Tiny Mind Gazette

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

'Spy Swap' (not wife swap!) set for Russian Agent Arrested in Boston Suburb

With rumors swirling around Wapatusset concerning the recent arrest of Muffy Milken (a.k.a. Natasha Fatale), residents are getting a mix of fact and fiction from the local grapevine. Here’s an attempt to set things straight.

Bebe Boesky | a.k.a. Muffy Milken (file photo)

FACT:
The Russian woman known in America as both Bebe Boesky and, most recently, Muffy Milken, was arrested for suspicion of spying for the Russian government. She is being held without bail in the Wapatusset Police Station jail. (See “Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?" for details.)

Earlier today, major media outlets released news of a “Spy Swap”, in which several suspected spies (including Ms. Milken) are to be escorted to CIS (Central Intelligence Spy division) headquarters in Alexandria, VA. Top-secret plans are in the works with officials in Moscow to broker a deal.

news anchor, Edwardo Anthony (file photo)

Here’s where signals got crossed:
First, TV news anchor Edwardo Anthony confused the CIS with the local ICS (Institute of Chardonnay Studies) in Wapatusset during his mid-day broadcast. Being a Wapatusset resident himself (and a regular at the Institute), it was an understandable mistake. But this gaffe set the town abuzz, and gossip-mongers started chatting and tweeting away.

Just like an old-fashioned game of “telephone,” the story twisted like a Mobius Strip. Soon the talk was about wife swapping in Wapatusset, with the Institute of Chardonnay Studies as the nexus of activity.

Hooking up with the Joneses

Board members of the Institute quickly called their PR rep to dispel the rumor, and agents from nearby Scrodwell Banker came to their defense as well. “We are so tired of that old Boston Magazine article tarnishing our town,” said Jane Peyton. “Just because we closely resemble a certain town of similar size, geography and demographics does not mean we are that town!"

"For the last time–all this nonsense about car keys and gnomes is pure fiction.”

We’ll leave it at that. Stay tuned for developing news on espionage--and intrigue.

Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?

Wapatusset tennis mom leads double life
as Russian double agent

Name(s):
Olga Osetra, Vladlena Von Stroganoff, Siegfrieda Shtarker, Natasha Fatale*

Aliases:
Muffy Milken, Bebe Boesky

Favorite T.V. show:
Get Smart

Cocktail of choice:
Vodka martini (straight up, two herrings)

*according to multiple passports; currently under investigation

TMG search for most Unpatriotic American uncovers
top-secret surprise!

Fully integrated into suburban life in the upscale seaside community of Wapatusset, this Russian double agent operated well under the radar of government authorities for four years and two months. Tennis mom by day, socialite by night, “Muffy” (as she is known in Wapatusset) was a staple at yacht club parties and art show openings, and sat on the board of directors at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

Days after moving to town from New Jersey in 2006, she cropped her brunette locks, going for a cross between the “Hingham helmet” and “soccer mom bob” styles recommended by local hairdresser Andrei Boris. He then sent her straight to the colorist down the street for a full-head treatment of blonde Formula 02025 to complete the package. 

She took tennis lessons, joined the PTA, and spent hours supervising her landscaping crew as they tended to her manicured lawn and hydrangeas. Last year she even bought a Prius (retrofitted with a V-8 engine and enlarged gas tank). If it weren’t for the hard work of a hard-hitting investigative journalist at TMG, Muffy would still be sipping Chardonnay at her book club and selling secrets on the side.

Gotcha! How the spy was snagged

This past week, while the TMG editorial staff was combing the 50 states for uber-patriots (see “Most Patriotic People in America”) our publisher/design guru was holding down the fort—or so we thought. In his quest to find the most UNpatriotic person in America he scoured every watering hole in Wampatusset (and environs within a 10 mile radius), chatting up strangers and eavesdropping on suspicious conversations, day and night.

Although he encountered a fair amount of liberal-East-Coast-media-elite bias, it was hard to find the radical hard-line Unabomber type he had in mind. This was exhausting investigative work, and although after a 5-night bender his wife kicked him out of the house and forced him to sleep in the shed with the dog, he carried on, in the name of quality journalism and patriotic duty.

Then, one night, when he least expected it, he spotted her. She was sitting at the bar at the Chardonnay Institute, sipping a well chilled vodka martini. The KAOS tattoo on her left shoulder was a dead giveaway. Little did he know he’d find he’d find the most un-patriotic person in the entire country right here in his own home town.

Because the case is under investigation, we cannot divulge the details of the subsequent conversations between TMG, the Wapatusset Police Department, and the FBI at this time. Stay tuned for developing news and interviews.

-- reported by Agent SS