Tiny Mind Gazette

Happy (Helmet) Friday!

Ten-day forecasts for regions throughout most of the United States call for colder than normal temperatures, icy conditions, Arctic blasts, depressingly grey skies, freezing rain, and everyone’s favorite: “wintry mix.” All this, combined with dirty snow banks and depression that lasts more the seven days, is sending some completely over the edge. Before you reach for the bottle or the Ben & Jerry’s, get your hands on a Happy Helmet. Express shipping available; underpaid customer service reps are working overtime to take your orders!

Vonko H² “Happy Helmet” Model VH32.1 :: The latest in light-box convenience

Winter weather got you down?
Co-workers tired of your kvetching?
Too broke for a tropical vacation?

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

This stylish model features a built-in MP3 stereo, air freshener (Arctic Blast, Mountain Pine or Fish & Chips), dawn/dusk light simulation, and spray-tan spritzer.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:
“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.

by Sally Sisson

Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach

Scientists, ornithologists, busy-bodies and media hounds descended on the tiny town of Wapatusset last week to investigate the mysterious death of hundreds (or, as some have estimated, hundreds of thousands) of seagulls. A makeshift laboratory has been set up next to the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute to conduct toxicology and other tests on the birds. Outreach and fundraising efforts are already underway to support their efforts.

 
Reports that "Flock of Seagulls" will perform at a benefit concert have yet to be confirmed. Local real estate agent and masseuse Glenn Denver has offered "Black Katz" (his Eagles tribute band) as a fallback, and will sing a selection of Sting ballads.

As unfortunate as this is, it has provided a new sense of purpose for local volunteers like Scrim Shaw, former director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League). And for the many underemployed and bored townspeople, it's finally something new to talk about.

“This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Joe McSmith as he took a break from a vigorous walk with his metal detector. Indeed, many notable items have been found washed up on the beaches of Wapatusset, especially during storm season (see "Jimmy Choo washes up on beach.") As Joe says, "In this crazy town, you just never know what will happen next!"

 
Local residents offered many possible explanations for the tragic seagull deaths:

• Rancid clam strips from greasy restaurant in “one of the neighboring towns”
• Collective McMansion Chem-Lawn residue from melt after recent Nor’easter
• Alcohol fumes from recent ladies’ New Year brunch at the Chardonnay Institute
• Electromagnetic disturbances from mass-scale Black Ops video gaming over winter break
• “Bad karma for stealing my sandwich last summer”

 Stay tuned for news at it unfolds…

- by CSI, animal control, and current affairs correspondent Agent SS

Church Steeple/Cell Tower Smolders as Citizens Point Fingers

 Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:

#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.

#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.

 

Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.

 

 
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.

 

“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”

 

Hooper (file photo)

Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”

 

Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.

 

McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse

“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”

Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)

A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

“Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life”: Despite sudden departure, speaker leaves nearly a dozen in stitches

For members of the Wapatusset High School, Class of 2010, there was little surprise to commencement speaker, Coach ‘Stitches’ O’Williams’ forty minute, keynote rant – “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life.” Former players, spectators and umpires have experienced on-field snippets of this speech during O’Flaherty’s 25-year run as Wapatusset Youth Baseball & Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner, and head baseball coach.

Several audience members, including this reporter, were shocked to see O’Williams surrounded by federal officers, handcuffed, and led away to a nearby fleet of idling government SUVs. This was, immediately before his chaotic diatribe had reached its full crescendo.



O’Williams had just stated a poignant question, extremely significant to his speech, “Choices in Life: Take One For the Team or Charge the Mound?” – when a federal officer (dressed as a weeping grandmother) sprang to his feet from the second row – and yelled, “Get the smarmy little kook!”

“O’Williams was our third choice for commencement speaker,” remarked Wapatusset school committee member, Dr. Grey Von Fleece. “Our first choice was Professor Flagon, of the Center for Chardonnay Studies. Unfortunately, Flagon has recently been fitted with a Lindsay Lohan, designer ankle bracelet, and must maintain a distance of no greater than 300 feet from his apartment,” added Von Fleece.

“We considered moving the ‘Summer Carnival of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers’ tent (where commencement ceremonies were held) closer to Flagon’s residence but with the upcoming performance by ‘Mechanically Separated Chicken,’ (a ‘Canned Canaries’ tribute band, who present an onstage, group impersonation of a ‘Flock of Seagulls’ concert), the logistics did not work in our favor,” stated Roberts Bobb, Summer Carnival (of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers) director.

“Our second choice was the legendary, Scrim Shaw, director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL), but he is still missing and presumed dead,” added Von Fleece.

“We spent nearly one-third, of last month’s 16-hour, marathon school committee meeting discussing commencement speaker prospects.” “O’Williams has been an important part of the community over the past 30 years and should be credited with his contribution to the explosive growth of youth sports such as soccer and lacrosse,” stated Von Fleece.

Once law enforcement vehicles left the scene, Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower, provided a multi-denominational and non-higher-being-specific, closing prayer.

It was the dive-bombing, mosquito-control, aircraft that caused the stampede of commencement guests and participants – leaving nearly a dozen with minor injuries.



“With all the wet weather, this past spring, we have noticed a considerable increase in the local mosquito population,” stated Wapatusset Insect Control Agent, Gerta Klue.

“As any sixth grade science teacher will tell you, mosquitos are attracted to human CO2 emissions – and when we get a group of 100 or more together, it gives us the opportunity to scorch the little buggers – the mosquitoes, that is!”

“Despite the minor injuries and the shredded carnival tent, we see the recent event as having significant affect in the ongoing 'War on Bugs,' stated Klue.

Congratulations to the Wapatusset Class of 2010! 

Free suitcases and bus tickets are still available. Contact your local Select-person.

Tiny Mind Gazette’s: 7 Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering

 

There are several indications that it is Fundraising season in Wapatusset. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blond rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.

To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought that it might be a good time to publish the Tiny Mind Gazette’s Seven Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.

As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’ Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand since they are trying to balance a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.

Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activites and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches – the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. This time they sign their name with their correct writing hand but in comparing the signatures, the first is a little less shaky, the ‘t’s’ are crossed and the ‘i’s’ are dotted.

The Seven Rules.



1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way that this word is individually interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating,” means NOTHING in the middle of March!

2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt and on the same day, he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest, hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’

3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame – PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.

5. A Decorated Basket filled Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest – Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.

6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets, and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?

7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. Five Lessons with Renowned Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! “Run like the wind, Bullseye!”

Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!

Gifted Insect Entertains & Educates

The Grundel Hives

Retired Navy Seal, amateur videographer and now full-time beekeeper, Ed Grundell (pictured on left), has discovered a member of his hive with a very special gift. Alex, is a European honey bee that was born into his Wapatusset bee family nearly two weeks ago.

“I knew there was something special about Alex from the day that I saw him first take flight,” stated Mr. Grundell. “I have studied bees for many years and have paid strict attention to their natural flight patterns,” he added.  “Alex has always been different in that he is more independent and less eager to hang with the other bees. His erratic flying habits drew my attention almost immediately. Initially, I feared that he suffered from a wing disorder which was causing his quick turns and sporadic darting.”

It was not until Ed observed slow-motion videotape that he realized Alex’s natural ability to spell not only English words, but complete sentences. “I have a habit of videotaping all members of my hive for identification purposes and as a means to discourage bee rustlers. Think in terms of cattle ranchers and their need to brand their cattle. I have tried a similar method with bees, but the miniature branding iron is way to difficult to operate and nine times out of ten, has a detrimental effect on the tiny insect’s behavior and overall well-being,” Ed confessed. “Besides the branding process was causing me to go cross-eyed.”


Alex Grundell (file photo)

Alex’s spelling ability has rapidly increased during the past few days. Simple words such as ‘Dad’ and ‘Pollen’ have now turned into complete phrases such as ‘Do you remember when we met? That's the day I knew you were my pet. I want to tell you how much I love you’ – coincidently a stanza from the Honeydrippers 1984 hit, Sea of Love.

With a bee’s lifespan lasting between 28 and 35 days, Ed’s new mission is to expose as many people to Alex and his amazing gift. Please stop by the Wapatusset Middle School on Sunday to see this amazing spelling bee.

reported by Sandy Beaches, former tightrope walker and amateur entomologist

Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary

Waputasset (formerly TinyTown) Annexed by Telecommunications Services Provider, V-Mobile.

Waputasset’s bored selectman were reportedly engaged in a 12-hour, “Call of Duty,” video game marathon, against bitter rivals, the Speedwell Guild* – when upstart telecommunications services provider, V-Mobile swept in and stole the “keys” to town hall.

Apparently, the V-Mobile Group Inc., frustrated over local cell tower regulations and the resulting spotty cell phone coverage, made a decision late last week to annex the Town of Waputasset, by toppling the local government.

“It was the steeples that they wanted,” insists TMG IT department head, Brant Grant (left). “The spires of the two town common churches offer perfect locations for well-concealed, as well as, aesthetically appealing cellular antennas.”

Additionally, under their current military rule, V-Mobile has forced the two other competing telecommunications service providers, to pack up there super-slick marketing tents and leave town.

 “We are very much relieved,” stated town citizen, Sohier Wentworth. “Having to choose between the new challenger, Verizon FiOS, and the once, only-game-in-town, Comcast was way too difficult and stressful. Thankfully, the choice has been made for us – we will all be signed up with the new V-Mobile, Luvix product.”**

More updates will be posted as additional information becomes available.

*Not to be confused with the Creepy Pilgrim dudes who live in the woods.
**Not to be confused with the anti-depressant medication with a similar name.

Easy-to-Follow, Cut & Paste, Holiday Letter

Happy Holidays from the (Your Name Here), 2009.

Mother Constance and I are doing well, and we’re so happy to report the children are blessed and growing, each in his or her own way.

Sister Feeka, now 9, who insists on being called “Princess Swirling Hair” during the holidays, has been rehearsing for the “Mary Alice Montgomery Elementary School Grand Pageant of the Feathers,” an annual ritual attended by the pageanteers, their parents, wards of local state prisons, and two hundred thousand starving birds who peck the popcorn out of the costumes.

Little Bimbo is now three, and has asked Santa for her own North Pole, so she can practice dancing and prancing, the little vixen.

Baby Bumpee is learning his ABCs and 123s (though he is still struggling with number 2 at all the wrong times). His favorite is a crowded elevator, but he’s making progress, bless his screwy little heart.

The triplets Harpo, Peebo, and Gumbo are hard at work on their annual talent show, featuring gymnastics, miniature bicycles and ramps, and a new secret act involving boiled root vegetables, a hammock, and a Gila Monster named Vanessa.

Brother Yupo is trying to grow hair under his arms “so my voice will change in time for the caroling competition.”

Shanana is making great progress on her website and gets calls from all across the country. Goodness, that child can talk a blue streak—heaven knows what she has in common with all those people at all hours of the night, but she is putting together a nice little bankroll. Ever since the “tour guide” from the “vacation outlet” stopped by, we have pretty much left her to her own devices.

Welkie is doing so well at college. He almost made dean’s list, except for the C- in hygiene, and two Ds in second semester Spanish. He was taking it twice this semester, with two different professors.  As you know from our letters, he’s been trying this with French, Portuguese, Texan, Irish, and Australian the past seventeen years, but you have to admire his determination. We just keep writing the tuition checks and he keeps sending notes of thanks and that’s all a parent could ask. He’s turning 35 this year, so we expect he’ll be coming up on graduation soon.

Hermie is now Haroku Numori, having moved to Japan and “converted.” He asks for all of you to visit anytime, but not to mention “Purr Hahbuh.”

Brammy is still in his goth phase, wearing black cloaks and knee-high boots, even in bed, and counting everything at the top of his lungs. “ONE! TWO! THREE! pancakes. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! steps to the driveway…” And on–and-on.

Lastly, our high school senior Skubidoo has finished her dental work and will begin prepping for the upcoming swim team’s big season. With the oars, wings, flaps, rudders, and struts removed from her mouth, she figures to be a strong contender in the freestyle. Not to mention the hallways.

We visited Uncle Turlo just before the holiday and he showed us around the airport he’s been building in his Dorchester basement. “Getting the tower up was tough, but it all kinda fits. Next year, I’m building a jumbo jet, a really, really, jumbo jumbo jet,” he smiles. “This year Muriel and I are settling for the helicopter on the roof, but it kind of aggravates the neighbors” [they live in a three-decker].

We left him with a Costco-sized case of cranberry juice (he loves it in his weekly bath). Muriel was happy to see us, and thanked us for visiting the airport. “Better you than the FBI,” she said nervously. “Every time someone walks by, they stare, so I think we’re under surveillance.” We think they’ve done really nicely with their driveway, given all the cement and asphalt trucks, the cranes, and FAA vehicles that rumble through each hour.

Grandma Sam is still living with us, and she’s working on the crossword she hopes to send to the New York Times. We keep telling her the theme of ‘1930s cusswords’ probably isn’t going to be accepted, and then she tells us to go *%##%* ourselves. Whatever that means. (Last week, we had a little scare. That rascal Bumpy was loading some peanut butter into Grandma’s IV tube, but we caught him in time.)

Mother has been packing all week for Uncle Jeffie’s visit, but I keep telling her, “He’ll leave us when he’s ready. Now go put his things back in the guest room.”

We’ll be having the usual big feast with turkey and all the trimmings. This year Mother is determined “to turn the stove on, damn it!” because we all got sick last year after pretending for her sake “that it was cooked just fine.” Don’t ask.

Even our little dog TrentLott is in the holiday spirit, chewing off his leg hair in a candy cane pattern.

And I in my kerchief have just settled down to finish this long winter’s note.

Lastly, we give thanks to the almighty, the pretty mighty, the almost mighty, or the totally-distracted-ethereal-being who allowed that idiot Bush to become President twice, for all the blessings on this holiday season, our family, friends, and most of all, that guy who has mixed up his bank account number and paid our mortgage online the past three months.

Grandma adds: “Have a happy  sp%3*#$%&#  holiday! Or kiss my pl#&*%#@*#.”

With love, J.

J. DiCocco works for a local academic institution (of higher learning) and submits his rantings to the TMG, from time to time.