Tiny Mind Gazette

Elderly man accidentally brings down Internet in southeast New England

A 72-year-old Wapatusset resident accidentally shut down the Internet in southeastern Massachusetts for several hours yesterday when he sliced through a fiber optic cable while digging for quahogs.

Scrim Shaw, amateur naturalist known for his Yankee thrift, was foraging for his afternoon meal in the mudflats near Weasel Dam. Equipped with a spade, lunch pail and his trusty metal detector, Mr. Shaw was digging in his usual spot when he hit an “unusual object.” Suspecting it was either “a petrified eel or a submarine telegraph cable,” he dug deeper to investigate.

Nearly all of southeast Massachusetts was without Internet access for a period ranging from two to 12 hours. “Scrim,” as the locals call him, was questioned by police chief Liam O’Liam and charged with destruction of communications equipment and as well as disrupting the ecosystem in the (already politically contentious) wetlands area. After one night in jail, he was temporarily released due to his old age and in consideration of his peculiar dietary requirements.

- reported by Technology and Crime correspondent Agent SS

10 Lifesaving Breakthroughs: Strategic Attic Storage of Holiday Heirlooms

1. ) Gather decorations picked up around the house since the last few holidays— like the fake owl you left in the window that was scaring the bejeepers out of the Avon Lady, the fake turkey you forgot in the front bushes (which now has a bullet hole in it from hunting season), and the third wise man who came up missing on January 5th.

2.) Grab Maglite®, ladder, hard hat with favorite NFL logo, and breathing mask to block inhalation of insulation dust (the Pink Panther didn't wear one in the commercials, but then again, he was a cartoon character).

3.) Position stepladder under ceiling attic portal, ascend, and pop the hatch and place hatch cover out of way to avoid boogie boarding down the center of the attic later.

4.) Go back down and review Wizard of Oz for flying-monkey swinging procedures to ensure easy movement through rafters.

5.) Check www.Home-Garage-Help.com for weight disbursement tips; e.g., do not store storing Santa's 4-litre sleigh engine upstairs.

6.) Get New Year’s disco ball and balance on head like an Eritrean villager, ascend ladder, place in accordance with crayoned load plan. Continue in same fashion with boxes of leftover Christmas ornaments found under couch, plastic urn of googly-eye Halloween lights, and blow-up MLK lawn statue.

7.) Bring down life-size log cabin appliqué for front of house, styrofoam Lincoln and Washington dolls, and dangly cupid tree ornaments.

8.) Close hatch to ensure birds that flew in through open louvers don't buzz-bomb you in the spring (wearing those little straw sombreros you had packed away for Cinco de Mayo).

9.) Put away ladder to avoid dancing with it at two in the morning en route to the bathroom.

10.) Sweep up plaster and tape deflated Mylar holiday-appropriate balloons over cracks, foot holes, and any boxes protruding through ceiling.