Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.
7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]
7/17, 6:20pm – Caterer suffers multiple seizures after serving hors d'oeuvres to elderly men wearing multiple patterns of plaid seersucker pants. According to paramedics, victim (from Midwest) had no prior experience with this visual phenomenon.
7/21, 12:10am – Crowd dispersed after complaints of loud noise Wapatusset Harbor parking lot. Surveying evidence (generic brand potato chip bag and crushed cans of Schlitz), police chief Liam O’Liam blames “out-of-town riff-raff.”
- report by crime, fashion and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS
“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.
If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)
1. Do you have t-shirts that read:
So many buffets, so little time!
Make eating an official sport
My other home is a bakery truck
2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight?And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?
3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?”(…and you are a guy).
4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs?(And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)
5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?
6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975?Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)
In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:
Weight Loss Stories for inspiration (Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)
Note: While the majority of citizens of Wapatusset and other fine communities across the country strictly observe self-imposed deadlines (not to mention fear of public shame) for the dismantling and removal of holiday decorations), there are always some that need a gentle reminder. For those with moldy Indian corn in their backporch planters and New Year’s poppers on the mantelpiece, this rant’s for you. – ed.
An American eyesore…
What seemed like a novel holiday gift for mom, grandma or Aunt Fanny has now become a social eyesore! Over the years, supermarket chains have made it the “must have floral extravaganza” to complete the Christmas season. They've oversaturated the nation with no regard for the horticultural nightmare left in the post-holiday tundra.
Are they even aware of the sickening wave of Post-Christmas Poinsettia Apathy(PCPA) that is sweeping the nation from Wapatusset (Massachusetts) to Skunk's Creek (Idaho)?
The leaves have fallen off over the last few weeks, leaving less than spectacular displays of wispy yellow branches, resembling little foil-wrapped buckets of discarded chickens’ feet.
One withering specimen might not be a bad flourish for the top rail of the back porch, but for those grannies with a plethora of well-wishers, the display of hundreds of leafless chickens’ feet might be a little overwhelming.
As Harvey Spindler, director of the Cotton Creek Home Owner's Association, remarked: “Chains competing to make available the largest poinsettias in the universe give no afterthought to the problems for the trashman and his dilemma as to whether to charge for lawn debris pickup or trash.”
…or a Vietnamese obsession? My neighbor, Dr. Vo Thi Dung(pronounced Zung; better known as “Suzy”), the former Dean of Irregular Botany at the University of Westminster, is also concerned about this growing crisis. She said, “In Vietnam, on the island of Phu Quoc, poinsettias grow over ten feet tall and thrive in the warm climate throughout the year. They line the country roads much like the walls of ivy lining the roads of Wapatusset. Phu Quoc may be better known as the home of the best and most pungent fish sauce in Vietnam, but there isn't anything stinky about the lovely adornment of poinsettias.”
Recycle, renew, replant!
Friends, we have a civic duty! Follow the Vietnamese way! Pick up that poor plant off the front lawn! Give it a little water and haul it downstairs to a nice dark closet and let it recuperate from providing your Christmas joy. Let it stay on its little environmental sabbatical until the spring (see Gardening Know How for more tips)!
Embrace the Vietnamese love of poinsettias, so that we may enjoy the plant year-round (and grow ten foot walls of poinsettias throughout the nation)!
...and while you're at it, pick up that glimmering gold foil poinsettia wrapper that’s flapping against the hedges.
Scientists, ornithologists, busy-bodies and media hounds descended on the tiny town of Wapatusset last week to investigate the mysterious death of hundreds (or, as some have estimated, hundreds of thousands) of seagulls. A makeshift laboratory has been set up next to the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute to conduct toxicology and other tests on the birds. Outreach and fundraising efforts are already underway to support their efforts.
Reports that "Flock of Seagulls" will perform at a benefit concert have yet to be confirmed. Local real estate agent and masseuse Glenn Denver has offered "Black Katz"(his Eagles tribute band) as a fallback, and will sing a selection of Sting ballads.
As unfortunate as this is, it has provided a new sense of purpose for local volunteers like Scrim Shaw, former director of GROL(Greyote Rescue and Outreach League). And for the many underemployed and bored townspeople, it's finally something new to talk about.
“This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Joe McSmith as he took a break from a vigorous walk with his metal detector. Indeed, many notable items have been found washed up on the beaches of Wapatusset, especially during storm season (see "Jimmy Choo washes up on beach.") As Joe says, "In this crazy town, you just never know what will happen next!"
Local residents offered many possible explanations for the tragic seagull deaths:
Rancid clam strips from greasy restaurant in “one of the neighboring towns”
Collective McMansion Chem-Lawn residue from melt after recent Nor’easter
Alcohol fumes from recent ladies’ New Year brunch at the Chardonnay Institute
Electromagnetic disturbances from mass-scale Black Ops video gaming over winter break
“Bad karma for stealing my sandwich last summer”
Stay tuned for news at it unfolds…
- by CSI, animal control, and current affairs correspondent Agent SS
There is quite the buzz around the kennel’s community water bowl
concerning the sharp increase of recent in-road squirrel deaths. In Wapatusset,
you don’t have to go very far before seeing yet another “squirrel scab”
flattened to the asphalt.
Coincidence? As a highly trained dog psychologist, I think not.
As an active member of a highly regarded canine consortium, my
colleagues and I have deemed it this phenomenon “The Squirricides.” We have
never before observed such a high number of permanently-pressed acorn-munching
rodents.
Sure, within squirrels, there tends to be a heightened
questioning of split-second decision-making.
“Okay, I’m going to run now! “No wait!”
“I better not!” “No! I’m going to go for it!”
It doesn’t take much imagination to picture the poor little
bushy-tailed tree-dweller attempting to decide whether or not to cross two
lanes of potential traffic. As a human-transporter vehicle approaches, the
rodent’s walnut-sized head quickly pivots back and forth (as if fired by misaligned
and sporadic synaptic reflexes).
It begins its crossing, spins around, runs back, then suddenly
makes a 360° rotation, closes its beady little eyes, aims for the opposite
shoulder and GOES FOR IT!
Too many times, this sequence of events unfortunately closes with
a rubber tire tread meeting misdirected squirrel–and SQUISH! Road Pizza!
I have to admit that the feeling amongst many other dog therapists
was that the cause of this phenomenon was due to a squirrel’s inability to
engage in abstract reasoning.
However, many of my colleagues are now attributing this behavior
to a form of depression brought on by a chemical imbalance that is heightened during
nut-gathering and archiving season.
Perhaps it is the nutrient-rich acorn itself that is the root
cause of the problem–in the form of an allergic condition stimulated by tree
nuts. Quite possibly it is Pre-hibernation Traumatic Stress Syndrome(PTSS), a
disorder similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD) prevalent in humans
during the sunlight-deprived winter months.
Rocky (and Bullwinkle)file photo
There is a small den of German Shepherd sociologists that places
blame on the media, specifically within the entertainment industry and its
current on-screen depiction of squirrels. The highly-evolved 1960’s flying-squirrel
protagonist, Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky), has been replaced with Spongebob’s
Sandy Cheeks, a zany Texas squirrel who inhabits Bikini Bottom permanently
water-sealed inside a bizarre spacesuit-like costume. YouTube is now host to a
series of animated video shorts entitled “Suicidal Squirrels,” which promises
to televise the deaths of 100 squirrels.
“No vunder ve hab ze problem wit ze squirrels offing demselves,”
stated noted German Shepherd behavioral research pioneer, Dr. Bruno Von Leash.
“Ve hope to have ze answer quite soon,” he added before spinning his massive
head and bolting after his owner’s other house pet, Sasha, an endlessly
taunting Siamese cat.
Dr. Von Leash file photo
We will provide additional information as soon as we either dig
it up or fetch it. – Dr. Barkle
Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: Dr.
Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD
from an obscure Midwestern canine & equine online university.
Last week’s article “Reconsidering Roadkill: The ultimate local food” sparked a rush of letters to the editor. Although some readers found the subject to be “twisted” and “objectionable,” several found-food enthusiasts came forward to share their stories.
Locavore vignettes
When local resident Doug Heimlich found a headless rabbit on his kitchen floor, he blamed neither Glenn Close nor his German short-haired pointer. Rather, he yelled, “Soup’s on!” and whipped up a savory stew with rodent tail, rabbit, and his favorite cheap jug wine. At dinner, his children fought over the lucky rabbit’s foot at the bottom of the stew pot. “I’d say roadkill is bringing old-fashioned family values back to the dinner table,” he said, wearing a matted coon-skin cap.
School board member Dr. Von Fleece says he’s been meeting with the lunch ladies at Wapatusset Public Schools to see how road kill could be incorporated into the school lunch menu. “Much of this meat is high-protein and low-fat,” he explained, “and would otherwise go to waste. As long as you cook it to an internal temperature of 425 degrees, it should kill most of the bacteria and parasites.” Von Fleece is also coordinating with teachers to see how different species of roadkill could be aligned with the Social Studies curriculum.
Local artist AnneFrances Walton says that although she finds the practice of eating roadkill “revolting,” she does enjoy painting pictures of some of the more grissly specimens. I’d been looking for something to complement my “headless mouse” series, and when everyone started talking about this new locavore movement at my yoga class, I decided to take a closer look. Being a fruitarian, I find it horrifying yet oddly compelling at the same time. It wasn’t until after I finished my latest acrylic triptych (“Tree-Tire-Table”) that I understood the profound influence of DuChamp Marcel.”
Walton's paintings will be on display at next month's Wine and Cheese fundraiser for GROL (Greyote Research and Outreach League) at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies. The menu will feature local roadkill samples expertly paired with domestic wines. Reserve your tickets today!
-- reported by Crime, Food and Education editor Agent SS
With the slowing economy, rising food prices, and the push for locally produced foods, a growing number of suburbanites are entertaining the once unthinkable: roadkill as Sunday roast.
Food writer and cookbook magnate Chichester Snimball recently wrote about the merits of cooking with roadside remnants. “Short of shooting wood pigeons in your own family compound, this is about as local as it gets…. Plus, it’s character building. You may not have post-World War II rationing stories to pass on to the next generation, but your children can at least say they were forced to eat a rancid woodchuck or two.”
At least two Wapatusset restaurants are offering fresh roadkill on the menu, and a local catering company plans to feature a variety of local species at the Wine and Cheese fundraiser for GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League) in October.
Local voices
We chatted with folks at last week’s Farmer’s Market about the trend. Here’s what they had to say:
“I’m cutting down on my carbon footprint and my grocery bill at the same time.”
“At Whole Paycheck you pay a fortune for free-range, grass-fed, ethically-treated meat. Roadkill is all of the above. Well, maybe not the ethically-treated bit, but it’s usually a very quick death.”
“My wife says I’m cheap, but I prefer to think of it as old Yankee ingenuity.”
“That is heinous… Does it come in breaded patties?”
Send us your stories
Have you experimented with roadkill recipes? Any tips on foraging for fresh specimens? Send your stories to Food Editor, Tiny Mind Gazette, or leave in the Comments field below.
-- reported by Crime, Food and Education editor Agent SS
Buttocks biter K-9 police dog with predilection for biting human buttocks retired to GreenAcresGreyote Garden in Mississippi for behavioral management and rehab.
Crabby old woman A crabby old woman called the police to complain about loud teenagers, scams on QVC, illegal immigrants, and the price of her water bill. Woman advised to call Crazy Old Man or other Bored Selectman.
Four-legged lock-out Two pet Greyotes locked themselves into family mini-van in supermarket parking lot by pressing the electric lock button. The owners of the vehicle and their children were unable to communicate with the pets, who had cranked up the radio and air conditioning. Since police are no longer allowed to break into cars due to Provision PD356, the greyhound-coyote hybrids were able to enjoy a 3-hour snacking spree, devouring raw hot dogs, Klondike Bars and 3 packages of frozen Hot Pockets while watching Reservoir Dogs on the portable DVD player.
O'Liam (file photo)
Lead officer Liam O’Liam was not quick to call this an accident. “If these animals can operate a DVD player, I hardly think they’d have a problem with an electric door lock.” Residents are reminded to be extra vigilant during summer BBQ season, when Greyotes are said to be at their craftiest.
Eel blood Several callers reported mysterious pool of blood on sidewalk in front of Dumpin Donuts. After a thorough investigation by a team of CSI officers from Wapatusset and neighboring towns, forensic evidence identified the substance as eel blood. Police were then able to track down a local fisherman and match the blood sample to a rancid eel in the bait bucket in the back of his truck. The elongated fish was then doused with formaldehyde and displayed in an interactive kiosk in the lobby of the police station. “This is the most exciting thing to happen around here since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Pat Cruller, assistant manager at Dumpin Donuts, before being interviewed by local media.
Seal Coating truck recently vandalized by activists.
The following article was submitted by nationally acclaimed folksinger and animal rights activist Joany Seng-Lowe. Joany was recently in Wapatusset to attend an emergency board meeting of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) and to attend her brother’s bail hearing.
Joany Seng-Lowe (file photo)
Dear Tiny Mind Gazette: You only need to drive a couple blocks in Wapatusset before stumbling upon a suburban residence with a cordoned off asphalt driveway – blackened to a sheen that can only be achieved by one method, and one method alone.
DRIVEWAY SEAL COATING!
Adorable baby seal escapes poachers.
I ask you, the general public, where is the outrage? How many more seal lions have to die before this barbaric ritual is brought to an end?
Admittedly, I spend the majority of my life in either my minuscule Greenwich Village apartment or some seedy coffee house – darkened by the smoke of countless clove cigarettes, deep in the urban asphalt jungle – to me, the suburban landscape is as foreign as the surface of the moon.
However, my well-honed artistic sensibilities to both right and wrong, have directed me to take up a new cause – to BAN SEAL COATING!
I urge you, as responsible citizens of the planet, to stand-up an let your voices be heard! Please join me in putting an end to this horrible atrocity – happening in your own driveway!
Gypsy Mouths (from upcoming album: Seng-Lowe: Suite Chariot)
Editor’s Note: Joany and her band, ‘The Gypsy Mouths’ will be performing a FREE benefit concert this summer at the Speedwell Guild Lodge. Additional information will soon be released as soon as it becomes available. Seng-Lowe’s new album, ‘Suite Chariot’ is scheduled for a July release date.
In an emergency meeting of the Waputasset's Board of Bored Selectpeople, an official proclamation was drafted and approved –proclaiming that from this point on, February 27 will be known as Carcass Day and that town offices will remain closed for the entire day.
This new law will be retroactively enacted for this year, as all town offices will remain closed this Monday, March 8.
