Tiny Mind Gazette

Tiny Mind Gazette Horoscopes for July 2011

By Beau Donie, Seer Extraordinaire, Font of Wisdom and Light, Midnight Avenger
(Guaranteed Accuracy Rate of, or Below 100%)

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for growth, though probably not for you.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: I see a great deal of money coming your way :: a veritable fortune…Oh wait, that’s a Brinks truck. Stay on the curb till they drive past. Count your toes.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Scan the obituaries every day this month. If you see your name, this will not be a good period for you. Spend a lot of time lying down.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: One of your distant relatives will appear soon. Photocopy her driver’s license before letting her use your bathroom. Ask her if Uncle Zed actually built Yellowstone Park like the family legend says.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Good things for this water sign: Little Jimmy’s rash will finally clear up, but I wouldn’t share a milkshake with him. Or even a bus.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Put your diary on eBay. Chances are good that it will not only sell for a good price but you will also find a new use for bleu cheese.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A great month to break old ties and start new ones. Greet strangers on the street, invite them in for lemonade, share your life’s most embarrassing moments, such as greeting strangers on the street because you read it online.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: Look for new avenues of investment this month. We suggest sending lots of unmarked bills to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. It looks like a big payoff for someone whose advice you rely upon.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A tough month for this water sign. Watch your step every morning. Your front step. The brickwork seems a little loose. Probably not as loose as your mother, but still…

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: An excellent month to change something you don’t like about yourself. Get a new hairstyle perhaps. Throw out any piece of your wardrobe with orange. Plunge your face into a roiling vat of french fries.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: It looks like you’ll have to be patient just a little longer. The situation you’re anticipating will resolve in 2022.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: An auspicious month when salad tends to watch people. Be sure to shave daily, be honest in all your dealings, and use extra dressing to keep it distracted.

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss

Church Steeple/Cell Tower Smolders as Citizens Point Fingers

 Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:

#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.

#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.

 

Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.

 

 
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.

 

“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”

 

Hooper (file photo)

Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”

 

Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.

 

McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse

“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”

Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)

A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

Summer Solstice 2010: a special report

Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.

 


Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.

Rev. Pines (file photo)

The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”

He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."

Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.

Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.

 

The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

-- reported by spiritual expert Agent SS

“Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life”: Despite sudden departure, speaker leaves nearly a dozen in stitches

For members of the Wapatusset High School, Class of 2010, there was little surprise to commencement speaker, Coach ‘Stitches’ O’Williams’ forty minute, keynote rant – “Strike Out in Little League, Strike Out in Life.” Former players, spectators and umpires have experienced on-field snippets of this speech during O’Flaherty’s 25-year run as Wapatusset Youth Baseball & Softball League (WYBSL) commissioner, and head baseball coach.

Several audience members, including this reporter, were shocked to see O’Williams surrounded by federal officers, handcuffed, and led away to a nearby fleet of idling government SUVs. This was, immediately before his chaotic diatribe had reached its full crescendo.



O’Williams had just stated a poignant question, extremely significant to his speech, “Choices in Life: Take One For the Team or Charge the Mound?” – when a federal officer (dressed as a weeping grandmother) sprang to his feet from the second row – and yelled, “Get the smarmy little kook!”

“O’Williams was our third choice for commencement speaker,” remarked Wapatusset school committee member, Dr. Grey Von Fleece. “Our first choice was Professor Flagon, of the Center for Chardonnay Studies. Unfortunately, Flagon has recently been fitted with a Lindsay Lohan, designer ankle bracelet, and must maintain a distance of no greater than 300 feet from his apartment,” added Von Fleece.

“We considered moving the ‘Summer Carnival of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers’ tent (where commencement ceremonies were held) closer to Flagon’s residence but with the upcoming performance by ‘Mechanically Separated Chicken,’ (a ‘Canned Canaries’ tribute band, who present an onstage, group impersonation of a ‘Flock of Seagulls’ concert), the logistics did not work in our favor,” stated Roberts Bobb, Summer Carnival (of Tired and Virtually Unknown Performers) director.

“Our second choice was the legendary, Scrim Shaw, director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL), but he is still missing and presumed dead,” added Von Fleece.

“We spent nearly one-third, of last month’s 16-hour, marathon school committee meeting discussing commencement speaker prospects.” “O’Williams has been an important part of the community over the past 30 years and should be credited with his contribution to the explosive growth of youth sports such as soccer and lacrosse,” stated Von Fleece.

Once law enforcement vehicles left the scene, Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower, provided a multi-denominational and non-higher-being-specific, closing prayer.

It was the dive-bombing, mosquito-control, aircraft that caused the stampede of commencement guests and participants – leaving nearly a dozen with minor injuries.



“With all the wet weather, this past spring, we have noticed a considerable increase in the local mosquito population,” stated Wapatusset Insect Control Agent, Gerta Klue.

“As any sixth grade science teacher will tell you, mosquitos are attracted to human CO2 emissions – and when we get a group of 100 or more together, it gives us the opportunity to scorch the little buggers – the mosquitoes, that is!”

“Despite the minor injuries and the shredded carnival tent, we see the recent event as having significant affect in the ongoing 'War on Bugs,' stated Klue.

Congratulations to the Wapatusset Class of 2010! 

Free suitcases and bus tickets are still available. Contact your local Select-person.

HEADLINE News Bombshell: Secret Formula Stolen from Wapatusset Hair Salon

The Wapatusset Police’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit has been actively conducting intensive surveillance operations (ISO) and semi-covert and moderately clandestine investigative activities (SCMCIA), in and around local hair removal and management facilities.


Without the appropriate chemistry local salons will continue to remain empty.

The uptick in police activity is the result of a major burglary at the Salon Follicules Indomptées, (formerly ‘Hair, Hair The Gang’s All Hair’). Late Tuesday night, an individual (and perhaps an accomplice), entered the salon’s rear storage room by tunneling through the building’s foundation from the cordials aisle of the adjacent liquor store, The Village Whiner.

The cash register was left untouched, but a large three-ring binder and several bottles of chemicals have been reported missing.

The Tiny Mind Gazette, has learned that the binder contained the recipe for Formula 02025 and the dozen or so plastic bottles contained the only known premixed bottles of the super-secret solution – known locally as Blonde Ambition or The Blonde Side.

“Imagine if the Colonel’s secret recipe was missing or better yet, if some Commie Russians cracked the Big Mac code for the special sauce!,”stated cosmetologist-in-training and salon assistant manager, Chris Follicle. “I am sure that not even Hairdo-Guru, Paul Mitchell, had to deal with entanglement like this – even on his worst bad hair days."

For a town with a female blonde population that greatly exceeds any Scandinavian country’s per capita statistics– the heist of Wapatusset’s favorite hair dye is not only a severe blow to the local hair care industry but experts fear a severe disruption in the village’s collective positive self-esteem.


Lahmp in 'lighter mood' file photo

“Even in my dreams, I see myself as a blonde. I am not sure if I am capable of going through life as a brunette – or worse yet, a redhead! – OH (long pause) MY (long pause) GOD!,” stated a severely verklempt, Tiffany Lahmp, Reigning Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves and 2008 Miss Wapatusset Water Department, runner-up.

O'Liam says police department remains 'clueless'. file photo

Our own investigative news team was able to reach lead CSI detective, Liam O’Liam, who had this to say – “We need to get to the roots of the problem before someone else dyes.”

Pines, candlelight vigil expert & co-owner of Wapatusset Parrafin Supply Company file photo

An ecumenical candlelight vigil will be held at 7:30pm on Thursday evening at the Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower. The service will be lead by Reverend Torrie Pines, a recovering Toe Head, who has recently allowed himself to go gray.

Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates as we continue to comb for more details.

Town Awakens to Bacon Fleeing

Most of Wapatusset was awoken early Sunday morning by a reverse-911 call from Police Department, dispatcher (and former head of the CSI unit) Liam O’Liam – warning of a dangerous fugitive that had escaped police custody, tumbled down a stairwell with a startled officer, spilled coffee and donuts everywhere – and then ran into the woods.


O'Liam (file photo)

Reverend Torrie Pines of the Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church was forced to cancel morning services as most of his congregation remained huddled in their locked abodes – awaiting further word from Officer O’Liam. The town’s population of Labradoodles, Yorkipoos, Pomapoos, and other designer dogs were left in their crates as regularly scheduled weekend walks were postponed.

Pines (file photo)

The escaped suspect, who was finally captured in the late afternoon – following a 5 mile run, a 2.5 mile swim across Tiny Harbor and a 7 mile high-speed chase on a lavendar unicycle (apparently borrowed from the police station’s lost & found department) – was none other than Kevin Bacon-double, Wolfe Chittister.

Splints (file photo)

“Unfortunately, a unicycle is not recognized as a viable vehicle for our town’s triathlon,” remarked middle school gym teacher and triathlon coordinator, Slim Splints. “With the proper equipment the outcome of Wolfe’s now impending trial – I see Mr. Chittister as a potential finalist in this year’s town event.” “At least in the Freestyle or Whacked-Out Fugitive Division of the contest,” added Mr. Splints.

Interviewed later in his holding cell, Mr. Chittister explained his version of the morning shenanigans (a word that we longed to use on March 17 –but frankly couldn’t find the right sentence structure in which to place it).

It seems as though, the 65º+ f temperatures forced Mr. Chittister to rethink his black designer turtleneck that he had been wearing continuously since November 9. It was upon removing his turtleneck and a following quick lavatory mirror facial scan – that Mr. Chittister noticed the quite prominent “CJ” tattoo now present on his neck.

“How in the HELL did this get here?” screamed a startled Chittister. “I have a job interview on Monday at the Rockaway Savings Bank!” “What kind of company is going to hire a loser with a neck tattoo!” Witnesses claim that this is when the wannabe Bacon ‘lost it.’

We all know that some pretty weird things happen during the long Wapatusset winter months and a mysterious neck tattoo is not the worst story that we have heard. Thankfully, Mr. Chittister is safely behind bars – writing his memoirs and wondering what the ‘CJ’ stands for. Criminal Justice, perhaps? We’ll have to wait and see.

Please be safe, keep your doors locked – and ‘think before you ink’.

Cell Towers In Steeples: Uglier Than Expected

architectural rendering of proposed cell tower/steeple

In cellular phone terms Wapatusset is in the proverbial DEAD ZONE. Residents might as well take their mobile electronics and skip them across Spritzing Rock Pond, counting how many times they hop – prior to smashing on the hard concrete pavement. You might as well carry a boat anchor around in your pocket. There is NO service.

To the youth of our fair town, this permanent state severely handicaps daily communication. “My texts just don’t go through,” stated 13 year-old Brittany Phipps of Boulder Street. “Taunting, provoking and demoralizing my peers through mobile Facebook has crippled my rise to ultimate power and popularity,” she quickly added.

To realtors, it is kept as a deep dark secret. “We make every attempt to accentuate the positive,” quips C. Hurmley Smythe, third generation realtor and president of Smythe & Spleen. “Wapatusset has the Center for Chardonnay Studies, the East Coast Yoga & Pilates Hall of Fame, the Independence Hall Mini-Mall and the headquarters for the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League (GROL) – but many sure sales turn to misses, when a perspective buyer attempts to make a cell phone call.”

Pines (file photo)

This is where the Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church entered the scene. Rev. Pines a former V-Mobile executive in charge of cellular signal delivery, developed a plan to turn the (slightly leaning and difficult to maintain) spire of the XUUC Church into a cellular tower – with construction expenses picked up by V-Mobile in exchange for exclusive tower usage, and church naming rights.

The project was quickly sailing through the many town offices, committees, and boards – until Tuesday night when the “Good Ship Torrie-pop” struck an iceberg of titanic proportions. It was R. Cleaves Speakes, chairman of the Historical Preservation Society who threw out the first stone.

“That is the ugliest thing that I have ever see,” remarked a sneering Mr. Seakes, as members of the V-Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church youth choir, circled the boardroom, clasping architectural renderings of the soon to be re-topped temple.

“To go through with this plan would be to ruin a perfectly good church!” –remarked hysterical board member Shirley Stemple-Frack. Following a deluge of negative remarks and grumbling rants, Rev. Pines and company, packed up the plans and quickly exited the building.

The group will reassemble again next month for another round. For now, continue to love your land line. Someday soon, Wapatusset will enjoy a cellular dawn.

Waputasset (formerly TinyTown) Annexed by Telecommunications Services Provider, V-Mobile.

Waputasset’s bored selectman were reportedly engaged in a 12-hour, “Call of Duty,” video game marathon, against bitter rivals, the Speedwell Guild* – when upstart telecommunications services provider, V-Mobile swept in and stole the “keys” to town hall.

Apparently, the V-Mobile Group Inc., frustrated over local cell tower regulations and the resulting spotty cell phone coverage, made a decision late last week to annex the Town of Waputasset, by toppling the local government.

“It was the steeples that they wanted,” insists TMG IT department head, Brant Grant (left). “The spires of the two town common churches offer perfect locations for well-concealed, as well as, aesthetically appealing cellular antennas.”

Additionally, under their current military rule, V-Mobile has forced the two other competing telecommunications service providers, to pack up there super-slick marketing tents and leave town.

 “We are very much relieved,” stated town citizen, Sohier Wentworth. “Having to choose between the new challenger, Verizon FiOS, and the once, only-game-in-town, Comcast was way too difficult and stressful. Thankfully, the choice has been made for us – we will all be signed up with the new V-Mobile, Luvix product.”**

More updates will be posted as additional information becomes available.

*Not to be confused with the Creepy Pilgrim dudes who live in the woods.
**Not to be confused with the anti-depressant medication with a similar name.