Tiny Mind Gazette

Ironic Hipster Guide to Thanksgiving Dinner

If you’re a true hipster, you probably haven’t given the holiday much thought. Until now. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so it’s probably time to make some plans. And buy some food. Whatever you do, don’t try too hard. Or at least don’t look like you’re trying too hard.  

If you are a so-called ironic hipster, you’ve probably been planning for weeks and are carving a butter-sculpture centerpiece right this minute. In an ugly sweater. We’ve provided some extra tips for those of you looking to do it up, lamestream style.  

Some basic do’s and don’ts to start:

Guests
Invite an assortment of friends, co-workers, black-sheep family members and drifters. Include at least one hipster who looks like a homeless person. 

Table Setting
Do not match silverware. Provide a bucket of utensils, e.g., chopsticks, recycled sporks, tarnished serving spoons, Swiss Army knife, coffee stirrers, sticks. Heck, do not even use silverware. 

Do not set table in advance. Mix camping utensils, Boy Scouts canteen kit and fast-food take-out containers (cleaned) with heirloom china.

Serve wine (in-a-box) in old jelly glasses or plastic Pokemon cups. Again, do not match. 

Food 
Whatever.  

Dessert 
Do not serve pies. See “Ironic Hipster” ideas below. Or just smoke cigarettes.  

Music 
Records only, but nothing from a major label. Do not play anything on current college-radio top 10 lists. Heck, do not play music, period. 

Ironic Hipster Ideas 
Make a table centerpiece out of individually-wrapped Twinkies. Get creative and make a Jell-o mold turkey with a fan of Twinkies as turkey feathers. Or whatever.  

Green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup; sweet potato casserole with marshmallows. Duh!  

Make a playlist of Perry Como and Robert Goulet Christmas classics, mixed with some death metal. 

Alternative plan: Shave beards, set hair with curlers, and dress like 1950s sitcom family members. Disregard all hipster rules above and set perfect table and traditional turkey dinner. Order from restaurant if necessary.  

Happy Thanksgiving! 

See these past TMG articles for more ironic Thanksgiving menu ideas: 

The Sweet Potato Casserole Conundrum 

Thanksgiving Stuffing Cook-Off with Paula Deen 

TMG's 7 Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering (again)

Fundraising season is in full swing in Wapatusset, USA. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blonde rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.

To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought it might be a good time to re-publish our Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.

As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand while balancing a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.

Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activities—and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches—the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. 

The Seven Rules.

1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way this word is interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating’ means NOTHING in the middle of March!

2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt, and on the same day he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’

3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.

5. A Decorated Basket with Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest, Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.

6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?

7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. 5 Lessons with Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby.
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! ‘Run like the wind, Bullseye!’

Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!

- by TMG publisher/social critic Mr. T. Benchley; originally published in May, 2010

10 Hangover Cures for St. Patrick's (Recovery) Day

Feeling a Little Green Today?
Try these TMG-tested pick-me-ups to get you back in the pink.

1. Hair of the Dog Irish Mimosa: Use beer glass instead of champagne flute. Fill half way with plum juice instead of orange juice and substitute one cup of green beer instead of champagne. Shave dog. Add three hairs. Strain through green tiara from night before. Sip.

2. Hangover Helper: Take a box of Uncle's Ben Converted Rice, bring water to boil. Empty out the rice. Cook the box until it is al dente. Sprinkle with celery salt—you, not the box. Serve with Alka-Seltzer. (TMG is going for awesome product placement fees this week).

3. Go to tanning salon. Ask for green filters on the hot lights. Set phasers to “stun.” Cook for 15 minutes.

4. Dunk head in pot of briny corned beef cooking water. Keep submerged for 8 seconds. Gently pat dry with towel.

5. Shove half a cabbage head under the armpit of your drinking arm. Rub the cabbage clockwise in the northern hemisphere and anticlockwise in the south. Stand on one foot.

6. Voodoo cure: Stick 13 black push pins in the cork of the bottle you drank from night before. Spear cans of beer. Cast spell on co-worker.

7. Take your mind off your aching head by retracing your steps from last night to find all your missing clothes and returning the clothes you're now wearing to their original owner(s).

8. The “What Will and Won't Work” Smoothie: (combine remedies from all the experts)

• Take hot shower; fill mug 1/4 full with hot water.
• Take cold shower; fill same mug to halfway point with cold water.
• Get out of shower, get dressed and pour a shot of coffee and a shot of pickle juice.
• Pour shots into shaker and jog to grocery store and get orange juice (with shaker in hand).
• Run back to house and add one shot of orange juice.
• Sleep four more hours.
• Wake up and drink smoothie (with shamrock garnish).

9.  Medieval miracle cure: Chew dried eel for 2 minutes but no not swallow. Make facial scrub with ground swallow’s beak, bitter almonds and salt pork. Do not bathe for 3 weeks.

10. Circle your calendar for March 17, 2011 and start training today!

- compiled by the friendly staff and unpaid interns at TMG

The Artist’s Guide to Super Bowl Parties

You may be a perfectly well rounded designer, painter, sculptor, architect, actor, aesthete of some sort and have an acceptable knowledge of (and enthusiasm for) American football. For the rest of you, here are some tips for participating in this spirited tradition.

If invited to a Super Bowl party, you have two options:

• politely decline, and find something else to do with other arty friends (watch depressing Swedish film, sit in deserted coffee house…)
• accept invitation and spend the weekend picking an outfit and consulting football stats cheat sheet

The Super Bowl Party Outfit

If you accept the invitation, you must embrace the whole “national pastime” thing and get in the spirit. Leave the black turtleneck and sullen expression at home. You could go for something ironic like a shiny track suit or oversized football jersey with stuffed pillow to portray oversized sports enthusiast, but why not embrace your artistic spirit? Think jock-meets-performance-artist and you’ll be the hit of the party.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Cheesehead hat

The iconic accessory for the Packers fan. Forget the factory-made foam version and create a homemade conversation piece of your own. Think outside the triangle and dream up something unique. Why not incorporate real cheese? A Calder-type contraption balanced on your head could dangle bite-size pieces for the taking. Limburger, stilton, anything ripe and odorous will create a memorable impression. Carry a box of Triscuits as an accessory.

Steelers hat

Okay, this requires some creative thinking. Search your kitchen for anything made of steel. A stainless colander fits nicely on the head and is easy to accessorize. Or make an afro out of Brillo pads or steel wool. Better yet, a Sterno warming tray can hold a vat of mini hotdogs, making you a walking appetizer station. Just be sure to securely attach it to your head and to reinforce with duck tape under the chin.

If you’re more the self-conscious type, you can play up the Andy Warhol (Pittsburgh roots) thing and dress as a Campbell’s soup can or Marilyn Monroe. But then, that’s a bit predictable.

Bitter statement

Pretend you're a fan of a team that didn't make it to the Super Bowl. That gives you more leeway when looking for outfits and accessories. For example, you could bobby-pin a bearclaw pastry to your head, tilted like a beret, and say you're from Chicago. 

Wing theme

If you’re on the fence about who to root for, pick a food theme like nacho cheese sauce or chicken wings. You could stick your head in the cavity of a raw chicken (instant hat!), make two papier mache wings and glue them onto earmuffs, or make a Lady Gaga style “meat dress” with real chicken wings. Splash liberally with wing sauce and Tabasco and you’re good to go!

Remember: it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look. Enjoy!

- by Sally Sisson, TMG fashion and arts correspondent

Blizzard Preparation Strategy: 10 Simple Tips That May Help Determine Your Survival

1. Hide Toto

2. Cut down the Duraflame® tree. Separate into 14"-18" pieces. Wrap in colorful paper.

3. Break out Lil' Miss Williamsburg™  colonial candle-making kit. Carefully follow ye olde instructions. Maximize Candle Production Output (CPO).

4. Clear grocery store shelves by hoarding gallons of water, toilet paper, D batteries, Sterno® and cocktail wieners.

5. Fill bathtub with gin. Add ice. Garnish rimmed glasses with (scurvy preventing) tropical fruit.

6. Replace air in car tires with helium.

7. Neighborhood's dark. "Loot-topia" baby!

 

8. Free the pets! (while singing theme to "Born Free")

9. Mapquest* nearest armory.

10. Develop means to tap into neighbor's generator (and do so).

*term used as verb in this context

Readers Pick The Greatest Clicks: Tiny Mind Gazette’s Top 5 Stories of 2010

Number 5.
On The Road to Extinction: 25 Exits to Avoid on the Career Path Highway.

Excerpt:
As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Number 4.
Paging Dr. Barkle, canine therapist: Points For Pointer, Better Than Cats (again and again), Nuts About Acorns

Excerpt:
So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?

Number 3.
Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

Excerpt:
#12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

Number 2.
Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

Excerpt:
As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Number 1.
25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

Excerpt:
#14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

Happy 2011 from the editors, staff and unpaid interns of the Tiny Mind Gazette!

From the Safe Confines of Your Subterranean Home Office: Party Like It’s 1999!

Just because you “work from home” (WFH), it doesn’t mean that you have to miss the traditional office holiday party experience. In fact, working out of the home’s basement workspace might actually have its own built-in benefits.

3 Reasons that WFH Office Parties Rule
(and Traditional Office Parties Drool)

1. Fear not the sobriety checkpoints established by local law enforcement officials, hoping to trap weasel-like corporate muckety-mucks who have overindulged at the company Mojito trough.

Strap yourself into your knock-off Herman Miller Aeron desk chair and let the spiked eggnog flow (let it flow, let it flow)!

 

2. No need to upgrade the party threads. Very seldom are home office party celebrants visually present. Sure, there is the occasional web cam shot, but quite frankly, if you are dressed for success from the shoulders up, you are in the clear.

• Veer away from overstretched t-shirt necklines.
• Steer clear of tired Dunder Mifflin themed garb. No longer funny.
• Tuxedo t-shirts. Never funny.
• Take a walk on the mild side and try a button-down. (No, Mr. Peabody – Big Lebowski replica bowling shirts and olive-loaf patterned Hawaiians do NOT count.)
• Blue oxford cloth should be the baseline standard. Work upward from that.
• Horizontal stripes? Not a great idea. Remember the video cam can add 15-20 pounds!

3. Be your own Secret Santa. In kindergarten, you bought your friend Mikey that most amazing wind-up robot. Thirty years later, you still remember the twin lasers mounted on each fabricated metal wrist that could stop any bug DEAD in its tracks.

What did “Secret Santa” give you in return? A “Candy Book” of Life Savers®. A lump of bituminous coal would have been only slightly more entertaining.

Believe me, Mikey will NEVER make the virtual office party guest list. He’s probably running a pest extermination service in Dubuque (or inventing life-saving robots at MIT).

Carpe Diem, Bucko! Set your own flexible spending limit and purchase the Santa List item that is sure to fail the family muster.

You are never too old for a razor’s edge video gaming system. And hey! What would an XtendoWii365 (blah, blah, blah) gaming console be without a first person, shoot ‘em up war game? Besides, when the living quarters’ inhabitants retire for the evening, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t keep a “late night conference call” appointment with enemy combatants.

3 Ways to Keep the In-House Event “In Check”

1. Establish clear party “start” and “stop” times. Remember, there is a family (yours) living above your “corporate office complex.” While you attempt to give your “company” its well-deserved “space,” family members are contending with youth-recreational-event transportation logistics, mountains of homework and teenage hormonal mood swings.

As much as you want to inhabit your micro-Dexter Carrington corporate headquarters 24x7, there is only a hollow core door at the top of the basement stairs separating you and your virtual colleagues from the real world. From time to time, your presence on the “other side” is required.

2. Refrain from inviting people in their physical presence. Virtual People are so much easier to deal with! No need for a coat check, no worry about finding red wine stains on the shag carpet or (days later) shrimp tails jammed into your computer’s CD-ROM drive.

Your focus can be solely on your guests as you schmooze and mingle with each attendee on your online video chat room. When your conversation has reached its absolute peak, a couple of keyboard clicks and you’re on to the next guest.

A hand sanitizer station? Who needs one? It’s not like you’re going to shake hands with them. Traditional office parties are breeding grounds for colds, influenza, scurvy and much, much worse. The only real medical concern at a home office party is getting bitten by one of the hairy spiders that live in the corners of all basements.

3. Festive Food & Drink. Sure the refrigerator is right at the top of the stairs and through the basement door. And yes, there are the usual items: luncheon meat, sliced cheese, pickles, and the partially picked carcass of some sort of bird or large reptile. Today is YOUR special day so live it large!

During your morning post office/bank/coffee shop run, stop by the “Ready 2 Eat” section of your favorite grocery store. Ritz® crackers, Cheese Whiz®, salt & vinegar potato chips and – “what the hell” – grab a pre-made, cellophane wrapped shrimp ring. Remember, you’ll be eating for one, so go light on the quantity but heavy on the selection. A Wispride® Port Wine Cheese Ball is always a sure bet for any special occasion!

Drinks? Having top-shelf liquors on hand is no longer an issue. However, no matter what cocktail concoction you are swilling, make sure that it is in a presentable glass. Drinking directly from a bottle or can is a serious virtual-party faux pas. What if your guest, on the receiving end, has projected your image on a large wall? Your festive corporate event has quickly become a 15’ billboard for Mickey’s Malt Liquor®.

Also avoid:
• Malt beverage dispensing headgear
• Jagermeister Viking helmet
• Burger King collector’s glasses (high lead content, brand attribute depleting SHREK reference)
• Bathroom Size Dixie Cups
• Any type of lab equipment (beakers, flasks, burets or funnels)
• Plastic gasoline cans (of any size)

A Few Last-Minute Tips:

As an appropriate backdrop for your Web Cam:
Carefully rearrange the office furniture, drape a festive tablecloth over your computer printer. Better yet, hang a poster of a major metropolitan city skyline (NYC, Boston, LA, Detroit, Cleveland or Baghdad) as a classy backdrop. It works for Conan and Dave, why shouldn’t it work for you, Mr./Ms. CEO!

Duct tape cables, cords and power strips to floor so there are no post-party trip-ups. Remember, you need to be back in the basement by 8:30 AM the next day. There is no time for time-depleting trips to the oral surgeon or hospital emergency room.

Last but not least, within 8 hours of the event:
Shave, shower, and change out of pajama pants. We recommend finding a pair of trousers with actual belt loops. Oh, and socks, please!

Most importantly of all, relax, enjoy your pixilated guests and have a great time.
You deserve it. Now get back to work!

“How to Be the Hit of the Holiday Party”: 7 Top Office Party Tips

TMG’s “Bad Advice” series

Forget everything you’ve read about office parties. Our in-house Life Coach debunks the standard do’s and don’ts and gives frank advice and practical tips you can actually use.

• Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

• After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

• By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

• Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:
  • “Small is the new big.” (Seth Godin)
  • “Green is the new black.” (Graydon Carter)
  • “Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.” (Tony Robbins)

• Shy? Sober? At a loss for words? Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.
  
  • “What’s your core competency?”
  • “Do you like animals?”
  • “So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…” (you get the idea)

• Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top” (Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

• Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

TMG's own life coach, crime reporter and society columnist is available to answer all your questions about party etiquette and work/life balance. Leave a comment below and we'll get back to your asap.

5 Tips for Stretching Thanksgiving Leftovers

The TMG Thrifty Person's Guide, Vol. 1

1. Turkey Nuggets:

Grind remaining turkey scraps, skin and carcass in leaf mulcher or stump grinder. Throw in some stale breadcrumbs and Lawry’s seasoning salt. Mold into nugget shapes – or get creative with the kids and try some crazy animal shapes! Bake or deep-fry. Keep refrigerated in air-tight container until Christmas.

2. Puttin’ on the Ritz:

Chop leftover turkey into bite-sized pieces; freeze in ziplock bag. Press spoonfuls of leftover stuffing into empty ice tray and freeze. Prepping for your holiday party will be a cinch: Defrost the chunks of leftovers, place in layered fashion on Ritz crackers, and top with a dollop of cranberry sauce.

3. Smokin’ Turkey:

Many of our more fashionable readers are familiar with Le Whif, the smokable chocolate and coffee products. TMG thought this might be just the ticket for people still craving the holiday fixings but not the calories or post-meal bloat.

Our R+D team tried its own homemade version with dried, diced turkey. The quality was mixed, based on the stability of the rolling/wrapping material. In the end a corncob pipe was determined to be the most satisfactory, and dark meat was favored over white for its richer flavor.

4. Turkey Martini:

Flavored martinis continue to be a bit hit at our local fern bars and watering holes. After yoga class and before book club, ladies need a little protein pick-me-up. Especially during holiday shopping season. That's why our favorite mixologist at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies came up with his own hearty concoction: vodka, pureed cranberry sauce, and turkey jerkey. It's a great way to get antioxidants and protein, and still look good in your yoga pants.

5. Deep-Fried Stuffing

This Paula Deen classic is just as good with leftovers -- and a good way to get more mileage out of the gallons of oil left over from your deep-fried turkey cooking. Fry globs of leftover stuffing, or make corndog style creations by molding stuffing around leftover turkey chunks on a stick. Cool for 3 minutes before serving.

 Bon Appetit!

-- recipes by the TMG Test Kitchen editorial staff and unpaid interns

25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

1. Forget to defrost frozen turkey.

2. Leave plastic bag of giblets inside bird cavity.

3. Strangle a wild turkey in the woods; pretend you got it at organic free-range farm.

4. Forget to de-feather said wild turkey; call it authentic Pilgrim culinary custom.

5. Build faux turkey out of Papier-mâché and chicken wire, fill with stiff oatmeal, call it “Vegan Delight.”

6. Substitute mystery roadkill for turkey; call it venison.

7. Substitute bald eagle for turkey; explain it was Ben Franklin's original idea for Thanksgiving.

8. Buy live turkey, name it, introduce to guests, involve in children’s party games, cook and serve.

9. Attach 1-2 sets of extra drumsticks to Butterball turkey. 

10. Begin drinking before noon.

11. Wait until guests arrive to iron creases out of tablecloth and hunt for matching dinner napkins.

12. Do not wash dishes while cooking; stack in sink and on every inch of kitchen surface area.

13. Cook turkey until juices run pink.

14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

15. Cancel portion of cable TV that includes any sports/football programming.

16. Have male family members dress in indigenous costume and greet guests wearing only loin cloths.

17. Encourage guests to engage in friendly musket fire with live ammo.

18. Serve too much alcohol.

19. Invite random strangers from Indian casino to dinner; convince spouse they’re long-lost relatives.

20. Initiate lively conversations about politics and religion.

21. Place “kid's table” in dining room, seat adults in unheated garage/basement.

22. Invite ex-fiance/ee to Thanksgiving dinner; introduce to your spouse immediately following Jell-O salad course.

23. Run out of alcohol.

24. Instead of everyone’s favorite pies, experiment with a new dessert tradition, e.g. frozen Cool Whip turkey sculpture.

25. Politely decline all offers to help clean up; at the spur of the moment, invite everyone to stay over and enjoy curried turkey omelets for brunch.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our Tiny Mind Gazette readers!