If you see people hobbling around town with bandaged ankles
this week, give them a high five. It’s highly likely they were participants in
the Wapatusset Wonder-K charity run and walk last Sunday afternoon.
A record number of locals came out for the worthy cause. The
course is well known for its dramatic scenery. But without a doubt the
highlight (and some might say raison d’etre) of the race can be summed up in
one word: CORNDOG.
After weeks of training, toning and detoxing bodies, people of
all shapes and sizes flocked to the starting line, eager for the challenge and
hungry for the food at the finish line. “It’s the thing that keeps us going,”
said one runner, too winded to give his name.
See “How the Corndog Became Top Dog” for a detailed history
of how the food product became the race mascot, and how Wonder Bread
saved
Wapatusset from near self-destruction.
Hoaxes, Hurls and Heimlich Maneuvers
Ruiz (file photo)
By all accounts, the race was a huge success. Two minor
incidents were quickly handled by citizens, with no need for police
intervention. The first involved a man (name withheld during investigation) who
pulled a “Rosie Ruiz” and snuck into the race roughly a mile before the finish
line, just so he could get the first batch of corn dogs. He was quickly tackled by a pack of hockey dads.
Another runner, famished after running the Wonder-K in
record speed (and after a week on her green algae smoothie detox diet), wolfed
down two and a half corn dogs before turning a shocking shade of hot pink. Quick-thinking
race coordinator Lyn Fenderbender dashed over to the woman, gave a quick
Heimlich thrust followed by a Lucy Liu karate kick right below the rib cage,
which dislodged the corn dog piece (landing right in the mouth of a nearby
Greyote). Without missing a beat, she then calmly walked over to field
questions from press and paparazzi.
Hot Pants!
Within just 13.5 minutes of finish time, Ralph Goodspeed of
Goodspeed Graphics and his trusty portable printing press churned out hundeds
of commemorative Wonder-K keepsakes. Popular items included “I ate a corndog,
and I liked it” t-shirts and the ever-popular “Wonder Buns” sweatpants. These
items are selling like hotcakes! If you’d like to place an order, leave a
message in the Comments bar at the bottom of this page.
How the Corndog Became Top Dog
Corn dogs? In Wapatusset?
Since the race began 12 years ago, the hot dog in some shape
or form has played center stage. It began with a simple frank rolled in a piece
of white bread. “Many of us thought it was perfectly fine just the way it was,”
explained Hysterical Society spokesperson Midge Higgins. “But three years later
a newcomer moved to Wapatusset with some rather…Midwestern ideas and
sensibilities. I think she was from Pennsylvania.
She volunteered to help with the race and brought along her Fry-o-later and a
carton of frozen corn dogs. They were a huge hit with many of
the… newer residents. So a decision was eventually made to have both the
traditional frank and the corn dog.”
Wonder why?
As the story goes, the split went
through the heart of the town, with the townies on the hot dog side, and
newcomers favoring the corndog. Two years after that there was the bread vs.
bun debate. One selectman (see “crazy old man”) called the buns an extravagant
expense and suggested people bring their own sliced bread from home. As he pointed
out during a memorable speech (wearing his Edwin Meese “Ketchup is a Vegetable”
t-shirt), “They’re already getting free condiments.”
Chamber of Commerce member Jane
Smithers explained what happened next: “So then some young hot-shot B-school
type contacted Wonder bread, and the next thing you know, we’ve got Wonder
bread little league teams, the WonderWagon welcome wagon, and the Wonder-K road race. They said if we switched
from plain bread to the Wonder Bun, they’d give a 30-year supply of Wonder Buns
to the public school cafeterias. It’s a win-win situation!”
Some may remember the revolt two years ago when race
coordinator Lyn Fenderbender attempted to replace the corn dogs with Tofupups. After
being called “un-American” in numerous Letters to the Editor in the local
paper, she consulted her wise neighbor Babs Mullberry, who had lived in the
town for many years and advised her on old Yankee ways. After sampling her
neighbor’s mini hot dogs in ketchup and grape jelly sauce, she was a convert and
even ran out to buy a Sterno set of her own. “The bottom line is, Wapatusset
does not like change,” advised Babs. “And whatever you do, don’t tell them
you’re from New York.”
Fenderbender is now a beloved and well
respected member of the community. She enjoys both corn dogs and traditional
franks, and an occasional Tofupup. However, she draws the line at fried dough: "This is a charity run, not a county fair." Wapatusset
Art Center
spokesperson not available for comment.
- Underground Reporter SS
