration / memorial service, Tiny Mind Gazette publisher York Benchley (dressed in authentic ceremonial Speedwell Guild dress) scooped out the first ladle of steaming stew, tipped his head back and carelessly poured it down his open throat. Red-faced with a singed mustache, Mr. Benchley immediately spewed a spray of stew over the startled crowd of Possum Day revelers. The (other) high point of the celebration was the rousing YouTube classic, “Five Pound Possum,” blasted on multiple smart phones throughout the food court. Thanks to the recently installed church steeple cell towers, all 53 hand-held devices were able to receive clear and uninterrupted service.

The Speedwell Guild, as well as the Sisters of Sauvignon, will be soliciting bids from local taxidermists in an effort to establish a permanent Wapatusset Walt exhibit in the rotunda of the Town Hall.

Since the unfortunate incident, Mitsy Smitherton LeBoef, operator of the totaled Prius, has lost her enthusiasm for saving Mother Earth and is in now in the market for the largest American-made SUV available.

York Benchley is resting comfortably but is extremely irritated by the little tiny piece of skin that is still dangling from the roof of his extremely sensitive mouth.

5 Pound Possum: Recorded at a bluegrass pickin' near St Augustine, Florida.

–reported by Morton "Scrim" Shaw, deputy animal control officer and special correspondent

50 Halloween Costumes Screaming for HELP!

The definitive list from the tiny-minded editors of TMG:

1. Pregnant Girl Scout
   
2. Tiger Woods as Boy Scout
3. Ted Haggard as Boy Scout leader
4. Santa with ankle bracelet
   
5. Lindsay Lohan with ankle bracelet
6. Hobo (politically incorrect)
7. Flasher (illegal)
8. Gypsy
9. Cher dressed as Gypsy
10. Cher dressed as tramp
    
11. Ghost
12. Ghost of Patrick Swayze
13. Ghost of Gary Coleman
14. Ghost of Caspar Weinberger (the friendly Secretary of Defense)
    
15. Lady Gaga in meat dress (Greyote alert)
    
16. A-Rod without his lip gloss
17. Glee cast in GQ cover outfits
    
18. Clark Rockefeller
19. Christian Gerhartsreiter
20. Mad Christian Scientist
21. Rabbi Mel Gibson
22. Village People
23. Spice Girls
24. Old Spice Dude
25. Cheech and Chong
26. Adam and Eve
27. Edie and Steve
28. Gary Busey with fake Oscar
29. Sarah Palin with fake high school diploma
30. Chuck Berry with toilet plunger
31. Brett Favre with cell phone
32. Nick Nolte with booze bottle
33. David Hasselhoff with cheeseburger
34. Snooki with beer bong
35. Rip Torn waving gun
36. Dick Cheney in hunting gear
37. Jimmy “The Rent is Too Damn High” McMillan
38. Randy Quaid as Canadian Mountie
39. Florence Henderson with Wesson oil
40. Florence Henderson with Greg Brady
41. Donnie and Marie
42. Salt and Pepper
43. Salt-N-Pepa
44. Assault & Battery
45. Charlie Sheen with cheerleader
46. Pregnant cheerleader
    
47. Heidi Montag as Bride of Frankenstein
48. Michael Jackson’s favorite chimp, Bubbles
    
49. “Boy in the Bubble”
50. "Balloon Boy" floating into thin air...

But wait! There's more!

TMG-inspired costumes:

1. Scrim Shaw
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Chief Liam O’Liam
   
   
3. Nan Flanders
4. Member of the Speedwell Guild
5. Pilgrim (gone wild)
6. Crazy Old Man
7. Greyote
8. Greyote disguised as grandmother
9. Carpetbagger (also see: “Johnny Come Lately”)
10. Village People (Townies)

Note: Tiny minds running on empty this month.
Post your own clever ideas in the Comments bar below and we'll keep our list growing.
Happy Halloween! 

 

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

Local Video Gamers To Be 'Called-Up' For Military Training Exercises

Well-Calculated Strategic Insight from Military Genius,
Major Jack Mack

Please consider the following conditions:


1. FACT: There is a challenging summer job market for high school and college students. 

   
   
   
   
2. FACT: Many young Wampatusset males (12-21) are forced to hang around home this summer, watching TV or playing Call of Duty (COD) on X-Box Live. This platform features an Internet connection, allowing virtual- killing game play – in multiple, family living rooms, simultaneously.

   
3. There are supposedly Wapatusset-based, covert military operatives, monitoring local COD game play, spotlighting those physically idle teenage boys with with high kill-ratios and extended time periods in front of a TV screen.
   
   

   
   
4. Rumors abound concerning a top-secret intelligence-gathering team, working out of a former storage closet, deep within the Pentagon. These agents are compiling COD win ratios, allowing them to focus in on the best and brightest video warriors.

   
   
   
   
5. FACT: The treacherous Wapatusset streets can only be compared to war-torn Beirut during the worst of times.

   
   
   
   
6. FACT:
   Wapatusset + Summertime = WEDDING FACTORY

   
   
   
   
7. FACT:
   Wedding Guest Monitoring and DUI Enforcement + Extensive Roadwork and Uniformed Flagmen = OVER-WORKED POLICE DEPARTMENT

   
   
8. FACT: 
   The Wapatusset Junior Militia! A win win situation!

As part of the federal government’s economic stimulus package (and due to cumulative COD test scores), the Speedwell Guild, on behalf of the Office of Homeland Security, has  secured a grant to fund the Wapatusset Junior Militia. This will begin forming almost immediately.

All eligible participants will soon be notified concerning their preliminary meeting and screening locations. Marching drills slated for the town common are currently being coordinated by the Wapatusset Recreation Department.

Please allow us to remind you that reporting at your designated time, and to your designated location, is mandatory. Have a great summer!

TMG Road Post: The Most Patriotic People In The Good Ole U.S. of A.

As you might imagine, this was a very tough assignment for the disgruntled and grossly underpaid tiny editorial staff of TMG. Although our home-base of Wapatusset provides a rich cast of characters, we do pack up the Winnebago (TMGRV) and hit the road for our more far-reaching news assignments. Using advanced satellite technology (we purchased a former Soviet, 1970s model off eBay – and with a few spare Ford Pinto parts it works like a charm), we telexed this report in to the unsympathetic and overbearing publisher, who is holding down the fort at TMG headquarters. Stay tuned for his report on the most UNpatriotic people in America. (Or in Wapatusset. We're under a tight deadline.)

The Most Patriotic People

FIRST PLACE

Frank “Mel” Melloncamp | 
St. Louis, MO

Favorite songs:

“Born in the U.S.A.” (Bruce Springsteen), “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” (Conway Twitty)

Mel (no relation to John “Cougar”) sees the world in red, white and blue. His home, office cubicle, and everything he touches is decorated in stars and stripes. As an airbrush artist and graphic arts production assistant for A-A-A-A-ACME (proudly made in the U.S.A.) Packaging, he has free reign of industrial sprayers, compressors and gallons of toxic paint and ink. However, he chooses only three colors.

In preparation for July 4th, Mel spent the last four months painstakingly recreating the pinup image of Sarah Palin wearing an American flag bikini on the silo of his red barn. The svelte 2-D Sarah totes a 3-D rifle, constructed of recycled Marlboro cigarette cartons and scrap metal.

Mel drives a red Dodge Ram truck; drinks PBRs; wears denim on denim; eats only white bread and always wears white Fruit of the Loom briefs (bleached and boiled on the stovetop weekly by his Korean mother-in-law).  

His mission is to beautify America, one block at a time. Call for a free calendar or quote on your desktop publishing or airbrush artistry needs.

RUNNERS UP

Leeane “Hotlips” Lincoln
 | Epping, NH

Motto:
“Live Free or Die, Dammit”

Favorite junk food: 

Deep-fried Slim Jims

Hotlips is living the American dream, working three different jobs: NASCAR usherette, New Hampshire Tax-Free liquor store checkout clerk, and seasonal fireworks demonstration artist. In her spare time she fights against motorcycle helmet laws in neighboring states, the “cafeteria police” in her grandchildren’s school district, and the Dixie Chicks.

Nod Clogsworth
 | Wapatusset, MA

Mottoes: 

“Get a Haircut”  
“Nuclear Power or Bust”

Favorite junk food:

Wispride port cheese spread on a Carr’s water biscuit; Brigham’s frozen pudding

Hero: 

William F. Buckley

If not for his smart seersucker suits, you might mistake Nod for a Libertarian. As far as he’s concerned, America is going to hell in a hand-basket. And fast. He’s determined to bring down the Communist town, state and federal government by writing as many letters to the editor of the Wapatusset Seafarer as possible. In his spare time, he serves as a docent at the Hysterical Society Museum (dressed in period costume) and does battle re-enactments with the local chapter of the Speedwell Guild. A board member of the NRA, he once shot off his big toe at the local Rod and Gun Club, just to prove that guns were safe. "I've had a wooden toe for 20 years now and it hasn't slowed me down a bit," he said. "Plus I get Handicapped parking and a front row seat at Town Meeting."

Mr. Clogsworth, we tip our straw hats to you!

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING: Where is the Public Outrage?

Seal Coating truck recently vandalized by activists.

The following article was submitted by nationally acclaimed folksinger and animal rights activist Joany Seng-Lowe. Joany was recently in Wapatusset to attend an emergency board meeting of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) and to attend her brother’s bail hearing.

Joany Seng-Lowe (file photo)

Dear Tiny Mind Gazette:
You only need to drive a couple blocks in Wapatusset before stumbling upon a suburban residence with a cordoned off asphalt driveway – blackened to a sheen that can only be achieved by one method, and one method alone.

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING!


Adorable baby seal escapes poachers.

I ask you, the general public, where is the outrage?
How many more seal lions have to die before this barbaric ritual is brought to an end?

Admittedly, I spend the majority of my life in either my minuscule Greenwich Village apartment or some seedy coffee house – darkened by the smoke of countless clove cigarettes, deep in the urban asphalt jungle –  to me, the suburban landscape is as foreign as the surface of the moon.

However, my well-honed artistic sensibilities to both right and wrong, have directed me to take up a new cause – to BAN SEAL COATING!

I urge you, as responsible citizens of the planet, to stand-up an let your voices be heard! Please join me in putting an end to this horrible atrocity – happening in your own driveway!


Gypsy Mouths (from upcoming album: Seng-Lowe: Suite Chariot)

Editor’s Note:
Joany and her band, ‘The Gypsy Mouths’ will be performing a FREE benefit concert this summer at the Speedwell Guild Lodge. Additional information will soon be released as soon as it becomes available. Seng-Lowe’s new album, ‘Suite Chariot’ is scheduled for a July release date.

From Mega-Mansion to Casino Royale?

Seems like there’s a new rumor swirling around Wapatusset each week about the $66 million compound up for grabs at the Cove. Last week we reported that a celebrity movie-star couple with six kids was eyeing the grounds to build an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

This week the buzz is all about gambling. Owners of a mega casino complex in New Jersey are said to be brewing plans for an exclusive seaside gambling and entertainment resort with action-packed gaming options, all-you-can-eat buffets, shopping and nightlife galore!

Reactions from residents have been mixed. “The old-money oil barons must be rolling in their graves,” said Midge Higgins, chair of the Hysterical Society. “This will give the nitwits and naysayers their just desserts,” said old timer Nod Clogsworth, though he declined to elaborate.

“This is exactly the kind of buzz this sleepy town needs,” said Cynthia Smith, real estate agent and newcomer. “Women in Wapatusset and surrounding communities need more full-service spa options. And many of the men who work in finance really miss the thrill of high-stakes trading. Financial regulation has got them down in the dumps, and this could be just the adrenaline boost they need!”

Meanwhile, another rumor has it that members of a long-forgotten Pilgrim tribe (see “Creepy Pilgrim Dudes") are plotting to lay claim to the land around the Cove. This is the same group that was trespassing at the Crook Estate (see “Pilgrims Gone Wild”).

They private group is planning a closed-door meeting at the Speedwell Guild lodge. Miles Broadbrush, current leader of the Speedwell Guild, is also a voting member of the Wapatusset Zoning Board, which could spell a conflict of interest. He was not available for comment.

Reported by Agent SS

Editorial Cartoonist, Found Drifting at Sea in Attempted Self-Imposed Exile.

Wapatusset Rescue Helicopter (file photo)


Members of the Speedwell Guild’s amphibious militia group, along with the newly instated Wapatusset Police Department, Kayak Unit –rescued Wapatusset Wanderer cartoonist, E. H. Alexander as his ice-based rafting vessel began to melt, 2 miles offshore.

Mr. Alexander, has been under persistent fire from Wanderer readers– critical of his recent failed attempts at the rapier wit required of relevant newspaper editorial cartoonists. “Quite frankly, he was no longer, either funny or poignant with his currently stale political insights,” stated Wanderer editor Sherry Edsel. “Rather than being objective, he was looking at his half-glass filled world from only a perspective that a select group, might wallow in. ”A student of Inuit (Eskimo) cultures, a deeply depressed Mr. Alexander had elected to exit Wapatusset as any proud eskimo would. He set off on a journey towards the ‘big bright white light’– drifting out to sea on a 5’ x 5’ block of ice with a bag of dried corn by his side.

Although the ice slab was nearly 2 feet thick, the warmth of the Spring air in combination with the heat generated by Alexander’s battery-powered mukluk warmers – caused the ice to melt more quickly than Alexander had originally anticipated. It was also at this time, that the misguided political satirist experienced a hallucinogenic view of his recent monolithic and bitter portfolio of work.

Wrapped in a blanket and sipping hot tea from the deck of the town Harbormaster’s rescue boat, a recently rescued and spiritually renewed Mr. Alexander admitted, that perhaps, he had lost touch with the town as a whole. “I was no longer about bringing the town together,” stated Mr. Alexander. “My poison pen was forming a multi-faceted wedge that was splintering the town apart.”

a renewed Alexander, following recent rescue

We look forward to the return of Mr. Alexander’s rye humor. Humor that unites people – rather than drive them apart!

Last Weekend’s Manhunt Forces Overdue Changes in Police Department

Wapatusset Police Tree Officer observes suspicious yoga activity in Wapatusset forest

In light of last weekend’s manhunt and fugitive chase, the Wapatusset Police Department has instituted some sweeping policy changes. In place of the weekly Tiny Mind Gazette policeBLOG, we would like to include a recent interview with police department media representative and publicist, Liam O’Liam. Wednesday morning, we were able to join Officer O’Liam at his usual breakfast spot, Memories-O-France, as he enjoyed a black French vanilla coffee and a dish of French vanilla yogurt with fruit wedges.

O'Liam (file photo)

TMG: Officer O’Liam, thank you for your time. I think that we both realize the importance of maintaining clear and concise communication between your department and our fledgling online news publication– that is barely receiving 35 hits per day. Can you please provide us some details regarding the recent changes in the police department?

LOL: You are very welcome. Can you please pass the Splenda®. Thank you.

Once peace was restored following the lockup of (Kevin Bacon look-alike) Mr. Wolfe Chittister, the entire department engaged in a 2-day postmortem session at Hal’s Half-Acre Retirement Home and Conference Center. At the conclusion of many intense sessions, we came to the realization that multiple departmental processes and policies need to be tweaked.

TMG: While these series of meetings were being conducted, who was responsible for overseeing the public safety of our town?

LOL: On Sunday, while most of the police force was combing the woods and monitoring Tiny Harbor swimming activities, members of the Speedwell Guild, voluntarily stepped up to the plate– forming a posse subcommittee of their militia group. On Monday, this haggard band, offered to extend their protective measures of Martial Law– while we met offsite in our symposium.

TMG: Mr. Liam, can you please explain some of the changes that we should come to expect within the next few weeks?

LOL: Part of your answer is sitting right in front of me. You may have noticed that instead of my usual Buttered Crescent de Eiffel and French Vanilla Frappé, this morning I am enjoying a remarkably healthy breakfast. This is part of our internal, ‘You Are What You Eat,’ campaign. I am sure that you have noticed the ‘Donut Free Zone’ signs that have been posted around our station. Please allow me to add, that this, does not imply public safety at local donut shops will be in jeopardy. We will still continue to monitor donut shop activity– but not as customers.

TMG: Officer Liam, from what you’re saying, the police department has engaged in a program to force the officers to be in better physical shape?


Police Department Kayak Fleet (file photo)

LOL: A major portion of our sweeping departmental change, involves moving patrolpeople out of motorized police vehicles and into modes of transportation that require more physical excursion. This includes the new, police department Kayak Division, which will be patrolling Tiny Harbor– 24x7, during warm weather months. Additionally, we will be increasing the number of bicycle officers. One benefit to this, is that it will allow us to remove many of the stolen bicycles– currently stored in our station’s ‘lost and found’ department.

TMG: I understand from representatives of the Lackluster Video Store, that at least one officer from the force recently rented the movie ‘Serpico’, while another officer reportedly checked out the special anniversary edition of ‘The Wizard of Oz’. What is the connection to the department’s reengineering efforts?

LOL: During the symposium, we discussed the need to vastly improve our undercover police tactics and policies. We also became reacquainted with recent advances in, modern camouflaging techniques. During one brainstorming session, it was ‘ideated’ that there would be a significant benefit to patrolling nearby forests– by officers dressed as trees.


concept sketch by Mr. Thule

Mid-afternoon during the second day of our session, Mr. Stanley Thule, set-builder for the Wapatusset Community Theater’s production of the Kevin Bacon classic, ‘Tremors’ (in which, ironically– Mr. Chiddester was to play the lead role) provided a historical retrospective on the development of tree costumes from the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz, to present day films and theater productions. Mr. Thule has been engaged by the department, to develop several different tree uniforms, (involving at least two tree species) for the force.

TMG: Liam, we have discussed new diet regulations. What about other means of improving the physical fitness of the force?

LOL: Admittedly, there are a handful of officers who have increased their girth during the past few cold and gray winter months and would benefit from a regular fitness routine. After hours of meaningful dialog, we have devised a policy, that we feel, solves two different problems.

You may or not be aware of the multiple purse swipings  and ‘satchel’ snatchings at multitude of local yoga studios– increasing the need for yoga studio security. We look at this as a ‘win-win’ situation for the town. We will now post undercover officers within the studios– monitoring studio security– while they simultaneously engage in rigorous, fat-burning exercise. This program is scheduled to begin within the next couple of weeks. We are currently awaiting the shipment of a custom order from the Lululemon, Big & Tall Shop.

TMG: Officer Liam, I would like to thank you for your time and your candid responses to our top line of questioning. Speaking for myself, I am thrilled to hear about the positive changes that you have addressed.

LOL: You are certainly welcome. I would like to just take a moment to remind Wapatusset residents to remain alert, and not hesitate in contacting the police department to report any suspicious activity.

I would also like to mention that before engaging in forest woodcutting or lumberjack-centric activities, please inspect the tree carefully – before cutting it down.

The regularly scheduled policeBLOG will return next week.