Tiny Mind Gazette

Scrim Shaw: Support Chowder Schools! Vote 'Yes' on Question 2.

In my classic, well-worn corduroy, old-school way of thinking, voting for Question 2 is a no-brainer.

Chowder Schools are a crucial element in the history and tradition of New England. With recent technological advances including those little hand-held devices that are sucking the life out of life, time-honored cooking activities are rapidly draining from our charmingly unique region.

When was the last time that you enjoyed a delicately balanced and steaming cup of New England's most valuable treasure? Potato shards, fragmented clam pieces, butter, shredded bacon, thick cream all commingling and congealing in perfect heart-punding harmony – YUM!

For this old salt, the epicurean landscape has become congealed with cookie cutter eateries where meals are removed from the freezer, unpackaged, zapped, and slapped onto an awaiting food receptacle. The result is a lukewarm beige substance that tingles the palette with less enthusiasm than a spoonful of latex ceiling paint.

It is a far time that taxpayer dollars are directed to the rejuvenation of a food form soon destined for cardiac arrest and eventual death!

Please join me, Scrim Shaw, and vote 'YES' on Question 2 so that we can build the Chowder Schools necessary to advance and protect a New England gastronomical jewel!

Greyote Gala and Animal Hoarder Fashion Show Tonight: Stay tuned to TMG!

Tickets are going fast for tonight’s 2nd annual Greyote Gala at the Clam Shack on Wapatusset Harbor. Thanks to emcee Scrim Shaw, keynote speaker Liam O’Liam and event planner extraordinaire Trixie Morton, the gala is sure to draw a colorful mix of animal lovers, townies, socialites and social misfits. 

O'Liam

Jane Peyton, volunteer outreach coordinator for the Greyote Rescue League, will oversee the Feline-Canine Fashion Show (to benefit the local chapter of Animal Hoarders Anonymous). Highlights include Persian cat hair wigs, hair extensions and shoulder bags modeled by Shari Bing (author of the Vegan Margarita Diet Cookbook) and a song-and-dance tribute to “Cats” by local politician and pianist Dina Canady. Rumor has it that ambulance-chaser/stand-up comic Craig Barkin might make a surprise appearance (leaving his own birthday party) to do his famous dog jokes and Huckleberry Hound impersonations. 

Shaw

TMG fashion correspondents will be on hand with updates from the "red carpet" outside the Clam Shack, beginning at 5:00 p.m. today. Here's a sneak peek at some of designs we're expecting to see from party-goers and models alike. Hope to see you there!

For more info:

Around the Pond: Get Ready for the Greyote Gala

Confessions: Animal Hoarding (Animal Planet) 

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What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Squirrels Go Nuts, Homeowners Go Berzerk: Defoliation in the name of Sciurus carolinensis

Is an overzealous Animal Control campaign to blame?

They’re everywhere!  They’re everywhere!

Sciurus carolinensis (the Eastern Gray Squirrel) has taken over Oak Street.

The winter breeding season and the recent southern migration due to a rumored frenzied Animal Control campaign in the northeastern U.S. has caused an exodus of herds of gray squirrels to southern locales.

In an attempt to keep spring plantings and porch plants safe, residents have exhausted all home remedies in combatting these pesky varmints.

The word on the street

“Squirrels supposedly hate red peppers, so I mixed up hot sauce and hot water in the squirt gun and sprayed every last one of them…all I got was ‘FU’ dug into my lawn where they had planted earlier caches of my stale holiday nuts,” said Agnes O’Day.

“I tried trapping and relocating them to a park twenty miles away,” said another Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps. “All they did was recruit more squirrels on the way back… I even tried marking them with spray paint to track them. Now I have two dozen pink tailed squirrels residing in the sweet gum out back,” states Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps.

“I tried being nice to them and throwing them peanuts for a few weeks,” said one resident,” but when the food ran out, they started stealing anything wood to chew on… wooden knobs, old holiday ornaments, and even sections of the back screen door.”

Tree trimmers go berzerk

Neighbors heeded the warning words of northern animal control experts and have attempted to reduce the food source of these pesky critters. The Gonzalez and Martinez families on the corner chopped down 50- year-old oaks and reduced eight-foot hedges to toothpick size.

Swarms of tree trimmers were seen yesterday swinging with chainsaws from the branches of the 100-foot sweet gum in Mohammed’s yard in the middle of the neighborhood. All others have followed suit.

As the last tree on Oak Street fell, squirrels could be seen holding their ears and slowly sneaking off to Elm Street.

With the last “Tim-ber”, a two-foot-wide nest of twigs, leaves and scrap cardboard rolled down the lane.  One could glimpse one final message as the dwelling broke open: “Scrim Shaw for Global Animal Control.”

Reporting from the acorn-enriched and foliage-depleted wasteland –Dr. F.

Animal Control Candidate, Scrim Shaw: “I wasn’t drunk but I had been drinking.”

Report from the Campaign Trail.

Having been out on the campaign trail for several weeks, I have been heartened by the widespread support and feel more confident than ever. With election day right around the corner, I am convinced that I will soon have an engraved nameplate on the door to the animal control office (located in the maintenance shed, directly behind Wapatusset Town Hall).

But whether I win or lose, this campaign ordeal has taught me several very important lessons. Here is my short list:

1. When you borrow a penguin from the aquarium, work through the proper channels and receive the proper sign-off.

I was terribly mistaken in thinking that these creatures were participating in aquarium activities by their own free will. Although my former penguin sidekick, Chauncey, received an overwhelming share of positive attention as we waved signs and flippers to vehicles entering and exiting the Super Stop & Chat, I did not anticipate things going so far. What was thought to be a brief “bio-break” turned out to be Chauncey’s premeditated visit to the seafood counter. Some found his tap dancing routine hilarious, others found it unsanitary and disturbing. To avoid a lengthy court proceeding, the damages were absorbed by my own pocketbook and I have agreed to step neither foot nor flipper in the store again. The tuxedoed pescetarian was returned to captivity, and all criminal charges have been dropped. For future campaigning, I might recommend a chimpanzee or heavily sedated squirrel.

2. Upon the recommendation of my campaign manager, underwriting and chaperoning a Boy Scouts overnight in the abandoned wolf dens seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Besides, how might one achieve the wild animal husbandry merit badge, without a real-time experience? Perhaps it was the ignition of the smuggled fireworks that set things in motion. There is also a good chance that the loud and horribly off-key campfire songs started the snowball rolling down the steep and slippery slope. Whatever it was, or whoever was to blame, it awoke the 600 lb. narcoleptic Sasquatch with a start and within seconds cleared the immediate area of all animals, vegetables and minerals. In the end, all scouts and leaders were accounted for, but the matter is still under investigation with the Old Colony regional scouting board.

3. The Easter Sunday/Campaign Bunny Hop was a “fun-raiser” intended to bring friends and family together on the town common, to watch the adorable white rabbits hop through the green grass.

For those who gathered up their children and left early, it was a delightful event. For those who witnessed the birds of prey attack, it is a deeply etched visual memory that will linger in craniums for many years ahead. After the first two hares were snatched, shocked volunteers were unable to herd the remaining bunnies into their hutches. The full-scale aerial assault left five rabbits heading to the happy hopping ground.

4. For those who volunteered their tropical fish for the licensing demonstration, I owe you a trip to the pet store.

Duct tape has always been a staple in my toolbox, and who would not consider it the perfect solution to attaching license collars to the necks of small fish? We never imagined that the strong adhesive might remove a substantial portion of a small fish’s scales. Despite the terrible blunder, we have retooled and returned to our initial concept: applying a fish’s registered license number with an ultra-fine, waterproof Sharpie.

Time to get back on the campaign merry-go-round. I still have several “meet and greets” and koffee klatches to attend, plus the hot dog and beans jamboree. Thank you for your time. Remember to get out and vote—and when you vote, vote Scrim Shaw for animal control officer!

It’s Time to Put the “Control” Back in Animal Control!

Please allow me to thank all of the concerned citizens of Wapatusset who have stepped forward, encouraging me to throw my well-worn and tattered hat into the local no-holds-barred political wrestling ring. At this moment in time, following excruciating thought and only partially divisive deliberation, Morton Scrim Shaw has officially entered the race for Wapatusset Animal Control Officer.

To this elected position, I bring forth the following experience:

• former government agent
• movie stunt stand-in for renowned actor Stephen Segal (in Hard to Kill, Under Seige, and briefly in Fire Down Below)
• former witness protection program candidate
• NASA intern
• cross-dressing roller derby star (during stint as unpaid gonzo journalist for Rolling Stone)
• seasonal Hickory Farms cheese-sample attendant
• director of the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League

I have elected to move my career into new and unchartered territory—giving back to the community (for a modest salary and above-average medical benefits).

My current platform involves the following key points. As my campaign continues to evolve and fester, I will surely provide a sharper lens and more focused thought.

Critical Issues

Sasquatch:
Since the founding of Wapatusset in the early 1600s, rumors have circulated about a half-human/half-beast that has roamed this hamlet’s nearby forests. Some refer to him as a Sasquatch, others Bigfoot—and to younger generations, “that whacked out hippie dude that lives in a tree.”

As director of the Office of Animal Control, I promise to capture this creature, bringing an end to centuries of fearful curiosity and irregular tourism. Imagine the tourist dollars that a caged Yeti will bring to our cash-strapped town: customized “Monster of Wapatusset” t-shirts, coffee mugs, earth-friendly water bottles, and magnetic mini-van decals.

(Don Wingood of Wingood Graphics, I am counting on at least one of your votes.) 

All-Pet Licensing:
As a new revenue source, and as an effort to combat the injustice that lingers in terms of household pet ownership, my office and my appointed Animal Control Cabinet will institute a town-wide licensing program for all non-canine pets.

For an over-extended period of time, dogs have borne the unfair brunt of Wapatusset’s pet licensing requirements. Owners of cats, domesticated rodents, reptiles, fish and large poisonous spiders have been unfairly exempt from paying licensing fees.

Sure, it is nearly impossible to fit a collar around a neck-less fish. However, my exploratory team is looking into color-coded, adhesive licenses that may be applied to the exterior of fish tanks. Licensing fees will be determined by the number of (live) inhabitants within each water-filled tank. For the office waiting rooms of doctors, Chinese restaurants, and grocery stores,* there will be an additional surcharge for aquariums receiving significantly greater daily viewership.

Similar research is currently being conducted for the licensing of snakes and large poisonous insects, where a traditional pet collar/license is not feasible.

“Paris Hilton” Purse Dogs:
Yes, yes. I have received several complaints about these creatures (and their owners).
Apparently I am not the only one creeped out by the blonde Wapatusset cougars who insist on carrying around their unusually coiffed, rodent-like purse dogs. (From a purely visual standpoint, I’d say they are actually closer to a marsh rat than to man’s best friend.) However, I am thinking that perhaps we should not do a thing about them. As my dearly departed mother used to say, “If you ignore them they will just go away.”

While on the topic of demented furry creatures, my office is instituting a campaign that will hopefully make individuals more aware of diseased wild animals. Check out this for a bumper sticker: “If it Foams, Let it Roam!”

(Mr. Wingood, here is another business opportunity—if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.)

I had a fifth point but with lunchtime approaching, I’ll get to that one later. I am Morton “Scrim” Shaw, and I want to be YOUR Animal Control Officer!

*For grocery stores where tank inhabitants are sold for human ingestion (i.e. lobsters), temporary licenses will be made available on an as-needed basis.

Elderly man accidentally brings down Internet in southeast New England

A 72-year-old Wapatusset resident accidentally shut down the Internet in southeastern Massachusetts for several hours yesterday when he sliced through a fiber optic cable while digging for quahogs.

Scrim Shaw, amateur naturalist known for his Yankee thrift, was foraging for his afternoon meal in the mudflats near Weasel Dam. Equipped with a spade, lunch pail and his trusty metal detector, Mr. Shaw was digging in his usual spot when he hit an “unusual object.” Suspecting it was either “a petrified eel or a submarine telegraph cable,” he dug deeper to investigate.

Nearly all of southeast Massachusetts was without Internet access for a period ranging from two to 12 hours. “Scrim,” as the locals call him, was questioned by police chief Liam O’Liam and charged with destruction of communications equipment and as well as disrupting the ecosystem in the (already politically contentious) wetlands area. After one night in jail, he was temporarily released due to his old age and in consideration of his peculiar dietary requirements.

- reported by Technology and Crime correspondent Agent SS

5 Points Proving Humans Still Require Further Evolution

Drunk? Stupid? Both.

NY Judge Jails Man For Lugging Beer To DWI Hearing

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Creative youth, future TMG Reporter?

Police: Boy claimed shooting to cover ripped pants

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Return to offender. Targetted direct mail campaign.

WWII machine gun found in Lithuanian mail

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When Doodie Falls, Luck Will Have It.
Pooping and Scratching: The New Path to Riches

New Zealand man proves being hit by bird droppings is lucky

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Half-baked idea cooked up by the flour girl?

Bride's life-size wedding cake shaped like herself puts other completely insane brides at ease.

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National Day of Unplugging: Get your Amish on

We’re sure you are all aware that the 2nd annual National Day of Unplugging runs from sundown Friday, March 4 to sundown on Saturday, March 5. Many progressive organizations, religious zealots, Mother Jones readers and hemp underwear-clad friends may be urging you to disconnect from the Internet and reconnect with dysfunctional family members and the world around you.

At TMG, we’re going beyond the clichéd “unplug and recharge” and turning the 21^st century on its head. For one weekend only, we’ll be publishing from the dilapidated 18^th century barn behind Scrim Shaw’s ramshackle (mobile) homestead in Wapatusset Farms. Our publisher is reaching back to his Pennsylvania roots and wearing his favorite traditional garb while ordering writers, editors and the staff of unpaid interns to churn butter, spin yarn and work the makeshift letterpress while his trusty dog treads the waterwheel to conduct electricity.

Tiny Mind Gazette will also be broadcasting via short-wave radio for those who find it hard to go cold turkey to print alone. A fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls from the Coastal Institute are on standby to deliver breaking news to doorsteps throughout the 50 contiguous states, weather permitting. 

Stay tuned...

- by TMG current affairs correspondent, Sally Sisson

Ask Johnny & The Spaz: The "Friendly IT Twins" Answer Your Office Technology Queries

Dear Johnny,
Whenever I open a Word document, I see the “Home” tab, but it never takes me home.

Why?

crazy4u, So. Wapatusset

Dear Crazy,

“Home” is just a metaphor (that means “symbol”) for a “destination” some of “us” refer to when returning to the place of “origin” of the “document,” not the place of our “birth” or upbringing or where we store the Wii. In many software programs, words such as “mailings” and “Acrobat,” do not bring us glamour magazines or circus performers. You see, a certain level of technical “sophistication” must be learned and earned—we cannot simply grant it from our “nest” on the fifth floor.

I hope this helps.
Johnny, Techmeister of the Year

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Dear D-Man,

Sometimes I hear strange noises coming from a funny box near my desk and lots of very thin white stuff with magical scrawling comes out of it.

Runwitsizzas, Zone 479

Dear RunWit,

Not to worry; this is a common occurrence. We use software such as Word (many letters in small and large bunches), Excel (numbers and money things), and PowerPoint (pictures, arrows, dark and light areas), to produce “documents.” Sometimes we want to “print” such documents in color. In those instances, we “send” them to the big bright machine behind you to “print them out,” And thus the noise and white stuff. So don’t worry about those funny sounds; it means someone, somewhere, in your building is possibly doing something useful. Maybe. Probably one of the bosses. Hey—it could happen.

Word.
Johnny, Your Office Helper Guy

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Dear Spaz,

How do I become one your tech groupies?

Starryeyed456, Outside your office window

Dear Starry,

While we have unlimited capacity at Planet Spazmatonic, we do not have unlimited patience. We must separate the wheat from the barley, and then ferment the barley. Therefore, please send me a photo of yourself embedded in a Word document (or whipped cream), along with a 25-word statement as to why you would qualify as a Deputized Sheriff in the Great Techno KnowItAll Squadron, Secret Agent spaz’s Electronauts.

Slogan: “We’re not just technical geniuses, we floss, and use surge protectors, too!”

Motto 1A: “If it has electorific parts and wires, we know where the plugs are!”

Motto 1B: “We friggin’ love punctuation!%$#!”

Secret club password: SecretClubPassword. (This will be sent to you upon acceptance. You’ll be able to decode it with your Deputy badge. Hint: the hint is in the password.)

Brother Spaz, Lord of the Ether

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Dear Delusional “Guru,”

Is Microsoft—or even anyone at TMG—aware you are disseminating this drivel?

jhg, Wapatusset Dept of Truth

Dear Jhg,

First of all, no one has ever called me a “Guru” before—thank you. (And you know we love the extra punctuation marks! Cool!) I understand your eagerness to learn more. It took me months before I learned drivel. To access drivel in Microsoft Word, open HOME, open OPEN, open EDITOR folder, open SCRIM SHAW, and just start sorting through the documents. (Caution: Do not open anything if you have a mouth full of liquid! He he!)

Thermo Spaz, The IT Vacuum of Knowledge

Tech Tip of the Season: Every keyboard (except for laptops) has a number pad.
Try tapping 2, 4, 6, or 8 and see what happens!!  (I know!!!! Cool, huh????)