Tiny Mind Gazette

Practice Makes Perfect :: microMovie premier by Christopher Harting

 

The Tiny Mind Gazette is proud to be showing Christoper Harting's newest microMovie, "Practice Makes Perfect." The full-featured 1:06 minute, epic adventure features a cast of relatively unknowns engaged in a spring baseball practice. Critics have compared Harting's latest work to other sports movie classics such as Hoosiers, Brian's Song and the critically acclaimed, Catcher in the Rye (see movie still, below). Harting describes his latest masterpiece as, "Spring training plus words of wisdom – at one frame per second."

To see more of Harting's work, please click here.

The Artist’s Guide to Super Bowl Parties

You may be a perfectly well rounded designer, painter, sculptor, architect, actor, aesthete of some sort and have an acceptable knowledge of (and enthusiasm for) American football. For the rest of you, here are some tips for participating in this spirited tradition.

If invited to a Super Bowl party, you have two options:

• politely decline, and find something else to do with other arty friends (watch depressing Swedish film, sit in deserted coffee house…)
• accept invitation and spend the weekend picking an outfit and consulting football stats cheat sheet

The Super Bowl Party Outfit

If you accept the invitation, you must embrace the whole “national pastime” thing and get in the spirit. Leave the black turtleneck and sullen expression at home. You could go for something ironic like a shiny track suit or oversized football jersey with stuffed pillow to portray oversized sports enthusiast, but why not embrace your artistic spirit? Think jock-meets-performance-artist and you’ll be the hit of the party.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Cheesehead hat

The iconic accessory for the Packers fan. Forget the factory-made foam version and create a homemade conversation piece of your own. Think outside the triangle and dream up something unique. Why not incorporate real cheese? A Calder-type contraption balanced on your head could dangle bite-size pieces for the taking. Limburger, stilton, anything ripe and odorous will create a memorable impression. Carry a box of Triscuits as an accessory.

Steelers hat

Okay, this requires some creative thinking. Search your kitchen for anything made of steel. A stainless colander fits nicely on the head and is easy to accessorize. Or make an afro out of Brillo pads or steel wool. Better yet, a Sterno warming tray can hold a vat of mini hotdogs, making you a walking appetizer station. Just be sure to securely attach it to your head and to reinforce with duck tape under the chin.

If you’re more the self-conscious type, you can play up the Andy Warhol (Pittsburgh roots) thing and dress as a Campbell’s soup can or Marilyn Monroe. But then, that’s a bit predictable.

Bitter statement

Pretend you're a fan of a team that didn't make it to the Super Bowl. That gives you more leeway when looking for outfits and accessories. For example, you could bobby-pin a bearclaw pastry to your head, tilted like a beret, and say you're from Chicago. 

Wing theme

If you’re on the fence about who to root for, pick a food theme like nacho cheese sauce or chicken wings. You could stick your head in the cavity of a raw chicken (instant hat!), make two papier mache wings and glue them onto earmuffs, or make a Lady Gaga style “meat dress” with real chicken wings. Splash liberally with wing sauce and Tabasco and you’re good to go!

Remember: it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look. Enjoy!

- by Sally Sisson, TMG fashion and arts correspondent

A/C, Commuter Tunnel and Rooftop Dome Deliver Sweat-Free Lifestyle, 24/7

In a proactive response to global warming trends, the new TOD (Transit Overlay District) Lifestyle Mall is busy constructing a climate-controlled underground tunnel, connecting the mall to the nearby commuter rail station. Commuters will soon be able to walk from home to work, barely breaking a sweat.

Phase two of the construction project will bring a giant plexiglass dome to enclose the Rooftop Lifestyle Lounge. This will allow mall residents and the general public to enjoy Zumba classes, rock climbing, cocktail parties, mini triathlons, and myriad Carnival Cruise type offerings in air-conditioned comfort.

Atkins (on right) (file photo)
Mall architect and lifestyle consultant Alan Q. Atkins (distant cousin of diet guru Dr. Atkins) told the local zoning board the dome will be “bigger than the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, smaller than The Simpsons Movie.” Although he did not provide a scale model, he said it would be “tasteful—trust me.”

Air conditioning will be supplied on a sliding scale basis. The Gilded Cod condo units will have unlimited central A/C; Simply Scrod will have pay-as-you-go controls; and the affordable units in the Clam Strip will have window units in the upstairs bedrooms only.

Stay tuned for updates. For more details on the TOD Lifestyle Mall, see:

Luxury Mega-Mall Living and Hot TODdies with TODd Palin

Scrodwell Offers Seafood Salad of Options at Mega-Mall

Local Video Gamers To Be 'Called-Up' For Military Training Exercises

Well-Calculated Strategic Insight from Military Genius,
Major Jack Mack

Please consider the following conditions:


1. FACT: There is a challenging summer job market for high school and college students. 

   
   
   
   
2. FACT: Many young Wampatusset males (12-21) are forced to hang around home this summer, watching TV or playing Call of Duty (COD) on X-Box Live. This platform features an Internet connection, allowing virtual- killing game play – in multiple, family living rooms, simultaneously.

   
3. There are supposedly Wapatusset-based, covert military operatives, monitoring local COD game play, spotlighting those physically idle teenage boys with with high kill-ratios and extended time periods in front of a TV screen.
   
   

   
   
4. Rumors abound concerning a top-secret intelligence-gathering team, working out of a former storage closet, deep within the Pentagon. These agents are compiling COD win ratios, allowing them to focus in on the best and brightest video warriors.

   
   
   
   
5. FACT: The treacherous Wapatusset streets can only be compared to war-torn Beirut during the worst of times.

   
   
   
   
6. FACT:
   Wapatusset + Summertime = WEDDING FACTORY

   
   
   
   
7. FACT:
   Wedding Guest Monitoring and DUI Enforcement + Extensive Roadwork and Uniformed Flagmen = OVER-WORKED POLICE DEPARTMENT

   
   
8. FACT: 
   The Wapatusset Junior Militia! A win win situation!

As part of the federal government’s economic stimulus package (and due to cumulative COD test scores), the Speedwell Guild, on behalf of the Office of Homeland Security, has  secured a grant to fund the Wapatusset Junior Militia. This will begin forming almost immediately.

All eligible participants will soon be notified concerning their preliminary meeting and screening locations. Marching drills slated for the town common are currently being coordinated by the Wapatusset Recreation Department.

Please allow us to remind you that reporting at your designated time, and to your designated location, is mandatory. Have a great summer!

From Mega-Mansion to Casino Royale?

Seems like there’s a new rumor swirling around Wapatusset each week about the $66 million compound up for grabs at the Cove. Last week we reported that a celebrity movie-star couple with six kids was eyeing the grounds to build an international orphanage and nanny training camp.

This week the buzz is all about gambling. Owners of a mega casino complex in New Jersey are said to be brewing plans for an exclusive seaside gambling and entertainment resort with action-packed gaming options, all-you-can-eat buffets, shopping and nightlife galore!

Reactions from residents have been mixed. “The old-money oil barons must be rolling in their graves,” said Midge Higgins, chair of the Hysterical Society. “This will give the nitwits and naysayers their just desserts,” said old timer Nod Clogsworth, though he declined to elaborate.

“This is exactly the kind of buzz this sleepy town needs,” said Cynthia Smith, real estate agent and newcomer. “Women in Wapatusset and surrounding communities need more full-service spa options. And many of the men who work in finance really miss the thrill of high-stakes trading. Financial regulation has got them down in the dumps, and this could be just the adrenaline boost they need!”

Meanwhile, another rumor has it that members of a long-forgotten Pilgrim tribe (see “Creepy Pilgrim Dudes") are plotting to lay claim to the land around the Cove. This is the same group that was trespassing at the Crook Estate (see “Pilgrims Gone Wild”).

They private group is planning a closed-door meeting at the Speedwell Guild lodge. Miles Broadbrush, current leader of the Speedwell Guild, is also a voting member of the Wapatusset Zoning Board, which could spell a conflict of interest. He was not available for comment.

Reported by Agent SS

Man in Leotard, Bacon, Brooms & Browning: PoliceBLOG

 

Dazed and Bedazzled
Feb 20, 10:20 p.m. - Distress call from Spritzing Rock Pond. Man injured while figure skating. Hit head on rock after attempting twirl, lesions on chest from impact of rhinestone studs bedazzled onto undergarment. “It’s Under Armour, not a leotard,” he told police. “And it’s figure skating, not ice dancing.” Man explained he was attempting twizzle toe loop into combination salchow camel spin. Name withheld upon request.

Bacon Bit
Feb 22, 2:40 p.m. - Police detail requested for Kevin Bacon look-alike autograph signing. While visiting Waputasset Playhouse to rehearse for upcoming production of “Footloose,” man was swarmed by group of desperate housewives. Local genealogist claiming to be both his love-child and his second cousin was escorted away in handcuffs.

Curling Details to be Ironed Out at Summit
Feb 24, 10:34 a.m. - Skirmish during women’s curling match between two Waputasset neighborhood teams: Clayton Place vs. Bott’s Landing. Team CP claimed Team BL should be disqualified for using a Swiffer rather than a regulation O’Cedar bristle broom. Police intervened. Second skirmish involving team pants (Lilly Pulitzer vs. Norwegian Olympic Curling Team knock-off design) erupted but will be settled at the Chardonnay Center/Recreation Department Summit in early March.

All the Wreaths are Brown (and the skies are gray)
Feb 25 – 3:35 p.m. - 2^nd complaint against home with browning wreath on door. Decoration code violation cited. Bylaws state Christmas greenery may be kept on homes and outbuildings (with the exception of port-a-potties) until Valentine’s Day or browning of greens, whichever comes first. Tasteful white lights may be illuminated until Feb 28; however, the deadline for removing colored lights was Jan 15. Violators will be fined in full.

 

reported by Agent SS sallysisson.com

 

“Love is strange—wait ‘til you see my feet.”

I can’t take credit for this headline; it’s from my favorite source of personal ads—the London Review of Books. My husband subscribes for the book reviews, but I go straight to the personals in the back. Truth be told, he does too. Don’t read too much into this; it’s just that they’re a good laugh.

He actually bought me a book of them for Christmas. They Call Me Naughty Lola is a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books. A bit on the inside flap refers to them as “surreal haikus of the heart.” Some are absurd or self-deprecating, others a bit pervy.

The titles are an art form on their own:

Last time I had this much fun, I was on forty tablets a day.

My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer.

Here are some sample ads:

They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill bearded physicist (M, 46).

Romance is dead. So is my mother, Man, 42, inherited wealth. Box no. 7642.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you’re very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

Hi, I’m an intelligent, attractive, cultured, recently divorced woman in her early forties looking for a man whose maxim in life isn’t ‘pull my finger’ or ‘smelt it, dealt it.’ Box no. 5022.

Mature gentleman (62), aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again. Box no. 4131.

I’m a Pisces—which makes you and me a bad match, but how about your good-looking friend? Non-commital, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35). Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.

I am the hunter and you are my quarry. 117-year-old male Viagra bootlegger finally in the mood for a bit of young totty. Which realistically could be any one of you with working hip joints and a minimum 20% lung capacity. Box no. 3112.

TMG Personal Ads Contest!
Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Depending on your age, status and state of mind, this either fills you with the warm-and-fuzzies or utter dread. Kind of like New Year’s Eve. But following the TMG ethos, let’s make it fun. And ridiculous.

Announcing the first annual TMG Personal Ads Contest. Submit a personal ad—or two or three—from yourself, your alter ego, or a fictitious friend. We’ll have winners for categories like Most Pathetic, Most Appealing, Best Catch, Biggest Trainwreck… I don’t know, we’ll make it up as we go along.

Just write something and submit it in the Comments section below.
It’s easy!

For those of you who stumble over your words, here’s a nifty online tool to help. My Profile Writer can generate a clever headline and guide you through the writing process. Think Mad Libs for personal ads. Get to it! (Just keep it PG-13. This is TinyTown, after all.)

My Profile Writer
http://www.myprofilewriter.com/form_me.php

p.s. We'll be sharing personal ads throughout February on our Facebook fan page. If you haven't signed up yet, now's the time!

by Sally Sisson (Sally can be reached at: sallysisson.com)

Morning News Shows Embelish Growing Greyote Fears

 

On the set of the Dewey & Dan Show (file photo)

“Greyote-mania” was the main topic of conversation on all 3 cable access (channel 29), morning shows.

On “Dewey & Dan,” the cackling pair expressed their disappointment in the shortening of the “Turkey Run.” Reductions in law enforcement and safety officers (due to the ongoing “Collar-gate” investigation and the influx of mobile news crews) rendered the event impossible to complete. Within minutes of the blast from the starter’s cannon, a pick-up truck-borne trebuchet misfired – sending a frozen turkey careening off of the roof of a Channel 6, Action News Team truck and through the window of the Ted & Steve’s convenience store. No one was hurt but the lottery ticket dispenser was rendered useless after feeling the force of a 20 lb. Butterball. Lottery officials are currently working to bring the machine back online. There has been no interruption in scratch ticket sales.


“What’s Cook’n with Berty,” featured a lengthy discussion concerning the possible high school mascot change (Skippers to Greyotes). Despite a 60%-40% TMG poll victory, recent revelations concerning the possible malicious and violent behavior of the breed have caused a pause in the pro-Greyote movement. Berty remarked, “While ‘Skippers’ may be a goofy (and slightly wimpy) mascot concept, it is quite possible that the Greyote breed suffers from some sever anger management issues and bad eating habits.” Berty went on to remark that she did not feel that this would not be a positive image for the children of our town.


Speaking of kids, “The Capt’n and Mr. Briquet,” our town’s award-winning childrens’ morning show, did a comedic puppet sketch with “Mr. Turkey & Greyote Gus.” The bit concluded with a scene reminiscent of “Thelma & Louise” – where the pair drove off the road in their extended SUV into a sweet potato casserole, drizzled with melted marshmallows. The sketch also included subtle references to “Dead Man Walking,” another Susan Sarandon classic.

Town’s “Center for International Studies” to sponsor new Thanksgiving Tradition

When you you visit the Stop&Chat® grocery store’s, “You be the Employee,” automated checkout system or any of the Sobering Bank®, ATMs – you are given language choice of either English or Español. This should be proof enough that our town is undergoing a cultural revolution/invasion.

To honor our new Spanish-speaking brethren and bretherinas, the Center for International Studies will be sponsoring the town’s first “Running of the Turkeys” on Saturday, November 21 at noon, in front of the abandoned (and most likely haunted) former Hardware Store. Obviously, a holiday twist on Pamplona Spain’s “Running of the Bulls,” the event will be open to all citizens (including those holding  current Green Cards and Temporary Visas), ages 4 and up.
 
The town’s health department would like to remind everyone that although everything will be done to authenticate the event – live turkeys will not be used. Instead, frozen turkeys will be “shot” out of the beds of highway department vehicles, at various locations through out the village. For those with vegan tendencies, frozen TOFUrkey’s will be used in the areas surrounding the health food store.

As a final reminder, when traveling at speeds up to 30 mph, any form of frozen fowl can quickly become a dangerous object. The Department of Safety is urging all participants, including spectators, to wear proper protective headgear.

We look forward to seeing everyone on Saturday!

Tiny Mind Gazette: Headline Rumors | Afternoon Edition

• Musty Slippers to headline "Greyote-pa-looza" during Spritzing Rock Brewing Company's "SummerFest on the Common." Black Katz, Eagles tribute band, recently added to venue.

• Hamilton&Burr Realtors to host weekend open house at Minot's Ledge Lighthouse. Free ferry service will be available, weather permitting.

• Art Center announces new exhibit: Dogs Playing Board Games. Wine & Kibble opening, slated for evening of December 1.

• Spritzing Rock Brewery to open microbrewery/bistro above Limburger Cheese Test Kitchen in old hardware store location.

• Masseuse, new to town, seeks affordable housing 781-383-6601 If no one home, please leave massage.