Tiny Mind Gazette

Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach

Scientists, ornithologists, busy-bodies and media hounds descended on the tiny town of Wapatusset last week to investigate the mysterious death of hundreds (or, as some have estimated, hundreds of thousands) of seagulls. A makeshift laboratory has been set up next to the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute to conduct toxicology and other tests on the birds. Outreach and fundraising efforts are already underway to support their efforts.

 
Reports that "Flock of Seagulls" will perform at a benefit concert have yet to be confirmed. Local real estate agent and masseuse Glenn Denver has offered "Black Katz" (his Eagles tribute band) as a fallback, and will sing a selection of Sting ballads.

As unfortunate as this is, it has provided a new sense of purpose for local volunteers like Scrim Shaw, former director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League). And for the many underemployed and bored townspeople, it's finally something new to talk about.

“This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Joe McSmith as he took a break from a vigorous walk with his metal detector. Indeed, many notable items have been found washed up on the beaches of Wapatusset, especially during storm season (see "Jimmy Choo washes up on beach.") As Joe says, "In this crazy town, you just never know what will happen next!"

 
Local residents offered many possible explanations for the tragic seagull deaths:

• Rancid clam strips from greasy restaurant in “one of the neighboring towns”
• Collective McMansion Chem-Lawn residue from melt after recent Nor’easter
• Alcohol fumes from recent ladies’ New Year brunch at the Chardonnay Institute
• Electromagnetic disturbances from mass-scale Black Ops video gaming over winter break
• “Bad karma for stealing my sandwich last summer”

 Stay tuned for news at it unfolds…

- by CSI, animal control, and current affairs correspondent Agent SS

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING: Where is the Public Outrage?

Seal Coating truck recently vandalized by activists.

The following article was submitted by nationally acclaimed folksinger and animal rights activist Joany Seng-Lowe. Joany was recently in Wapatusset to attend an emergency board meeting of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) and to attend her brother’s bail hearing.

Joany Seng-Lowe (file photo)

Dear Tiny Mind Gazette:
You only need to drive a couple blocks in Wapatusset before stumbling upon a suburban residence with a cordoned off asphalt driveway – blackened to a sheen that can only be achieved by one method, and one method alone.

DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING!


Adorable baby seal escapes poachers.

I ask you, the general public, where is the outrage?
How many more seal lions have to die before this barbaric ritual is brought to an end?

Admittedly, I spend the majority of my life in either my minuscule Greenwich Village apartment or some seedy coffee house – darkened by the smoke of countless clove cigarettes, deep in the urban asphalt jungle –  to me, the suburban landscape is as foreign as the surface of the moon.

However, my well-honed artistic sensibilities to both right and wrong, have directed me to take up a new cause – to BAN SEAL COATING!

I urge you, as responsible citizens of the planet, to stand-up an let your voices be heard! Please join me in putting an end to this horrible atrocity – happening in your own driveway!


Gypsy Mouths (from upcoming album: Seng-Lowe: Suite Chariot)

Editor’s Note:
Joany and her band, ‘The Gypsy Mouths’ will be performing a FREE benefit concert this summer at the Speedwell Guild Lodge. Additional information will soon be released as soon as it becomes available. Seng-Lowe’s new album, ‘Suite Chariot’ is scheduled for a July release date.

Around the Pond: Feelgood, Flip-Flops, Flapjacks, Flags, and Finally, Flute-O-Phones

Kick-Start Your Summer
Starbucks will have extended hours during the second and third weeks of June to accommodate frazzled parents ferrying children to end-of-school year activities. Extra caffeine shots are half price. The Dr. Feelgood Special offers a blast of B vitamins, 4 shots of espresso, and a mystery ingredient sure to give you a brighter outlook on suburban life.

Mark Your Calendars!
The elementary school’s annual Freakin’ Flip-Flop Day (Monday) is sure to be a smashing success. Parents, remember to charge your video cameras and to wear flip flops and wacky mismatched clothing to watch your children compete in three-legged races and silly soccer drills ‘n’ skills.

Tuesday is Kickin’ Krocs Day and the Kumon Kompetition for grades 3-5. Kids should wear their Krocs (Crocs) and get ready to “kick some butt” in the Matholympics Marathon and Baseball Pitching Clinic contests.

Wednesday is the Bring-Your-Pets-to-School Day/Animal Shelter Bake Sale and Thursday is Teacher Appreciation/Ice-Cream Sundae/Poetry Slam Day. Friday is the pancake breakfast, followed by the Flag Day/Arbor Day Ceremony and Flute-O-Phone Concert.

Lawn parking is available for as many SUVs as humanly possible; carpooling is discouraged. On Saturday afternoon in the darkened auditorium there will be a special video showing of the entire week’s festivities for working mothers and deadbeat dads.

Wind-Down Week
The Chardonnay Center of Adult Education will host extended hours and life-coach sessions the last week of June for parents who already need a break. Babysitting, enrichment classes and tutoring services are available.

Record Nearly Shattered: World’s Longest School Concert

The Wapatusset Middle School enjoyed one of the longest musical concerts in recent memory this Wednesday night. Although several Type A fathers claimed it was the longest in history (due in part to 90 degree temperatures in the non-air conditioned gymnasium), our research staff has debunked this. It turns out one of our twin sister cities—Winnetuxet, Wisconsin—broke the record last week with a spring concert running just under 3 hours and 10 minutes.

The Winnetuxet Middle School concert featured selections by five choral groups (including 17 soloists), two concert bands, a jazz/rock combo, a polka band/dance troupe, Irish step dancers, and a kazoo band. Administrators explained that with such a packed school and sports calendar for May and June, they’d had to combine several of the arts group performances.

Unusually long numbers included the kazoo band’s rendition of “American Pie” (all 21 verses) and a medley of “In-a-Gadda-Ya-Vida” mixed with “My Funny Valentine” by the jazz/rock combo.

Since three of the school choruses wanted to sing “Defying Gravity,” the hit from the musical Wicked, a decision was made to have each group sing the song in its entirety and then have the audience vote on the best performance. Defying belief, the back-to-back songs ran 17.5 minutes.

The evening was capped off with a rousing performance of the 1812 Overture, which brought the audience to their feet with loud applause.

(Parents with older children are looking forward to tonight’s Winnetuxet High School concert, featuring Mahler’s Symphony No. 3, a medley of Pink Floyd and Rush instrumentals, and two-thirds of the songbook from “Cats.”)

Feedback after the concert was somewhat split along gender lines.

“You’d need an astronaut-grade Depends to get through that concert,” remarked one father.

“I thought it was lovely,” said his wife. “My favorite song was the one from that Disney movie… Something about self-esteem. I’m not sure, but I feel better about myself already.”

One overworked music teacher made a quick exit, explaining he had to attend his own two children’s band concerts the following two nights.

It was hard to find people to comment, as they frantically checked their Blackberries and raced to their cars in the parking lot.

“I support the arts,” said one parent. “But I have to go home and make 40 pounds of potato salad for a graduation party.”

[Stay tuned for TMG coverage of World’s Longest Graduation Speech.]

– reported by TMG staff, Midwest Bureau

Art Smart by Friday Beignets (art critic and cereal entrepreneur)

Musty Slippers Release New Album.

When you finally turn off the Musty Slipper’s new 8-track, ‘Lashed to the Flagpole’, you may find yourself incessantly humming the Slipper’s new rock ballad, ‘Lobster Roll’. “I love lobster rolls, put another mackerel in the clam box baby…” this is the Slipper’s first album since ‘Every Child is Gifted’ and the mysterious disappearance of lead singer, Stash. Track 6 features a rap version of the band’s 1979 hit, ‘Whale Pants’ and is followed by a instrumental kazoo and washboard rendition of The Strandell’s classic, ‘Dirty Water’ – which to some, is a thinly cloaked jab at the Wapatusset Water Department. ‘Lashed’ is currently available only on 8-track although there are plans to release a cassette version of the album for the upcoming Spritzing Rock Arts Festival (SPRAF).

Storm Blankstrom (1983 file photo)

The Wapatusset Art Center (WART) Announces Sport Coat Exhibit

Former toll booth collector and poodle groomer, Snerd Blankstrom has finally come out of the closet and has emerged with extensive sport coat collection of his late brother and TV weatherman, Storm Blankstrom. Those new to the area (‘Carpetbaggers’ and ‘Johnny come-latelies’*), will not be familiar with Storm’s flamboyant wardrobe and wacky meteorological prognostication. In the 1970’s meteorologists were without the advanced and highly accurate instrumentation of today’s weather forecasters – there were times when Storm would predict over a foot of snow –that would eventually turn out to be a slight misting of dew. This was, of course, after all of the schools had been closed and all of the bottled water and toilet paper had been stripped from the shelves of Stop & Chat. Thank your ‘higher being of choice’ for the accuracy of today’s forecasts. The entire collection of sport coats, totaling over 350, will be on display at WART until April 15, weather permitting. Those allergic to mothballs may want to view the exhibit by remaining on the building’s exterior and peering through the windows.

'Tranquility Interrupted' Henry Oh (1995)

Spin Artist Hospitalized

Henry Oh, master of the ‘Spin Art Movement’ (SPAM**) was recently hospitalized following a fall at his West Wapatusset studio. According to his intern, Stella Ella, a freshman fine arts major at Wapatusset Online Community College (WOCC), Mr. Oh fell off a scaffolding and fell onto the large rotating turntable that he had recently constructed. The platform was rotating at 45 RPMs when Henry slipped on a plastic ketchup bottle filled with acrylic burnt sienna. “I was outside the studio smoking a clove cigarette when the accident happened. I would say that Mr. Oh had probably been going around, and around, and around, for approximately 15 minutes before I realized what had happened and flipped the off switch on the diesel-powered converted bulldozer motor.” Mr. Oh was treated for extreme dizziness and is now resting comfortably in his own bedroom. Should you decide to pay Henry a visit, please be aware that the yellow, red and blue paint will eventually wash off, but for now – seeing him in person for an extended period of time, may make you feel a little queazy yourself.

Be Smart, Make Art!

*Townie Handbook, pages 47-52
**Not to be confused with the copyrighted can of jellied meat by-products or unsolicited electronic mail.

Police BLOG: Electri-cicles, Glee Pollution, Pokemon-Effect, Discarded Needles, Seagull Rage

Caller reports neighbor has wreath and lighted icicles on porta-potty, in direct violation of town by-law. Porta-potty is positioned in front of home on a well-trafficked street. Resident warned two weeks ago (see TMG article) but has not removed decorations. Claims he heard bylaw referred only to “nice side of Forrer Street” and that he resides on the “poor end.” Design review board noted man was suspiciously well-dressed at hearing.

Noise complaint. Woman singing very loudly to “Glee” soundtrack. Third complaint in two days. Officer advised resident to keep windows and curtains closed. Woman reported to be hostile and accused officer of “not supporting the arts.” Cell phone calls later linked to teenage son.

Man called to report 6-year-old son suffered mild seizure as result of twinkling colored lights in zigzag pattern on cul-de-sac. EMTs called to scene. Described as mild case of Pokemon-effect shock; treated on scene and released. Resident issued citation for violation of white-lights-only ordinance within 2.5 mile radius of town green.

Working mother with Martha Stewart complex accidentally punctured herself while speed-knitting afghans on her lunch break. EMTs reported to home office where they treated deep puncture wound and disinfected bloody knitting needles. Woman refused to heed advice, insisting on finishing afghan (“I can make one in 6 hours flat”), writing 2 press releases, bedazzling 3 wreaths, and making 7 dozen "thumb print" cookies.

 

Elderly man called to complain of excessive bird droppings in driveway. Suspects it was either vandals or a “flock of angry seagulls seeking revenge.” Officer explained it was snow. Resident requested extra patrols.

 

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

 

 

TINY MIND Internal Memo: Office Holiday Party Etiquette

FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY. NOT TO BE PUBLISHED!

For many of you, this is your first Holiday party at the company, and we certainly hope it won’t be your last, so our president wisely asked me to pass on these few notes to make sure no one embarrasses himself or herself during this festive event. (One study showed that up to 93% of employees in some companies lose their jobs over holiday party “incidents.” Some 11% do find them the next Monday, but many wish they hadn’t.)

The Boss says: “We want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and keep you here.”

ALCOHOL: There will be alcohol. Enjoy it responsibly. But do not use it to “hydrate.”

MUSIC APPRECIATION: The Boss will be playing the piano. He’s quite accomplished, and this music is his holiday “gift” to the company. However, a $1 tip is adequate and appreciated; $5 if you make a special request. It is impolite to request him to “stop playing those damn show tunes.” Also, if the Boss asks you to accompany him, do not sit on his lap, but sit next to him on the piano bench.

FOOD: With the passed hors d’ouevres, the procedure is to take one, and a napkin. Do not take the tray from the server, as this is a “shared” item, not delivered specifically to you.

Do not bring baggies to the party for “take out.” This is an eat-in party. (Same goes for nalgene bottles at the bar.)

It is best not to make “sandwiches” from nachos. They tend to split and splash and ruin the beautiful expensive shirt your beloved bought you a month ago and positively wreak havoc on what should be a lovely Friday evening at home after the party and instead turns out to be a hellish nightmare of recriminations of why you spoil everything good and suck the life out of the most joyous time of year by your slovenly habits and total disregard for the commonsensical behaviors of even the MOST PRIMITIVE MEMBERS of the HUMAN RACE—you ID-I-OT!!!!!  So we suggest going with the single-dip-and-bite method.

ALCOHOL:  Sip responsibly. Do not speak while sipping. Practice speaking silently before speaking aloud. If you cannot pronounce simple words in your head, such as your name, put the glass down and request a cab home.

SALUTATIONS: We call it a Holiday party to be inclusive,  but it is fine to say “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,” “Joyous Kwanzaa,” or even “Rapturous Festivus.” But do not say, “Wow, you could definitely play Santa!” Or “I finished all my shopping already! How about you?” Don’t say those things. Really.

MUSIC PERFORMANCE: If you decide to sing Christmas carols, make sure you are singing the same one as everyone else. At the same speed. Within at least two keys of the leader. Do not affect the style of a lounge singer unless you have a sequined gown, or a sequined jacket.

ATTIRE: If you have either a sequined gown or sequined jacket, please do not come to the party.

ALCOHOL: Try not to burst into tears for no apparent reason. The reason Lee never kissed you in 4^th grade had nothing to do with that haircut. Trust us.

MISTLETOE: The practice of “honoring” a sprig of mistletoe is a completely OPTIONAL act, not a requirement. Except if you see me standing under one, or simply holding one over his head. In that case, it is important to cheer me up, tell me I am “a valuable and loved member of society,” and “a shirt can always be replaced,” and “maybe a kiss will make you feel better.”

ATTIRE: when you arrive, carefully observe your shirt, pants, skirt, blouse, jacket, and or suit. When you leave, try to remember if they are the same. If not, check out Frankie in shipping.

ALCOHOL: Do not pull a barstool up to the bar. It’s not that kind of bar. Do not start pouring out your life’s tragedies to the bartenders. They are just local student temps and have their own angst over exams, and love, and the meaning-of-life and truly: they don’t really don’t care about you. Do not yell out “Drinks for everyone! On me!” We have tried this four  five years in a row, and apparently it is still not funny.

CO-WORKERS:  If you are standing close to anyone who shouts, “Hey, watch this!” do everything in your power to stop them.  (Sales reps on bungie cords, and department managers bowling with punch bowls, are just not holiday entertainment.)

FUN: Remember, this is an office party. So have fun. (All things considered, raises can always be rescinded; what seems hilarious and entertaining in your mind may not look hilarious as you dance “like Beyonce;” accounting jokes are really only funny to accountants; and most important of all: if you wouldn’t say it or do it any other day, why would you say it or do it NOW?)

So now that you are totally clued in, enjoy. We hope to see you again Monday. Really. Maybe in a nice clean shirt.   – J. DiCocco

Tiny Mind Profile: Scrim Shaw

Scrim Shaw, 1975

Name:
Morton "Scrim" Shaw

Occupation:
Director, Greyote Rescue & Outreach League

Best day of your life: 

April 30, 1975 when I returned from Canada.

Most fun thing I do:
I am a nature photography buff and often camouflage myself in order to “blend in.”
I also used to fly homemade aircraft with friends of John Denver.

Favorite Season:
I like Fall and baseball season.

Favorite Holiday: 

Groundhog’s Day, I was born and raised near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
Played left tackle for the high school football team – the “Chucks”

Favorite Junk Food: 

Slim Jims dunked in Cheez Whiz

Best Book or Magazine:
magazine: Popular Science (or Field & Stream)
book: Rivethead: Tales from the Assembly Line, Ben Hamper

Best Music:
Anything by Esquivel, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band or Loudon Wainwright

Pet Peeve:
People who DRIVE while: talking on the cell phone, shaving, eating, with a dog on their lap – or any multiple-element combination of these.

Smartest thing I do:
Go to be early (usually before 10:00 pm) and rise early (5:00 am)

Fun fact about yourself:
I am distant cousin to Pat Buttram, who used to play Mr. Haney on “Green Acres and Petticoat Junction”

Goal:
Solve the mystery of D.B. Cooper

Person you would most like to meet:
Andrew Jackson, Edgar Allan Poe or Wild Bill Hikok’s sidekick, Jingles

Biggest Worry:
Greyotes will be blamed for the evil deeds of the kids in town, who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats and flaunt their boxer shorts.

Best part of Cohasset:
The view in the rear view mirror of my Ford F-150. Just joking!

Spritzing Rock Pond on a Sunday afternoon when the hunchback (or whoever it is) is ringing the church bells at Saint Stephen’s Church.

Holidays, Homecomings & High School Reunions

special report by Agent SS

Thanksgiving in TinyTown means food, family and old friends! Three high school reunions will take place over the long weekend. While some alums can’t wait to reconnect, others are changing phone numbers, dodging emails and Facebook invites. Responses have ranged from “Those were the best years of my life!” to “How the #$% did you track me down?”

Class of 2004
The 5-year reunion will take place on Wednesday night from 9pm til 2a.m. After pre-funking at the beach parking, alums will gather for a “techno rave” (as the young people call it) at the American Legion. The menu includes Red Bull - vodka punch, sushi and Miracle Whip crostinis.

Class of 1999
The 10-year reunion will take place on Saturday night from 8pm til midnight and various after-parties at private homes are being planned. Classmates have been sprucing themselves up for the big night, highlighting their hair, doctoring fake business cards, re-learning the Macarena, and squeezing in extra workouts into their schedules. The menu includes Cosmopolitans, micro-brewed beer, Bagel Bites wrapped in prosciutto, and Hot Pockets dipped in Ranch dressing. A 90s cover band will play “everything from Celine Dion and Maria Carey to Backstreet Boys and Pearl Jam.”

Class of 1979
The 30-year reunion will be held on Friday night from 6—10 p.m. so that attendees can be home in bed by 11. Smallgreen's on Route 3A reports a spike in sales of Rogaine, Just for Men, SlimFast shakes and Olay Regenerist anti-wrinkle serum. All are looking forward to showing off their middle-aged dance moves to Earth, Wind and Fire, Bad Company and the Ramones (although the DJ threatens to play nothing but Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Due to dwindling class dues, the class of  '79 has ordered food from the high school cafeteria. The buffet will include choice of Salisbury steak with gravy or Hamburger Helper stroganoff, tater tots or whipped potatoes, boiled carrot coins, and pudding with Cool Whip or Jimmy Carter bars for dessert. Beverages include Harvey Wallbangers, White Russians, wine coolers and a grab-bag of canned beer: Schaefer, Schlitz, Heffenreffer and Michelob Lite.

Stay tuned for party photos next week! Sign up for an email subscription to Tiny Mind Gazette or become a Facebook fan, and keep your finger on the pulse of small-town suburban life. 

In the meantime, here are some clips to get you in a reminiscing mood:

Schaefer Beer / Moog synthesizer commercial

Learn to Dance the Macarena

Will Smith / Gettin’ Jiggy With It

Vertigo U2 iPod Commerical

Weekend: 30-Second Wrap-Up

Highlights from the week that was.

The Town Library
Guest Speaker, author,  Millian VanDorn will read from her new book, Horse: The Enchanting Story of a Unicorn That Lost His Horn. Millian is also the best-selling author of, I am Gnome, soon to become a major motion picture.

H1N1 Distress
A barefoot woman in tie-dye T-shirt crashed the H1N1 vaccine sign-up line at the Cohasset High School on Thursday morning. She was holding a sign that said “I need a miracle” and trying to barter brownies and bootleg tapes for a low number on the list.

Greyote-Mania!
Get your Greyote Crunchies! Local girl scouts will be selling homemade dog biscuits (called Greyote Crunchies!) to benefit the Greyote Rescue  & Outreach League (GROL). Look for their booth at the Village Fair on December 5, right next to the Limburger Cheese and clam chowder stand.

Now on the social docket: Greyote Gala (date TBD,  late winter 2010), a charity wine-tasting and auction event (not to be missed).

Musty Slippers
Local marching band, Musty Slippers to be featured in regional Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade to be held at South Shore Plaza on Thanksgiving Day.

Musty Slippers to headline "Greyote-pa-looza" during Spritzing Rock Brewing Company's "SummerFest on the Common." The band promises a Duran Duran tribute and is currently perfecting the rock ballad, Hungry Like a Wolf.

Minot’s Ledge Lighthouse
Hamilton&Burr Realtors to host weekend open house at Minot's Ledge Lighthouse. Free ferry service will be available, weather permitting.

Semi-Squelched lighthouse rumors:
Renowned Mad Scientist eyes Minot's Ledge Lighthouse for relocation of his evil lair.

Local realtors deny that Patriots' quartrback, Tom Brady posturing to purchase Minot's Ledge Lighthouse – although Gisele was reportedly spotted trying on capri pants in Ports and has been invited by a certain local socialite to headline a charity fashion luncheon for underprivileged models at the Red Lion Inn.

The Art Center
Art Center announces new exhibit: Dogs Playing Board Games. Wine & Kibble opening, slated for evening of December 1.

The Abandoned (and possibly haunted like Town Hall) Hardware Store
Local realtors deny that old hardware store to become Limburger Cheese test kitchen.

Spritzing Rock Brewery to open microbrewery/bistro (above possibly future Limburger Cheese Test Kitchen).

Town Common
Paving company has asphalt surplus and offers to cover town common. Board of Selectmen were drawn into emergency meeting on Thursday and have yet to be seen leaving town hall.

There are plans under way to build 3 gingerbread MacMansions on the town common (next to Spritzing Rock Pond) as a fundraiser for the town's new Multi-cultural Center and Pancake House. The full-size, candy-covered homes would be open to the public through Valentines' Day.

High School Sports
Thanksgiving Day high school football game will feature "throwback" uniforms. Plimouth Plantation has donated attire for both Pilgrim and Indigenous People teams.

Plans are underway to change the high school's mascot from "Skippers" to "Greyotes." The TMG, has been in touch with a mascot costume fabricator that has been contracted by a booster group, to build a 9'-high Greyote "suit." (Unfortunately, it will not be available until mid-2010). GROL has supplied photographs, fur samples, and other forms of reference material to assist in the suit's construction.

Town Pond
In case you missed it, Tiny Mind Gazette readers spoke! Town pond was secretly renamed “Spritzing Rock Pond.” There is no known association with the Spritzing Rock brewing Company.

Spritzing Pond development plan includes enclosed water-centric theme park and beer garden. Local realtors remain silent.