Wapatusset tennis mom leads double life as Russian double
agent
Name(s): Olga Osetra, Vladlena Von Stroganoff, Siegfrieda
Shtarker, Natasha Fatale*
Aliases: Muffy Milken, Bebe Boesky
Favorite T.V. show: Get Smart
Cocktail of choice: Vodka martini (straight up, two herrings)
*according to multiple passports; currently under
investigation
TMG search for most Unpatriotic American uncovers top-secret
surprise!
Fully integrated into suburban life in the upscale seaside
community of Wapatusset, this Russian double agent operated well under the
radar of government authorities for four years and two months. Tennis mom by
day, socialite by night, “Muffy” (as she is known in Wapatusset) was a staple
at yacht club parties and art show openings, and sat on the board of directors
at the Institute of Chardonnay
Studies.
Days after moving to town from New
Jersey in 2006, she cropped her brunette locks, going
for a cross between the “Hingham
helmet” and “soccer mom bob” styles recommended by local hairdresser Andrei
Boris. He then sent her straight to the colorist down the street for a
full-head treatment of blonde Formula 02025 to complete the package.
She took tennis lessons, joined the PTA,
and spent hours supervising her landscaping crew as they tended to her
manicured lawn and hydrangeas. Last year she even bought a Prius(retrofitted
with a V-8 engine and enlarged gas tank). If it weren’t for the hard work of a hard-hitting
investigative journalist at TMG, Muffy would still be sipping Chardonnay at her book
club and selling secrets on the side.
Gotcha! How the spy was snagged
This past week, while the TMG editorial staff was combing
the 50 states for uber-patriots (see “Most Patriotic People in America”) our publisher/design
guru was holding down the fort—or so we thought. In his quest to find the most
UNpatriotic person in America
he scoured every watering hole in Wampatusset (and environs within a 10 mile
radius), chatting up strangers and eavesdropping on suspicious conversations,
day and night.
Although he encountered a fair amount of liberal-East-Coast-media-elite
bias, it was hard to find the radical hard-line Unabomber type he had in mind. This
was exhausting investigative work, and although after a 5-night bender his wife
kicked him out of the house and forced him to sleep in the shed with the dog, he carried
on, in the name of quality journalism and patriotic duty.
Then, one night, when he least expected it, he spotted her. She
was sitting at the bar at the Chardonnay Institute, sipping a well chilled
vodka martini. The KAOS tattoo on her left shoulder was a dead giveaway. Little
did he know he’d find he’d find the most un-patriotic person in the entire
country right here in his own home town.
Because the case is under investigation, we cannot divulge
the details of the subsequent conversations between TMG, the Wapatusset Police
Department, and the FBI at this time. Stay tuned for developing news and
interviews.
Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.
Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.
Rev. Pines (file photo)
The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”
He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."
Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.
Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.
The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.
Kick-Start Your Summer Starbucks will have extended hours during the second and
third weeks of June to accommodate frazzled parents ferrying children to
end-of-school year activities. Extra caffeine shots are half price. The Dr.
Feelgood Special offers a blast of B vitamins, 4 shots of espresso, and a
mystery ingredient sure to give you a brighter outlook on suburban life.
Mark Your Calendars! The elementary school’s annual Freakin’ Flip-Flop Day(Monday)
is sure to be a smashing success. Parents, remember to charge your video
cameras and to wear flip flops and wacky mismatched clothing to watch your
children compete in three-legged races and silly soccer drills ‘n’ skills.
Tuesday is Kickin’ Krocs Day and the Kumon Kompetition for
grades 3-5. Kids should wear their Krocs (Crocs) and get ready to “kick some
butt” in the Matholympics Marathon and Baseball Pitching Clinic contests.
Wednesday is the Bring-Your-Pets-to-School Day/Animal Shelter Bake Sale and Thursday is
Teacher Appreciation/Ice-Cream Sundae/Poetry Slam Day. Friday is the pancake
breakfast, followed by the Flag Day/Arbor Day Ceremony and Flute-O-Phone
Concert.
Lawn parking is available for as many SUVs as humanly
possible; carpooling is discouraged. On Saturday afternoon in the darkened
auditorium there will be a special video showing of the entire week’s
festivities for working mothers and deadbeat dads.
Wind-Down Week The Chardonnay Center of Adult Education will host extended
hours and life-coach sessions the last week of June for parents who already
need a break. Babysitting, enrichment classes and tutoring services are
available.
With Memorial Day around the corner, we’re sure you’re all busy switching around closets and desperate for fashion tips. Burning questions abound over when to don those bright whites, Nantucket reds and seersucker suits (where's Scrim Shaw when you need him?) Starting from the ground up, each week the forward-fashion editors at TMG will help you navigate the do’s and don’ts of the summer season in upper-tier suburbs across the country.
FEET FIRST What do foot fetishists, metro men and Wapatusset women have in common? All understand the importance of classic fashion and impeccable grooming from the knee down. Come summer it’s time to clip, nip, buff, polish, shave and inspect before baring those toned calves and adorable toes to local society. And that’s between mandatory biweekly spa pedicures. (Tip for men: the new Ped Egg for Men now comes in XL and a masculine shade of black.)
TIPS FOR MEN
Shoes and socks When bike riding, wear white ankle or no-show socks and sneakers. Fancy bike shoes are fine for racers or posers. Under no circumstances should one wear white socks with black loafer-style dress shoes. If running shoes have gone missing, buy new ones. Right away. Do not embarrass your wife and children.
This odd white-sock-with-black-shoe combo is an inverse of the classic English/German tourist look. Note that black socks worn with shorts and any shoe or sandal combo is for foreigners only. Or senior citizens.
Socks and sandals Speaking of socks and sandals: Unless you're 70 or older, this is not acceptable. Birkenstocks with musty rag socks are the one exception, but only if you look the part.
Socks and flip flops TAFKAP(The Artist Formerly Known as Prince) is the only person allowed to wear this combo. He invented it, and he’s a freak.
TIPS FOR WOMEN Paging Dr. Scholl Corns, calluses, bunions, bunionettes? Sorry, dear, it’s best to cover up. A cute pair of Keds should do the trick.
Hairy situations Oscar winner Mo'Nique's mishap on the red carpet was a wakeup call to all. When cameras caught a sneak peak of her furry leg through the slit in her gold lame gown, her image plummeted from bodacious to Bigfoot in an LA minute. Don't let this happen to you!
If you want to go Earth Mother, you should probably move out of Wapatusset. Might we suggest Santa Cruz or Portland, Maine. If you choose to stay and hold your head high, just be sure to wear Earth Mother garb to match. That way people will know it’s intentional. Grow your armpit hair to match, get a Subaru, sport numerous toe rings. Just don’t try to dress it up. If forced to wear a bridesmaid gown or perky sundress and sandals, you must shave or buy a case of Nair. Period.
Never think you can hide hairy stubble with long skirts or pants. One never knows what will happen in summer. Impromptu wardrobe switches, freak thunderstorms, yacht club parties and innocent croquet games that lead to middle-aged skinny dipping... It's not always pretty.
Mind Your P's and QT's It’s expected that you’ll achieve a certain level of bronzing by early to mid summer. This is Wapatusset, not Greenwich Village.
If you’re fair-skinned, consider a spray tan or tanning lotion. Just remember to spray the feet as well, to avoid the Lindsay Lohan look.
Watch the clip below clip to get in mood for summer fun, and remember to be safe in the sun!
The Wapatusset Police’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit has been actively conducting intensive surveillance operations (ISO) and semi-covert and moderately clandestine investigative activities (SCMCIA), in and around local hair removal and management facilities.
Without the appropriate chemistry local salons will continue to remain empty.
The uptick in police activity is the result of a major burglary at the Salon Follicules Indomptées, (formerly ‘Hair, Hair The Gang’s All Hair’). Late Tuesday night, an individual (and perhaps an accomplice), entered the salon’s rear storage room by tunneling through the building’s foundation from the cordials aisle of the adjacent liquor store, The Village Whiner.
The cash register was left untouched, but a large three-ring binder and several bottles of chemicals have been reported missing.
The Tiny Mind Gazette, has learned that the binder contained the recipe for Formula 02025 and the dozen or so plastic bottles contained the only known premixed bottles of the super-secret solution – known locally as Blonde Ambition or The Blonde Side.
“Imagine if the Colonel’s secret recipe was missing or better yet, if some Commie Russians cracked the Big Mac code for the special sauce!,”stated cosmetologist-in-training and salon assistant manager, Chris Follicle. “I am sure that not even Hairdo-Guru, Paul Mitchell, had to deal with entanglement like this – even on his worst bad hair days."
For a town with a female blonde population that greatly exceeds any Scandinavian country’s per capita statistics– the heist of Wapatusset’s favorite hair dye is not only a severe blow to the local hair care industry but experts fear a severe disruption in the village’s collective positive self-esteem.
Lahmp in 'lighter mood' file photo
“Even in my dreams, I see myself as a blonde. I am not sure if I am capable of going through life as a brunette – or worse yet, a redhead! – OH (long pause) MY (long pause) GOD!,” stated a severely verklempt, Tiffany Lahmp, Reigning Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves and 2008 Miss Wapatusset Water Department, runner-up.
O'Liam says police department remains 'clueless'. file photo
Our own investigative news team was able to reach lead CSI detective, Liam O’Liam, who had this to say – “We need to get to the roots of the problem before someone else dyes.”
Pines, candlelight vigil expert & co-owner of Wapatusset Parrafin Supply Company file photo
An ecumenical candlelight vigil will be held at 7:30pm on Thursday evening at the Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower. The service will be lead by Reverend Torrie Pines, a recovering Toe Head, who has recently allowed himself to go gray.
Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates as we continue to comb for more details.
There are several indications that it is Fundraising season in Wapatusset. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blond rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.
To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought that it might be a good time to publish the Tiny Mind Gazette’s Seven Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.
As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’ Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand since they are trying to balance a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.
Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activites and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches – the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. This time they sign their name with their correct writing hand but in comparing the signatures, the first is a little less shaky, the ‘t’s’ are crossed and the ‘i’s’ are dotted.
The Seven Rules.
1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway. Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way that this word is individually interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating,” means NOTHING in the middle of March!
2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia. Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt and on the same day, he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest, hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’
3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame – PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.
4. Sea Glass. Just say NO. Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.
5. A Decorated Basket filled Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler. Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest – Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.
6. Sporting Event Tickets. Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets, and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?
7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. Five Lessons with Renowned Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! “Run like the wind, Bullseye!”
Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!
Fashion Police The Wapatusset police department has requested a special budget override in order to upgrade its uniforms and accessories. Police chief Liam O’Liam explained that recent events have revealed the need for the force to update both its equipment and its image. As his assistant Tony D’Anthony put it, “The light blue short-sleeved shirt is so 1992.”
Given the department’s new diet and fitness mandate (issued by O’Liam after the recent manhunt), several officers have had to tailor their uniforms or use safety pins to keep their pants up. “With more officers on bicycles and kayak patrols, we have different apparel needs,” explained the chief. “Wapatusset is a very fitness- and appearance-oriented community. Image matters.”
The department has requested two-tone reflective bike polo shirts and matching stretch zip-off bike pants; Pearl Izumi PRO Versa camouflage bike shorts with cushioned Coolmax padding; and XTerra Vendetta wet suits.
Puffy Pig, Al, Bill, and Steele (file montage photo)
Reno 9-1-1 vs. Remington Steele D’Anthony explained that due to dramatic weight loss throughout the force, they have had to rummage through boxes of 30-year-old hand-me-downs to find shorts that fit. “It's like forcing Remington Steele to wear Bill Clinton's running shorts," complained Tony D. "Some of these are totally Reno 9-1-1."
"In terms of image, I'd say we're much more CSI. We could use some decent Dockers at the very least.”
CSI: Wapatusset Liam O’Liam explained that in order for the force to “leverage its core competencies” it needed “best in breed” products that perform under pressure. The recent incident with the faulty belt buckle served as both an embarrassment and a wake-up call to the department. “If an officer ends up with his pants around his ankles, it can be a life-or-death situation,” said O’Liam. “This is no laughing matter.”
As for accessories, the force seeks to upgrade its Smith & Wesson handcuffs from the nickel finish to brushed steel. Stating that “the synthetic leather is just not cutting it,” it seeks to upgrade all belts to Brooks Brothers and holsters to Blackhawk Level II in a matte finish. Tony D. explained the need for multiple holsters per officer. “We’ve got a lot to carry, especially in summer—tasers, handguns, animal repellent, sunscreen, dog biscuits, handcuffs and Crystal Lite.”
Residents will have the opportunity to vote on this budget override on Saturday at the Wapatusset Town Hall.
Most of Wapatusset was awoken early Sunday morning by a reverse-911 call from Police Department, dispatcher (and former head of the CSI unit) Liam O’Liam – warning of a dangerous fugitive that had escaped police custody, tumbled down a stairwell with a startled officer, spilled coffee and donuts everywhere – and then ran into the woods.
O'Liam (file photo)
Reverend Torrie Pines of the Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church was forced to cancel morning services as most of his congregation remained huddled in their locked abodes – awaiting further word from Officer O’Liam. The town’s population of Labradoodles, Yorkipoos, Pomapoos, and other designer dogs were left in their crates as regularly scheduled weekend walks were postponed.
“Unfortunately, a unicycle is not recognized as a viable vehicle for our town’s triathlon,” remarked middle school gym teacher and triathlon coordinator, Slim Splints. “With the proper equipment the outcome of Wolfe’s now impending trial – I see Mr. Chittister as a potential finalist in this year’s town event.” “At least in the Freestyle or Whacked-Out Fugitive Division of the contest,” added Mr. Splints.
Interviewed later in his holding cell, Mr. Chittister explained his version of the morning shenanigans(a word that we longed to use on March 17 –but frankly couldn’t find the right sentence structure in which to place it).
It seems as though, the 65º+ f temperatures forced Mr. Chittister to rethink his black designer turtleneck that he had been wearing continuously since November 9. It was upon removing his turtleneck and a following quick lavatory mirror facial scan – that Mr. Chittister noticed the quite prominent “CJ” tattoo now present on his neck.
“How in the HELL did this get here?” screamed a startled Chittister. “I have a job interview on Monday at the Rockaway Savings Bank!” “What kind of company is going to hire a loser with a neck tattoo!” Witnesses claim that this is when the wannabe Bacon ‘lost it.’
We all know that some pretty weird things happen during the long Wapatusset winter months and a mysterious neck tattoo is not the worst story that we have heard. Thankfully, Mr. Chittister is safely behind bars – writing his memoirs and wondering what the ‘CJ’ stands for. Criminal Justice, perhaps? We’ll have to wait and see.
Please be safe, keep your doors locked – and ‘think before you ink’.
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves Several consecutive days of 50º weather lured townspeople and strange animals out of hibernation. It also brought an upswelling of anti-train sentiment, as residents worried about "carpetbaggers" and "good-for-nothings" coming to the quaint village to cause trouble.
Caller reported “hobo” walking near train tracks. Described man as unshaven and carrying a “loot bag.” Woman said he’d “probably come in from the city on the commuter rail, looking to steal hi-fis.”
Man called to say he’d seen several “strangers” walking along Main Street in the past two days. Described one as a “fraudster” and a “vagabond” and said he’d heard that these types were going door to door, selling magazines and Ponzi schemes.
Elderly woman reported “peculiar dog-like animal” had broken into her sun-room and was lying on chaise lounge sipping sherry and snacking on Chex Mix. “He devoured the bowl but apparently did not care for the pretzel bits.” Animal control officer said this sounded like a familiar Greyote predilection and advised woman to keep her snack cupboard and windows locked during warm weather.
Salvatore Bono & Cherilyn Sarkisian (file photo)
Drunk man called to say he'd just seen Sonny Bono try to break into his basement fridge, then told dispatcher to "nevermind."
Casual Friday Gone Too Far Officer located man fitting hobo description. Man said he was walking home from train station to get exercise. Officer searched “loot bag”(Banana Republic distressed leather bike-messenger-style satchel), and advised man to shave and put on a clean, collared shirt—preferably a Polo(by Ralph Lauren).
Pilgrim Plot Brewing at Crook Estate Suspicious noises coming from trailers on construction site of the Crook Estate. Passerby called on cell phone to say she spotted “two short men resembling leprechauns, wearing suits and boots with buckles.” Officers chased men into trailer, where they found a congregation of Pilgrims plotting to claim their rights to native land in the vicinity. Wall map showed both the Crook Estate and Melody Circus circled by arrows and x's. Matter and meeting rights under investigation.
reported and compiled by special agent Sally Sisson
Dazed and Bedazzled Feb 20, 10:20 p.m. - Distress call from Spritzing Rock Pond. Man injured while figure skating. Hit head on rock after attempting twirl, lesions on chest from impact of rhinestone studs bedazzled onto undergarment. “It’s Under Armour, not a leotard,” he told police. “And it’s figure skating, not ice dancing.” Man explained he was attempting twizzle toe loop into combination salchow camel spin. Name withheld upon request.
Bacon Bit Feb 22, 2:40 p.m. - Police detail requested for Kevin Baconlook-alike autograph signing. While visiting Waputasset Playhouse to rehearse for upcoming production of “Footloose,” man was swarmed by group of desperate housewives. Local genealogist claiming to be both his love-child and his second cousin was escorted away in handcuffs.
Curling Details to be Ironed Out at Summit Feb 24, 10:34 a.m. - Skirmish during women’s curling match between two Waputasset neighborhood teams: Clayton Place vs. Bott’s Landing. Team CP claimed Team BL should be disqualified for using a Swiffer rather than a regulation O’Cedar bristle broom. Police intervened. Second skirmish involving team pants (Lilly Pulitzer vs. Norwegian Olympic Curling Team knock-off design) erupted but will be settled at the Chardonnay Center/Recreation Department Summit in early March.
All the Wreaths are Brown (and the skies are gray) Feb 25 – 3:35 p.m. - 2nd complaint against home with browning wreath on door. Decoration code violation cited. Bylaws state Christmas greenery may be kept on homes and outbuildings (with the exception of port-a-potties) until Valentine’s Day or browning of greens, whichever comes first. Tasteful white lights may be illuminated until Feb 28; however, the deadline for removing colored lights was Jan 15. Violators will be fined in full.
