Tiny Mind Gazette

Scrim Shaw: Support Chowder Schools! Vote 'Yes' on Question 2.

In my classic, well-worn corduroy, old-school way of thinking, voting for Question 2 is a no-brainer.

Chowder Schools are a crucial element in the history and tradition of New England. With recent technological advances including those little hand-held devices that are sucking the life out of life, time-honored cooking activities are rapidly draining from our charmingly unique region.

When was the last time that you enjoyed a delicately balanced and steaming cup of New England's most valuable treasure? Potato shards, fragmented clam pieces, butter, shredded bacon, thick cream all commingling and congealing in perfect heart-punding harmony – YUM!

For this old salt, the epicurean landscape has become congealed with cookie cutter eateries where meals are removed from the freezer, unpackaged, zapped, and slapped onto an awaiting food receptacle. The result is a lukewarm beige substance that tingles the palette with less enthusiasm than a spoonful of latex ceiling paint.

It is a far time that taxpayer dollars are directed to the rejuvenation of a food form soon destined for cardiac arrest and eventual death!

Please join me, Scrim Shaw, and vote 'YES' on Question 2 so that we can build the Chowder Schools necessary to advance and protect a New England gastronomical jewel!

Ironic Hipster Guide to Thanksgiving Dinner

If you’re a true hipster, you probably haven’t given the holiday much thought. Until now. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so it’s probably time to make some plans. And buy some food. Whatever you do, don’t try too hard. Or at least don’t look like you’re trying too hard.  

If you are a so-called ironic hipster, you’ve probably been planning for weeks and are carving a butter-sculpture centerpiece right this minute. In an ugly sweater. We’ve provided some extra tips for those of you looking to do it up, lamestream style.  

Some basic do’s and don’ts to start:

Guests
Invite an assortment of friends, co-workers, black-sheep family members and drifters. Include at least one hipster who looks like a homeless person. 

Table Setting
Do not match silverware. Provide a bucket of utensils, e.g., chopsticks, recycled sporks, tarnished serving spoons, Swiss Army knife, coffee stirrers, sticks. Heck, do not even use silverware. 

Do not set table in advance. Mix camping utensils, Boy Scouts canteen kit and fast-food take-out containers (cleaned) with heirloom china.

Serve wine (in-a-box) in old jelly glasses or plastic Pokemon cups. Again, do not match. 

Food 
Whatever.  

Dessert 
Do not serve pies. See “Ironic Hipster” ideas below. Or just smoke cigarettes.  

Music 
Records only, but nothing from a major label. Do not play anything on current college-radio top 10 lists. Heck, do not play music, period. 

Ironic Hipster Ideas 
Make a table centerpiece out of individually-wrapped Twinkies. Get creative and make a Jell-o mold turkey with a fan of Twinkies as turkey feathers. Or whatever.  

Green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup; sweet potato casserole with marshmallows. Duh!  

Make a playlist of Perry Como and Robert Goulet Christmas classics, mixed with some death metal. 

Alternative plan: Shave beards, set hair with curlers, and dress like 1950s sitcom family members. Disregard all hipster rules above and set perfect table and traditional turkey dinner. Order from restaurant if necessary.  

Happy Thanksgiving! 

See these past TMG articles for more ironic Thanksgiving menu ideas: 

The Sweet Potato Casserole Conundrum 

Thanksgiving Stuffing Cook-Off with Paula Deen 

10 Tiny-Minded Tips for Hyper-Local Holiday Shopping

Smug online evangelists may challenge you to stay away from mega-malls and goods made in China this holiday season. At TMG we take it a step further and say: Why leave the house?? 

Clean out the closets, comb through the dust bunnies, and get creative with what you've got. Here are some nifty, thrifty gift ideas to get you in the right mindset: 

1. Bedazzle a pair of your wife's/daughter's jeans; giftwrap and hide under tree. 

2. Grow your own Giggle smoke.

3. Make your own snowglobe with your own dandruff sprinkled inside a recycled lightbulb.

4. Make your own bathtub gin.

5. Make turkey jerkey: Dry out leftover Thanksgiving turkey in your garage for 25 days. 

6. Grow your own hydroponic Zombie weed. 

7. Shoot squirrels in back yard; use fur to make fake Ugg boots.

8. Steal neighbor's lawn ornaments. Decorate and re-gift. 

9. Mix several different kinds of shampoo together in a recycled bottle. Create an alluring name on a hand-written label. 

10. Rather than the traditional orange-stuck-with-cloves, cut down your carbon footprint and  find local fruit (like an aged crabapple) and decorate with fragrant alternative (Pakalolo stems, old TicTacs...) -- and/or bedazzle for the perfect hostess gift. 

Got more ideas for hyper-local shopping? Leave in the Comments field below! 



 

Irish Riviera Pub Brawl Postpones Annual Columbus Day Parade

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

This has been an unfortunate year for parades in Wapatusset. After last spring's debacle (see "St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed Over Potato-Throwing Protest March" and continued controversy over the MLK Day Diversity Parade, the town has agreed to form a citizen's commission to plan upcoming public celebrations. All interested should respond in the Comments section below.

Vonco XTreme Dizaster® Suit and Armor

These days, one never knows when an earthquake, hailstorm, hurricane, meteorite or swarm of locusts could hit your neighborhood. Now there’s a comfortable, semi-breathable, partially waterproof suit you can don any day of the year, “just in case”…

Vonco XTreme Dizaster® Suit and Armor

add-on Hurricane Windshield /Visor/ Hair Net and Earthquake Shock-Absorber Platform Shoes sold separately

 Vonco, the makers of the best-selling “Happy Helmet” lightbox and the iSpa®Z mobile cooling device have launched a new line of XTreme weather and natural disaster gear. Popular items include: 

Zip-up All-Weather Parachute Suit 

• Manufactured in China from cheap rain ponchos discarded at sporting events, used fire blankets and an unknown adhesive.
• Product comes with handy food storage pouch and a six-week supply of Pillsbury Space Food Sticks.

Earthquake Shock-Absorber Platform Shoes 

• Style ripped off from the fashionable Famolare 4-wave heel designed of the 1970s.
• Seismic building technology developed by unpaid interns studying Internet diagrams. 

Shock aborber "wave" technology able to withstand shaking amplitude of 3.1. *Remember, in a declared state of emergency, follow instructions from government officials.
In all other instances, follow TMG instead.

- by Technology, Fashion and Crime correspondent, S. Sisson

Seersucker overload, Gull culled by Choo shoe, O.O.T.R.R.: It's the Police BLOG!

Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.

7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]

7/17, 6:20pm – Caterer suffers multiple seizures after serving hors d'oeuvres to elderly men wearing multiple patterns of plaid seersucker pants. According to paramedics, victim (from Midwest) had no prior experience with this visual phenomenon.

7/21, 12:10am – Crowd dispersed after complaints of loud noise Wapatusset Harbor parking lot. Surveying evidence (generic brand potato chip bag and crushed cans of Schlitz), police chief Liam O’Liam blames “out-of-town riff-raff.”

- report by crime, fashion and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Easter HAMover? Surviving leftovers week, TMG style

Still nursing that Easter HAMover?

Sandpaper tongue? Sausage-like fingers? Strange dreams involving wheat grass juice and Gatorade? For those of you who woke up feeling dehydrated, bloated and a bit over-pickled Monday morning—and are still trying to detox—this one’s for you.

Easter comes but once a year so grab another piece of ham quiche and try some of these favorite TMG traditions. And please send us any tips and recipes of your own. 

Pucker Up!

Three tips for dealing with a classic HAMover:

1. Hair of the Hog: Don’t attempt to detox right away; get right back on the saddle and start off each day this week with a salty “Porky Mary” (preferably with Beefamato and Bacon Vodka), substituting a dill pickle for the celery. Keep up the salt intake with brined suet, Canadian back bacon, or sausage patty on the side.

2. Ham Smoothie: Crank up the Blendtec and let it rip. Ice, bacon fat and 4 cups of diced ham makes enough to fill up that Big Gulp! cup that has not yet made its way to the recycling center.

3. Frozen Ham Pack: Nothing feels better on an aching noggin than a couple pounds of pig meat. Chill overnight in your icebox’s crisper drawer–strap it on, and you’re good to go!

Go Whole Hog!

Three handy uses for leftover ham:

1. Hang strips of ham on rope in middle of garage. Properly placed dangling meat makes a great parking indicator–a greasy splat in the middle of the windshield does the trick! Additional science lesson benefit: see if it turns into ham jerky by June.

2. Use leaf mulcher to make deviled ham; serve on Ritz crackers or toast points at next cocktail party. Tastes great with Hamtinis, HAMstel Lights or Hamaritas (with a rim of extra salt). Leftover deviled ham? Stuff it inside plastic eggs; freeze and hide for the kids next year.

3. Lure wild animals into the confines of your own yard. Get your “Marlin Perkins” on by chucking that suet-enhanced hambone into the backyard, using that deep fishing rig that you either inherited from a dead uncle or “won” at a silent auction.

TMG's 7 Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering (again)

Fundraising season is in full swing in Wapatusset, USA. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blonde rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.

To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought it might be a good time to re-publish our Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.

As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand while balancing a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.

Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activities—and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches—the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. 

The Seven Rules.

1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way this word is interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating’ means NOTHING in the middle of March!

2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt, and on the same day he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’

3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.

5. A Decorated Basket with Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest, Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.

6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?

7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. 5 Lessons with Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby.
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! ‘Run like the wind, Bullseye!’

Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!

- by TMG publisher/social critic Mr. T. Benchley; originally published in May, 2010

10 Hangover Cures for St. Patrick's (Recovery) Day

Feeling a Little Green Today?
Try these TMG-tested pick-me-ups to get you back in the pink.

1. Hair of the Dog Irish Mimosa: Use beer glass instead of champagne flute. Fill half way with plum juice instead of orange juice and substitute one cup of green beer instead of champagne. Shave dog. Add three hairs. Strain through green tiara from night before. Sip.

2. Hangover Helper: Take a box of Uncle's Ben Converted Rice, bring water to boil. Empty out the rice. Cook the box until it is al dente. Sprinkle with celery salt—you, not the box. Serve with Alka-Seltzer. (TMG is going for awesome product placement fees this week).

3. Go to tanning salon. Ask for green filters on the hot lights. Set phasers to “stun.” Cook for 15 minutes.

4. Dunk head in pot of briny corned beef cooking water. Keep submerged for 8 seconds. Gently pat dry with towel.

5. Shove half a cabbage head under the armpit of your drinking arm. Rub the cabbage clockwise in the northern hemisphere and anticlockwise in the south. Stand on one foot.

6. Voodoo cure: Stick 13 black push pins in the cork of the bottle you drank from night before. Spear cans of beer. Cast spell on co-worker.

7. Take your mind off your aching head by retracing your steps from last night to find all your missing clothes and returning the clothes you're now wearing to their original owner(s).

8. The “What Will and Won't Work” Smoothie: (combine remedies from all the experts)

• Take hot shower; fill mug 1/4 full with hot water.
• Take cold shower; fill same mug to halfway point with cold water.
• Get out of shower, get dressed and pour a shot of coffee and a shot of pickle juice.
• Pour shots into shaker and jog to grocery store and get orange juice (with shaker in hand).
• Run back to house and add one shot of orange juice.
• Sleep four more hours.
• Wake up and drink smoothie (with shamrock garnish).

9.  Medieval miracle cure: Chew dried eel for 2 minutes but no not swallow. Make facial scrub with ground swallow’s beak, bitter almonds and salt pork. Do not bathe for 3 weeks.

10. Circle your calendar for March 17, 2011 and start training today!

- compiled by the friendly staff and unpaid interns at TMG