Tiny Mind Gazette

It’s Time to Put the “Control” Back in Animal Control!

Please allow me to thank all of the concerned citizens of Wapatusset who have stepped forward, encouraging me to throw my well-worn and tattered hat into the local no-holds-barred political wrestling ring. At this moment in time, following excruciating thought and only partially divisive deliberation, Morton Scrim Shaw has officially entered the race for Wapatusset Animal Control Officer.

To this elected position, I bring forth the following experience:

• former government agent
• movie stunt stand-in for renowned actor Stephen Segal (in Hard to Kill, Under Seige, and briefly in Fire Down Below)
• former witness protection program candidate
• NASA intern
• cross-dressing roller derby star (during stint as unpaid gonzo journalist for Rolling Stone)
• seasonal Hickory Farms cheese-sample attendant
• director of the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League

I have elected to move my career into new and unchartered territory—giving back to the community (for a modest salary and above-average medical benefits).

My current platform involves the following key points. As my campaign continues to evolve and fester, I will surely provide a sharper lens and more focused thought.

Critical Issues

Sasquatch:
Since the founding of Wapatusset in the early 1600s, rumors have circulated about a half-human/half-beast that has roamed this hamlet’s nearby forests. Some refer to him as a Sasquatch, others Bigfoot—and to younger generations, “that whacked out hippie dude that lives in a tree.”

As director of the Office of Animal Control, I promise to capture this creature, bringing an end to centuries of fearful curiosity and irregular tourism. Imagine the tourist dollars that a caged Yeti will bring to our cash-strapped town: customized “Monster of Wapatusset” t-shirts, coffee mugs, earth-friendly water bottles, and magnetic mini-van decals.

(Don Wingood of Wingood Graphics, I am counting on at least one of your votes.) 

All-Pet Licensing:
As a new revenue source, and as an effort to combat the injustice that lingers in terms of household pet ownership, my office and my appointed Animal Control Cabinet will institute a town-wide licensing program for all non-canine pets.

For an over-extended period of time, dogs have borne the unfair brunt of Wapatusset’s pet licensing requirements. Owners of cats, domesticated rodents, reptiles, fish and large poisonous spiders have been unfairly exempt from paying licensing fees.

Sure, it is nearly impossible to fit a collar around a neck-less fish. However, my exploratory team is looking into color-coded, adhesive licenses that may be applied to the exterior of fish tanks. Licensing fees will be determined by the number of (live) inhabitants within each water-filled tank. For the office waiting rooms of doctors, Chinese restaurants, and grocery stores,* there will be an additional surcharge for aquariums receiving significantly greater daily viewership.

Similar research is currently being conducted for the licensing of snakes and large poisonous insects, where a traditional pet collar/license is not feasible.

“Paris Hilton” Purse Dogs:
Yes, yes. I have received several complaints about these creatures (and their owners).
Apparently I am not the only one creeped out by the blonde Wapatusset cougars who insist on carrying around their unusually coiffed, rodent-like purse dogs. (From a purely visual standpoint, I’d say they are actually closer to a marsh rat than to man’s best friend.) However, I am thinking that perhaps we should not do a thing about them. As my dearly departed mother used to say, “If you ignore them they will just go away.”

While on the topic of demented furry creatures, my office is instituting a campaign that will hopefully make individuals more aware of diseased wild animals. Check out this for a bumper sticker: “If it Foams, Let it Roam!”

(Mr. Wingood, here is another business opportunity—if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.)

I had a fifth point but with lunchtime approaching, I’ll get to that one later. I am Morton “Scrim” Shaw, and I want to be YOUR Animal Control Officer!

*For grocery stores where tank inhabitants are sold for human ingestion (i.e. lobsters), temporary licenses will be made available on an as-needed basis.

50 Halloween Costumes Screaming for HELP!

The definitive list from the tiny-minded editors of TMG:

1. Pregnant Girl Scout
   
2. Tiger Woods as Boy Scout
3. Ted Haggard as Boy Scout leader
4. Santa with ankle bracelet
   
5. Lindsay Lohan with ankle bracelet
6. Hobo (politically incorrect)
7. Flasher (illegal)
8. Gypsy
9. Cher dressed as Gypsy
10. Cher dressed as tramp
    
11. Ghost
12. Ghost of Patrick Swayze
13. Ghost of Gary Coleman
14. Ghost of Caspar Weinberger (the friendly Secretary of Defense)
    
15. Lady Gaga in meat dress (Greyote alert)
    
16. A-Rod without his lip gloss
17. Glee cast in GQ cover outfits
    
18. Clark Rockefeller
19. Christian Gerhartsreiter
20. Mad Christian Scientist
21. Rabbi Mel Gibson
22. Village People
23. Spice Girls
24. Old Spice Dude
25. Cheech and Chong
26. Adam and Eve
27. Edie and Steve
28. Gary Busey with fake Oscar
29. Sarah Palin with fake high school diploma
30. Chuck Berry with toilet plunger
31. Brett Favre with cell phone
32. Nick Nolte with booze bottle
33. David Hasselhoff with cheeseburger
34. Snooki with beer bong
35. Rip Torn waving gun
36. Dick Cheney in hunting gear
37. Jimmy “The Rent is Too Damn High” McMillan
38. Randy Quaid as Canadian Mountie
39. Florence Henderson with Wesson oil
40. Florence Henderson with Greg Brady
41. Donnie and Marie
42. Salt and Pepper
43. Salt-N-Pepa
44. Assault & Battery
45. Charlie Sheen with cheerleader
46. Pregnant cheerleader
    
47. Heidi Montag as Bride of Frankenstein
48. Michael Jackson’s favorite chimp, Bubbles
    
49. “Boy in the Bubble”
50. "Balloon Boy" floating into thin air...

But wait! There's more!

TMG-inspired costumes:

1. Scrim Shaw
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Chief Liam O’Liam
   
   
3. Nan Flanders
4. Member of the Speedwell Guild
5. Pilgrim (gone wild)
6. Crazy Old Man
7. Greyote
8. Greyote disguised as grandmother
9. Carpetbagger (also see: “Johnny Come Lately”)
10. Village People (Townies)

Note: Tiny minds running on empty this month.
Post your own clever ideas in the Comments bar below and we'll keep our list growing.
Happy Halloween! 

 

From Mega-Mansion to Casino Royale?

Seems like there’s a new rumor swirling around Wapatusset each week about the $66 million compound up for grabs at the Cove. Last week we reported that a celebrity movie-star couple with six kids was eyeing the grounds to build an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

This week the buzz is all about gambling. Owners of a mega casino complex in New Jersey are said to be brewing plans for an exclusive seaside gambling and entertainment resort with action-packed gaming options, all-you-can-eat buffets, shopping and nightlife galore!

Reactions from residents have been mixed. “The old-money oil barons must be rolling in their graves,” said Midge Higgins, chair of the Hysterical Society. “This will give the nitwits and naysayers their just desserts,” said old timer Nod Clogsworth, though he declined to elaborate.

“This is exactly the kind of buzz this sleepy town needs,” said Cynthia Smith, real estate agent and newcomer. “Women in Wapatusset and surrounding communities need more full-service spa options. And many of the men who work in finance really miss the thrill of high-stakes trading. Financial regulation has got them down in the dumps, and this could be just the adrenaline boost they need!”

Meanwhile, another rumor has it that members of a long-forgotten Pilgrim tribe (see “Creepy Pilgrim Dudes") are plotting to lay claim to the land around the Cove. This is the same group that was trespassing at the Crook Estate (see “Pilgrims Gone Wild”).

They private group is planning a closed-door meeting at the Speedwell Guild lodge. Miles Broadbrush, current leader of the Speedwell Guild, is also a voting member of the Wapatusset Zoning Board, which could spell a conflict of interest. He was not available for comment.

Reported by Agent SS

Temperatures Rise as Hibernators Thaw: PoliceBLOG

 

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Several consecutive days of 50º weather lured townspeople and strange animals out of hibernation. It also brought an upswelling of anti-train sentiment, as residents worried about "carpetbaggers" and "good-for-nothings" coming to the quaint village to cause trouble.

Caller reported “hobo” walking near train tracks. Described man as unshaven and carrying a “loot bag.” Woman said he’d “probably come in from the city on the commuter rail, looking to steal hi-fis.”

Man called to say he’d seen several “strangers” walking along Main Street in the past two days. Described one as a “fraudster” and a “vagabond” and said he’d heard that these types were going door to door, selling magazines and Ponzi schemes.

Elderly woman reported “peculiar dog-like animal” had broken into her sun-room and was lying on chaise lounge sipping sherry and snacking on Chex Mix. “He devoured the bowl but apparently did not care for the pretzel bits.” Animal control officer said this sounded like a familiar Greyote predilection and advised woman to keep her snack cupboard and windows locked during warm weather.

 

 Salvatore Bono & Cherilyn Sarkisian (file photo)

Drunk man called to say he'd just seen Sonny Bono try to break into his basement fridge, then told dispatcher to "nevermind."

Casual Friday Gone Too Far
Officer located man fitting hobo description. Man said he was walking home from train station to get exercise. Officer searched “loot bag” (Banana Republic distressed leather bike-messenger-style satchel), and advised man to shave and put on a clean, collared shirt—preferably a Polo (by Ralph Lauren).              

Pilgrim Plot Brewing at Crook Estate
Suspicious noises coming from trailers on construction site of the Crook Estate. Passerby called on cell phone to say she spotted “two short men resembling leprechauns, wearing suits and boots with buckles.” Officers chased men into trailer, where they found a congregation of Pilgrims plotting to claim their rights to native land in the vicinity. Wall map showed both the Crook Estate and Melody Circus circled by arrows and x's. Matter and meeting rights under investigation.

reported and compiled by special agent Sally Sisson

So What's the Deal with 7:23 AM?: It's the Police BLOG!

Grim & Bare It
Sunday, 7:23 AM- Woman called to report “nude man with snow blower” in neighbor’s driveway. Dispatcher reminded caller that town bylaw refers only to nude leaf-blowing. Officer called to scene to investigate. Man with snow blower was wearing “ecru colored” long underwear made with form-fitting Comfortrel fabric. “It’s so comfortable, I feel like I’m nude!” he exclaimed. Police noted that this was same man who was investigated for nude vacuuming last fall and also clubbing a possum to death with a garden spade in 1999.

Helicopter Mom vs. SUV
Tuesday, 7:23 AM- Helicopter mom walking 12-year-old boy to school was nearly hit by SUV driven by distracted uber-mom on cell phone. Uber-mom slammed on brakes just in time, causing her six children to spill organic chocolate milk and Starbucks smoothies on laps. Luckily, woman had entire contents of entire Boden catalog in trunk, along with mix-and-match separates from Hanna Andersson, J. Crewcuts and Oilily. All seven children were late to their respective schools after being re-dressed and checked out for whiplash. Asked why no one had taken the bus to school, uber-mom said the bus was “gross.”

Businessman Strangles Wild Turkey
Thursday, 7:23 AM- After waiting 3.5 minutes for a swarm of wild turkeys to cross the street,  a 42-year-old man got out of his BMW and lunged at the flock while waving a golf club over this head. Most scattered, but one “with a stupid look in his eye” stayed in the street. A witness reported the man dove into the street and strangled the turkey before coming to his senses. The man apologized and said he’d been very agitated ever since the commuter train crossings had disrupted his carefully calibrated morning commute. He was later found downing shots of Wild Turkey at the Speedwell Guild (for members only, Refreshment Center and Groggery).

 

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

 

Creepy Dudes Dressed Like Pilgrims Living in the Woods.

Local nature photographer, Scrim Shaw (pictured to the left), currently on a leave of absence as director of GROL (Greyote Relief & Outreach League), discovered a band of 17th century Pilgrims living in abandoned World War II bomb shelters, nestled in the old military proving grounds, next to the former landfill, which was built on the site of the arsenic plant that was closed in the early 1900’s, following what has become to be known as – “The Unfortunate Accident”.

“When the Greyotes go into hibernation, there is little to do,” claimed Mr. Shaw.” I decided to spend the winter, following my dream as a nature photographer. Besides, I bought a brick of Kodachrome in the mid-1980s and thought that their expiration date was probably about to… you know, expire.”

Mr. Shaw, was apparently, about to photographically capture a frolicking squirrel, when he saw a large man wearing a hat containing a large metal buckle and matching buckle shoes – attempting to drag a late-model, 27” black & white Zenith through the underbrush.

“I saw him but he didn’t see me,” remarked Scrim. “I followed him through the woods until I reached what appeared to be an encampment of approximately, 14-18 individuals (men, women and children) – all dressed as if they had just stepped off The Mayflower.”

“Rather than confront the settlement, I left the scene and returned to The Red Ly’n Inn, just before the second-half kickoff. It wasn’t until the next morning that I pieced things together and realized that something just wasn’t quite right.” exclaimed Mr. Shaw.

Mr. Shaw reported the incident to the local authorities the following morning and led them to what he thought was his point of discovery. Unfortunately, the 8" of snow that had fallen the night before made the search more difficult.

CSI investigator, Liam O’Liam (pictured on the left) is currently developing a Powerpoint presentation based on Scrim’s testimony, for a special event – scheduled for Wednesday at Hal’s Half-Acre Senior Community – located on the site of the former large livestock burial grounds and small pet cemetery. Team bingo will follow O’Liam’s program.

More details to follow, as they become available.

BREAKING NEWS: TinyTown Hysterical Society Meets for 72 Hours Simultaneously

Spritizing Rock, nestled in the tranquil (and slightly tainted) waters of Spritzing Rock Pond

The Tiny Town Hysterical Society met in quadruple-secret session for the third straight day in a row. It seems as though, the Speedwell Guild has made claims that the spritzing rock, the centerpiece of Spritzing Rock Pond, is the actual Plymouth Rock (pictured below). Additionally, the group claims that the chunk of stone, housed in the gazebo in Plymouth – is actually made from a combination plaster of Paris, Bondo®*, and epoxy paint – purchased from the NASA outlet store.

The Speedwell Guild (an organization of direct descendants to the original Pilgrims) was named after the Mayflower’s sister ship, which twice attempted the trans-Atlantic voyage but was sent back both times due to leaking. The current, acting Speedwell members are showing slight indications that the ancestral pond has been too restricted – forcing undue stress to the gene pool (if you know what we mean).

The Hysterical Society records concur, that the current Spritzing Rock, was secretly lowered on to the town common in 1959, by the then acting water commissioner, Needmore Sudds – who was attempting to control a mysterious leak that was fueling a 20-foot, rust-colored geyser that erupted on a near hourly basis.

The eruptions were so disruptive and damaging, that many of the now, colonial white buildings (including the pristine Unitarian-Universalist-Unicorn Church) – surrounding the town commons were forced (by the hysterical commission), to defer to a palette of colonial burnt umbers. In 1972, the palette was redirected back to Colonial white after the cause of the problem was discovered to be a forgotten shut-off valve that was located behind the flag pole.

Miles Broadbrush, the current leader of the Speedwells, claims that a band of indigenous people, dressed as Sons of the Ye Olde Liberty Grille, stole the original Plymouth Rock – also in the year 1959 – and traded it with the Tiny Town water department for a case of Narragansett beer and two bottles of Goldschläger cinnamon schnapps.

It was a similar bottle of Goldschläger cinnamon schnapps that was discover in the Plymouth Voyager, owned by Mr. Broadbrush – that lead Tiny Town, CSI unit director, Liam O’Liam (pictured to the left) to conclude that perhaps the Speedwell Guild was on their way to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (held weekly at the now colonial white, yet still pristine Unitarian-Universalist-Unicorn Church) and had accidentally stumbled into a bi-weekly meeting of the Hysterical Society, instead.

With that said, the Speedwells were escorted back to their settlement, and all criminal charges have been dropped.

*not to be confused with the similarly named, over-hyped, lead singer of a well-known, and popular Irish rock band who's is name derived from a cold war spy plane. Give up?