Tiny Mind Gazette

It’s Time to Put the “Control” Back in Animal Control!

Please allow me to thank all of the concerned citizens of Wapatusset who have stepped forward, encouraging me to throw my well-worn and tattered hat into the local no-holds-barred political wrestling ring. At this moment in time, following excruciating thought and only partially divisive deliberation, Morton Scrim Shaw has officially entered the race for Wapatusset Animal Control Officer.

To this elected position, I bring forth the following experience:

• former government agent
• movie stunt stand-in for renowned actor Stephen Segal (in Hard to Kill, Under Seige, and briefly in Fire Down Below)
• former witness protection program candidate
• NASA intern
• cross-dressing roller derby star (during stint as unpaid gonzo journalist for Rolling Stone)
• seasonal Hickory Farms cheese-sample attendant
• director of the Greyote Rescue and Outreach League

I have elected to move my career into new and unchartered territory—giving back to the community (for a modest salary and above-average medical benefits).

My current platform involves the following key points. As my campaign continues to evolve and fester, I will surely provide a sharper lens and more focused thought.

Critical Issues

Sasquatch:
Since the founding of Wapatusset in the early 1600s, rumors have circulated about a half-human/half-beast that has roamed this hamlet’s nearby forests. Some refer to him as a Sasquatch, others Bigfoot—and to younger generations, “that whacked out hippie dude that lives in a tree.”

As director of the Office of Animal Control, I promise to capture this creature, bringing an end to centuries of fearful curiosity and irregular tourism. Imagine the tourist dollars that a caged Yeti will bring to our cash-strapped town: customized “Monster of Wapatusset” t-shirts, coffee mugs, earth-friendly water bottles, and magnetic mini-van decals.

(Don Wingood of Wingood Graphics, I am counting on at least one of your votes.) 

All-Pet Licensing:
As a new revenue source, and as an effort to combat the injustice that lingers in terms of household pet ownership, my office and my appointed Animal Control Cabinet will institute a town-wide licensing program for all non-canine pets.

For an over-extended period of time, dogs have borne the unfair brunt of Wapatusset’s pet licensing requirements. Owners of cats, domesticated rodents, reptiles, fish and large poisonous spiders have been unfairly exempt from paying licensing fees.

Sure, it is nearly impossible to fit a collar around a neck-less fish. However, my exploratory team is looking into color-coded, adhesive licenses that may be applied to the exterior of fish tanks. Licensing fees will be determined by the number of (live) inhabitants within each water-filled tank. For the office waiting rooms of doctors, Chinese restaurants, and grocery stores,* there will be an additional surcharge for aquariums receiving significantly greater daily viewership.

Similar research is currently being conducted for the licensing of snakes and large poisonous insects, where a traditional pet collar/license is not feasible.

“Paris Hilton” Purse Dogs:
Yes, yes. I have received several complaints about these creatures (and their owners).
Apparently I am not the only one creeped out by the blonde Wapatusset cougars who insist on carrying around their unusually coiffed, rodent-like purse dogs. (From a purely visual standpoint, I’d say they are actually closer to a marsh rat than to man’s best friend.) However, I am thinking that perhaps we should not do a thing about them. As my dearly departed mother used to say, “If you ignore them they will just go away.”

While on the topic of demented furry creatures, my office is instituting a campaign that will hopefully make individuals more aware of diseased wild animals. Check out this for a bumper sticker: “If it Foams, Let it Roam!”

(Mr. Wingood, here is another business opportunity—if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.)

I had a fifth point but with lunchtime approaching, I’ll get to that one later. I am Morton “Scrim” Shaw, and I want to be YOUR Animal Control Officer!

*For grocery stores where tank inhabitants are sold for human ingestion (i.e. lobsters), temporary licenses will be made available on an as-needed basis.

TMG's 7 Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering (again)

Fundraising season is in full swing in Wapatusset, USA. The former (and still practicing) high school prom planners have refreshed their blonde rinses and have thrown out the first ‘Save the Date’ notices.

To those new to this season of bright and breeziness, we thought it might be a good time to re-publish our Rules of Silent Auction Maneuvering.

As a refresher, and to those who have recently entered the circle of high society (and low sobriety), this event usually precedes an event of high alcohol consumption and an under-abundance of hors d'oeuvres (what the French call ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ and ‘Bacon Stuffed with A Single Tiny Scallop’). Participants circle tables filled with ‘Objets d’Art’ and ‘Dreamy Getaway Packages.’ Upon spotting a desired article or activity, they sign their name to a clipboarded list (usually with their opposite writing hand while balancing a vodka and tonic, shrimp puff, paper plate and cocktail napkin) and jot down an ever-escalating price point.

Upon the conclusion of the evening’s activities—and prior to the parking lot fight that is guaranteed to break out between two heavily sauced Little League coaches—the clipboards are collected and the ‘winning’ parties flip open their checkbooks. 

The Seven Rules.

1. The Summer Cottage, Weekend Getaway.
Beware of the word ‘Quaint.’ English language scholars have found great disparity in the way this word is interpreted. When considering a vacation home, it is better to look for terms like: Plumbing, Electricity, Rodent-free and Roof. Check the availability. ‘New Hampshire Lakefront with plenty of boating’ means NOTHING in the middle of March!

2. Autographed Sports Paraphernalia.
Although a legendary third baseman, Smelts Blankstrom never wore that shirt, never intended to wear that shirt, and on the same day he and his 4th grader signed 75 jerseys just like that. A ‘Dogs Playing Cards’ reproduction will have more long-term visual interest hanging on the wall of your ‘Man Cave.’

3. If it is knitted, quilted or contains the word macrame PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

4. Sea Glass. Just say NO.
Sea Tarballs? Currently very popular, not a great long-term investment.

5. A Decorated Basket with Homemade Jam, Colorful Dish Towels and a Tea Sampler.
Unless you plan to visit your grandmother who lives in the deep, dark forest, Let it Go! Besides, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is just going to steal the goodies and eat you with them.

6. Sporting Event Tickets.
Sure, you love the hometown team. They are winners and are going to ‘Go All The Way’ this year. Please, pay attention to the opponent. The Royals, Lions, Rams, Nets and Orioles have moved into their owner’s basement and refuse to come out. These are tickets that NO ONE WANTS! Get it?

7. Learn to Walk the High Wire. 5 Lessons with Former Circus Performer, Chuckles Fernby.
Obviously, the V&T in your hand is not your first and probably should be your last! ‘Run like the wind, Bullseye!’

Best of luck out there. And remember, we tried to warn you!

- by TMG publisher/social critic Mr. T. Benchley; originally published in May, 2010

Tiny Mind Gazette celebrates its first anniversary!

caption: Wapatusset police officers joined reps from the Chamber of Commerce, the Bored Selectmen, the Hysterical Society and the Speedwell Guild to honor TMG today at the Legion of Honor.

Hap-py An-ni-ver-sa-ry!

It’s hard to believe that the now-world-famous Tiny Mind Gazette has only been up and running for 365 days. It seems like only yesterday that we packed up the fried dough truck and jumped on the social media bandwagon!

Thanks to our loyal fans for reading, commenting, contributing and being part of our growing online Tiny Mind community (351 Facebook fans and counting). We are proud to bring huge streams of tax revenue into our tiny town coffers, while providing news you can use.

Our hard-working editorial and design staff and team of unpaid interns will continue to provide fashion tips and unsolicited advice while uncoveriing conspiracy theories, fraud, petty crime, suburban drama, suburban spy rings and unsolved mysteries. We're here to serve and hope you'll send feedback or news tips and ideas at any time.

How the Tiny Mind Gazette came to be

Maybe you’ve asked yourself questions like:  

• What is the Tiny Mind Gazette?
• Is it an anti-government conspiracy?
• Who are these people?
• Don’t they have anything better to do?
• Why are their minds so tiny?
• Have they gone off their meds?
• What do they have against blondes?
• And blondes in yoga pants?
• What is this obsession with Greyotes?
• What the hell is a Greyote anyway? or:
• WTF is TMG, and how did they get my email address?

Reminiscense Week

We hear you. So over the next week we’ll try to get you up to speed with the most newsworthy and trivial happenings over the past year in the town of Wapatusset. So grab a Narragansett, neighbor, and enjoy the reruns. But first, read these posts on the what, where and why behind the Tiny Mind:

Mandatory background reading:

Wapatusset, Greyotes and the Death of Scrim Shaw

Tiny Mind Gazette Initiative: A statistical snapshot

Sally Sisson on Writing for the Tiny Mind Gazette

'Spy Swap' (not wife swap!) set for Russian Agent Arrested in Boston Suburb

With rumors swirling around Wapatusset concerning the recent arrest of Muffy Milken (a.k.a. Natasha Fatale), residents are getting a mix of fact and fiction from the local grapevine. Here’s an attempt to set things straight.

Bebe Boesky | a.k.a. Muffy Milken (file photo)

FACT:
The Russian woman known in America as both Bebe Boesky and, most recently, Muffy Milken, was arrested for suspicion of spying for the Russian government. She is being held without bail in the Wapatusset Police Station jail. (See “Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?" for details.)

Earlier today, major media outlets released news of a “Spy Swap”, in which several suspected spies (including Ms. Milken) are to be escorted to CIS (Central Intelligence Spy division) headquarters in Alexandria, VA. Top-secret plans are in the works with officials in Moscow to broker a deal.

news anchor, Edwardo Anthony (file photo)

Here’s where signals got crossed:
First, TV news anchor Edwardo Anthony confused the CIS with the local ICS (Institute of Chardonnay Studies) in Wapatusset during his mid-day broadcast. Being a Wapatusset resident himself (and a regular at the Institute), it was an understandable mistake. But this gaffe set the town abuzz, and gossip-mongers started chatting and tweeting away.

Just like an old-fashioned game of “telephone,” the story twisted like a Mobius Strip. Soon the talk was about wife swapping in Wapatusset, with the Institute of Chardonnay Studies as the nexus of activity.

Hooking up with the Joneses

Board members of the Institute quickly called their PR rep to dispel the rumor, and agents from nearby Scrodwell Banker came to their defense as well. “We are so tired of that old Boston Magazine article tarnishing our town,” said Jane Peyton. “Just because we closely resemble a certain town of similar size, geography and demographics does not mean we are that town!"

"For the last time–all this nonsense about car keys and gnomes is pure fiction.”

We’ll leave it at that. Stay tuned for developing news on espionage--and intrigue.

Russian Spy Ring South of Boston?

Wapatusset tennis mom leads double life
as Russian double agent

Name(s):
Olga Osetra, Vladlena Von Stroganoff, Siegfrieda Shtarker, Natasha Fatale*

Aliases:
Muffy Milken, Bebe Boesky

Favorite T.V. show:
Get Smart

Cocktail of choice:
Vodka martini (straight up, two herrings)

*according to multiple passports; currently under investigation

TMG search for most Unpatriotic American uncovers
top-secret surprise!

Fully integrated into suburban life in the upscale seaside community of Wapatusset, this Russian double agent operated well under the radar of government authorities for four years and two months. Tennis mom by day, socialite by night, “Muffy” (as she is known in Wapatusset) was a staple at yacht club parties and art show openings, and sat on the board of directors at the Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

Days after moving to town from New Jersey in 2006, she cropped her brunette locks, going for a cross between the “Hingham helmet” and “soccer mom bob” styles recommended by local hairdresser Andrei Boris. He then sent her straight to the colorist down the street for a full-head treatment of blonde Formula 02025 to complete the package. 

She took tennis lessons, joined the PTA, and spent hours supervising her landscaping crew as they tended to her manicured lawn and hydrangeas. Last year she even bought a Prius (retrofitted with a V-8 engine and enlarged gas tank). If it weren’t for the hard work of a hard-hitting investigative journalist at TMG, Muffy would still be sipping Chardonnay at her book club and selling secrets on the side.

Gotcha! How the spy was snagged

This past week, while the TMG editorial staff was combing the 50 states for uber-patriots (see “Most Patriotic People in America”) our publisher/design guru was holding down the fort—or so we thought. In his quest to find the most UNpatriotic person in America he scoured every watering hole in Wampatusset (and environs within a 10 mile radius), chatting up strangers and eavesdropping on suspicious conversations, day and night.

Although he encountered a fair amount of liberal-East-Coast-media-elite bias, it was hard to find the radical hard-line Unabomber type he had in mind. This was exhausting investigative work, and although after a 5-night bender his wife kicked him out of the house and forced him to sleep in the shed with the dog, he carried on, in the name of quality journalism and patriotic duty.

Then, one night, when he least expected it, he spotted her. She was sitting at the bar at the Chardonnay Institute, sipping a well chilled vodka martini. The KAOS tattoo on her left shoulder was a dead giveaway. Little did he know he’d find he’d find the most un-patriotic person in the entire country right here in his own home town.

Because the case is under investigation, we cannot divulge the details of the subsequent conversations between TMG, the Wapatusset Police Department, and the FBI at this time. Stay tuned for developing news and interviews.

-- reported by Agent SS

 

HEADLINE News Bombshell: Secret Formula Stolen from Wapatusset Hair Salon

The Wapatusset Police’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit has been actively conducting intensive surveillance operations (ISO) and semi-covert and moderately clandestine investigative activities (SCMCIA), in and around local hair removal and management facilities.


Without the appropriate chemistry local salons will continue to remain empty.

The uptick in police activity is the result of a major burglary at the Salon Follicules Indomptées, (formerly ‘Hair, Hair The Gang’s All Hair’). Late Tuesday night, an individual (and perhaps an accomplice), entered the salon’s rear storage room by tunneling through the building’s foundation from the cordials aisle of the adjacent liquor store, The Village Whiner.

The cash register was left untouched, but a large three-ring binder and several bottles of chemicals have been reported missing.

The Tiny Mind Gazette, has learned that the binder contained the recipe for Formula 02025 and the dozen or so plastic bottles contained the only known premixed bottles of the super-secret solution – known locally as Blonde Ambition or The Blonde Side.

“Imagine if the Colonel’s secret recipe was missing or better yet, if some Commie Russians cracked the Big Mac code for the special sauce!,”stated cosmetologist-in-training and salon assistant manager, Chris Follicle. “I am sure that not even Hairdo-Guru, Paul Mitchell, had to deal with entanglement like this – even on his worst bad hair days."

For a town with a female blonde population that greatly exceeds any Scandinavian country’s per capita statistics– the heist of Wapatusset’s favorite hair dye is not only a severe blow to the local hair care industry but experts fear a severe disruption in the village’s collective positive self-esteem.


Lahmp in 'lighter mood' file photo

“Even in my dreams, I see myself as a blonde. I am not sure if I am capable of going through life as a brunette – or worse yet, a redhead! – OH (long pause) MY (long pause) GOD!,” stated a severely verklempt, Tiffany Lahmp, Reigning Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves and 2008 Miss Wapatusset Water Department, runner-up.

O'Liam says police department remains 'clueless'. file photo

Our own investigative news team was able to reach lead CSI detective, Liam O’Liam, who had this to say – “We need to get to the roots of the problem before someone else dyes.”

Pines, candlelight vigil expert & co-owner of Wapatusset Parrafin Supply Company file photo

An ecumenical candlelight vigil will be held at 7:30pm on Thursday evening at the Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower. The service will be lead by Reverend Torrie Pines, a recovering Toe Head, who has recently allowed himself to go gray.

Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates as we continue to comb for more details.