Tiny Mind Gazette

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Easter HAMover? Surviving leftovers week, TMG style

Still nursing that Easter HAMover?

Sandpaper tongue? Sausage-like fingers? Strange dreams involving wheat grass juice and Gatorade? For those of you who woke up feeling dehydrated, bloated and a bit over-pickled Monday morning—and are still trying to detox—this one’s for you.

Easter comes but once a year so grab another piece of ham quiche and try some of these favorite TMG traditions. And please send us any tips and recipes of your own. 

Pucker Up!

Three tips for dealing with a classic HAMover:

1. Hair of the Hog: Don’t attempt to detox right away; get right back on the saddle and start off each day this week with a salty “Porky Mary” (preferably with Beefamato and Bacon Vodka), substituting a dill pickle for the celery. Keep up the salt intake with brined suet, Canadian back bacon, or sausage patty on the side.

2. Ham Smoothie: Crank up the Blendtec and let it rip. Ice, bacon fat and 4 cups of diced ham makes enough to fill up that Big Gulp! cup that has not yet made its way to the recycling center.

3. Frozen Ham Pack: Nothing feels better on an aching noggin than a couple pounds of pig meat. Chill overnight in your icebox’s crisper drawer–strap it on, and you’re good to go!

Go Whole Hog!

Three handy uses for leftover ham:

1. Hang strips of ham on rope in middle of garage. Properly placed dangling meat makes a great parking indicator–a greasy splat in the middle of the windshield does the trick! Additional science lesson benefit: see if it turns into ham jerky by June.

2. Use leaf mulcher to make deviled ham; serve on Ritz crackers or toast points at next cocktail party. Tastes great with Hamtinis, HAMstel Lights or Hamaritas (with a rim of extra salt). Leftover deviled ham? Stuff it inside plastic eggs; freeze and hide for the kids next year.

3. Lure wild animals into the confines of your own yard. Get your “Marlin Perkins” on by chucking that suet-enhanced hambone into the backyard, using that deep fishing rig that you either inherited from a dead uncle or “won” at a silent auction.

Your Horoscope By Beau Doni

An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the Great Seer has revelations.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—Oooooo, good 

one this month! Someone in your family is plotting to kill you! But don’t worry. This is just your paranoia being played out by others. Eat bananas to stay calm.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—This is an excellent month to eat more fruit. We have a great deal for our readers. Please call Beau Doni Fruit Sales at 666-678-1000 for specials on fruit. Hurry—supplies are limited.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 19)—No, others do NOT hear the sound of the ocean crashing all day long. Get out and see more of the world. Sheesh.

AlsaceLorraine The Region (March 20)—This is definitely the time to make a job move. Ask for a desk closer to the boss. Hold off on using the copier as a personal x-ray until next month.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)— Your in-laws suspect it was you who left the thing in the place. Either retrieve it or blame it on Ernest. Also: buy a blender; they’re great for making smoothies.

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—I see lots of fruit in your future. Probably tropical.  You need more fiber to keep your temperament in check. How recently have people asked you to “Puh-leeze keep your s*** together???” See what I mean?

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—This is a terrible month to attempt gardening, because Venus is in retrospect. Instead of growing it, stock up on fruit from outside sources.

Lexus The Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend)—Strangers will come to your door with bibles and messages from God. Invite them in and keep plenty of fruit on hand to serve them.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—With the moon’s ascendance, this becomes an excellent month for working, working out, and exercising. Build up a good appetite and eat all the major fruit food groups at least five times a day.

June Brides (The Zillas)— Jupiter is on a spiral axis with your socks, so wash them twice a day (after removing them). A great month for wearing your hair up in French Revolution style and for getting that “secret” tattoo bleached. Yes, you ARE cuter than Miley Cyrus, and that’s (mostly) a good thing.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This will be a month of tough decisions and financial uncertainty. Set aside a small fund to keep an adequate but secret supply of an important food group. (Need we say more?)

Iglesias The Crooner (Toad Hop Day)–Indulge more in music during this period, and by indulge, we mean hum while eating apples, pears, and mangoes, preferably at different times. Though some will tell you otherwise, avoid seeds and the seeding of others this month.

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22)—Use extra moisturizer the next few weeks, especially on your skin.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—The moon is in catharsis this month, so be wary of making any major decisions. If the first couple of days go poorly for you, just stay inside with your blinds drawn all month. Fill your tub with jello.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)—Floss more this week. Speak kindly to those stupider than yourself. Dance as if no one was looking. Disregard my videocam.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)—I had something really important to warn you about but I couldn’t remember by my deadline. Damn, my bad. Ha ha—what can you do? Anyway, stay alert. Meanwhile, eat a quart of strawberries and two pounds of bananas every day.

By Beau Doni, Great Seer, Smeller, Taster, Fruit Vendor Extraordinaire