Moving the baby chicks to get to the milk: Time to clean that fridge!
During my daily morning ritual of opening the fridge for milk for my Cheerios and coffee, a tantalizing aroma pierced my olfactory system.
They say dog paddlers need a good breakfast...breakfast is the most important meal of the day....yadda, yadda, yadda ...but, I was intrigued and had to investigate.
It reminded me of something George Carlin, the King of the Social Critics, once said:
“Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’”
I pushed the baby chickens out of the way to check the milk. (They were eating the corn on the cob left over from a summer barbeque). Perhaps I had misread the expiration date on the milk by calculating the lunar calendar equivalent. Nope, no curds and whey (better known as cottage cheese).
I shook the economy size box of Arm and Hammer baking soda strategically placed in the center of the fridge door. Nope, a poof of delicate powder glazed the safet goggles but it smelled as fresh as the day I put it in there two and a half months ago. I even checked the instructions which said that it “keeps food tasting as it should” and an admonishment to not use the same box for cooking after using in the fridge for the three month cleansing period, as “deodorization will affect the taste after use.”
The Crowned Prince of Social Mischief, Lazlo Toth, (alter ego of “Special Vatican Reporter” Father Guido Sarducci (a.k.a. Don Novello) would be proud that I caught this ironic bit of advice (see Lazlo Toth's letter to the Gold Seal Company concerning keeping the Mr. Bubble dry, dated 18 February 1974, in the Lazlo Letters).
Back to my investigation! Was that some kid’s science fair lava experiments or had the can of whipped cream met it's maker? Interesting, but not the culprit.
Did one of those crazy explorations into foreign cuisine meet its date of fermentation? Nope, the Korean kimchee, the Polish kapusta, and even the beans and rice from El Pollo Loco still had a good shelf life remaining.
I did a simultaneous opening of the meat drawer and the butter holding area with separate hands and nudged open the “Fresh-Lok Hydrator” drawer with my big toe. Nope, nothing that made the eyes water, too much.
The Ragu hadn't grown a Chia Pet Mohawk and even that vinegar “rubber egg” in the pickle jar still had good color.
Where was it? Where was it? I opened the horseradish just to get a little relief.
Then I spotted it hidden back by the hoses that provide a supply of questionably clean water to the ice maker....
...Half of an onion, that unsuspected cause of so many cases of national food poisoning....gelling and oozing and trying to incite the rest of the month's groceries to revolt.
Even the Vietnamese fish sauce (Nuoc Mam) smelled lemony fresh compared to that onion.
I was inspired....driven...the fridge fairies had made their point. I donned the protective gear and mounted a full-on assault on the Frigidaire. Three hours later and the coffee had long gone cold and the Cheerios were bobbing in their own little waves of grain, but the aroma was gone and I had a pretty good idea of what was left for lunch.
The moral of my adventure is: If you love your food, set it free! If it comes back to you, it's yours! If it doesn't, it was probably meant to generate someone else's landfill. –Dr. F
