Tiny Mind Gazette

Police BLOG: Post-Blizzard Special Edition

Wapatusset residents proved to be hearty and resourceful New Englanders during last weekend's historic snow storm. But cabin fever quickly swept through the small coastal community as heat and personal hygiene went out the window. While some took off to northern ski cabins, relatives' homes and 5-star hotels, others roughed it out in nearby cafes, desperately seeking warmth, wifi and a bit of "personal space" away from loved ones.

Monday, Feb 11

9:04 a.m. Doe St: Caller reports “homeless person” sleeping in garage. Reports he looks “a bit like Sasquatch... or the Unabomber.” Woman advised to lock garage door and liquor cabinet. 

9:22 a.m Doe St: Officer rouses “homeless person” in garage. Resident discovers it is her husband. Officer lends battery-operated shaver and recommends change of clothes.

11:50 a.m. Harbor Rd Dr: Female calls to request ride to Boston Marriott hotel. Reports preschool children have no one to play with and she has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). 

3:15 p.m. Oak St: Domestic or wild animal incident. 

Tuesday, Feb 12

8:20 a.m. Lily Dr: Report of smoke and sparks inside residence. Woman with smoking blow dryer jerry-rigged to generator. Officer advises woman to towel-dry instead and wear hat. 

2:33 p.m. Fair Isle Ln: Noise complaint. Neighbor calls to report day #2 of screaming children next door. Sounds of “manic wailing." Officer advises parents to swap Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land board games for Apples to Apples instead.

4:10 p.m. Sawyer St: Officer sent to Fox Hill School to investigate skirmish over cell phone charging apparatus at “warming station.” Investigation ongoing.

Wednesday, Feb 13

5:34 p.m. Oak St: Woman calls to inquire about legality of eating roadkill. Claims neighbor has been cooking wild animals ("and possibly rabid raccoons") on gas grill and is afraid to let her pets outside. Says neighbor has "wild look in his eye." Animal control officer dispatched to scene. 

Thursday, Feb 14

7:45 p.m. North Plain St: Well-being check. Power restored but resident still sitting in dark, reading by candlelight. Officer checks light switches and asks if cable and Internet have been restored. Resident confirms but requests "Don’t tell the kids.”

- by crime correspondent Agent SS

TMG salutes all the hard-working Wapatusset town employees and volunteers who helped keep residents safe, secure and somewhat sane during and after the storm. 

300 Rotisserie Chickens Vanish, Baffling Scientists & Police (Dead Bird Scare #2)

Pesticides, Fracking… or Fowl Play??

First it was Red-winged Blackbirds in Arkansas, then came dead cows in Wisconsin. In Wapatusset, Massachusetts this past week, the talk has been all about chickens. 

 More than 300 rotisserie chickens have mysteriously vanished in the last three weeks. Managers of several superstores have reported the disappearance of roast chickens (in bullet-proof plastic boxes) at an alarming rate, especially with the recent frigid temperatures.

Wind turbines… or worse?

Local volunteers from the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute (who normally investigate marine life but always like a challenge) have been on the case, taking samples from other rotisserie chickens and examining environmental conditions. Townspeople have come up with several interesting hypotheses of their own, naming culprits such as: hungry Greyotes, “fracking” caused by ledge blasting for residential dream homes, and high-frequency vibrations caused by Invisiblines wind turbines.

However, police finally think they have a positive lead. Surveillance camera footage from supermarkets is fuzzy but seems to show a mysterious bow-legged, kilted figure leaving the stores right after the birds have gone missing.

Kilted chicken rustler strikes again!

Wapatusset Police Chief Liam O'Liam (left) opined that it could be that ever-elusive Scottish roast-chicken rustler Ian “Farmer John” MacDonald, who was arrested for pilfering roasted poultry from Henhouse Markets in the 90’s. He was recently released from “the pen” and was just seen in Northern Virginia admiring carousels of freshly roasted birds.

MacDonald is known for wearing a kilt and carrying a Scottish dagger in his left sock.  Another clue that it may be this master of the “Go and Carve” is the trail of carcasses and plastic containers left from the shopping cart racks to the worn trails leading from the edges of the strip malls.

Blame it on the haggis

MacDonald, 1983 (pictured on left)

A former neighbor said MacDonald once told him, “If I could find a decent haggis anywhere in this bloody country, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

MacDonald's M.O. is to load up the football-sized containers of roasters—one, two or even three at a time—under his kilt, between his knees, and shuffle bow-legged out of the store. The amount taken in each visit seems to increase with the decrease in outdoor temperature. Liam O'Liam speculated that the thief may be using the pilfered poultry for a dual purpose: “warmth and nourishment.”

Citizens of Wapatusset are asked to report any sightings of a bow-legged kilted gentleman, who smells like roast chicken, to Wapatusset Crimestoppers. Leave any leads in the Comments section below.

See also: Dead Bird Scare #1: Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach.  

– reported by the mysterious Dr. F with the assistance of unpaid interns and Crimestopper vigilantes

50 Halloween Costumes Screaming for HELP!

The definitive list from the tiny-minded editors of TMG:

1. Pregnant Girl Scout
   
2. Tiger Woods as Boy Scout
3. Ted Haggard as Boy Scout leader
4. Santa with ankle bracelet
   
5. Lindsay Lohan with ankle bracelet
6. Hobo (politically incorrect)
7. Flasher (illegal)
8. Gypsy
9. Cher dressed as Gypsy
10. Cher dressed as tramp
    
11. Ghost
12. Ghost of Patrick Swayze
13. Ghost of Gary Coleman
14. Ghost of Caspar Weinberger (the friendly Secretary of Defense)
    
15. Lady Gaga in meat dress (Greyote alert)
    
16. A-Rod without his lip gloss
17. Glee cast in GQ cover outfits
    
18. Clark Rockefeller
19. Christian Gerhartsreiter
20. Mad Christian Scientist
21. Rabbi Mel Gibson
22. Village People
23. Spice Girls
24. Old Spice Dude
25. Cheech and Chong
26. Adam and Eve
27. Edie and Steve
28. Gary Busey with fake Oscar
29. Sarah Palin with fake high school diploma
30. Chuck Berry with toilet plunger
31. Brett Favre with cell phone
32. Nick Nolte with booze bottle
33. David Hasselhoff with cheeseburger
34. Snooki with beer bong
35. Rip Torn waving gun
36. Dick Cheney in hunting gear
37. Jimmy “The Rent is Too Damn High” McMillan
38. Randy Quaid as Canadian Mountie
39. Florence Henderson with Wesson oil
40. Florence Henderson with Greg Brady
41. Donnie and Marie
42. Salt and Pepper
43. Salt-N-Pepa
44. Assault & Battery
45. Charlie Sheen with cheerleader
46. Pregnant cheerleader
    
47. Heidi Montag as Bride of Frankenstein
48. Michael Jackson’s favorite chimp, Bubbles
    
49. “Boy in the Bubble”
50. "Balloon Boy" floating into thin air...

But wait! There's more!

TMG-inspired costumes:

1. Scrim Shaw
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Chief Liam O’Liam
   
   
3. Nan Flanders
4. Member of the Speedwell Guild
5. Pilgrim (gone wild)
6. Crazy Old Man
7. Greyote
8. Greyote disguised as grandmother
9. Carpetbagger (also see: “Johnny Come Lately”)
10. Village People (Townies)

Note: Tiny minds running on empty this month.
Post your own clever ideas in the Comments bar below and we'll keep our list growing.
Happy Halloween! 

 

Police BLOG: Greyote attacks south of Boston; Parker Posey lookalike treated for injuries

Snack attack

Oct 10 -- Greyote accused of biting Parker Posey body-double on independent-film set in Wapatusset village. Police and ambulance called to scene. Minor injuries; no broken skin. Animal rights activist calls it a “misunderstanding” due to mismarked bag from local deli. (Greyote hunting for buffalo chicken upset to find tofu-tabouleh wrap.) Animal may or may not be member of pack involved in dumpster diving/police trousers incident behind bagel shop. Matter under investigation; details to follow.

Old guy gets his gourd

Oct 13 -- Crazy old guy accused of throwing gourds at cars. Two previous counts of throwing crab apples at cars. Man resisted arrest, calling the vegetables “ridiculous” and “pointless.” Police suggested he redirect his anger towards squirrels.

Mazed and confused 

Oct 14 -- Woman calls to report friend missing in corn maze. Says he accompanied her family on day trip but got lost and never returned. Glenn Denver, 34, owner of Sweat Lodge Massage in Wapatusset village (no permanent residence listed), was located after a 3-hour K-9 search and returned to his friend’s barn.

- reported by Agent SS

wARTS to Exhibit Works of Obscure and Often Mysterious Artist

Wapatusset Arts (wARTS) has announced a special exhibit of three recently discovered paintings by Champdu Marcel, who at the end of his career, became a devout follower of both the Dada and Surrealist movements.

Champdu Marcel (file photo)

Marcel (1887-1968), spent much his life in Manhattan but summered in Wapatusset to avoid the city’s simmering heat (he once said that it used to make the back of his neck all dirty and gritty). During his annual New England pilgrimage, the artist would spend daylight hours on Rocky Beach, metal detector in hand, looking for discarded treasures, lost Masonic lodge rings, and spare change.

In the evenings, and until the wee hours of the morn, the artist would create hundreds of original pieces. Signed examples of his early work (Lighthouse, Rowboat, Dilapidated Fence and 3 Seagull, series [1949-1957]), still hang in the four deluxe water-view suites of Wapatusset’s Lobster Trap Inn ($79/night, in-season, includes Cable TV, a 16 oz. bottle of Wapatusset Reservoir Water, and continental breakfast buffet).

“We love his early work, the colors go perfectly with our quilted bed spreads and the beautifully rendered ocean scenes have made windows in our ‘water-view’ rooms virtually unnecessary,” stated hotel manager, C. Wiley Crepes.

“Something happened to his work in the early 60s, his subject matter became more obscure and mysterious. We acquired a couple of works from this, his ‘Scary Hobo’ period, but had to eventually get rid of them. They were just so darn weird – and were scaring away our clientele – especially the young ones.”

Former Marcel, summer landlady, Rose Thorne had this to say about Champdu: “Champy, as we used to call him, was always a joy to be around. He was always quick with a smile and he always carried a slightly obscure and mysterious joke, right on the tip of his tongue.”

Mr. Marcel rented a small room above the Thorne barn, which he converted into a summer studio and living space. “When he drove away in the summer of 1968, we fully expected to see him in the following June,” added Rose. “It was in the middle of November that we first heard about the hay-bailer accident and Champy’s untimely death.”

Recently, Ms. Thorne decided to put the family homestead on the market. As a first step in the home-selling process, Rose called “The Clutter Chick” to engage the company in the junk culling process.

“We found the three framed canvases on the third day of our purge,” remarked Clutter Chick, Millie McGrovan. “We had just stumbled on to a collection of macrame plant hangers and an upright salon hairdryer. There they were, right behind the stuffed Marlin and the Yellow Cab, passenger door!”


The Meatgrinder Incident (1967)

“I’m no art lover, myself,” stated McGrovan. “For me, a bare white wall is a happy wall! You can have your tchotchkes and knickknacks, I subscribe to the Ghandi movement – bed roll, spinning wheel and a glass of Chardonnay.”

The three surrealist masterpieces were eventually transported to the Wapatusset Recycling Center’s, ‘Take-It-Or-Leave-It’ kiosk.

The Tire Changer (1966)

It was last Saturday, when Dina Hannedy, assistant wARTS director, discovered the framed treasures while dropping off 250 lbs. of National Geographics.

“In college, I became a huge Champdu Marcel fan after receiving a free calendar from a local insurance agent. The ‘Twelve months of Marcel,’ featured work from his Big-Eyed Puppy period,” stated a proud Hannedy – as she stood next to the new installation at the wARTS Gallery.


Seven Fish Smoking (1967)

“I recognized Marcel’s signature, right away, [he used to shape the nouns in his name like little hearts) and I knew that these were the three missing paintings from his ‘Cigarette Butt Series.’ There was the mysterious bonfire on Rocky Beach in the summer of 1967, where these pieces were rumored to have been lost. Thankfully, Ms. Thorne’s, a clinician’s definition of a classic pack-rat, had buried them for safekeeping.”

The works will remain on display until Labor Day weekend.

Celebrity Spotting: Movie-star couple eyes multi-million-dollar compound for multicultural orphanage and opium den

Undercover spy photos of mysterious movie star couple, provided by Wapatusset Queen of Realty 2010, Patty Prine

A famous movie-star couple (to remain nameless) is reportedly checking out the fresh-on-the-market $66 million property at Wapatusset Cove. A bedraggled looking man with peculiar beard and six children in tow was initially questioned by police, after a neighbor reported a “vagrant” outside the estate grounds.

The compound includes a 12-bedroom estate, plus a hotel, restaurant and underwater lair. If the sale goes through, the couple plans to hire local town architects to renovate existing buildings and update the New England look to "something a bit more postmodern." Plans would include an opium den, tattoo parlor and sword museum on the ground floor of the home, and a vegan restaurant on the Cove. The hotel would be converted into an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

Stay tuned for breaking news.

- Agent SS

Scrim Shaw, Local Hero Missing (& Presumed Dead)

LATE-BREAKING & ATTENTION GETTING NEWS TIDBIT!

Regular Tiny Mind Gazette contributor and director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League) Scrim Shaw, has been reported missing and potentially a recent recruit within the ranks of the ‘un-living’.

Details to follow as they are developed.

Temperatures Rise as Hibernators Thaw: PoliceBLOG

 

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Several consecutive days of 50º weather lured townspeople and strange animals out of hibernation. It also brought an upswelling of anti-train sentiment, as residents worried about "carpetbaggers" and "good-for-nothings" coming to the quaint village to cause trouble.

Caller reported “hobo” walking near train tracks. Described man as unshaven and carrying a “loot bag.” Woman said he’d “probably come in from the city on the commuter rail, looking to steal hi-fis.”

Man called to say he’d seen several “strangers” walking along Main Street in the past two days. Described one as a “fraudster” and a “vagabond” and said he’d heard that these types were going door to door, selling magazines and Ponzi schemes.

Elderly woman reported “peculiar dog-like animal” had broken into her sun-room and was lying on chaise lounge sipping sherry and snacking on Chex Mix. “He devoured the bowl but apparently did not care for the pretzel bits.” Animal control officer said this sounded like a familiar Greyote predilection and advised woman to keep her snack cupboard and windows locked during warm weather.

 

 Salvatore Bono & Cherilyn Sarkisian (file photo)

Drunk man called to say he'd just seen Sonny Bono try to break into his basement fridge, then told dispatcher to "nevermind."

Casual Friday Gone Too Far
Officer located man fitting hobo description. Man said he was walking home from train station to get exercise. Officer searched “loot bag” (Banana Republic distressed leather bike-messenger-style satchel), and advised man to shave and put on a clean, collared shirt—preferably a Polo (by Ralph Lauren).              

Pilgrim Plot Brewing at Crook Estate
Suspicious noises coming from trailers on construction site of the Crook Estate. Passerby called on cell phone to say she spotted “two short men resembling leprechauns, wearing suits and boots with buckles.” Officers chased men into trailer, where they found a congregation of Pilgrims plotting to claim their rights to native land in the vicinity. Wall map showed both the Crook Estate and Melody Circus circled by arrows and x's. Matter and meeting rights under investigation.

reported and compiled by special agent Sally Sisson