Tiny Mind Gazette

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

5 Tips for Stretching Thanksgiving Leftovers

The TMG Thrifty Person's Guide, Vol. 1

1. Turkey Nuggets:

Grind remaining turkey scraps, skin and carcass in leaf mulcher or stump grinder. Throw in some stale breadcrumbs and Lawry’s seasoning salt. Mold into nugget shapes – or get creative with the kids and try some crazy animal shapes! Bake or deep-fry. Keep refrigerated in air-tight container until Christmas.

2. Puttin’ on the Ritz:

Chop leftover turkey into bite-sized pieces; freeze in ziplock bag. Press spoonfuls of leftover stuffing into empty ice tray and freeze. Prepping for your holiday party will be a cinch: Defrost the chunks of leftovers, place in layered fashion on Ritz crackers, and top with a dollop of cranberry sauce.

3. Smokin’ Turkey:

Many of our more fashionable readers are familiar with Le Whif, the smokable chocolate and coffee products. TMG thought this might be just the ticket for people still craving the holiday fixings but not the calories or post-meal bloat.

Our R+D team tried its own homemade version with dried, diced turkey. The quality was mixed, based on the stability of the rolling/wrapping material. In the end a corncob pipe was determined to be the most satisfactory, and dark meat was favored over white for its richer flavor.

4. Turkey Martini:

Flavored martinis continue to be a bit hit at our local fern bars and watering holes. After yoga class and before book club, ladies need a little protein pick-me-up. Especially during holiday shopping season. That's why our favorite mixologist at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies came up with his own hearty concoction: vodka, pureed cranberry sauce, and turkey jerkey. It's a great way to get antioxidants and protein, and still look good in your yoga pants.

5. Deep-Fried Stuffing

This Paula Deen classic is just as good with leftovers -- and a good way to get more mileage out of the gallons of oil left over from your deep-fried turkey cooking. Fry globs of leftover stuffing, or make corndog style creations by molding stuffing around leftover turkey chunks on a stick. Cool for 3 minutes before serving.

 Bon Appetit!

-- recipes by the TMG Test Kitchen editorial staff and unpaid interns

A/C, Commuter Tunnel and Rooftop Dome Deliver Sweat-Free Lifestyle, 24/7

In a proactive response to global warming trends, the new TOD (Transit Overlay District) Lifestyle Mall is busy constructing a climate-controlled underground tunnel, connecting the mall to the nearby commuter rail station. Commuters will soon be able to walk from home to work, barely breaking a sweat.

Phase two of the construction project will bring a giant plexiglass dome to enclose the Rooftop Lifestyle Lounge. This will allow mall residents and the general public to enjoy Zumba classes, rock climbing, cocktail parties, mini triathlons, and myriad Carnival Cruise type offerings in air-conditioned comfort.

Atkins (on right) (file photo)
Mall architect and lifestyle consultant Alan Q. Atkins (distant cousin of diet guru Dr. Atkins) told the local zoning board the dome will be “bigger than the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, smaller than The Simpsons Movie.” Although he did not provide a scale model, he said it would be “tasteful—trust me.”

Air conditioning will be supplied on a sliding scale basis. The Gilded Cod condo units will have unlimited central A/C; Simply Scrod will have pay-as-you-go controls; and the affordable units in the Clam Strip will have window units in the upstairs bedrooms only.

Stay tuned for updates. For more details on the TOD Lifestyle Mall, see:

Luxury Mega-Mall Living and Hot TODdies with TODd Palin

Scrodwell Offers Seafood Salad of Options at Mega-Mall

Advice & Subterfuge by Nan Flanders

 


Nan is a long-time resident of Wapatusset and has a PhD in social psychology from the Tell it Like It Is Online Institute. Her book, In Any Other Town I’d be Rich & Skinny: Lessons from the Bottom Rung of a Fast-Climbers’ Ladder, has recently been banned from the Wapatusset Public Library.

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Dear Nan:
Over the past few months I have been invited to no fewer than 15 “trunk shows” held at the homes of friends and acquaintances from Wapatusset. Goods have ranged from clamshell-bedazzled skinny jeans to gasoline-powered massage tools to edible wine charms and recycled jug-wine decanter kits (acetylene torch included). I would like to support my well-meaning friends who are starting these new ventures, but frankly, my idea of a good time is not speed-sipping quarts of Pinot Grigio and buying crap I don’t need. My home is already overrun with decoupaged lamp shades. Please advise.

 

Signed,
Trunk Show Burnout

Dear Burnout:
Ahhhh. We were waiting for this question to come across our desks. Oh so complex an issue, yet so simple an answer: Politely decline all invitations. Allow us to print your real name and then head to your Panic Room. We promise you, there will be no more festively decorated envelopes in your nautically-themed mailbox. And that includes perkily cheerful invites to: festive holiday napkin swaps, navel adornment seminars, takeout food rewarming sessions, and book groups. Bon chance.

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Dear Nan:
My husband is constantly commenting on a very fit neighbor whose “butt cheeks are so tight she could crack walnuts.” I’ve tried to combat his comments with humor and have even ramped up my own personal training time to 20 hours a week, but nothing gives. Now, I feel hurt and depressed and don’t quite know what to do.

Signed,
Sweating Profusely, Yet Unnoticed

Dear Unnoticed:
You need to be upfront with your husband and let him know his inappropriate comments are hurtful, especially with the town’s high sensitivity to tree nut allergies. If his obnoxious taunting continues, let me suggest you hire Damian LaBoeuf, former bodyguard to Chuck Norris impersonator, Norm Chorris, and the lead personal trainer at the Wapatusset Club. If you’re on a budget, I believe the Suzanne Sommers ThighMaster now comes with the ButtMaster attachment. If you order immediately, they will also throw in a John Ritter Two-fer (combination nut cracker and corkscrew).

If you get in shape but his comments persist, I might suggest hiring a private detective. There are many high-end PIs familiar with the Wapatusset beat, but you won’t find them in the yellow pages. Leave a comment below and I’ll hook you up.

Problems with work, neighbors, school, marriage? Burning questions about social etiquette, social networking disease, or society in general? Global warming? The meaning of cinnamon-flavored LIFE? Prius or golf cart? Not sure what to wear to that “Save the Pickled Herring” fundraiser on Saturday night? Leave your questions for Nan in the Comments section below.