Tiny Mind Gazette

Police BLOG: Post-Blizzard Special Edition

Wapatusset residents proved to be hearty and resourceful New Englanders during last weekend's historic snow storm. But cabin fever quickly swept through the small coastal community as heat and personal hygiene went out the window. While some took off to northern ski cabins, relatives' homes and 5-star hotels, others roughed it out in nearby cafes, desperately seeking warmth, wifi and a bit of "personal space" away from loved ones.

Monday, Feb 11

9:04 a.m. Doe St: Caller reports “homeless person” sleeping in garage. Reports he looks “a bit like Sasquatch... or the Unabomber.” Woman advised to lock garage door and liquor cabinet. 

9:22 a.m Doe St: Officer rouses “homeless person” in garage. Resident discovers it is her husband. Officer lends battery-operated shaver and recommends change of clothes.

11:50 a.m. Harbor Rd Dr: Female calls to request ride to Boston Marriott hotel. Reports preschool children have no one to play with and she has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). 

3:15 p.m. Oak St: Domestic or wild animal incident. 

Tuesday, Feb 12

8:20 a.m. Lily Dr: Report of smoke and sparks inside residence. Woman with smoking blow dryer jerry-rigged to generator. Officer advises woman to towel-dry instead and wear hat. 

2:33 p.m. Fair Isle Ln: Noise complaint. Neighbor calls to report day #2 of screaming children next door. Sounds of “manic wailing." Officer advises parents to swap Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land board games for Apples to Apples instead.

4:10 p.m. Sawyer St: Officer sent to Fox Hill School to investigate skirmish over cell phone charging apparatus at “warming station.” Investigation ongoing.

Wednesday, Feb 13

5:34 p.m. Oak St: Woman calls to inquire about legality of eating roadkill. Claims neighbor has been cooking wild animals ("and possibly rabid raccoons") on gas grill and is afraid to let her pets outside. Says neighbor has "wild look in his eye." Animal control officer dispatched to scene. 

Thursday, Feb 14

7:45 p.m. North Plain St: Well-being check. Power restored but resident still sitting in dark, reading by candlelight. Officer checks light switches and asks if cable and Internet have been restored. Resident confirms but requests "Don’t tell the kids.”

- by crime correspondent Agent SS

TMG salutes all the hard-working Wapatusset town employees and volunteers who helped keep residents safe, secure and somewhat sane during and after the storm. 

Middle-aged man, naked, busted at middle school

A naked 42-year-old Massachusetts man was apprehended when he attempted to enter the Wapatusset Middle School at 7:48 a.m. on Wednesday, the second day of school. Witnesses say he was banging on the locked door and yelling into the intercom. “He kept repeating something about forgetting his French homework and his locker combination. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying,” said the school secretary.

Man's "worst nightmare" realized.

Police chief Liam O’Liam (above) said the man was released after his wife [name withheld by request] posted bail. The wife declined to be interviewed but said she thought her husband, an executive at a Boston business firm [name withheld by request], "might have taken an extra Ambien" the night before.

“Oh God,” he said to officers. “I thought this was a dream!”

- Agent SS. Stay tuned for updates in next week's Police BLOG.

More back-to-school stories:

Parent Receives Saturday Detention at WMS (Wapatusset Middle School)

Seersucker overload, Gull culled by Choo shoe, O.O.T.R.R.: It's the Police BLOG!

Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.

7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]

7/17, 6:20pm – Caterer suffers multiple seizures after serving hors d'oeuvres to elderly men wearing multiple patterns of plaid seersucker pants. According to paramedics, victim (from Midwest) had no prior experience with this visual phenomenon.

7/21, 12:10am – Crowd dispersed after complaints of loud noise Wapatusset Harbor parking lot. Surveying evidence (generic brand potato chip bag and crushed cans of Schlitz), police chief Liam O’Liam blames “out-of-town riff-raff.”

- report by crime, fashion and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

Police BLOG: Townie Wars and Dueling Lawnmowers

5/21, 10:20 a.m. – Officers called to scene to break up wrestling match between two middle-aged males in cul-de-sac. According to witnesses, Neighbor A had been taunting Neighbor B for two days about his expensive LawnBott battery-powered robotic lawnmower, calling him a “lazy yuppie.”

Neighbor B had objected to noise and exhaust from Neighbor A’s 30-year-old push mower with smoking Briggs and Stratton engine and rusted muffler, calling him a “redneck townie.” Shouting match quickly escalated to skirmish and then to "freestyle wrestling."

Police cars rushed to the scene but were blocked by seven commercial landscape trucks flanking side street. By the time they reached the men, one had a bloody nose and torn polo shirt; the other suffered from mild abrasions and “extreme heartburn.”

Both men were cited for disturbing the peace. This is the second offense for both in the past two years (see “Snow Blower Rage”). Townie previously cited for incident at Red Ly'in Inn. 

- Reported by Agent SS

From the TMG Archives: A couple of Spring flooding features

As the Wapatusset rains continue to fall, we sent one of unpaid interns into the archives to find any Spring flood related articles. Here are a couple of our favorites:

Aquajeep Sinks, Trousers Drop, Greyotes Rumble,
Partiers Seek Higher Ground: It's the Police BLOG
click here

Octogenarian Daredevil Stalls in Third Cross-Causeway Attempt
click here

St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed over Potato-Throwing and Protest March

Police chief Liam O’Liam decided yesterday to postpone Wapatusset’s annual St. Patty’s Day Parade due to threats of protests from multiple groups.

Representatives from two local union chapters and a busload of college students from Citizens Against Ethnic Stereotypes arrived yesterday and set up camp on the town green to paint signs. The tone remained civil until Wapatusset’s notorious Crazy Old Guy pulled up in his jalopy and began throwing potatoes at the protestors. Bewildered protestors did not fire back, but police did want to take any chances.

“I just don’t want Wapatusset to turn into another Wisconsin,” said the chief.
“And for the last time, we are not perpetuating any stereotypes here. It’s all good fun.”

The police department’s Dunkin’ Donuts paddy wagon float had already been decorated and community volunteers were already halfway through the keg of green beer when the announcement was made.

The Tater Tot Queen Pageant has been postponed indefinitely as well; stay tuned for details.

- reported by crime and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

Breaking News: Mafia bust south of Boston?

Police BLOG: Special Report

Just one day after the “biggest mafia bust in FBI history,” police in Wapatusset, a small suburb south of Boston, rounded up eleven alleged mobsters after an exhaustive six-month covert sting op dubbed “Project Sub Shop.” 

O'Liam (hacked file photo)
According to Wapatusset chief of police Liam O’Liam, officers had been casing local Keno machines, pizza joints, donut drive-thrus and sub shops, conducting sophisticated surveillance with equipment obtained during their recent equipment upgrade (enabled by special town override).

Because the suspects were so overweight, O’Liam said it was not hard to nab them. Because most were in their 80s and 90s, they could not remember the crimes they committed. Lined up with wrists in handcuffs and bellies bulging over their polyester slacks, the men caused quite a spectacle in the parking lot of “House of Calzone” on Route 3B. 

"Fatso," "Meathead," "Tony Cannoli," "Veal Parm," "Stumpy," "Dumpy," "Dino the Donut," "Stuffed Shell," "Pasta Fazool," "Hot Gabigole," and "Fried Dough" are all in custody at the Wapatusset Police Department until further notice. 

Already facing accusations of ethnic stereotyping, the police department could not be reached for further comment at this time. Reports of a similar investigation involving pubs in the neighboring "Irish Riviera" community have not been confirmed. 

Stay tuned to details as they unfold.

Police BLOG Re-runs: TMG Anniversary Special (part 3)

A year of petty crime, conspiracy and confusion on the mean streets of Waptusset.

Check out the TMG Police Blog. click here!

In case you missed these:

TMG Anniversary Special (part 1)

TMG Anniversary Special (part 2)

CSI Missing People Reports: TMG Anniversary Special (part 2)

Multiple Scrim Shaw Sightings as Manhunt Continues

Scrim Shaw (file photo)

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/06/multiple-scrim-shaw-sightings-reported-as-extensive-manhunt-continues.html

Manhunt Forces Overdue Changes in Police Department

Liam O'Liam (file photo)

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/03/last-weekends-manhunt-forces-overdue-changes-in-police-department.html

TMG Anniversary Special (part 1)

Police BLOG: Greyote attacks south of Boston; Parker Posey lookalike treated for injuries

Snack attack

Oct 10 -- Greyote accused of biting Parker Posey body-double on independent-film set in Wapatusset village. Police and ambulance called to scene. Minor injuries; no broken skin. Animal rights activist calls it a “misunderstanding” due to mismarked bag from local deli. (Greyote hunting for buffalo chicken upset to find tofu-tabouleh wrap.) Animal may or may not be member of pack involved in dumpster diving/police trousers incident behind bagel shop. Matter under investigation; details to follow.

Old guy gets his gourd

Oct 13 -- Crazy old guy accused of throwing gourds at cars. Two previous counts of throwing crab apples at cars. Man resisted arrest, calling the vegetables “ridiculous” and “pointless.” Police suggested he redirect his anger towards squirrels.

Mazed and confused 

Oct 14 -- Woman calls to report friend missing in corn maze. Says he accompanied her family on day trip but got lost and never returned. Glenn Denver, 34, owner of Sweat Lodge Massage in Wapatusset village (no permanent residence listed), was located after a 3-hour K-9 search and returned to his friend’s barn.

- reported by Agent SS