Tiny Mind Gazette

Breaking News: Mafia bust south of Boston?

Police BLOG: Special Report

Just one day after the “biggest mafia bust in FBI history,” police in Wapatusset, a small suburb south of Boston, rounded up eleven alleged mobsters after an exhaustive six-month covert sting op dubbed “Project Sub Shop.” 

O'Liam (hacked file photo)
According to Wapatusset chief of police Liam O’Liam, officers had been casing local Keno machines, pizza joints, donut drive-thrus and sub shops, conducting sophisticated surveillance with equipment obtained during their recent equipment upgrade (enabled by special town override).

Because the suspects were so overweight, O’Liam said it was not hard to nab them. Because most were in their 80s and 90s, they could not remember the crimes they committed. Lined up with wrists in handcuffs and bellies bulging over their polyester slacks, the men caused quite a spectacle in the parking lot of “House of Calzone” on Route 3B. 

"Fatso," "Meathead," "Tony Cannoli," "Veal Parm," "Stumpy," "Dumpy," "Dino the Donut," "Stuffed Shell," "Pasta Fazool," "Hot Gabigole," and "Fried Dough" are all in custody at the Wapatusset Police Department until further notice. 

Already facing accusations of ethnic stereotyping, the police department could not be reached for further comment at this time. Reports of a similar investigation involving pubs in the neighboring "Irish Riviera" community have not been confirmed. 

Stay tuned to details as they unfold.

Weeki Wachee Leads? Who Hacked The Tiny Mind?

As Internet bandits and ruthless hackers continue to wreak havoc in cyberspace, the Tiny Mind Gazette is rapidly working to repair damages to its extremely popular online publication.

Although currently unconfirmed, it looks as though the same group of cyber-hackers that recently brought down two major credit card sites have taken aim at the legendary news source. As the Tiny Mind’s senior leadership staff and lead technologists (some formerly of NASA) operate under “Code Red Status,” the industry-standard site is being quickly pieced together into its proper format.

O'Liam (hacked file photo)

Fortunately, we were able to reach Director of Corporate Security   Liam O’Liam (recently retired chief of the Wapatusset MA Police Department), who had this to say: “It appears that a small group of unsavory hackers broke into the site sometime during the early morning hours. Damages include: the removal of all transitional verbs, adjectives beginning with the letter ‘K’, and any reference to small rodents.”

vandalized masthead (removed 12.10.10)

O’Liam went on to say, “The most perplexing problem is the badly damaged masthead. Whoever was responsible for this crime removed the publication’s regular masthead and replaced it with a crudely built version consisting of random photographs of Weeki Wachee mermaids.”

According to sources deep within the inner-confines of the TMG, an identical version of the original masthead is stored in an underground Iron Mountain® facility, located in a former salt mine somewhere in western Pennsylvania. A retrieval team has been dispersed and should be returning within the next few hours with the replica..

Investigators are not sure of the significance of the underwater mermaid imagery but are actively seeking leads, speculation, and valuable misinformation from the public.

Please stay tuned.