Tiny Mind Gazette

300 Rotisserie Chickens Vanish, Baffling Scientists & Police (Dead Bird Scare #2)

Pesticides, Fracking… or Fowl Play??

First it was Red-winged Blackbirds in Arkansas, then came dead cows in Wisconsin. In Wapatusset, Massachusetts this past week, the talk has been all about chickens. 

 More than 300 rotisserie chickens have mysteriously vanished in the last three weeks. Managers of several superstores have reported the disappearance of roast chickens (in bullet-proof plastic boxes) at an alarming rate, especially with the recent frigid temperatures.

Wind turbines… or worse?

Local volunteers from the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute (who normally investigate marine life but always like a challenge) have been on the case, taking samples from other rotisserie chickens and examining environmental conditions. Townspeople have come up with several interesting hypotheses of their own, naming culprits such as: hungry Greyotes, “fracking” caused by ledge blasting for residential dream homes, and high-frequency vibrations caused by Invisiblines wind turbines.

However, police finally think they have a positive lead. Surveillance camera footage from supermarkets is fuzzy but seems to show a mysterious bow-legged, kilted figure leaving the stores right after the birds have gone missing.

Kilted chicken rustler strikes again!

Wapatusset Police Chief Liam O'Liam (left) opined that it could be that ever-elusive Scottish roast-chicken rustler Ian “Farmer John” MacDonald, who was arrested for pilfering roasted poultry from Henhouse Markets in the 90’s. He was recently released from “the pen” and was just seen in Northern Virginia admiring carousels of freshly roasted birds.

MacDonald is known for wearing a kilt and carrying a Scottish dagger in his left sock.  Another clue that it may be this master of the “Go and Carve” is the trail of carcasses and plastic containers left from the shopping cart racks to the worn trails leading from the edges of the strip malls.

Blame it on the haggis

MacDonald, 1983 (pictured on left)

A former neighbor said MacDonald once told him, “If I could find a decent haggis anywhere in this bloody country, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

MacDonald's M.O. is to load up the football-sized containers of roasters—one, two or even three at a time—under his kilt, between his knees, and shuffle bow-legged out of the store. The amount taken in each visit seems to increase with the decrease in outdoor temperature. Liam O'Liam speculated that the thief may be using the pilfered poultry for a dual purpose: “warmth and nourishment.”

Citizens of Wapatusset are asked to report any sightings of a bow-legged kilted gentleman, who smells like roast chicken, to Wapatusset Crimestoppers. Leave any leads in the Comments section below.

See also: Dead Bird Scare #1: Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach.  

– reported by the mysterious Dr. F with the assistance of unpaid interns and Crimestopper vigilantes

Breaking News: Mafia bust south of Boston?

Police BLOG: Special Report

Just one day after the “biggest mafia bust in FBI history,” police in Wapatusset, a small suburb south of Boston, rounded up eleven alleged mobsters after an exhaustive six-month covert sting op dubbed “Project Sub Shop.” 

O'Liam (hacked file photo)
According to Wapatusset chief of police Liam O’Liam, officers had been casing local Keno machines, pizza joints, donut drive-thrus and sub shops, conducting sophisticated surveillance with equipment obtained during their recent equipment upgrade (enabled by special town override).

Because the suspects were so overweight, O’Liam said it was not hard to nab them. Because most were in their 80s and 90s, they could not remember the crimes they committed. Lined up with wrists in handcuffs and bellies bulging over their polyester slacks, the men caused quite a spectacle in the parking lot of “House of Calzone” on Route 3B. 

"Fatso," "Meathead," "Tony Cannoli," "Veal Parm," "Stumpy," "Dumpy," "Dino the Donut," "Stuffed Shell," "Pasta Fazool," "Hot Gabigole," and "Fried Dough" are all in custody at the Wapatusset Police Department until further notice. 

Already facing accusations of ethnic stereotyping, the police department could not be reached for further comment at this time. Reports of a similar investigation involving pubs in the neighboring "Irish Riviera" community have not been confirmed. 

Stay tuned to details as they unfold.

Flock of Seagulls Drop Dead on Beach

Scientists, ornithologists, busy-bodies and media hounds descended on the tiny town of Wapatusset last week to investigate the mysterious death of hundreds (or, as some have estimated, hundreds of thousands) of seagulls. A makeshift laboratory has been set up next to the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute to conduct toxicology and other tests on the birds. Outreach and fundraising efforts are already underway to support their efforts.

 
Reports that "Flock of Seagulls" will perform at a benefit concert have yet to be confirmed. Local real estate agent and masseuse Glenn Denver has offered "Black Katz" (his Eagles tribute band) as a fallback, and will sing a selection of Sting ballads.

As unfortunate as this is, it has provided a new sense of purpose for local volunteers like Scrim Shaw, former director of GROL (Greyote Rescue and Outreach League). And for the many underemployed and bored townspeople, it's finally something new to talk about.

“This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the whale carcass washed up on Stony Beach,” said Joe McSmith as he took a break from a vigorous walk with his metal detector. Indeed, many notable items have been found washed up on the beaches of Wapatusset, especially during storm season (see "Jimmy Choo washes up on beach.") As Joe says, "In this crazy town, you just never know what will happen next!"

 
Local residents offered many possible explanations for the tragic seagull deaths:

• Rancid clam strips from greasy restaurant in “one of the neighboring towns”
• Collective McMansion Chem-Lawn residue from melt after recent Nor’easter
• Alcohol fumes from recent ladies’ New Year brunch at the Chardonnay Institute
• Electromagnetic disturbances from mass-scale Black Ops video gaming over winter break
• “Bad karma for stealing my sandwich last summer”

 Stay tuned for news at it unfolds…

- by CSI, animal control, and current affairs correspondent Agent SS

Weeki Wachee Leads? Who Hacked The Tiny Mind?

As Internet bandits and ruthless hackers continue to wreak havoc in cyberspace, the Tiny Mind Gazette is rapidly working to repair damages to its extremely popular online publication.

Although currently unconfirmed, it looks as though the same group of cyber-hackers that recently brought down two major credit card sites have taken aim at the legendary news source. As the Tiny Mind’s senior leadership staff and lead technologists (some formerly of NASA) operate under “Code Red Status,” the industry-standard site is being quickly pieced together into its proper format.

O'Liam (hacked file photo)

Fortunately, we were able to reach Director of Corporate Security   Liam O’Liam (recently retired chief of the Wapatusset MA Police Department), who had this to say: “It appears that a small group of unsavory hackers broke into the site sometime during the early morning hours. Damages include: the removal of all transitional verbs, adjectives beginning with the letter ‘K’, and any reference to small rodents.”

vandalized masthead (removed 12.10.10)

O’Liam went on to say, “The most perplexing problem is the badly damaged masthead. Whoever was responsible for this crime removed the publication’s regular masthead and replaced it with a crudely built version consisting of random photographs of Weeki Wachee mermaids.”

According to sources deep within the inner-confines of the TMG, an identical version of the original masthead is stored in an underground Iron Mountain® facility, located in a former salt mine somewhere in western Pennsylvania. A retrieval team has been dispersed and should be returning within the next few hours with the replica..

Investigators are not sure of the significance of the underwater mermaid imagery but are actively seeking leads, speculation, and valuable misinformation from the public.

Please stay tuned.

Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the  second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).

Nan Flanders (file photo)

Advice Columnist

Airport Security Screener

Alcoholic Beverage Distributor

Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Driver

Artificial Turf Manufacturer

Bail Bondsman

Ballroom Dance Coach

Bank Robber

Bartender

Bartender, Virtual

Bootlegger, Grateful Dead Tapes

Bowling Alley Shoe Sanitizer

Cabin Boy

Carny

Coach, Death

Coach, Life

Coach, Youth Sports

Coffee Bean Distributor

College Admissions Consultant

College Admissions Therapist

Communications Conduit Installer

Cremation Specialist

Death Tax Collector

Karl Havarti (file photo)

Deli Meat Slicer

Disney Cyrogenic Lab Technician

Drug Dealer

Drug Runner

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer, Undercover

Dunk Tank Operator

E-Coli Inspector

Escort for Hire/Socialization Specialist

Evil Villain

Fast Food Preparation & Distribution Specialist

Financial Aid Consultant, College

Follicle Management Engineer

French Meter Maid

Funeral Director

Gold Digger

Grave Robber

Gravedigger

Health Insurance Consultant

Hearse Driver

Helicopter Parent

Help Desk Attendant

Hit Man

Intern, White House

Jersey Housewife

Loan Shark

Lobbyist

Mime

Online Professor of Pharmacology

Parent-Homework Tutor

Pawn Broker

Pet Shrink

Plastic Surgeon

Plumber

Liam O'Liam (file photo)

Police Officer

Poodle Groomer

Pool Boy

Psychic, Online

Pundit

Reality Show Producer

Rehab Clinician, Celebrity

Robo-call Technician

Robocop

Scam Artist

Scapegoat

Shrink

Shrink, Family

Slaughterhouse Animal Manager

Social Media Guru

Socialite

Soldier of Fortune/Mercenary

Sports Drink Manufacturer

Super Hero

Tax Attorney

Tax Collector

Taxi Cab/ Rickshaw Pilot

Teacher

Teacher, Virtual

Televangelist

Tofurky® Molder

Toll House Cookie Baker

Town Crier

Town Drunk

Trophy Wife

Tutor

Tutor, Gifted-Focused

Wal-Mart Greeter

Water Aerobics Instructor

Yoga Instructor

Yoga Instructor, Hot

Youth Serum Distributor

Youth-Sports-Coach Shrink

Youth Sports Hydration Specialist, Equipment Manager & Team Transportation Executive

Youth Sports Shrink

Youth-Sport Taxi Cab / Rickshaw Pilot

Zumba Pants Sales Clerk / Zipcar Attendant

Police BLOG Re-runs: TMG Anniversary Special (part 3)

A year of petty crime, conspiracy and confusion on the mean streets of Waptusset.

Check out the TMG Police Blog. click here!

In case you missed these:

TMG Anniversary Special (part 1)

TMG Anniversary Special (part 2)

CSI Missing People Reports: TMG Anniversary Special (part 2)

Multiple Scrim Shaw Sightings as Manhunt Continues

Scrim Shaw (file photo)

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/06/multiple-scrim-shaw-sightings-reported-as-extensive-manhunt-continues.html

Manhunt Forces Overdue Changes in Police Department

Liam O'Liam (file photo)

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/03/last-weekends-manhunt-forces-overdue-changes-in-police-department.html

TMG Anniversary Special (part 1)

Best Spy Stories: TMG Anniversary Special (part 1)

Russian Spy Ring South of Boston

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/07/russian-spy-ring-south-of-boston.html

‘Spy Swap’ (not wife swap!) set for Russian agent arrested in Boston suburb

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/07/spy-swap-not-wife-swap-set-for-russian-agent-arrested-in-boston-suburb.html

The Russian Spy Who Snagged Me (or was it the other way around?)

http://www.tinymindgazette.com/2010/07/the-russian-spy-who-snagged-me-or-was-it-the-other-way-around-interview-with-tmg-publisherundergroun.html

Professionals Perplexed by Parker Posey Puzzle

Townspeople are still coming to grips with last week’s “Snack Attack,” as it’s been dubbed, involving Parker Posey’s body-double and a hungry Greyote. The incident took place while shooting a scene for an independent film set in a “quaint New England village.” (See last week's Police BLOG.)

Although the actress was not hurt, it has caused alarm in this quiet suburb where “nothing ever happens… I mean NOTHING,” according to a 14-year-old teenage girl who skipped school to sneak onto the set as an extra. “This is the most exciting thing to happen in Wapatusset since the Kevin Bacon double shot out of a cannon on Spritzing Rock Pond,” said society columnist Nan Flanders.

Shaw (file photo)

Scrim Shaw, director of GROL, has urged people to calm down and not jump to conclusions. “This whole thing is a lot of hype. Complete hogwash. And I think the danger level is being overblown.” He recommends changing the alert level from Hadley Red to Chesterton Buff. Having been “distracted by other matters” for some time now (and presumed dead for a brief period), Shaw says his organization plans to step up its education efforts in the coming months.

O'Liam (file photo)

Police Chief Liam O’Liam, on the other hand, is urging citizens to remain on alert. He will hold a press conference next week to answer questions and issue specific guidelines, including a possible curfew. Residents should prepare for strict regulations regarding Halloween trick-or-treating. When asked if canceling Halloween in Wapatusset is a possibility, the chief replied, “I’m not saying we’re canceling it, I’m not saying we’re not.”

Stay tuned for further announcements. 

- reported by Agent SS

Around the Pond: Underage Drinking, Cocktail Party Innovation, Jogging Stroller Race & Goose Shoot Postponed

miners (file photos)
Woman Arrested for Serving Miners.

A forty-five-year-old Wapatusset woman was recently arrested for serving alcoholic beverages to underage miners while hosting a recent house party.

“These young men work in a dark and dusty coal mine all day, which makes them incredibly thirsty. I asked to see some identification but their licenses were so smudged with dirt and grime, I could barely make out some of the characters,” said newly incarcerated mom, Brittany Spaniel-Dawes.

Her husband, S. Roland Dawes III, mentioned that Brittany’s eyesight was not what it used to be, and that she refused to wear her reading glasses.

With the closest active coal mine located nearly 300 miles from Wapatusset, local police investigators remain overwhelmingly perplexed.

 

Wapatusset Cocktail Parties With A New Twist.

Sure, you’ve been to a Wapatusset cocktail party. In most instances, after a couple of hours of chit-chat, schmoozing, and regular hydration, you walk away totally hammered. Local resident Meghan Labra-Doodle has come up with a clever solution. Meghan also serves food at her parties.

“The idea first came to me while scrap-booking,” commented Meghan. “I was looking through a box of my mother’s old photos and came to the realization that party hosts of my mother’s generation served some sort of food substances, in addition to heavily laced alcoholic drink concoctions.”

During a recent gathering, the Doodles experimented with their new theory. “We could not believe the difference,” remarked Meghan’s husband, Biff. “The next morning, there were fewer skid marks on our street, the mailbox was still upright, and we had fewer comatose bodies passed out in our shrubbery.”

The Doodles are currently planning the Labor Day Block Party for their neighborhood association. With their recent success, you can be sure that their upcoming social gathering will include crackers and cheese.

 

Jogging Stroller Drag Race & Canadian Goose Shoot Postponed by Wapatusset Merchants Association

Even though local retail sales numbers remain somewhat stagnant and in need of a strategic marketing boost, the local Merchant’s Association has decided to cancel two much-anticipated events.

R. Remington Winchester, association co-chair and owner of Sportsman’s Paradise & Taxidermy Center (covering all your guns, beer and tobacco needs), said that after a group vote, the organization would rather concentrate their efforts on the upcoming “Running of the Turkeys.”

“The ‘ROT’ was a huge event last year and with some of the new restrictions in place regarding trebuchet calibration, we are anticipating less property damage and serious injuries,” stated Col. Winchester. “Besides, the precision required to hurl a 20 lb. frozen turkey hundreds of yards requires an extremely comprehensive understanding of both math and science. We see this event as a wonderful partnering opportunity with our local public school system.”

In the Next “Around the Pond”:

 
• What about public parking for Flying Cars?
   Recently appointed fact finding sub-committee stares into the future

• New evidence suggests that Wapatusset ‘witch’ burned at stake in 1694,
   may have been suffering from eating disorder

• Local firetrucks & rescue vehicles replace tire air with helium,
   increasing tread-ware and reducing emergency response time

• Iodine: A Vodka & Tonic’s hidden secret Ingredient

• Scurvy prevention program introduced by local citrus growers