Tiny Mind Gazette

Greyote Gala and Animal Hoarder Fashion Show Tonight: Stay tuned to TMG!

Tickets are going fast for tonight’s 2nd annual Greyote Gala at the Clam Shack on Wapatusset Harbor. Thanks to emcee Scrim Shaw, keynote speaker Liam O’Liam and event planner extraordinaire Trixie Morton, the gala is sure to draw a colorful mix of animal lovers, townies, socialites and social misfits. 

O'Liam

Jane Peyton, volunteer outreach coordinator for the Greyote Rescue League, will oversee the Feline-Canine Fashion Show (to benefit the local chapter of Animal Hoarders Anonymous). Highlights include Persian cat hair wigs, hair extensions and shoulder bags modeled by Shari Bing (author of the Vegan Margarita Diet Cookbook) and a song-and-dance tribute to “Cats” by local politician and pianist Dina Canady. Rumor has it that ambulance-chaser/stand-up comic Craig Barkin might make a surprise appearance (leaving his own birthday party) to do his famous dog jokes and Huckleberry Hound impersonations. 

Shaw

TMG fashion correspondents will be on hand with updates from the "red carpet" outside the Clam Shack, beginning at 5:00 p.m. today. Here's a sneak peek at some of designs we're expecting to see from party-goers and models alike. Hope to see you there!

For more info:

Around the Pond: Get Ready for the Greyote Gala

Confessions: Animal Hoarding (Animal Planet) 

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Animal Control Candidate, Scrim Shaw: “I wasn’t drunk but I had been drinking.”

Report from the Campaign Trail.

Having been out on the campaign trail for several weeks, I have been heartened by the widespread support and feel more confident than ever. With election day right around the corner, I am convinced that I will soon have an engraved nameplate on the door to the animal control office (located in the maintenance shed, directly behind Wapatusset Town Hall).

But whether I win or lose, this campaign ordeal has taught me several very important lessons. Here is my short list:

1. When you borrow a penguin from the aquarium, work through the proper channels and receive the proper sign-off.

I was terribly mistaken in thinking that these creatures were participating in aquarium activities by their own free will. Although my former penguin sidekick, Chauncey, received an overwhelming share of positive attention as we waved signs and flippers to vehicles entering and exiting the Super Stop & Chat, I did not anticipate things going so far. What was thought to be a brief “bio-break” turned out to be Chauncey’s premeditated visit to the seafood counter. Some found his tap dancing routine hilarious, others found it unsanitary and disturbing. To avoid a lengthy court proceeding, the damages were absorbed by my own pocketbook and I have agreed to step neither foot nor flipper in the store again. The tuxedoed pescetarian was returned to captivity, and all criminal charges have been dropped. For future campaigning, I might recommend a chimpanzee or heavily sedated squirrel.

2. Upon the recommendation of my campaign manager, underwriting and chaperoning a Boy Scouts overnight in the abandoned wolf dens seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Besides, how might one achieve the wild animal husbandry merit badge, without a real-time experience? Perhaps it was the ignition of the smuggled fireworks that set things in motion. There is also a good chance that the loud and horribly off-key campfire songs started the snowball rolling down the steep and slippery slope. Whatever it was, or whoever was to blame, it awoke the 600 lb. narcoleptic Sasquatch with a start and within seconds cleared the immediate area of all animals, vegetables and minerals. In the end, all scouts and leaders were accounted for, but the matter is still under investigation with the Old Colony regional scouting board.

3. The Easter Sunday/Campaign Bunny Hop was a “fun-raiser” intended to bring friends and family together on the town common, to watch the adorable white rabbits hop through the green grass.

For those who gathered up their children and left early, it was a delightful event. For those who witnessed the birds of prey attack, it is a deeply etched visual memory that will linger in craniums for many years ahead. After the first two hares were snatched, shocked volunteers were unable to herd the remaining bunnies into their hutches. The full-scale aerial assault left five rabbits heading to the happy hopping ground.

4. For those who volunteered their tropical fish for the licensing demonstration, I owe you a trip to the pet store.

Duct tape has always been a staple in my toolbox, and who would not consider it the perfect solution to attaching license collars to the necks of small fish? We never imagined that the strong adhesive might remove a substantial portion of a small fish’s scales. Despite the terrible blunder, we have retooled and returned to our initial concept: applying a fish’s registered license number with an ultra-fine, waterproof Sharpie.

Time to get back on the campaign merry-go-round. I still have several “meet and greets” and koffee klatches to attend, plus the hot dog and beans jamboree. Thank you for your time. Remember to get out and vote—and when you vote, vote Scrim Shaw for animal control officer!

It’s Time to Put the “Control” Back in Animal Control!

Please allow me to thank all of the concerned citizens of Wapatusset who have stepped forward, encouraging me to throw my well-worn and tattered hat into the local no-holds-barred political wrestling ring. At this moment in time, following excruciating thought and only partially divisive deliberation, Morton Scrim Shaw has officially entered the race for Wapatusset Animal Control Officer.

To this elected position, I bring forth the following experience:

• former government agent
• movie stunt stand-in for renowned actor Stephen Segal (in Hard to Kill, Under Seige, and briefly in Fire Down Below)
• former witness protection program candidate
• NASA intern
• cross-dressing roller derby star (during stint as unpaid gonzo journalist for Rolling Stone)
• seasonal Hickory Farms cheese-sample attendant
• director of the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League

I have elected to move my career into new and unchartered territory—giving back to the community (for a modest salary and above-average medical benefits).

My current platform involves the following key points. As my campaign continues to evolve and fester, I will surely provide a sharper lens and more focused thought.

Critical Issues

Sasquatch:
Since the founding of Wapatusset in the early 1600s, rumors have circulated about a half-human/half-beast that has roamed this hamlet’s nearby forests. Some refer to him as a Sasquatch, others Bigfoot—and to younger generations, “that whacked out hippie dude that lives in a tree.”

As director of the Office of Animal Control, I promise to capture this creature, bringing an end to centuries of fearful curiosity and irregular tourism. Imagine the tourist dollars that a caged Yeti will bring to our cash-strapped town: customized “Monster of Wapatusset” t-shirts, coffee mugs, earth-friendly water bottles, and magnetic mini-van decals.

(Don Wingood of Wingood Graphics, I am counting on at least one of your votes.) 

All-Pet Licensing:
As a new revenue source, and as an effort to combat the injustice that lingers in terms of household pet ownership, my office and my appointed Animal Control Cabinet will institute a town-wide licensing program for all non-canine pets.

For an over-extended period of time, dogs have borne the unfair brunt of Wapatusset’s pet licensing requirements. Owners of cats, domesticated rodents, reptiles, fish and large poisonous spiders have been unfairly exempt from paying licensing fees.

Sure, it is nearly impossible to fit a collar around a neck-less fish. However, my exploratory team is looking into color-coded, adhesive licenses that may be applied to the exterior of fish tanks. Licensing fees will be determined by the number of (live) inhabitants within each water-filled tank. For the office waiting rooms of doctors, Chinese restaurants, and grocery stores,* there will be an additional surcharge for aquariums receiving significantly greater daily viewership.

Similar research is currently being conducted for the licensing of snakes and large poisonous insects, where a traditional pet collar/license is not feasible.

“Paris Hilton” Purse Dogs:
Yes, yes. I have received several complaints about these creatures (and their owners).
Apparently I am not the only one creeped out by the blonde Wapatusset cougars who insist on carrying around their unusually coiffed, rodent-like purse dogs. (From a purely visual standpoint, I’d say they are actually closer to a marsh rat than to man’s best friend.) However, I am thinking that perhaps we should not do a thing about them. As my dearly departed mother used to say, “If you ignore them they will just go away.”

While on the topic of demented furry creatures, my office is instituting a campaign that will hopefully make individuals more aware of diseased wild animals. Check out this for a bumper sticker: “If it Foams, Let it Roam!”

(Mr. Wingood, here is another business opportunity—if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.)

I had a fifth point but with lunchtime approaching, I’ll get to that one later. I am Morton “Scrim” Shaw, and I want to be YOUR Animal Control Officer!

*For grocery stores where tank inhabitants are sold for human ingestion (i.e. lobsters), temporary licenses will be made available on an as-needed basis.

Mixed Message for Mutts, MicroMovie by Christopher Harting

Mixed Message for Mutts from doug eymer on Vimeo.

Tiny Mind Gazette MicroMovie by creative genius Christopher Harting. Visit his site: christopherharting.com

10 Ingenius Uses for Excess Snow (while waiting for snow removal genie)

Got snow drifts?
Up to your eyeballs in the white stuff?
Can’t find your car? Your shovel? Your wife?

Here are some solutions to massive snow buildup in driveways and rooftops coast to coast.

#10
Prepare a packed "snow shell" for your Camry. Soon you’ll be driving and stylin' in a white Escalade.

#9
Construct 60' high snow Buddha in the parking lot behind local Catholic church.

#8
Build life-size snow monument/shrine honoring Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

#7
Design makeshift snow-melting machine by attaching blowtorches and professional grade hair-dryers to snowmobile handles. (Step 2. Develop explanation for severly singed monobrow.)

#6
Build automated trebuchet (pimped up catapult) and fling snow into neighbor’s yard while he/she is away from home office.

#5
Mass-manufacture snowshoes and snow tires, receive payment in advance, ship overseas, move.

#4
Build a colony of zombified snow Yetis, broadcast loud growling sounds through imbedded speakers, frighten nearsighted grumpy old neighbor (with the over-stimulated  and image-challenged rottweiler).

#3
Construct 10 ft. snow wall (complete with corner guard towers) around local drinking establishment (after 11:00 PM).

#2
Start a new diet craze with snow cones. Serve snowcones with sugar-free maple syrup for breakfast, ketchup for lunch, vodka and Crystal Lite for happy hour.

#1
Build mammoth snow fort to home-school neighborhood children on endless snow days.

Readers Pick The Greatest Clicks: Tiny Mind Gazette’s Top 5 Stories of 2010

Number 5.
On The Road to Extinction: 25 Exits to Avoid on the Career Path Highway.

Excerpt:
As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Number 4.
Paging Dr. Barkle, canine therapist: Points For Pointer, Better Than Cats (again and again), Nuts About Acorns

Excerpt:
So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?

Number 3.
Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

Excerpt:
#12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

Number 2.
Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

Excerpt:
As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Number 1.
25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

Excerpt:
#14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

Happy 2011 from the editors, staff and unpaid interns of the Tiny Mind Gazette!

"Squirricidal Tendencies" by canine therapist, Dr. Barkle

Dr. Barkle file photo

There is quite the buzz around the kennel’s community water bowl concerning the sharp increase of recent in-road squirrel deaths. In Wapatusset, you don’t have to go very far before seeing yet another “squirrel scab” flattened to the asphalt.

Coincidence? As a highly trained dog psychologist, I think not.

As an active member of a highly regarded canine consortium, my colleagues and I have deemed it this phenomenon “The Squirricides.” We have never before observed such a high number of permanently-pressed acorn-munching rodents.

Sure, within squirrels, there tends to be a heightened questioning of split-second decision-making.

“Okay, I’m going to run now!
“No wait!”
“I better not!”
“No! I’m going to go for it!”

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture the poor little bushy-tailed tree-dweller attempting to decide whether or not to cross two lanes of potential traffic. As a human-transporter vehicle approaches, the rodent’s walnut-sized head quickly pivots back and forth (as if fired by misaligned and sporadic synaptic reflexes).

It begins its crossing, spins around, runs back, then suddenly makes a 360° rotation, closes its beady little eyes, aims for the opposite shoulder and GOES FOR IT!

Too many times, this sequence of events unfortunately closes with a rubber tire tread meeting misdirected squirrel–and SQUISH! Road Pizza!

I have to admit that the feeling amongst many other dog therapists was that the cause of this phenomenon was due to a squirrel’s inability to engage in abstract reasoning.

However, many of my colleagues are now attributing this behavior to a form of depression brought on by a chemical imbalance that is heightened during nut-gathering and archiving season.

Perhaps it is the nutrient-rich acorn itself that is the root cause of the problem–in the form of an allergic condition stimulated by tree nuts. Quite possibly it is Pre-hibernation Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), a disorder similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) prevalent in humans during the sunlight-deprived winter months.

Rocky (and Bullwinkle) file photo

There is a small den of German Shepherd sociologists that places blame on the media, specifically within the entertainment industry and its current on-screen depiction of squirrels. The highly-evolved 1960’s flying-squirrel protagonist, Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky), has been replaced with Spongebob’s Sandy Cheeks, a zany Texas squirrel who inhabits Bikini Bottom permanently water-sealed inside a bizarre spacesuit-like costume. YouTube is now host to a series of animated video shorts entitled “Suicidal Squirrels,” which promises to televise the deaths of 100 squirrels.

“No vunder ve hab ze problem wit ze squirrels offing demselves,” stated noted German Shepherd behavioral research pioneer, Dr. Bruno Von Leash. “Ve hope to have ze answer quite soon,” he added before spinning his massive head and bolting after his owner’s other house pet, Sasha, an endlessly taunting Siamese cat.

Dr. Von Leash file photo

We will provide additional information as soon as we either dig it up or fetch it. – Dr. Barkle

Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD from an obscure Midwestern canine & equine online university.

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?): Interview with TMG publisher/underground reporter

Following the arrest of the Russian double-agent posing as a Wapatusset tennis mom (see "Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?") and the subsequent spy swap (see "Spy Swap [not Wife Swap!] set for Russian Agent South of Boston"), I had a chance to sit down with the man behind the big bust—the notorious publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, whose real name I cannot mention due to the pending criminal investigation. For purposes of this interview, we’ll go with his alias during the spy reporting: Thompson Hunter (TH). 

Agent SS: Congratulations. That was quite a snag.

TH: Thank you, Agent Sisson. I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Wapatusset Junior Militia Group and the recently installed cell tower/steeple in the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church. I’d also like to give a shout out to my peeps in the Speedwell Guild—who agreed to kindly pick up my bar tab as I scoured every watering hole in the tri-town area.

SS: I thought your background was in graphic design and professional gymnastics. How does that qualify you for investigative reporting?

TH: True, professionally, I have held down a variety of occupations—including poodle groomer, awning jumper and graphic designer. I should note that the awning jumping was just a brief veering off of a legitimate career path. I was going through some issues at the time and was having a hard time expressing myself. After severe spine twisting and a series of concussions, I left that business in search of a solid desk job. To this day, I still cannot stand the smell of canvas.

I have always been a constant questioner. Where do babies come from? Why do fools fall in love? Have you seen my car keys? How did this llama get in here? What in the hell were you thinking? I have also had the intuitive ability to never accept “no” as a definitive final answer—without being physically threatened, of course.

All of these experiences and abilities have helped me to become a pretty decent detective, as well as challenging cocktail party guest.

SS: I hear you’ll soon be awarded with a Wapatusset ÜberCitizen Badge, which is similar to the Speedwell Guild’s Titanium Cross, at a special pinning ceremony in the coming weeks.

TH: I feel very honored and will accept it with great humility, gratitude and style. By the way, do you know if there is a check included? I owe a small fortune to TIME/LIFE Books, as well as the Look of Leather® Organic Tanning Salon.

SS: Have you been asked to testify in court?

TH: Yes, I also have to wear an ankle bracelet for 90 days and attend weekly meetings with my parole officer.

Oh! The Russian Spy thing! I was thinking of something else! Sorry.

At this time, I have not been asked to participate in a court hearing. This may change as details continue to unfold. Do you know if I would be compensated for appearing in court?

SS: Is it true that the suspect was writing messages on cocktail napkins using invisible ink? Do you have any experience with decoding?

TH: Invisible ink? Yes, but not intentionally. I was so engrossed in my conversation with the entrancingly enchanting, yet ruthlessly evil suspect [Muffy Milken], that I failed to recognize that my precision-alloy, over-engineered German writing device had run of ink. Fortunately, I am extremely heavy-handed and the inkless pen left a clear enough impression for deciphering back at the office. Fortunately, with it being summer, I tend to consume beverages composed of clear liquors. Had it been winter and I was drinking bourbon… who knows what the napkin might have said!

As for decoding, with my highly advanced knowledge of the English language, along with my ability to quickly complete Highlights Magazine pictograms, I can unlock even the most complex anagramorphic (that’s a word, right?) puzzle.  

SS: Did you carry any special surveillance equipment or devices on this assignment?

TH: I wore an undetectable “Mustache Cam” with surround-sound audio capabilities. Unfortunately, this whole setup included a 40 lb. backpack that caused me to lose my balance several times—and once to careen backwards, off the bar stool and on to the beer-soaked bar floor.

SS: Did you watch "Rocky & Bullwinkle" as a kid?

TH: Occasionally, when the antenna was turned in just the right direction. I did read SPY vs. SPY in Mad Magazine and later was a regular subscriber to SPY magazine.

SS: Do you think there could be more Russian spies in Wapatusset?

TH: Definitely. I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg. We should also be on the outlook for gypsies, tramps and thieves!

SS: What kind of punishment do you think would be just? Isn’t this swap thing letting her off a bit easy?

TH: I think that the swap is acceptable. I might also require attendance at a spring Middle School band concert. That would put the fear of God into her!

O'Liam (file photo)

SS: How has this changed your relationship with the Wapatusset police, specifically chief Liam O’Liam?

TH: Liam and I go way back. We attended grade school together and have been lifelong friends. I would not be where I am today, without his constant leaking of classified information and evidence tampering. Oh, wait! Did I say that out loud? Just joking!

SS: Do you like borscht?

TH: I might drive one if I had the money. But how come the guys that drive them are all middle-aged, bald or fat?

Oh, you mean Russian beet soup! I thought that you were talking about a precision-alloy, over-engineered German sports car!

No. I am not a big fan of herbaceous plants.

SS: What would you say to critics who call the Tiny Mind Gazette a subversive publication? Do you or any of your associates have Communist leanings? 

TH: I cannot think of one Communist currently on staff. There may be a couple currently on vacation. I will have to check with our HR department.

As for being a subversive publication, I know that we offer the only real opinion that matters and people should believe everything that we print! 

- reported by Agent SS

In the Summer of 1977, Dog-Boy Was Wapatusset’s Own Horse-Boy

As ‘Horse-Boy Fever’ is the talk of cyberspace, local residents can remember back to the mid-70s when the village was abuzz with ‘Dog-Boy Mania’. For a period of nearly 6 months images of Dog-Boy would intermittently flash on the TV screen – immediately following the national anthem and just prior to the test pattern screen.

Dog-Boy Image #37

Dog-Boy Image #59

Dog-Boy Image #83

Despite an intervention from a troupe of scientists from nearby MIT, the mystery of Dog-Boy was never solved. Perhaps ‘Dog-Boy’ and Horse-Boy’ will someday meet.



Until then, this is TV Talk signing-off!

Police BLOG: Buttocks Biter Banished, Bait Blood, Badgering (Old) Bat

 

Buttocks biter
K-9 police dog with predilection for biting human buttocks retired to Green Acres Greyote Garden in Mississippi for behavioral management and rehab.

Crabby old woman
A crabby old woman called the police to complain about loud teenagers, scams on QVC, illegal immigrants, and the price of her water bill. Woman advised to call Crazy Old Man or other Bored Selectman.

 

Four-legged lock-out
Two pet Greyotes locked themselves into family mini-van in supermarket parking lot by pressing the electric lock button. The owners of the vehicle and their children were unable to communicate with the pets, who had cranked up the radio and air conditioning. Since police are no longer allowed to break into cars due to Provision PD356, the greyhound-coyote hybrids were able to enjoy a 3-hour snacking spree, devouring raw hot dogs, Klondike Bars and 3 packages of frozen Hot Pockets while watching Reservoir Dogs on the portable DVD player.

 
O'Liam (file photo)

Lead officer Liam O’Liam was not quick to call this an accident. “If these animals can operate a DVD player, I hardly think they’d have a problem with an electric door lock.” Residents are reminded to be extra vigilant during summer BBQ season, when Greyotes are said to be at their craftiest.

Eel blood
Several callers reported mysterious pool of blood on sidewalk in front of Dumpin Donuts. After a thorough investigation by a team of CSI officers from Wapatusset and neighboring towns, forensic evidence identified the substance as eel blood. Police were then able to track down a local fisherman and match the blood sample to a rancid eel in the bait bucket in the back of his truck. The elongated fish was then doused with formaldehyde and displayed in an interactive kiosk in the lobby of the police station. “This is the most exciting thing to happen around here since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Pat Cruller, assistant manager at Dumpin Donuts, before being interviewed by local media.

 - reported by Agent SS