Tiny Mind Gazette

Police BLOG: Townie Wars and Dueling Lawnmowers

5/21, 10:20 a.m. – Officers called to scene to break up wrestling match between two middle-aged males in cul-de-sac. According to witnesses, Neighbor A had been taunting Neighbor B for two days about his expensive LawnBott battery-powered robotic lawnmower, calling him a “lazy yuppie.”

Neighbor B had objected to noise and exhaust from Neighbor A’s 30-year-old push mower with smoking Briggs and Stratton engine and rusted muffler, calling him a “redneck townie.” Shouting match quickly escalated to skirmish and then to "freestyle wrestling."

Police cars rushed to the scene but were blocked by seven commercial landscape trucks flanking side street. By the time they reached the men, one had a bloody nose and torn polo shirt; the other suffered from mild abrasions and “extreme heartburn.”

Both men were cited for disturbing the peace. This is the second offense for both in the past two years (see “Snow Blower Rage”). Townie previously cited for incident at Red Ly'in Inn. 

- Reported by Agent SS

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

From the TMG Archives: A couple of Spring flooding features

As the Wapatusset rains continue to fall, we sent one of unpaid interns into the archives to find any Spring flood related articles. Here are a couple of our favorites:

Aquajeep Sinks, Trousers Drop, Greyotes Rumble,
Partiers Seek Higher Ground: It's the Police BLOG
click here

Octogenarian Daredevil Stalls in Third Cross-Causeway Attempt
click here

National Day of Unplugging: Get your Amish on

We’re sure you are all aware that the 2nd annual National Day of Unplugging runs from sundown Friday, March 4 to sundown on Saturday, March 5. Many progressive organizations, religious zealots, Mother Jones readers and hemp underwear-clad friends may be urging you to disconnect from the Internet and reconnect with dysfunctional family members and the world around you.

At TMG, we’re going beyond the clichéd “unplug and recharge” and turning the 21^st century on its head. For one weekend only, we’ll be publishing from the dilapidated 18^th century barn behind Scrim Shaw’s ramshackle (mobile) homestead in Wapatusset Farms. Our publisher is reaching back to his Pennsylvania roots and wearing his favorite traditional garb while ordering writers, editors and the staff of unpaid interns to churn butter, spin yarn and work the makeshift letterpress while his trusty dog treads the waterwheel to conduct electricity.

Tiny Mind Gazette will also be broadcasting via short-wave radio for those who find it hard to go cold turkey to print alone. A fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls from the Coastal Institute are on standby to deliver breaking news to doorsteps throughout the 50 contiguous states, weather permitting. 

Stay tuned...

- by TMG current affairs correspondent, Sally Sisson

Police BLOG: Greyote attacks south of Boston; Parker Posey lookalike treated for injuries

Snack attack

Oct 10 -- Greyote accused of biting Parker Posey body-double on independent-film set in Wapatusset village. Police and ambulance called to scene. Minor injuries; no broken skin. Animal rights activist calls it a “misunderstanding” due to mismarked bag from local deli. (Greyote hunting for buffalo chicken upset to find tofu-tabouleh wrap.) Animal may or may not be member of pack involved in dumpster diving/police trousers incident behind bagel shop. Matter under investigation; details to follow.

Old guy gets his gourd

Oct 13 -- Crazy old guy accused of throwing gourds at cars. Two previous counts of throwing crab apples at cars. Man resisted arrest, calling the vegetables “ridiculous” and “pointless.” Police suggested he redirect his anger towards squirrels.

Mazed and confused 

Oct 14 -- Woman calls to report friend missing in corn maze. Says he accompanied her family on day trip but got lost and never returned. Glenn Denver, 34, owner of Sweat Lodge Massage in Wapatusset village (no permanent residence listed), was located after a 3-hour K-9 search and returned to his friend’s barn.

- reported by Agent SS

TMG Road Post: The Most Patriotic People In The Good Ole U.S. of A.

As you might imagine, this was a very tough assignment for the disgruntled and grossly underpaid tiny editorial staff of TMG. Although our home-base of Wapatusset provides a rich cast of characters, we do pack up the Winnebago (TMGRV) and hit the road for our more far-reaching news assignments. Using advanced satellite technology (we purchased a former Soviet, 1970s model off eBay – and with a few spare Ford Pinto parts it works like a charm), we telexed this report in to the unsympathetic and overbearing publisher, who is holding down the fort at TMG headquarters. Stay tuned for his report on the most UNpatriotic people in America. (Or in Wapatusset. We're under a tight deadline.)

The Most Patriotic People

FIRST PLACE

Frank “Mel” Melloncamp | 
St. Louis, MO

Favorite songs:

“Born in the U.S.A.” (Bruce Springsteen), “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” (Conway Twitty)

Mel (no relation to John “Cougar”) sees the world in red, white and blue. His home, office cubicle, and everything he touches is decorated in stars and stripes. As an airbrush artist and graphic arts production assistant for A-A-A-A-ACME (proudly made in the U.S.A.) Packaging, he has free reign of industrial sprayers, compressors and gallons of toxic paint and ink. However, he chooses only three colors.

In preparation for July 4th, Mel spent the last four months painstakingly recreating the pinup image of Sarah Palin wearing an American flag bikini on the silo of his red barn. The svelte 2-D Sarah totes a 3-D rifle, constructed of recycled Marlboro cigarette cartons and scrap metal.

Mel drives a red Dodge Ram truck; drinks PBRs; wears denim on denim; eats only white bread and always wears white Fruit of the Loom briefs (bleached and boiled on the stovetop weekly by his Korean mother-in-law).  

His mission is to beautify America, one block at a time. Call for a free calendar or quote on your desktop publishing or airbrush artistry needs.

RUNNERS UP

Leeane “Hotlips” Lincoln
 | Epping, NH

Motto:
“Live Free or Die, Dammit”

Favorite junk food: 

Deep-fried Slim Jims

Hotlips is living the American dream, working three different jobs: NASCAR usherette, New Hampshire Tax-Free liquor store checkout clerk, and seasonal fireworks demonstration artist. In her spare time she fights against motorcycle helmet laws in neighboring states, the “cafeteria police” in her grandchildren’s school district, and the Dixie Chicks.

Nod Clogsworth
 | Wapatusset, MA

Mottoes: 

“Get a Haircut”  
“Nuclear Power or Bust”

Favorite junk food:

Wispride port cheese spread on a Carr’s water biscuit; Brigham’s frozen pudding

Hero: 

William F. Buckley

If not for his smart seersucker suits, you might mistake Nod for a Libertarian. As far as he’s concerned, America is going to hell in a hand-basket. And fast. He’s determined to bring down the Communist town, state and federal government by writing as many letters to the editor of the Wapatusset Seafarer as possible. In his spare time, he serves as a docent at the Hysterical Society Museum (dressed in period costume) and does battle re-enactments with the local chapter of the Speedwell Guild. A board member of the NRA, he once shot off his big toe at the local Rod and Gun Club, just to prove that guns were safe. "I've had a wooden toe for 20 years now and it hasn't slowed me down a bit," he said. "Plus I get Handicapped parking and a front row seat at Town Meeting."

Mr. Clogsworth, we tip our straw hats to you!

Ask a Deli Meat Slicer: Evenhanded Advice from Stop&Chat Deli Manager, Karl Havarti

Dear Karl:
I just discovered my husband has been secretly TiVoing "Glee." Does this mean he's gay?
- Concerned Wapatusset Wife

Dear Concerned:
Like wow!
You confused me there for a minute. When you said GLEE, I thought you were referring to the cleaning spray we use to clean up the egg salad spills. Now I get it, you were referring to the TV Show.

No. Your husband is probably not gay, although he may be some sort of Metrosexual. Check between the seats of the Camry he and see if some guy-liner may have dropped out of his pocket. That is usually a clue.

Other than that, I am clueless.
- Karl

Dear Karl:
I live in Michigan and have never heard of a Greyote. I thought it was something people smoked in Arizona. Or Mexico. Do I need to lock my snack cupboards and garage door in Kalamazoo?
- OM Hubbard

OM (if that's your real name, as if!):
Kalamazoo, awesome! Those are those things that you hum through and it sounds like music, right? I made one for my thesis project in high school out of a pocket comb and a Kleenex. It was so awesome. What were we talking about? Oh, Greyotes. Duh!

Here is my rule of thumb, “Wild animal let it be, hide your snacks up in a tree. You will have it for another day, just beware of birds of prey.”
–Karl

Dear Karl:
Yesterday, I ordered a pound of sliced turkey – you may remember me, I was number 368. Anyway, you sliced it so thin that when I went to make my son’s sandwich for his school lunch – I was picking through turkey shreds rather than slices. How hard is it to cut deli meat assuming, of course, that meat slicing is most likely one of the top three bullet points in your job description?
- Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:
I sincerely apologize for my turkey slice thickness miscalculation. Usually, by the twelfth slice, I realize that – “Houston there may be a problem!” At least I messed up on your pound of luncheon meat and not the Hubble Telescope!

Here is what I would do – take the turkey shards, put them in a bowl, add a cup or two of MiracleWhip®, add a dash of salt and a sprinkle of pepper – stir – wicked fast. Va-la! Karl’s Turkey Salad Supremo!

Bone Appetite!
Karl

Scrim Shaw, Local Hero Missing (& Presumed Dead)

LATE-BREAKING & ATTENTION GETTING NEWS TIDBIT!

Regular Tiny Mind Gazette contributor and director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League) Scrim Shaw, has been reported missing and potentially a recent recruit within the ranks of the ‘un-living’.

Details to follow as they are developed.

Web of Evil, Ding! Dong! Greyote Calling!, Drunken Joyride

Evil Interweb
Elderly woman called to say she had received suspicious emails about Mexican pharmaceuticals and tooth whitening products over the “Interweb.” She suspected either the Mafia or Marsh Vegas drug lords might be involved. Dispatcher suggested she delete the emails. Woman asked if department had paper shredder.

Oddball
Caller reported man acting in a peculiar manner in Stop & Chat parking lot. Said he seemed “dazed and confused” and was stumbling, possibly intoxicated. Officer responded to scene. Upon checking driver’s license and learning the 53-year-old man was a Wapatusset resident, the officer apologized and said he was just “a bit of an oddball.”

 

What Happens in Vegas…
Man called to say he had lost his Rolex watch, diamond cufflinks and credit card in Las Vegas on a business trip. Dispatcher advised him to call Las Vegas police. Man replied that he was a Wapatusset taxpayer… and added, “besides, the Las Vegas police didn’t believe me.”

Land Shark?
Caller reported Greyote disguised as Avon lady going door to door in neighborhood. Dispatcher advised caller to keep cats indoors and snack foods sealed in Tupperware containers.

Lawn Party
Noise complaint. Middle-aged man out for evening joyride on lawnmower. Driver cited for speeding, open container (flask) in vehicle, and driving unlicensed machine on paved surface.

 

Reported by Anonymous Agent