Tiny Mind Gazette

10 Things your mother NEVER said.

1. Tonight is 'talk-with-your-mouth-full night.’ Everybody ready?
2. Finish your dessert or you won't get any vegetables.
3. How many times have I asked you to mess your room up? What are you some kind of neat freak?
4. Take that cleanly pressed collared shirt off and put on this ratty T-shirt, tonight is a special occasion!
5. Pour this cup of sugar on your Fruit Loops then run around the house like a maniac.
6. Please sit closer to the television. You need to strengthen your eyesight.
7. Change your clothes at least 5 times today so I can do some more laundry. I'll be waiting by the washer.
8. You need sit next to your brother in church today. Here’s some chewing gum and a Red Bull. Now I want to hear giggling!
9. Here’s a new BB gun, now go outside and have some fun!
10. For heaven’s sake, put that homework away. The TV’s not going to watch itself!

Partially based on material pilfered from Steve BonDurant’s Facebook page (May 25, 2011), including content provided by Julie Zapata, Lisa Coutermarsh Hall, and Phil Bliss.

 

Wapatusset’s Smallgreens prepares for onslaught of overheated, short-tempered and extremely sweaty concert-goers

With local temperatures approaching the 100º mark and the Middle School Spring Concert scheduled for this evening, Smallgreens Pharmacy is prepared for the worst. The Wapatusset police department received more than a few calls from disgruntled residents, who live in close proximity to the tchotchke filled, Muzak squawking, cookie-cutter chain store, complaining about the onslaught of tractor-trailer trucks delivering merchandise throughout the night.

Assistant store manager and customer-facing display inventory coordinator* Sully Rodriguez remarked: “When we learned that this year’s concert would be conducted under an H3 Alert,** we quickly sent an emergency request to HQ, requesting multiple shipments of personal fans, hand-held portable body misters, industrial-strength body spray, time-released antiperspirant, smelling salts, and extra-strength headache remedies.”

“Our pharmacy has stocked up on ACE Inhibitors, Beta Blockers and ALL forms of high blood pressure medicines.*** We have prepared for the worst!”

As a refresher, read about last year’s concert in our sister city of Winnetuxet, Wisconsin:
Record Nearly Shattered: World’s Longest School Concert

*One who stocks shelves
**Hazy, Hot, Humid
***Side effects may include: Fainting, slow or irregular heartbeat, fever and swollen ankles or feet

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss

TMG Travel Tips: A frequent flier’s rant on animal/passenger behavior (and other pet peeves)

Ethology 101: Flight etiquette Mother Nature forgot to imprint at birth

Avoid getting the ethologists and the animal behaviorists in one airport waiting lounge or they'll be debating whether flying manners are genetic impressions or a learned behavior.

Do economy-class travelers automatically know to find the largest allowable roll-aboard to Bogart as much overhead space, or does it take years of practice?

Does a new flyer automatically know to place their questionable carry-ons in all available seats in the waiting area or is it developed along with frequent flyer miles?

Do Canadian vacationers going south for the winter intuitively know to drop the seatback into your lap like some out of control Lazy-Boy or did they read “Annoying Flying tips for Dummies”?

Resident TMG Ethologist and Diamond Club Air Miles member Konrad Conrad weighed in on the controversy and points out the following imprinted spring break flying tips:

• Newly hatched goslings identify the first moving object they see as “mother”; you may also get called “mother------“ if you wake up from your mid-flight nap drooling on the shoulder of the biker in the aisle seat next to you.
• Positioning for seating zones is like Karl von Frisch’s “dance language of bees.” Keep an eye out for the gentleman with the fake-Gucci computer bag and the Chuck Taylors; he's making a bee line to be the first in front of you for Zone 4.
• The sound and impact of the wheels hitting the runway set in motion the “get out first” instinct. Beware the Japanese tourist boogie boarding down the aisle on his luggage immediately after landing!
• Chemoreception 101: Remember that pheromones are a mix of good smells and bad smells. Giving in to the instinct to get a window seat in mid-plane will avoid the mixed “aroma” of the rear galley, the lavatory, and Joe Johnson's feet in seat 39C.
• Just like the communication systems of the mighty eel, travelers instinctively sense when it is time start electrically mind-melding via cell even before the pilot announces it. Just make sure you don't press that wild condor call app by mistake! 

The next time you fly, just relax and let your inner seagull lead the way to a more enjoyable flight.

by the Mysterious Dr. F, world traveler, amateur scientist and cultural affairs attache

25 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks: For Home, Office and On the Road

At Home

1. Replace all of the oxygen in your house with helium.

2. Serve your Amish neighbor morning coffee laced with de-bearding agent.

3. Reprogram kids' cable box to only access only C-SPAN and the 700 Club.

4. Trap a sleeping squirrel in a Dunkin’ Munchkin box and secretly send it to school with your first grader.

5. Call-forward grumpy neighbor’s landline to funeral home reservations desk.

6. Blast noisy neighbor’s satellite dish with double-barrel shotgun; insist you were intercepting an alien invasion.

7. Empty soccer-mom neighbor’s bottle of Chardonnay; refill with Chablis from jug.

8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

9. Disguised as an electrician, reprogram annoying neighbor’s electronic doorbell with voice of Nancy Grace.

10. Disguised as a German mechanic, hot-vire neighbor’s expensive sports car and go for a joy- vride.

At Work

1. Disconnect all office mates' devices from wall outlets night before; cover outlets with Greenpeace stickers.

2. Arrive to work dressed in tux or evening gown; announce the start of formal Fridays instead of casual Fridays. Drink heavily throughout the day.

3. Tape cologne-scented magazine ads to bottom of annoying co-worker’s desk drawers.

4. Fill co-workers' trash cans with empty beer bottles and Texas Cheerleader magazines.

5. Hide Filet-o-Fish sandwich in co-worker’s desk drawer; see how long it takes to find it.

6. Put thumbtacks on boss’s chair, banana peel in doorway and TheraBreath breath monitor on desk.

7. Leave tray of Ex-Lax brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

8. Leave tray of hash brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

9. Cover your boss’s overpriced Japanese sports car with brick contact paper.

10. Park SMART car in adjacent cubicle; charge co-workers $1 for each ride up and down service elevator.

On the Road

1. Embark on cross-country mini-van trip with children’s mobile media center locked on either “Ishtar” or cable-access School Committee meetings.

2. Free penguins from local zoo and replace with inebriated office mates wearing tuxedoes.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

5 Points Proving Humans Still Require Further Evolution

Drunk? Stupid? Both.

NY Judge Jails Man For Lugging Beer To DWI Hearing

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Creative youth, future TMG Reporter?

Police: Boy claimed shooting to cover ripped pants

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Return to offender. Targetted direct mail campaign.

WWII machine gun found in Lithuanian mail

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When Doodie Falls, Luck Will Have It.
Pooping and Scratching: The New Path to Riches

New Zealand man proves being hit by bird droppings is lucky

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Half-baked idea cooked up by the flour girl?

Bride's life-size wedding cake shaped like herself puts other completely insane brides at ease.

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St. Patrick’s Day Parade Postponed over Potato-Throwing and Protest March

Police chief Liam O’Liam decided yesterday to postpone Wapatusset’s annual St. Patty’s Day Parade due to threats of protests from multiple groups.

Representatives from two local union chapters and a busload of college students from Citizens Against Ethnic Stereotypes arrived yesterday and set up camp on the town green to paint signs. The tone remained civil until Wapatusset’s notorious Crazy Old Guy pulled up in his jalopy and began throwing potatoes at the protestors. Bewildered protestors did not fire back, but police did want to take any chances.

“I just don’t want Wapatusset to turn into another Wisconsin,” said the chief.
“And for the last time, we are not perpetuating any stereotypes here. It’s all good fun.”

The police department’s Dunkin’ Donuts paddy wagon float had already been decorated and community volunteers were already halfway through the keg of green beer when the announcement was made.

The Tater Tot Queen Pageant has been postponed indefinitely as well; stay tuned for details.

- reported by crime and cultural affairs correspondent, Agent SS

Elephant in Charlie Sheen's Room Pregnant with Twins.

Last night, while Mr. Sheen slept, tangled in sheets between Bree Olsen and Natalie Kenly, his distraught, polka-dotted pachyderm, Trixie, led us into the actor's chilly, cavernous bedroom and laid on her side. She pointed with her trunk to a lone leather chair in front of the gas fireplace. I sat. Setting down the potato sack of peanuts she'd requested as payment, I whispered:

TMG: Patty, tell me, how is Mr. Sheen?
Trixie: (Popping a dozen peanuts in her mouth.) He's bi-winning. He's winning here AND there. I'd love to do air quotes for but, look -- no fingers.
TMG: How are you holding up?
Trixie: I'm about to burst. I'm twenty-one months, two weeks along and it feels like thirty.
TMG: Don't know how you elephants do it. That gestation period is ungodly.
Trixie: You're a male mammal. You have no freaking clue.
TMG: Are the twins Mr. Sheen's?
Trixie: Who else's? The man is into everything. I've put on about ten pounds a month since he did that Ferris Bueller's Day Off gig, then when putting on weight alone wasn't enough, BOOM! there was nowhere else to go but self-replication. Quite frankly I'm surprised I'm not going to be the sequel to the octo-mom.
TMG: Have you thought about leaving?
Trixie: I'm his elephant. By definition, I'm stuck. The bigger his mess, the deeper the mud I'm in. What paper are you with again?
TMG: The New York (coughing) Mind Gazette.

Mr. Sheen stirred. He woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across his head. I quickly hid behind Trixie. As Mr. Sheen left the room, he yelled, "Trixie, you're huge, ha-ha! But I love you! And you're welcome for those peanuts!"

Trixie grabbed more peanuts from the sack and laid them in her mouth. She chewed slowly.

Trixie: Time to go.
TMG: One more question?
Trixie: Shoot.
TMG: How's Oliver Stone to work with?
Trixie: Out.
TMG: Fine, but Charlie's downstairs.
Trixie: He won't notice. He doesn't notice people till about noon.

And with that, I left the room. Halfway down the stairs, I froze with my back to the wall as a nude Mr. Sheen passed me by, leaving the strong scent of peanuts and Trixie in his wake.

article by Michael Calienes

CBS cancels "Two and a Half Men." Other comedic permutations considered.

 

Now that Charlie Sheen has begun getting it all out of his system, it seems CBS has gotten him out of theirs. Aside from calling Alcoholics Anonymous a "bootleg cult" and that whole porn star  in the potty debacle, Tiny Mind Gazette's undercover reporters say he's been seen hollowing out  award statuettes and filling them with a combination of vodka and Four Loko.

Now that the Two and a Half Men time slot is officially open (though still listed as a current show on the network's website), CBS is exploring new ideas for highly ignorable sitcoms. Among them:

• Six People and a Cat
• A Priest, A Nun, and a Rabbi
• Three Bags of Weed
• Two Airplanes on a Tarmac
• One Guy on Twitter

Despite the stellar considerations being whiteboarded, we don't believe CBS will deliver anything worth the 30 minutes of airtime. We predict they'll be back with the more expected sequel, One Man and a Horny Teenager.

Photo Credit: Hollywood Reporter