Tiny Mind Gazette

Groundhog Day Roadkill Hangover: Wapatusset Walt sees headlights, followed by bright white light

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow yesterday. But local connoisseurs of fine New England roadkill were soon fixated on a different animal instead: Wapatusset Walt, the 250-pound possum, saw his gigantic reflection on the grill of an oncoming powder-blue Prius.

Legend has it that if Walt sees his last reflection on Groundhog's Day, the town will be blessed with a 6-week supply of delicious possum stew at Ye Olde Food Court in the atrium of the Liberty Hall Mini-Mall.

During the Possum Day celebration / memorial service, Tiny Mind Gazette publisher York Benchley (dressed in authentic ceremonial Speedwell Guild dress) scooped out the first ladle of steaming stew, tipped his head back and carelessly poured it down his open throat. Red-faced with a singed mustache, Mr. Benchley immediately spewed a spray of stew over the startled crowd of Possum Day revelers. The (other) high point of the celebration was the rousing YouTube classic, “Five Pound Possum,” blasted on multiple smart phones throughout the food court. Thanks to the recently installed church steeple cell towers, all 53 hand-held devices were able to receive clear and uninterrupted service.

The Speedwell Guild, as well as the Sisters of Sauvignon, will be soliciting bids from local taxidermists in an effort to establish a permanent Wapatusset Walt exhibit in the rotunda of the Town Hall.

Since the unfortunate incident, Mitsy Smitherton LeBoef, operator of the totaled Prius, has lost her enthusiasm for saving Mother Earth and is in now in the market for the largest American-made SUV available.

York Benchley is resting comfortably but is extremely irritated by the little tiny piece of skin that is still dangling from the roof of his extremely sensitive mouth.

5 Pound Possum: Recorded at a bluegrass pickin' near St Augustine, Florida.

–reported by Morton "Scrim" Shaw, deputy animal control officer and special correspondent

Church Steeple/Cell Tower Smolders as Citizens Point Fingers

 Rumor Alert:
As often happens in small towns, rumors about yesterday’s fire have been spreading faster than head lice in a second-grade classroom. Before we publish our factual report by two of our veteran TMG news reporters, we’d like to dispel some of the more ludicrous stories circulating through town:

#1: A busload of Amish people did not travel from Pennsylvania to Wapatusset to dismantle the cell tower inside the church steeple due to philosophical disagreements over the (over)use of technology in society. They were not part of the Amish Service Project (ASP), cleverly disguised as community service volunteers.

#2: One of those fictitious Amish settlers did not try to “defect” to Wapatusset society, having been tempted the attractive array of high-tech gadgets, middle-aged women in golf skirts, and men in German sports car convertibles. He was not chased to Buffalo, New York by authorities.

 

Act of God? or AT&T?
To the bewildered Wapatusset crowd gathered on the town common yesterday evening, the events of the past six hours felt much more like a nightmare than reality. It was only a quarter of a day ago that Reverend Torrie Pines had formally blessed the new X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church steeple.

 

 
Pines (file photo)
As the site of the formerly pristine house of worship and historic town landmark continued to smolder and smoke, some of the bystanders joined hands and sang Kumbaya, many with tears streaming down their faces. Not to be outdone, a group of “GLEEsters” followed with a dramatic rendition of “God Save the Steeple,” based on the Godspell hit with a similar name.

 

“It had seemed like such a great idea at the time,” stated V-Mobile communications engineer, Wayne Waubbins. “The town’s historical society refused to let us build a standard cellular tower, so we agreed to build one inside the steeple. We also knew that with the number of “Crackberries” in town and the nearly non-existent cellular service, this project would be of great benefit to everyone involved.”

 

Hooper (file photo)

Town fire inspector, Harold “Blaze” Hooper, had this to say: “We are thinking that the sudden lightning strike, together with the sustained heavy draw on the cellular signal, may have been the deadly combination that started the whole chain of catastrophic events.”

 

Bystanders reported seeing a large group of businessmen (possibly money managers and hedge fund operatives), smart phones in hand, standing on the grassy knoll by the pond immediately before the initial lightening strike. Other witnesses claim to have witnessed one, or possibly two, additional lightning strikes. Investigators, for the time being, are sticking by the “Single Strike Theory”.

 

McBryan (file photo), pointing finger at relevant Bible verse

“I am positive that we have witnessed an act of God,” stated assistant choir director, Norma McBryan. In the Good Book, Revelations I think, the use of electronic devices in, and within the close vicinity to a house of worship, is heavily discouraged.”

Franklin (file painting), Smalls (file photo)

A coven of local psychics claim to have had recent conversations with Benjamin Franklin, who made several direct references to the dangerous implications of the steeple-tower combo. “He presented us with very negative feedback concerning the project and suggested that we make every attempt to stop it,” stated Town Medium, Largie Smalls. “Unfortunately, this is our busy season, and with all of the tourism, carnivals and local fairs; we tend to think more 'in the moment,’ as we juggle busy summer schedules. The steeple debate was unfortunately not on our radar screens.”

Cell Towers In Steeples: Uglier Than Expected

architectural rendering of proposed cell tower/steeple

In cellular phone terms Wapatusset is in the proverbial DEAD ZONE. Residents might as well take their mobile electronics and skip them across Spritzing Rock Pond, counting how many times they hop – prior to smashing on the hard concrete pavement. You might as well carry a boat anchor around in your pocket. There is NO service.

To the youth of our fair town, this permanent state severely handicaps daily communication. “My texts just don’t go through,” stated 13 year-old Brittany Phipps of Boulder Street. “Taunting, provoking and demoralizing my peers through mobile Facebook has crippled my rise to ultimate power and popularity,” she quickly added.

To realtors, it is kept as a deep dark secret. “We make every attempt to accentuate the positive,” quips C. Hurmley Smythe, third generation realtor and president of Smythe & Spleen. “Wapatusset has the Center for Chardonnay Studies, the East Coast Yoga & Pilates Hall of Fame, the Independence Hall Mini-Mall and the headquarters for the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League (GROL) – but many sure sales turn to misses, when a perspective buyer attempts to make a cell phone call.”

Pines (file photo)

This is where the Reverend Torrie Pines, minister of the X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church entered the scene. Rev. Pines a former V-Mobile executive in charge of cellular signal delivery, developed a plan to turn the (slightly leaning and difficult to maintain) spire of the XUUC Church into a cellular tower – with construction expenses picked up by V-Mobile in exchange for exclusive tower usage, and church naming rights.

The project was quickly sailing through the many town offices, committees, and boards – until Tuesday night when the “Good Ship Torrie-pop” struck an iceberg of titanic proportions. It was R. Cleaves Speakes, chairman of the Historical Preservation Society who threw out the first stone.

“That is the ugliest thing that I have ever see,” remarked a sneering Mr. Seakes, as members of the V-Mobile X-Treme Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church youth choir, circled the boardroom, clasping architectural renderings of the soon to be re-topped temple.

“To go through with this plan would be to ruin a perfectly good church!” –remarked hysterical board member Shirley Stemple-Frack. Following a deluge of negative remarks and grumbling rants, Rev. Pines and company, packed up the plans and quickly exited the building.

The group will reassemble again next month for another round. For now, continue to love your land line. Someday soon, Wapatusset will enjoy a cellular dawn.