Tiny Mind Gazette

The World responds to New England Snow Shovel Crisis

As New Englanders dig out of the worst snow-thunderstorm in years, the small town of Wapatusset, Massachusetts is being inundated with media attention—once again.

What started as an innocent photo op has turned into a crusade of international proportions.

As the Associated Press made the world aware of the “Snowpocalypse,” hundreds of web-links picked up the weather/human interest aspect of the crisis and crowned a young Wapatusset lady as the “Snow Princess.”

A picture says a thousand words!

Captions read “Getting ready for the snowstorm in Massachusetts with her rake as New England braces for a foot of snow.”

On Wednesday, newspapers from Honolulu to Washington, London to Beijing chose the heart- wrenching vision of a tiny 13-month-old clearing the family driveway with…

…a rake…

to illustrate the magnitude of the blizzard.

On Thursday headlines across the planet read “What?? No Shovels?”

The picture has united a charity drive of global proportions.

Brooms are arriving from mainland China (with “Made in India” stickers), barn shovels from the Polish Highlands. Even the latest Ergo-S models are pouring in from Internet well-wishers. 

Wapatusset postal clerk (and lead drummer of the Musty Slippers) Justin Case reported Friday that the tiny Wapatusset Post Office parking lot has reached maximum capacity as it is filled with crates of donated shovels from all over the world.

The Nigeria Daily News posted the picture and now Interpol warns of a new Nigerian Internet scam as in-boxes across the globe are being spammed with suspicious requests for cash donations to “send a snow shovel to Uncle Osagioduwa in Wapatusset” (which, translated from Nigerian, means “God show me the way to wealth.”)

Bob Geldorf has announced Snow Aid 2011 in Carmel, California to raise funds for both shovels and snow removal. Ozzy Osborne has also announced that proceeds from his Monsters of Snow Tour (not be confused with the Yeti) will also support snow removal efforts.

The Bored Selectmen of Wapatusset are grateful for the international show of support and have begun distributing the shovels to neighboring (and less fortunate) communities throughout New England. As their fleet of Range Rover snowplows is stretched to the limit, they appreciate any type of outreach (and publicity) on their behalf.

AP Photo/Stephan Savoia

- article by the mysterious, Dr. F

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

'Spy Swap' (not wife swap!) set for Russian Agent Arrested in Boston Suburb

With rumors swirling around Wapatusset concerning the recent arrest of Muffy Milken (a.k.a. Natasha Fatale), residents are getting a mix of fact and fiction from the local grapevine. Here’s an attempt to set things straight.

Bebe Boesky | a.k.a. Muffy Milken (file photo)

FACT:
The Russian woman known in America as both Bebe Boesky and, most recently, Muffy Milken, was arrested for suspicion of spying for the Russian government. She is being held without bail in the Wapatusset Police Station jail. (See “Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?" for details.)

Earlier today, major media outlets released news of a “Spy Swap”, in which several suspected spies (including Ms. Milken) are to be escorted to CIS (Central Intelligence Spy division) headquarters in Alexandria, VA. Top-secret plans are in the works with officials in Moscow to broker a deal.

news anchor, Edwardo Anthony (file photo)

Here’s where signals got crossed:
First, TV news anchor Edwardo Anthony confused the CIS with the local ICS (Institute of Chardonnay Studies) in Wapatusset during his mid-day broadcast. Being a Wapatusset resident himself (and a regular at the Institute), it was an understandable mistake. But this gaffe set the town abuzz, and gossip-mongers started chatting and tweeting away.

Just like an old-fashioned game of “telephone,” the story twisted like a Mobius Strip. Soon the talk was about wife swapping in Wapatusset, with the Institute of Chardonnay Studies as the nexus of activity.

Hooking up with the Joneses

Board members of the Institute quickly called their PR rep to dispel the rumor, and agents from nearby Scrodwell Banker came to their defense as well. “We are so tired of that old Boston Magazine article tarnishing our town,” said Jane Peyton. “Just because we closely resemble a certain town of similar size, geography and demographics does not mean we are that town!"

"For the last time–all this nonsense about car keys and gnomes is pure fiction.”

We’ll leave it at that. Stay tuned for developing news on espionage--and intrigue.

TinyTown "Diversity" Parade

In honor of MLK Day, the community of TinyTown held a colorful Diversity Parade around Spritzing Rock Pond on Monday afternoon. A search committee was formed a year ago to search for “diverse” people from neighboring towns to be transported in for the occasion.

White children from TinyTown borrowed ethnic masks and costumes from the local Diversity Museum and performed folk dances on a float while the local Daughters of the American Revolution kazoo band played “It’s a Small World” – over and over again.

Other popular floats included:

The “Affordable Senior Housing” float, made of Werther’s Original candies. Since there is no affordable senior housing in Tiny Town, seniors were bussed in from every other town in a 20-mile radius.

 The “Financial Diversity” float, assembled from cigars, single-malt scotch bottles and Monopoly money. A collection of hedge fund managers, portfolio managers, venture capitalists, stock brokers, advisors, analysts and traders waved to onlookers and threw out free golf balls.

 The “Rainbow Redemption” float, honoring homosexuals who have been “converted” into heterosexuals. (Note that this was a compromise reached after months of negotiations among committee members.) Featuring a larger-than-life figurine of Ned Flanders, the float was wrapped in a rainbow flag with a bedazzled pot of faux gold at the end.

The search committee is looking for new members for next year's Diversity Parade. If you have ideas or would like to volunteer, please leave a message in the comments section below.

BREAKING NEWS: TinyTown Hysterical Society Meets for 72 Hours Simultaneously

Spritizing Rock, nestled in the tranquil (and slightly tainted) waters of Spritzing Rock Pond

The Tiny Town Hysterical Society met in quadruple-secret session for the third straight day in a row. It seems as though, the Speedwell Guild has made claims that the spritzing rock, the centerpiece of Spritzing Rock Pond, is the actual Plymouth Rock (pictured below). Additionally, the group claims that the chunk of stone, housed in the gazebo in Plymouth – is actually made from a combination plaster of Paris, Bondo®*, and epoxy paint – purchased from the NASA outlet store.

The Speedwell Guild (an organization of direct descendants to the original Pilgrims) was named after the Mayflower’s sister ship, which twice attempted the trans-Atlantic voyage but was sent back both times due to leaking. The current, acting Speedwell members are showing slight indications that the ancestral pond has been too restricted – forcing undue stress to the gene pool (if you know what we mean).

The Hysterical Society records concur, that the current Spritzing Rock, was secretly lowered on to the town common in 1959, by the then acting water commissioner, Needmore Sudds – who was attempting to control a mysterious leak that was fueling a 20-foot, rust-colored geyser that erupted on a near hourly basis.

The eruptions were so disruptive and damaging, that many of the now, colonial white buildings (including the pristine Unitarian-Universalist-Unicorn Church) – surrounding the town commons were forced (by the hysterical commission), to defer to a palette of colonial burnt umbers. In 1972, the palette was redirected back to Colonial white after the cause of the problem was discovered to be a forgotten shut-off valve that was located behind the flag pole.

Miles Broadbrush, the current leader of the Speedwells, claims that a band of indigenous people, dressed as Sons of the Ye Olde Liberty Grille, stole the original Plymouth Rock – also in the year 1959 – and traded it with the Tiny Town water department for a case of Narragansett beer and two bottles of Goldschläger cinnamon schnapps.

It was a similar bottle of Goldschläger cinnamon schnapps that was discover in the Plymouth Voyager, owned by Mr. Broadbrush – that lead Tiny Town, CSI unit director, Liam O’Liam (pictured to the left) to conclude that perhaps the Speedwell Guild was on their way to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (held weekly at the now colonial white, yet still pristine Unitarian-Universalist-Unicorn Church) and had accidentally stumbled into a bi-weekly meeting of the Hysterical Society, instead.

With that said, the Speedwells were escorted back to their settlement, and all criminal charges have been dropped.

*not to be confused with the similarly named, over-hyped, lead singer of a well-known, and popular Irish rock band who's is name derived from a cold war spy plane. Give up?

Top 10 Predictions for 2010.

For the past few weeks, TinyTown has been for a quiet. In fact, you could almost say that it was deader than “The King of Pop”. Oh sure, there were a few roadside holiday parties – the abandoned Goldschläger Cinnamon Schnapps bottles and trash bags filled with empty Narragansett cans, offer undeniable proof.

For you see, during the Christmas holidays, a majority of the town’s inhabitants travel north for skiing, partying, and resting fireside at the lodge – with their next door neighbors and best pals – from TinyTown.

For those that stayed behind, winter left a healthy blanket of snow that was replenished on a regular basis throughout the past week and a half. The winter high tides were a bit higher than usual. There were many times during the week, that waterfront streets were totally submerged in sea water.

Even more prevalent, were the knuckleheads, that insisted upon driving through the knee-deep, salt water. A common remark by roadside by-standers (especially those who had once owned a rusted-out, circa-1970’s Maverick, Pinto or Vega) was, “Lord God, I hope that car is leased!”

Well, it’s Monday morning and time to get the virtual presses of the Tiny Mind Gazette up and running. In our weekly editorial meeting, we decided that it might be a good time to announce our predictions for the coming year. These are our top 10:

1. The abandoned and most likely haunted hardware store will be torn down and replaced with a Lululemon Superstore & Pilates Rehabilitation Center.


2. Miniature Invisibines® will be made mandatory for all gasoline burning urban assault vehicles that seat more than six passengers. 


3. For these same vehicles, it will no longer be mandatory for the vehicle operator to engage in cell phone conversations while navigating the village’s narrow and winding streets. However, it will still be necessary to drive with a small designer dog on your lap. Reading a newspaper or ingesting snacks is also encouraged.


4. Upon awakening from hibernation, a pack of greyotes will encircle the town’s pet grooming studio, taunting the exiting newly-coiffed Labberdoodles, Cocker-huahua and Arubanese Rescue Collies. The town’s Animal Control Officer will be alerted and forced to leave his command post at the Red Ly’n Inn.


5. All of the town center’s commercial and retail businesses will be packed-up and moved to the Independence Hall, mini-mall that has been built next to the commuter rail station.


6. The town center’s abandoned buildings will be torn down to provide additional parking for the newly expanded Lululemon World Theme Park, the Lululemon Pilates Rehabilitation Center – as well as the soon-to-be-founded, American Center for Chardonnay Studies. 


7. The commissioner of the town’s Miniature League Baseball Association will organize a coup d'etat – overthrowing the town government and enacting military rule. Lights will be added to the TinyTown baseball triplex – making 24x7, youth baseball a reality.


8. Donning pitchforks and lighted torches, inhabitants of homes surrounding the baseball triplex will take to the streets – bringing down the horrible MLBA regime. The disgraced commissioner will be forced into exile. Donkeyball will be named the official town sport.


9. All of the town’s naturally growing grass and foliage will be replaced by artificial turf.


10. The Tiny Mind Gazette will receive a Lilly Pulitzer Prize for both excellence in journalism and fashion commentary.

Happy 2010! Hang in there!

Corporate Lunk-Heads and Muckity-Mucks Threaten to Shut Down Tiny Mind Gazette Unless 200 Sign-up as Facebook Fans by Friday!

Free speech threatened as "the man" threatens to lower the boom on the POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Enlist your Facebook friends and save voice of the little guy! Visit the Tiny Mind Gazette Facebook Fan Page and sign-up!

Town’s “Center for International Studies” to sponsor new Thanksgiving Tradition

When you you visit the Stop&Chat® grocery store’s, “You be the Employee,” automated checkout system or any of the Sobering Bank®, ATMs – you are given language choice of either English or Español. This should be proof enough that our town is undergoing a cultural revolution/invasion.

To honor our new Spanish-speaking brethren and bretherinas, the Center for International Studies will be sponsoring the town’s first “Running of the Turkeys” on Saturday, November 21 at noon, in front of the abandoned (and most likely haunted) former Hardware Store. Obviously, a holiday twist on Pamplona Spain’s “Running of the Bulls,” the event will be open to all citizens (including those holding  current Green Cards and Temporary Visas), ages 4 and up.
 
The town’s health department would like to remind everyone that although everything will be done to authenticate the event – live turkeys will not be used. Instead, frozen turkeys will be “shot” out of the beds of highway department vehicles, at various locations through out the village. For those with vegan tendencies, frozen TOFUrkey’s will be used in the areas surrounding the health food store.

As a final reminder, when traveling at speeds up to 30 mph, any form of frozen fowl can quickly become a dangerous object. The Department of Safety is urging all participants, including spectators, to wear proper protective headgear.

We look forward to seeing everyone on Saturday!