Tiny Mind Gazette

Police BLOG: Post-Blizzard Special Edition

Wapatusset residents proved to be hearty and resourceful New Englanders during last weekend's historic snow storm. But cabin fever quickly swept through the small coastal community as heat and personal hygiene went out the window. While some took off to northern ski cabins, relatives' homes and 5-star hotels, others roughed it out in nearby cafes, desperately seeking warmth, wifi and a bit of "personal space" away from loved ones.

Monday, Feb 11

9:04 a.m. Doe St: Caller reports “homeless person” sleeping in garage. Reports he looks “a bit like Sasquatch... or the Unabomber.” Woman advised to lock garage door and liquor cabinet. 

9:22 a.m Doe St: Officer rouses “homeless person” in garage. Resident discovers it is her husband. Officer lends battery-operated shaver and recommends change of clothes.

11:50 a.m. Harbor Rd Dr: Female calls to request ride to Boston Marriott hotel. Reports preschool children have no one to play with and she has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). 

3:15 p.m. Oak St: Domestic or wild animal incident. 

Tuesday, Feb 12

8:20 a.m. Lily Dr: Report of smoke and sparks inside residence. Woman with smoking blow dryer jerry-rigged to generator. Officer advises woman to towel-dry instead and wear hat. 

2:33 p.m. Fair Isle Ln: Noise complaint. Neighbor calls to report day #2 of screaming children next door. Sounds of “manic wailing." Officer advises parents to swap Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land board games for Apples to Apples instead.

4:10 p.m. Sawyer St: Officer sent to Fox Hill School to investigate skirmish over cell phone charging apparatus at “warming station.” Investigation ongoing.

Wednesday, Feb 13

5:34 p.m. Oak St: Woman calls to inquire about legality of eating roadkill. Claims neighbor has been cooking wild animals ("and possibly rabid raccoons") on gas grill and is afraid to let her pets outside. Says neighbor has "wild look in his eye." Animal control officer dispatched to scene. 

Thursday, Feb 14

7:45 p.m. North Plain St: Well-being check. Power restored but resident still sitting in dark, reading by candlelight. Officer checks light switches and asks if cable and Internet have been restored. Resident confirms but requests "Don’t tell the kids.”

- by crime correspondent Agent SS

TMG salutes all the hard-working Wapatusset town employees and volunteers who helped keep residents safe, secure and somewhat sane during and after the storm. 

Groundhog Day Roadkill Hangover: Wapatusset Walt sees headlights, followed by bright white light

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow yesterday. But local connoisseurs of fine New England roadkill were soon fixated on a different animal instead: Wapatusset Walt, the 250-pound possum, saw his gigantic reflection on the grill of an oncoming powder-blue Prius.

Legend has it that if Walt sees his last reflection on Groundhog's Day, the town will be blessed with a 6-week supply of delicious possum stew at Ye Olde Food Court in the atrium of the Liberty Hall Mini-Mall.

During the Possum Day celebration / memorial service, Tiny Mind Gazette publisher York Benchley (dressed in authentic ceremonial Speedwell Guild dress) scooped out the first ladle of steaming stew, tipped his head back and carelessly poured it down his open throat. Red-faced with a singed mustache, Mr. Benchley immediately spewed a spray of stew over the startled crowd of Possum Day revelers. The (other) high point of the celebration was the rousing YouTube classic, “Five Pound Possum,” blasted on multiple smart phones throughout the food court. Thanks to the recently installed church steeple cell towers, all 53 hand-held devices were able to receive clear and uninterrupted service.

The Speedwell Guild, as well as the Sisters of Sauvignon, will be soliciting bids from local taxidermists in an effort to establish a permanent Wapatusset Walt exhibit in the rotunda of the Town Hall.

Since the unfortunate incident, Mitsy Smitherton LeBoef, operator of the totaled Prius, has lost her enthusiasm for saving Mother Earth and is in now in the market for the largest American-made SUV available.

York Benchley is resting comfortably but is extremely irritated by the little tiny piece of skin that is still dangling from the roof of his extremely sensitive mouth.

5 Pound Possum: Recorded at a bluegrass pickin' near St Augustine, Florida.

–reported by Morton "Scrim" Shaw, deputy animal control officer and special correspondent

Locavore's Dilemma: In Defense of Roadkill

 

Last week’s article “Reconsidering Roadkill: The ultimate local food” sparked a rush of letters to the editor. Although some readers found the subject to be “twisted” and “objectionable,” several found-food enthusiasts came forward to share their stories.

Locavore vignettes

When local resident Doug Heimlich found a headless rabbit on his kitchen floor, he blamed neither Glenn Close nor his German short-haired pointer. Rather, he yelled, “Soup’s on!” and whipped up a savory stew with rodent tail, rabbit, and his favorite cheap jug wine. At dinner, his children fought over the lucky rabbit’s foot at the bottom of the stew pot. “I’d say roadkill is bringing old-fashioned family values back to the dinner table,” he said, wearing a matted coon-skin cap.

School board member Dr. Von Fleece says he’s been meeting with the lunch ladies at Wapatusset Public Schools to see how road kill could be incorporated into the school lunch menu. “Much of this meat is high-protein and low-fat,” he explained, “and would otherwise go to waste. As long as you cook it to an internal temperature of 425 degrees, it should kill most of the bacteria and parasites.” Von Fleece is also coordinating with teachers to see how different species of roadkill could be aligned with the Social Studies curriculum.

Local artist AnneFrances Walton says that although she finds the practice of eating roadkill “revolting,” she does enjoy painting pictures of some of the more grissly specimens. I’d been looking for something to complement my “headless mouse” series, and when everyone started talking about this new locavore movement at my yoga class, I decided to take a closer look. Being a fruitarian, I find it horrifying yet oddly compelling at the same time. It wasn’t until after I finished my latest acrylic triptych (“Tree-Tire-Table”) that I understood the profound influence of DuChamp Marcel.”

Walton's paintings will be on display at next month's Wine and Cheese fundraiser for GROL (Greyote Research and Outreach League) at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies. The menu will feature local roadkill samples expertly paired with domestic wines. Reserve your tickets today!

-- reported by Crime, Food and Education editor Agent SS

Reconsidering Roadkill: the ultimate local food

With the slowing economy, rising food prices, and the push for locally produced foods, a growing number of suburbanites are entertaining the once unthinkable: roadkill as Sunday roast.

Food writer and cookbook magnate Chichester Snimball recently wrote about the merits of cooking with roadside remnants. “Short of shooting wood pigeons in your own family compound, this is about as local as it gets…. Plus, it’s character building. You may not have post-World War II rationing stories to pass on to the next generation, but your children can at least say they were forced to eat a rancid woodchuck or two.”

At least two Wapatusset restaurants are offering fresh roadkill on the menu, and a local catering company plans to feature a variety of local species at the Wine and Cheese fundraiser for GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League) in October.

Local voices

We chatted with folks at last week’s Farmer’s Market about the trend. Here’s what they had to say:

“I’m cutting down on my carbon footprint and my grocery bill at the same time.”

“At Whole Paycheck you pay a fortune for free-range, grass-fed, ethically-treated meat. Roadkill is all of the above. Well, maybe not the ethically-treated bit, but it’s usually a very quick death.”

“My wife says I’m cheap, but I prefer to think of it as old Yankee ingenuity.”

“That is heinous… Does it come in breaded patties?”

Send us your stories

Have you experimented with roadkill recipes? Any tips on foraging for fresh specimens? Send your stories to Food Editor, Tiny Mind Gazette, or leave in the Comments field below. 

-- reported by Crime, Food and Education editor Agent SS