Tiny Mind Gazette

25 Best April Fool’s Day Pranks: For Home, Office and On the Road

At Home

1. Replace all of the oxygen in your house with helium.

2. Serve your Amish neighbor morning coffee laced with de-bearding agent.

3. Reprogram kids' cable box to only access only C-SPAN and the 700 Club.

4. Trap a sleeping squirrel in a Dunkin’ Munchkin box and secretly send it to school with your first grader.

5. Call-forward grumpy neighbor’s landline to funeral home reservations desk.

6. Blast noisy neighbor’s satellite dish with double-barrel shotgun; insist you were intercepting an alien invasion.

7. Empty soccer-mom neighbor’s bottle of Chardonnay; refill with Chablis from jug.

8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

9. Disguised as an electrician, reprogram annoying neighbor’s electronic doorbell with voice of Nancy Grace.

10. Disguised as a German mechanic, hot-vire neighbor’s expensive sports car and go for a joy- vride.

At Work

1. Disconnect all office mates' devices from wall outlets night before; cover outlets with Greenpeace stickers.

2. Arrive to work dressed in tux or evening gown; announce the start of formal Fridays instead of casual Fridays. Drink heavily throughout the day.

3. Tape cologne-scented magazine ads to bottom of annoying co-worker’s desk drawers.

4. Fill co-workers' trash cans with empty beer bottles and Texas Cheerleader magazines.

5. Hide Filet-o-Fish sandwich in co-worker’s desk drawer; see how long it takes to find it.

6. Put thumbtacks on boss’s chair, banana peel in doorway and TheraBreath breath monitor on desk.

7. Leave tray of Ex-Lax brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

8. Leave tray of hash brownies in office kitchen and see what happens.

9. Cover your boss’s overpriced Japanese sports car with brick contact paper.

10. Park SMART car in adjacent cubicle; charge co-workers $1 for each ride up and down service elevator.

On the Road

1. Embark on cross-country mini-van trip with children’s mobile media center locked on either “Ishtar” or cable-access School Committee meetings.

2. Free penguins from local zoo and replace with inebriated office mates wearing tuxedoes.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

Ask Johnny & The Spaz: The "Friendly IT Twins" Answer Your Office Technology Queries

Dear Johnny,
Whenever I open a Word document, I see the “Home” tab, but it never takes me home.

Why?

crazy4u, So. Wapatusset

Dear Crazy,

“Home” is just a metaphor (that means “symbol”) for a “destination” some of “us” refer to when returning to the place of “origin” of the “document,” not the place of our “birth” or upbringing or where we store the Wii. In many software programs, words such as “mailings” and “Acrobat,” do not bring us glamour magazines or circus performers. You see, a certain level of technical “sophistication” must be learned and earned—we cannot simply grant it from our “nest” on the fifth floor.

I hope this helps.
Johnny, Techmeister of the Year

------
Dear D-Man,

Sometimes I hear strange noises coming from a funny box near my desk and lots of very thin white stuff with magical scrawling comes out of it.

Runwitsizzas, Zone 479

Dear RunWit,

Not to worry; this is a common occurrence. We use software such as Word (many letters in small and large bunches), Excel (numbers and money things), and PowerPoint (pictures, arrows, dark and light areas), to produce “documents.” Sometimes we want to “print” such documents in color. In those instances, we “send” them to the big bright machine behind you to “print them out,” And thus the noise and white stuff. So don’t worry about those funny sounds; it means someone, somewhere, in your building is possibly doing something useful. Maybe. Probably one of the bosses. Hey—it could happen.

Word.
Johnny, Your Office Helper Guy

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Dear Spaz,

How do I become one your tech groupies?

Starryeyed456, Outside your office window

Dear Starry,

While we have unlimited capacity at Planet Spazmatonic, we do not have unlimited patience. We must separate the wheat from the barley, and then ferment the barley. Therefore, please send me a photo of yourself embedded in a Word document (or whipped cream), along with a 25-word statement as to why you would qualify as a Deputized Sheriff in the Great Techno KnowItAll Squadron, Secret Agent spaz’s Electronauts.

Slogan: “We’re not just technical geniuses, we floss, and use surge protectors, too!”

Motto 1A: “If it has electorific parts and wires, we know where the plugs are!”

Motto 1B: “We friggin’ love punctuation!%$#!”

Secret club password: SecretClubPassword. (This will be sent to you upon acceptance. You’ll be able to decode it with your Deputy badge. Hint: the hint is in the password.)

Brother Spaz, Lord of the Ether

------
Dear Delusional “Guru,”

Is Microsoft—or even anyone at TMG—aware you are disseminating this drivel?

jhg, Wapatusset Dept of Truth

Dear Jhg,

First of all, no one has ever called me a “Guru” before—thank you. (And you know we love the extra punctuation marks! Cool!) I understand your eagerness to learn more. It took me months before I learned drivel. To access drivel in Microsoft Word, open HOME, open OPEN, open EDITOR folder, open SCRIM SHAW, and just start sorting through the documents. (Caution: Do not open anything if you have a mouth full of liquid! He he!)

Thermo Spaz, The IT Vacuum of Knowledge

Tech Tip of the Season: Every keyboard (except for laptops) has a number pad.
Try tapping 2, 4, 6, or 8 and see what happens!!  (I know!!!! Cool, huh????)

Calienes assumes position previously held by monkey for undisclosed sum.

Wapatusset, MA - February 1, 2011 - Mr. York Benchley, founder/ publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, has hired Michael Calienes for the position of Resident Generalist, Micro-National Affairs – a position that remained vacant since Mr. Benchley’s olive baboon, Bill, passed away early last year.

Under ordinary circumstances, finding a replacement would have been easy; Bill, however, was no ordinary baboon. He was THE monkey of the Infinite Monkey Theorem fame* which states: a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

“It was a dark day,” Benchley recalls. “When I broke the news to Bill that his latest creation, Romeo and Julio [sic], was yet another Shakespearean rip-off, only with an all-male cast, he was visibly distraught.”

Hours later, when Mr. Benchley returned from a morning of virtual acrobatic water skiing – the only activity that allows him to mentally disengage from the onslaught of today’s ongoing publishing struggles -- he found Bill crushed under his own IBM Selectric, a Padrón 1964 Anniversary Series cigar still burning in his ash tray.

 
After a painfully long grieving period, followed by an intensive three-day search, Benchley landed on Calienes because, “In all honesty, he was there.” Contract negotiations were complete after three personal Facebook messages and one tweet.

When pressed about his terms, Calienes said, “I can’t divulge the actual number, but there are a lot of zeros in it.”

Mr. Calienes joins an already-established team consisting of Doug Eymer, Sally Sisson, Morton Scrim Shaw the mysterious Dr. F, and Beau Doni. All three are reportedly human.

“We look forward to working with Calienes.” Benchley said. “We just hope he can beat Bill’s average of one article every ninety days. If he can’t, we’ll look into replacing him with an algorithm.”

*For privacy reasons, Bill always insisted that he be depicted as a chimpanzee.

Readers Pick The Greatest Clicks: Tiny Mind Gazette’s Top 5 Stories of 2010

Number 5.
On The Road to Extinction: 25 Exits to Avoid on the Career Path Highway.

Excerpt:
As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Number 4.
Paging Dr. Barkle, canine therapist: Points For Pointer, Better Than Cats (again and again), Nuts About Acorns

Excerpt:
So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?

Number 3.
Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

Excerpt:
#12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

Number 2.
Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

Excerpt:
As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Number 1.
25 Incredibly Stressful Tips for Creating an Unforgettable Thanksgiving Day Meltdown

Excerpt:
#14. Conduct pre-dinner PowerPoint presentation (with pie charts) to entertain guests.

Happy 2011 from the editors, staff and unpaid interns of the Tiny Mind Gazette!

“How to Be the Hit of the Holiday Party”: 7 Top Office Party Tips

TMG’s “Bad Advice” series

Forget everything you’ve read about office parties. Our in-house Life Coach debunks the standard do’s and don’ts and gives frank advice and practical tips you can actually use.

• Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

• After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

• By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

• Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:
  • “Small is the new big.” (Seth Godin)
  • “Green is the new black.” (Graydon Carter)
  • “Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.” (Tony Robbins)

• Shy? Sober? At a loss for words? Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.
  
  • “What’s your core competency?”
  • “Do you like animals?”
  • “So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…” (you get the idea)

• Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top” (Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

• Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

TMG's own life coach, crime reporter and society columnist is available to answer all your questions about party etiquette and work/life balance. Leave a comment below and we'll get back to your asap.

Home Office Breakdown: 15 DANGER Signs

1. Casual Day defined as wearing full pajama set – not just grungy t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

2. Wearing make-your-own T-shirts with slogans like “You’re not the boss of me,” “Freebird, Baby” and "Fear of Internet outage makes me extra jumpy."

3. Heated arguments with Terry Gross, Tom Ashbrook and Lakshmi Singh.

4. Coffee with Regis and Kelly.

5. Police scanner as “personal assistant” and excuse to “run emergency errand.”

6. Tweeting the “mother ship” in hopes of obtaining further instructions.

7. Texting neighbors’ cats.

8. Terrorizing squirrels with BB gun.

9. Scheduling lunch meetings with shredder, Crock Pot, and can of Ozone-Friendly Dust Remover.

10. Wearing anything with a Dunder Mifflin logo.

11. Terrorizing squirrels with paperclip slingshots.

12. Developing blog stories that capture the attention of “tweeters” who ratchet up your page hit count by re-tweeting your potentially viral content.

13. Impressing high school Facebook friends that you really know what you are doing and are NOT just wasting time when you should be saving the world or something. (There, I said it.)

14. Squirrel Taco Day at the home office commissary (just watch for the BBs since you can’t afford a self-employed dental plan).

15. Secretly digging tunnel to outside world with iPad stylus and broken beer bottle.

Career Paths of the Future: 100 Jobs That Will Stand The Test Of Time

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the  second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).

Nan Flanders (file photo)

Advice Columnist

Airport Security Screener

Alcoholic Beverage Distributor

Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Driver

Artificial Turf Manufacturer

Bail Bondsman

Ballroom Dance Coach

Bank Robber

Bartender

Bartender, Virtual

Bootlegger, Grateful Dead Tapes

Bowling Alley Shoe Sanitizer

Cabin Boy

Carny

Coach, Death

Coach, Life

Coach, Youth Sports

Coffee Bean Distributor

College Admissions Consultant

College Admissions Therapist

Communications Conduit Installer

Cremation Specialist

Death Tax Collector

Karl Havarti (file photo)

Deli Meat Slicer

Disney Cyrogenic Lab Technician

Drug Dealer

Drug Runner

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer

Drug/Narcotics Enforcer, Undercover

Dunk Tank Operator

E-Coli Inspector

Escort for Hire/Socialization Specialist

Evil Villain

Fast Food Preparation & Distribution Specialist

Financial Aid Consultant, College

Follicle Management Engineer

French Meter Maid

Funeral Director

Gold Digger

Grave Robber

Gravedigger

Health Insurance Consultant

Hearse Driver

Helicopter Parent

Help Desk Attendant

Hit Man

Intern, White House

Jersey Housewife

Loan Shark

Lobbyist

Mime

Online Professor of Pharmacology

Parent-Homework Tutor

Pawn Broker

Pet Shrink

Plastic Surgeon

Plumber

Liam O'Liam (file photo)

Police Officer

Poodle Groomer

Pool Boy

Psychic, Online

Pundit

Reality Show Producer

Rehab Clinician, Celebrity

Robo-call Technician

Robocop

Scam Artist

Scapegoat

Shrink

Shrink, Family

Slaughterhouse Animal Manager

Social Media Guru

Socialite

Soldier of Fortune/Mercenary

Sports Drink Manufacturer

Super Hero

Tax Attorney

Tax Collector

Taxi Cab/ Rickshaw Pilot

Teacher

Teacher, Virtual

Televangelist

Tofurky® Molder

Toll House Cookie Baker

Town Crier

Town Drunk

Trophy Wife

Tutor

Tutor, Gifted-Focused

Wal-Mart Greeter

Water Aerobics Instructor

Yoga Instructor

Yoga Instructor, Hot

Youth Serum Distributor

Youth-Sports-Coach Shrink

Youth Sports Hydration Specialist, Equipment Manager & Team Transportation Executive

Youth Sports Shrink

Youth-Sport Taxi Cab / Rickshaw Pilot

Zumba Pants Sales Clerk / Zipcar Attendant

On The Road to Extinction: 25 Exits to Avoid on the Career Path Highway.

Note from the Publisher
Dear TMG Reader:
As the Tiny Mind Gazette enters the second year of publication, we have rehydrated our commitment to the responsible aggregation of suitable content. As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Today we are offering the first of a series of articles to be published under the subhead “Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour.”

Our initial feature article focuses on once-promising career destinations now headed for obsolescence. Here is our list (in alphabetical order):

ACME Dynamite Manufacturer

Aerobics Instructor

Avon Lady

Avon Lady Impersonator

Blockbuster Clerk

Buggy Whip Fabricator/Tester

Dinosaur Operator (at Rock Quarry)

Dog Track Maître d’

Full-Service Gas Station Attendant

Grocery Store Cashier


Hangman (in a wild west sort of way–not to be confused with corporate hangman/hatchetman)

Happy Meal Toy Manufacturer

Human Cannonball

Low-Impact Aerobics Instructor

Marlboro Man

Mr. Peanut Impersonator

Phone Booth Installer

Ponzi Scheme Broker

Oscar Mayer Weinermobile Mechanic

ShamWow Pitchman

Spittoon Manufacturer

Toll Booth Operator

Toupee Designer

Toupee Weaver

Typesetter