Tiny Mind Gazette

25 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks: For Home, Office and On the Road

At Home

1. Replace all of the oxygen in your house with helium.

2. Serve your Amish neighbor morning coffee laced with de-bearding agent.

3. Reprogram kids' cable box to only access only C-SPAN and the 700 Club.

4. Trap a sleeping squirrel in a Dunkin’ Munchkin box and secretly send it to school with your first grader.

5. Call-forward grumpy neighbor’s landline to funeral home reservations desk.

6. Blast noisy neighbor’s satellite dish with double-barrel shotgun; insist you were intercepting an alien invasion.

7. Empty soccer-mom neighbor’s bottle of Chardonnay; refill with Chablis from jug.

8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

9. Disguised as an electrician, reprogram annoying neighbor’s electronic doorbell with voice of Nancy Grace.

10. Disguised as a German mechanic, hot-vire neighbor’s expensive sports car and go for a joy- vride.

At Work

1. Disconnect all office mates' devices from wall outlets night before; cover outlets with Greenpeace stickers.

2. Arrive to work dressed in tux or evening gown; announce the start of formal Fridays instead of casual Fridays. Drink heavily throughout the day.

3. Tape cologne-scented magazine ads to bottom of annoying co-worker’s desk drawers.

4. Fill co-workers' trash cans with empty beer bottles and Texas Cheerleader magazines.

5. Hide Filet-o-Fish sandwich in co-worker’s desk drawer; see how long it takes to find it.

6. Put thumbtacks on boss’s chair, banana peel in doorway and TheraBreath breath monitor on desk.

7. Leave tray of Ex-Lax brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

8. Leave tray of hash brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

9. Cover your boss’s overpriced Japanese sports car with brick contact paper.

10. Park SMART car in adjacent cubicle; charge co-workers $1 for each ride up and down service elevator.

On the Road

1. Embark on cross-country mini-van trip with children’s mobile media center locked on either “Ishtar” or cable-access School Committee meetings.

2. Free penguins from local zoo and replace with inebriated office mates wearing tuxedoes.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

Calienes assumes position previously held by monkey for undisclosed sum.

Wapatusset, MA - February 1, 2011 - Mr. York Benchley, founder/ publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, has hired Michael Calienes for the position of Resident Generalist, Micro-National Affairs – a position that remained vacant since Mr. Benchley’s olive baboon, Bill, passed away early last year.

Under ordinary circumstances, finding a replacement would have been easy; Bill, however, was no ordinary baboon. He was THE monkey of the Infinite Monkey Theorem fame* which states: a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

“It was a dark day,” Benchley recalls. “When I broke the news to Bill that his latest creation, Romeo and Julio [sic], was yet another Shakespearean rip-off, only with an all-male cast, he was visibly distraught.”

Hours later, when Mr. Benchley returned from a morning of virtual acrobatic water skiing – the only activity that allows him to mentally disengage from the onslaught of today’s ongoing publishing struggles -- he found Bill crushed under his own IBM Selectric, a Padrón 1964 Anniversary Series cigar still burning in his ash tray.

 
After a painfully long grieving period, followed by an intensive three-day search, Benchley landed on Calienes because, “In all honesty, he was there.” Contract negotiations were complete after three personal Facebook messages and one tweet.

When pressed about his terms, Calienes said, “I can’t divulge the actual number, but there are a lot of zeros in it.”

Mr. Calienes joins an already-established team consisting of Doug Eymer, Sally Sisson, Morton Scrim Shaw the mysterious Dr. F, and Beau Doni. All three are reportedly human.

“We look forward to working with Calienes.” Benchley said. “We just hope he can beat Bill’s average of one article every ninety days. If he can’t, we’ll look into replacing him with an algorithm.”

*For privacy reasons, Bill always insisted that he be depicted as a chimpanzee.

“How to Be the Hit of the Holiday Party”: 7 Top Office Party Tips

TMG’s “Bad Advice” series

Forget everything you’ve read about office parties. Our in-house Life Coach debunks the standard do’s and don’ts and gives frank advice and practical tips you can actually use.

• Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

• After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

• By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

• Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:
  • “Small is the new big.” (Seth Godin)
  • “Green is the new black.” (Graydon Carter)
  • “Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.” (Tony Robbins)

• Shy? Sober? At a loss for words? Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.
  
  • “What’s your core competency?”
  • “Do you like animals?”
  • “So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…” (you get the idea)

• Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top” (Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

• Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

TMG's own life coach, crime reporter and society columnist is available to answer all your questions about party etiquette and work/life balance. Leave a comment below and we'll get back to your asap.

Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

1. Casual Day defined as wearing full pajama set – not just grungy t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

2. Wearing make-your-own T-shirts with slogans like “You’re not the boss of me,” “Freebird, Baby” and "Fear of Internet outage makes me extra jumpy."

3. Heated arguments with Terry Gross, Tom Ashbrook and Lakshmi Singh.

4. Coffee with Regis and Kelly.

5. Police scanner as “personal assistant” and excuse to “run emergency errand.”

6. Tweeting the “mother ship” in hopes of obtaining further instructions.

7. Texting neighbors’ cats.

8. Terrorizing squirrels with BB gun.

9. Scheduling lunch meetings with shredder, Crock Pot, and can of Ozone-Friendly Dust Remover.

10. Wearing anything with a Dunder Mifflin logo.

11. Terrorizing squirrels with paperclip slingshots.

12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

13. Impressing high school Facebook friends that you really know what you are doing and are NOT just wasting time when you should be saving the world or something. (There, I said it.)

14. Squirrel Taco Day at the home office commissary (just watch for the BBs since you can’t afford a self-employed dental plan).

15. Secretly digging tunnel to outside world with iPad stylus and broken beer bottle.

5 Mandatory Survival Tactics for "Telecommuters" & "Home Office Rats"

For new telecommuters and rookie home office workers, here are a few helpful tips:

1. Yes, changing out of your pajamas or taking a shower is work-time that you will never get back – but, you may occasionally run into UPS drivers or water department professionals, stopping by to read the meter. You don’t want them to start filing false Sasquatch reports. Rumors like these are often difficult to squelch.

 

2. After every 4 or 5 hours, get up and stretch – walk around your work pod/bunker, if necessary. Prolonged sitting may cause your body to actually merge with your desk chair, limiting future wardrobe options.

 

 

3. For companionship, consider acquiring a pet. For selection purposes consider a Chia Pet at one end of the spectrum and a Wild Boar at the other. Aim for the middle, possibly erring more to the left.

 

 

4. Beer is NOT a breakfast beverage.

5. Whatever you do – remember socks and flip-flops (combined) are NOT friends!

American Businessman Sleeps for Entire Two-Week Vacation

Jim Simpson, 42, was not trying to make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. He just wanted to get a decent night’s sleep.

But what began as a half-hour “cat nap” in a hammock in the Poconos somehow turned into a 282-hour power-sleep for the records.

His wife Pam had planned a full itinerary of “quality family time” at a family-friendly resort, including mini-golf, boardwalk arcade games, and visits to Splash City water park, a chocolate factory, and a local living-history museum.

“It’s hard to keep the kids entertained for 10 full weeks in the summer,” Pam explained. “Along with swimming and sailing lessons, our three kids each went to three different sports and arts & craft camp sessions. Now it’s August and they’re bored out of their minds!”

Unable to wake Jim from his slumber, the family enjoyed the activities on their own—except for one evening, when they propped Jim up in their triple jogging stroller and wheeled him to dinner at the hotel restaurant. When he failed to wake, Pam explained to the waiter that he hadn’t had much time off lately.

A well-dressed man at a neighboring table added his two cents: “Those lazy Europeans have five or six weeks’ paid vacation, plus they’re all drunk from mid-December through New Year’s Day. No wonder America is still Number One.”

Jim plans to take a week of unpaid vacation the last week of August, so he can clean the gutters and stain the deck while his kids go back-to-school shopping.

- reported by crime, travel + entertainment correspondent Agent SS

TINY MIND Internal Memo: Office Holiday Party Etiquette

FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY. NOT TO BE PUBLISHED!

For many of you, this is your first Holiday party at the company, and we certainly hope it won’t be your last, so our president wisely asked me to pass on these few notes to make sure no one embarrasses himself or herself during this festive event. (One study showed that up to 93% of employees in some companies lose their jobs over holiday party “incidents.” Some 11% do find them the next Monday, but many wish they hadn’t.)

The Boss says: “We want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and keep you here.”

ALCOHOL: There will be alcohol. Enjoy it responsibly. But do not use it to “hydrate.”

MUSIC APPRECIATION: The Boss will be playing the piano. He’s quite accomplished, and this music is his holiday “gift” to the company. However, a $1 tip is adequate and appreciated; $5 if you make a special request. It is impolite to request him to “stop playing those damn show tunes.” Also, if the Boss asks you to accompany him, do not sit on his lap, but sit next to him on the piano bench.

FOOD: With the passed hors d’ouevres, the procedure is to take one, and a napkin. Do not take the tray from the server, as this is a “shared” item, not delivered specifically to you.

Do not bring baggies to the party for “take out.” This is an eat-in party. (Same goes for nalgene bottles at the bar.)

It is best not to make “sandwiches” from nachos. They tend to split and splash and ruin the beautiful expensive shirt your beloved bought you a month ago and positively wreak havoc on what should be a lovely Friday evening at home after the party and instead turns out to be a hellish nightmare of recriminations of why you spoil everything good and suck the life out of the most joyous time of year by your slovenly habits and total disregard for the commonsensical behaviors of even the MOST PRIMITIVE MEMBERS of the HUMAN RACE—you ID-I-OT!!!!!  So we suggest going with the single-dip-and-bite method.

ALCOHOL:  Sip responsibly. Do not speak while sipping. Practice speaking silently before speaking aloud. If you cannot pronounce simple words in your head, such as your name, put the glass down and request a cab home.

SALUTATIONS: We call it a Holiday party to be inclusive,  but it is fine to say “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,” “Joyous Kwanzaa,” or even “Rapturous Festivus.” But do not say, “Wow, you could definitely play Santa!” Or “I finished all my shopping already! How about you?” Don’t say those things. Really.

MUSIC PERFORMANCE: If you decide to sing Christmas carols, make sure you are singing the same one as everyone else. At the same speed. Within at least two keys of the leader. Do not affect the style of a lounge singer unless you have a sequined gown, or a sequined jacket.

ATTIRE: If you have either a sequined gown or sequined jacket, please do not come to the party.

ALCOHOL: Try not to burst into tears for no apparent reason. The reason Lee never kissed you in 4^th grade had nothing to do with that haircut. Trust us.

MISTLETOE: The practice of “honoring” a sprig of mistletoe is a completely OPTIONAL act, not a requirement. Except if you see me standing under one, or simply holding one over his head. In that case, it is important to cheer me up, tell me I am “a valuable and loved member of society,” and “a shirt can always be replaced,” and “maybe a kiss will make you feel better.”

ATTIRE: when you arrive, carefully observe your shirt, pants, skirt, blouse, jacket, and or suit. When you leave, try to remember if they are the same. If not, check out Frankie in shipping.

ALCOHOL: Do not pull a barstool up to the bar. It’s not that kind of bar. Do not start pouring out your life’s tragedies to the bartenders. They are just local student temps and have their own angst over exams, and love, and the meaning-of-life and truly: they don’t really don’t care about you. Do not yell out “Drinks for everyone! On me!” We have tried this four  five years in a row, and apparently it is still not funny.

CO-WORKERS:  If you are standing close to anyone who shouts, “Hey, watch this!” do everything in your power to stop them.  (Sales reps on bungie cords, and department managers bowling with punch bowls, are just not holiday entertainment.)

FUN: Remember, this is an office party. So have fun. (All things considered, raises can always be rescinded; what seems hilarious and entertaining in your mind may not look hilarious as you dance “like Beyonce;” accounting jokes are really only funny to accountants; and most important of all: if you wouldn’t say it or do it any other day, why would you say it or do it NOW?)

So now that you are totally clued in, enjoy. We hope to see you again Monday. Really. Maybe in a nice clean shirt.   – J. DiCocco