Tiny Mind Gazette

Summer Solstice 2010: a special report

Wapatusset women let down their hair yesterday to “embrace their inner druid” and celebrate the longest day of the year in New Age splendor. Trading their J. Crew separates for gauze sarongs, they shopped for semi-precious stone jewelry, soy candles and anti-aging creams at booths surrounding Spritzing Rock Pond. The event, sponsored by the East Coast Yoga and Pilates Hall of Fame and the Chamber of Commerce, drew more than 300 attendees.

 


Local caterers donated a three-foot-high scale model of Stonehenge, made entirely of Vermont goat cheese. (The originally commissioned tofu Stonehenge was determined to be “gross” and voted down by the food committee.) Radish rosettes and asparagus spears tied into Gordion knots surrounded the mini monolith, creating spiritual vortexes that mysteriously attracted women (and a handful of men in sandals) to the sacred spot.

Rev. Pines (file photo)

The Rev. Torrie Pines from the X-Treme Ultimate Unitarian Universalist Church and Cellular Tower blessed the goat cheese masterpiece before allowing visitors to dip into it with artisan flatbread crackers. In his brief speech titled “Feeling Good About Yourself From Dawn til Dusk,” the Reverend challenged onlookers to make the most of the longest day of the year by focusing on their inner and outer beauty. “Today is all about you. Be the best that you can be. The stars are aligned. There’s nothing you can’t achieve!”

He went on to explain how a curious mix of circumstances—including electromagnetic waves from the new V-Mobile cellular tower in the church spire, plus astrological energy shifts and planetary alignments—had created a small-scale “power center,” similar to that of the great Harmonic Convergence of 1987. “California’s Mt. Shasta and Wapatusset’s Spritzing Rock Pond will now be smack-center on the map as the major centers of spiritual energy."

Police officer, Liam O' Liam enjoys festivities while on undercover detail.

Interactive features included a Lily Pulitzer skirt-burning station, a kaballah tattoo parlor, and free “lip plumping” trial treatments from the Wapatusset Wellness and Botox Center. Glenn Denver, proprieter of Sweatlodge Massage, gave out discount massage and foot detox coupons, plus free “Real Men Do Pilates” t-shirts. The Rev. Torrie Pines, who also works as a part-time motivational speaker, sold autographed copies of his best-selling audio book series, while the Chamber of Commerce handed out free "Sedona East!" bumper stickers.

 

The afternoon was full of happiness and self-esteem. However, the late afternoon heat and humidity caused the Stonehenge sculpture to droop and event organizers to run for extra St. John's Wort. A sudden rainstorm sent women running to their SUVs—just in time to make it to a summer fashion show and book talk at the air-conditioned local Institute of Chardonnay Studies.

-- reported by spiritual expert Agent SS

Your Horoscope By Beau Doni

An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the Great Seer has revelations.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—Oooooo, good 

one this month! Someone in your family is plotting to kill you! But don’t worry. This is just your paranoia being played out by others. Eat bananas to stay calm.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—This is an excellent month to eat more fruit. We have a great deal for our readers. Please call Beau Doni Fruit Sales at 666-678-1000 for specials on fruit. Hurry—supplies are limited.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 19)—No, others do NOT hear the sound of the ocean crashing all day long. Get out and see more of the world. Sheesh.

AlsaceLorraine The Region (March 20)—This is definitely the time to make a job move. Ask for a desk closer to the boss. Hold off on using the copier as a personal x-ray until next month.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)— Your in-laws suspect it was you who left the thing in the place. Either retrieve it or blame it on Ernest. Also: buy a blender; they’re great for making smoothies.

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—I see lots of fruit in your future. Probably tropical.  You need more fiber to keep your temperament in check. How recently have people asked you to “Puh-leeze keep your s*** together???” See what I mean?

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—This is a terrible month to attempt gardening, because Venus is in retrospect. Instead of growing it, stock up on fruit from outside sources.

Lexus The Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend)—Strangers will come to your door with bibles and messages from God. Invite them in and keep plenty of fruit on hand to serve them.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—With the moon’s ascendance, this becomes an excellent month for working, working out, and exercising. Build up a good appetite and eat all the major fruit food groups at least five times a day.

June Brides (The Zillas)— Jupiter is on a spiral axis with your socks, so wash them twice a day (after removing them). A great month for wearing your hair up in French Revolution style and for getting that “secret” tattoo bleached. Yes, you ARE cuter than Miley Cyrus, and that’s (mostly) a good thing.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This will be a month of tough decisions and financial uncertainty. Set aside a small fund to keep an adequate but secret supply of an important food group. (Need we say more?)

Iglesias The Crooner (Toad Hop Day)–Indulge more in music during this period, and by indulge, we mean hum while eating apples, pears, and mangoes, preferably at different times. Though some will tell you otherwise, avoid seeds and the seeding of others this month.

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22)—Use extra moisturizer the next few weeks, especially on your skin.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—The moon is in catharsis this month, so be wary of making any major decisions. If the first couple of days go poorly for you, just stay inside with your blinds drawn all month. Fill your tub with jello.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)—Floss more this week. Speak kindly to those stupider than yourself. Dance as if no one was looking. Disregard my videocam.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)—I had something really important to warn you about but I couldn’t remember by my deadline. Damn, my bad. Ha ha—what can you do? Anyway, stay alert. Meanwhile, eat a quart of strawberries and two pounds of bananas every day.

By Beau Doni, Great Seer, Smeller, Taster, Fruit Vendor Extraordinaire

Horoscopes by Town Medium, Largie Smalls

Waputasset Horoscopes Feb. 10, 2010

“Where The Best Fortunes... Are Free”
by Your Town Medium, Largie Smalls
 

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—Though your creative fires burn, you will be crushingly boring at any party you attend this month. Best to stay home and nurture that budding agoraphobia till the new moon.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Pisces, Pisces, Pisces, when will you get out of that rut? Time to start a new venture, this time avoiding involving multi-level marketing or typing at home. Try breaking out and wearing something “not gray” this week.Lexus The Luxuriant (President’s Day Weekend)—this is not usually the time to show off. But buy as many new clothes as you like, because there's a “big event” just a few weeks away. Order vegetable tempura twice. Also, Pat is probably cheating on you again; call Jerry The Hammer.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)—It looks like that big promotion is just not going to happen for you, following the incident with the marmalade, the copier, the unattended UPS truck, and that saucy minx from accounting. But persevere because a cure for your mystery itch is just around the corner.

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—You’re beginning to smell funny and the neighbors are definitely plotting against you. This is normal for February, but spring will bring new surprises, possibly including handcuffs.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—You never return my calls. You are both morons. Eat doo-doo and die.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—I always mix you up with Libra, not sure why. LOL! Soooooooooo, um, things will all work out if you just believe and keep your nose to the grindstone, one stitch at a time. Count backwards by 7s, starting at um…the letter R.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This is the month to send out that screenplay about the two weavers who find the magic thimble and learn the secrets of root vegetables. Repeat your order in the doughnut shop very loudly.

Iglesias The Crooner (1987)—The alignment of stars indicates you need to stop referring to yourself in third person. Cultivate new friends soon, because Aquarius is looking to kick some ass if he gets outside, possibly yours.

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Venus is in vitro, closely followed by Jupiter, who lost his truck “somewhere in Hingham.” It bodes not well for virgos not using condoms.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—At last, at last, you can open that can of tuna you were saving for that “special day.” Your pets will treat you like royalty all this week. Smile often, but don’t look behind you.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)— This is an excellent time to confess your long-held secrets, just not on YouTube. As Mercury ascends, you’ll find that quarter you lost behind the couch last year.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— A good week to wipe more than usual.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—A time of reflection for you on what you did last weekend in that costume, and I advise you to seek help. This sort of thing is not normal. Really. I mean it.

– Largie Smalls with editorial assistance from Beau Dohnie