Tiny Mind Gazette

Police BLOG: Post-Blizzard Special Edition

Wapatusset residents proved to be hearty and resourceful New Englanders during last weekend's historic snow storm. But cabin fever quickly swept through the small coastal community as heat and personal hygiene went out the window. While some took off to northern ski cabins, relatives' homes and 5-star hotels, others roughed it out in nearby cafes, desperately seeking warmth, wifi and a bit of "personal space" away from loved ones.

Monday, Feb 11

9:04 a.m. Doe St: Caller reports “homeless person” sleeping in garage. Reports he looks “a bit like Sasquatch... or the Unabomber.” Woman advised to lock garage door and liquor cabinet. 

9:22 a.m Doe St: Officer rouses “homeless person” in garage. Resident discovers it is her husband. Officer lends battery-operated shaver and recommends change of clothes.

11:50 a.m. Harbor Rd Dr: Female calls to request ride to Boston Marriott hotel. Reports preschool children have no one to play with and she has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). 

3:15 p.m. Oak St: Domestic or wild animal incident. 

Tuesday, Feb 12

8:20 a.m. Lily Dr: Report of smoke and sparks inside residence. Woman with smoking blow dryer jerry-rigged to generator. Officer advises woman to towel-dry instead and wear hat. 

2:33 p.m. Fair Isle Ln: Noise complaint. Neighbor calls to report day #2 of screaming children next door. Sounds of “manic wailing." Officer advises parents to swap Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land board games for Apples to Apples instead.

4:10 p.m. Sawyer St: Officer sent to Fox Hill School to investigate skirmish over cell phone charging apparatus at “warming station.” Investigation ongoing.

Wednesday, Feb 13

5:34 p.m. Oak St: Woman calls to inquire about legality of eating roadkill. Claims neighbor has been cooking wild animals ("and possibly rabid raccoons") on gas grill and is afraid to let her pets outside. Says neighbor has "wild look in his eye." Animal control officer dispatched to scene. 

Thursday, Feb 14

7:45 p.m. North Plain St: Well-being check. Power restored but resident still sitting in dark, reading by candlelight. Officer checks light switches and asks if cable and Internet have been restored. Resident confirms but requests "Don’t tell the kids.”

- by crime correspondent Agent SS

TMG salutes all the hard-working Wapatusset town employees and volunteers who helped keep residents safe, secure and somewhat sane during and after the storm. 

Irish Riviera Pub Brawl Postpones Annual Columbus Day Parade

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

This has been an unfortunate year for parades in Wapatusset. After last spring's debacle (see "St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed Over Potato-Throwing Protest March" and continued controversy over the MLK Day Diversity Parade, the town has agreed to form a citizen's commission to plan upcoming public celebrations. All interested should respond in the Comments section below.

Vonco XTreme Dizaster® Suit and Armor

These days, one never knows when an earthquake, hailstorm, hurricane, meteorite or swarm of locusts could hit your neighborhood. Now there’s a comfortable, semi-breathable, partially waterproof suit you can don any day of the year, “just in case”…

Vonco XTreme Dizaster® Suit and Armor

add-on Hurricane Windshield /Visor/ Hair Net and Earthquake Shock-Absorber Platform Shoes sold separately

 Vonco, the makers of the best-selling “Happy Helmet” lightbox and the iSpa®Z mobile cooling device have launched a new line of XTreme weather and natural disaster gear. Popular items include: 

Zip-up All-Weather Parachute Suit 

• Manufactured in China from cheap rain ponchos discarded at sporting events, used fire blankets and an unknown adhesive.
• Product comes with handy food storage pouch and a six-week supply of Pillsbury Space Food Sticks.

Earthquake Shock-Absorber Platform Shoes 

• Style ripped off from the fashionable Famolare 4-wave heel designed of the 1970s.
• Seismic building technology developed by unpaid interns studying Internet diagrams. 

Shock aborber "wave" technology able to withstand shaking amplitude of 3.1. *Remember, in a declared state of emergency, follow instructions from government officials.
In all other instances, follow TMG instead.

- by Technology, Fashion and Crime correspondent, S. Sisson

Wapatusset’s Smallgreens prepares for onslaught of overheated, short-tempered and extremely sweaty concert-goers

With local temperatures approaching the 100º mark and the Middle School Spring Concert scheduled for this evening, Smallgreens Pharmacy is prepared for the worst. The Wapatusset police department received more than a few calls from disgruntled residents, who live in close proximity to the tchotchke filled, Muzak squawking, cookie-cutter chain store, complaining about the onslaught of tractor-trailer trucks delivering merchandise throughout the night.

Assistant store manager and customer-facing display inventory coordinator* Sully Rodriguez remarked: “When we learned that this year’s concert would be conducted under an H3 Alert,** we quickly sent an emergency request to HQ, requesting multiple shipments of personal fans, hand-held portable body misters, industrial-strength body spray, time-released antiperspirant, smelling salts, and extra-strength headache remedies.”

“Our pharmacy has stocked up on ACE Inhibitors, Beta Blockers and ALL forms of high blood pressure medicines.*** We have prepared for the worst!”

As a refresher, read about last year’s concert in our sister city of Winnetuxet, Wisconsin:
Record Nearly Shattered: World’s Longest School Concert

*One who stocks shelves
**Hazy, Hot, Humid
***Side effects may include: Fainting, slow or irregular heartbeat, fever and swollen ankles or feet

Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss

From the TMG Archives: A couple of Spring flooding features

As the Wapatusset rains continue to fall, we sent one of unpaid interns into the archives to find any Spring flood related articles. Here are a couple of our favorites:

Aquajeep Sinks, Trousers Drop, Greyotes Rumble,
Partiers Seek Higher Ground: It's the Police BLOG
click here

Octogenarian Daredevil Stalls in Third Cross-Causeway Attempt
click here

It's Crazy Driver Friday!

It's the end of the work week; a time for those inconsiderate strangers to use up their rollover minutes in the hammer lane, the mall parking lot, and even through three red lights just to keep you on your driving toes. A time to use those defensive driver skills you learned with Mr. Hamm in 10th grade Driver's Ed.

Thoughtless drivers don't need a season to celebrate their blessing on humanity. Here are some thoughtful gifts for the aggressive driver who has everything:

1. Turn Signal Kit: Easily installed in those BMWs, Mercedes, and twelve-ton meat trucks that obviously forgot to buy the turn signal kit with their initial vehicle purchase.

2. Mental Turn Signal Transmitter: For those amazing Kreskins of the highway who nudge over into your lane without warning and assume you saw their wheels slinking to the left. The microcomputer on this skull-tight skullcap reads the driver's intentions and signals for them.

3. Merge App for the GPS: Announces that a turn signal would be nice instead of riding the shoulder when racing along in the merge lane to pass others who thoughtfully got into the other lane two miles prior to the merge.

4. Laser-Guided Following Distance Measuring Tool: Calibrated to the proper stopping distance; activates an air-raid-quality horn inside car to remind driver that stopping on a "dime," not stopping "within a dime's distance," is the rule of thumb.

5. Motion-Activated Jesus on the Dash: Detects distraction due to driver cell phone usage or heads turned to discuss the latest sales at Dollar Tree with the passenger and announces "Eyes on the road, my child!"

6. Time Out Driving Mentor: Keeps track of non-use of turn signals, tailgating, and "California stops." After three violations, gently guides the culprit's car to the road shoulder for a ten minute "time out."

7. Red Light/Right Turn/Wait Windshield Flag: This spring-loaded beauty pops up to cover the aggressive driver's windshield when he/she attempts to turn right on red and cut off other cars traveling through green lights in cross-traffic.

And while you're at it, buy a couple of nifty sympathy gifts for yourself!

The rear mounted horn, for that aggressive driver who is following too close.

Fluorescent obscenity signs in ten different languages. Perfect for Grandma and the kids to hold up in the back seat. No need to keep them out of the fun.

Law of Gross Tonnage Magnets for the side of your car. They're stylish. They're fun! ...and they let everyone know that "He who has the biggest vehicle goes first!"

–The Mysterious Dr. F.

300 Rotisserie Chickens Vanish, Baffling Scientists & Police (Dead Bird Scare #2)

Pesticides, Fracking… or Fowl Play??

First it was Red-winged Blackbirds in Arkansas, then came dead cows in Wisconsin. In Wapatusset, Massachusetts this past week, the talk has been all about chickens. 

 More than 300 rotisserie chickens have mysteriously vanished in the last three weeks. Managers of several superstores have reported the disappearance of roast chickens (in bullet-proof plastic boxes) at an alarming rate, especially with the recent frigid temperatures.

Wind turbines… or worse?

Local volunteers from the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute (who normally investigate marine life but always like a challenge) have been on the case, taking samples from other rotisserie chickens and examining environmental conditions. Townspeople have come up with several interesting hypotheses of their own, naming culprits such as: hungry Greyotes, “fracking” caused by ledge blasting for residential dream homes, and high-frequency vibrations caused by Invisiblines wind turbines.

However, police finally think they have a positive lead. Surveillance camera footage from supermarkets is fuzzy but seems to show a mysterious bow-legged, kilted figure leaving the stores right after the birds have gone missing.

Kilted chicken rustler strikes again!

Wapatusset Police Chief Liam O'Liam (left) opined that it could be that ever-elusive Scottish roast-chicken rustler Ian “Farmer John” MacDonald, who was arrested for pilfering roasted poultry from Henhouse Markets in the 90’s. He was recently released from “the pen” and was just seen in Northern Virginia admiring carousels of freshly roasted birds.

MacDonald is known for wearing a kilt and carrying a Scottish dagger in his left sock.  Another clue that it may be this master of the “Go and Carve” is the trail of carcasses and plastic containers left from the shopping cart racks to the worn trails leading from the edges of the strip malls.

Blame it on the haggis

MacDonald, 1983 (pictured on left)

A former neighbor said MacDonald once told him, “If I could find a decent haggis anywhere in this bloody country, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

MacDonald's M.O. is to load up the football-sized containers of roasters—one, two or even three at a time—under his kilt, between his knees, and shuffle bow-legged out of the store. The amount taken in each visit seems to increase with the decrease in outdoor temperature. Liam O'Liam speculated that the thief may be using the pilfered poultry for a dual purpose: “warmth and nourishment.”

Citizens of Wapatusset are asked to report any sightings of a bow-legged kilted gentleman, who smells like roast chicken, to Wapatusset Crimestoppers. Leave any leads in the Comments section below.

See also: Dead Bird Scare #1: Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach.  

– reported by the mysterious Dr. F with the assistance of unpaid interns and Crimestopper vigilantes

Breaking News: Mafia bust south of Boston?

Police BLOG: Special Report

Just one day after the “biggest mafia bust in FBI history,” police in Wapatusset, a small suburb south of Boston, rounded up eleven alleged mobsters after an exhaustive six-month covert sting op dubbed “Project Sub Shop.” 

O'Liam (hacked file photo)
According to Wapatusset chief of police Liam O’Liam, officers had been casing local Keno machines, pizza joints, donut drive-thrus and sub shops, conducting sophisticated surveillance with equipment obtained during their recent equipment upgrade (enabled by special town override).

Because the suspects were so overweight, O’Liam said it was not hard to nab them. Because most were in their 80s and 90s, they could not remember the crimes they committed. Lined up with wrists in handcuffs and bellies bulging over their polyester slacks, the men caused quite a spectacle in the parking lot of “House of Calzone” on Route 3B. 

"Fatso," "Meathead," "Tony Cannoli," "Veal Parm," "Stumpy," "Dumpy," "Dino the Donut," "Stuffed Shell," "Pasta Fazool," "Hot Gabigole," and "Fried Dough" are all in custody at the Wapatusset Police Department until further notice. 

Already facing accusations of ethnic stereotyping, the police department could not be reached for further comment at this time. Reports of a similar investigation involving pubs in the neighboring "Irish Riviera" community have not been confirmed. 

Stay tuned to details as they unfold.

Blizzard Preparation Strategy: 10 Simple Tips That May Help Determine Your Survival

1. Hide Toto

2. Cut down the Duraflame® tree. Separate into 14"-18" pieces. Wrap in colorful paper.

3. Break out Lil' Miss Williamsburg™  colonial candle-making kit. Carefully follow ye olde instructions. Maximize Candle Production Output (CPO).

4. Clear grocery store shelves by hoarding gallons of water, toilet paper, D batteries, Sterno® and cocktail wieners.

5. Fill bathtub with gin. Add ice. Garnish rimmed glasses with (scurvy preventing) tropical fruit.

6. Replace air in car tires with helium.

7. Neighborhood's dark. "Loot-topia" baby!

 

8. Free the pets! (while singing theme to "Born Free")

9. Mapquest* nearest armory.

10. Develop means to tap into neighbor's generator (and do so).

*term used as verb in this context