Fundraising season is in full swing in Wapatusset, USA. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blonde rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.
To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought it might be a good time to re-publish our Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.
As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand while balancing a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.
Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activities—and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches—the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks.
The Seven Rules.
1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way this word is interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating’ means NOTHING in the middle of March!
2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt, and on the same day he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’
3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.
4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.
5. A Decorated Basket with Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest, Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.
6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?
7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. 5 Lessons with Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby.
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! ‘Run like the wind, Bullseye!’
Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!
- by TMG publisher/social critic Mr. T. Benchley; originally published in May, 2010
