Tiny Mind Gazette

Horoscopes | May 2013 by Beau Donie, Seer Without Peer, Font of Wisdom, Shedder of Light, Lingerie Model

(Predictions Guaranteed Accurate up to 55mph)

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for finding the perfect match, though probably not for you. Avoid all cracks or you may break your mother’s back. True story.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: This will be a month of rain and wonder for you, no matter what is happening elsewhere in your house. Be open to new people and new ideas, but not New Jersey.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Someone close to you will have a very big secret soon. It will involve ketchup and a long lost aunt. Act surprised when you hear it, but be prepared to use your ATM often once it’s all in the open.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Experiment with your wardrobe this month. Free yourself from the conventions of “tops” and “bottoms.”  Make a hat from grass—any kind.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Small children will find you amusing during this period, although the police may have different ideas. This is a wonderful month to try driving with your toes, but not in busy streets or near cliffs. Tie ribbons in your hair, especially your leg hair.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Your rash will finally heal, but your neighbor will find a similar growth on his cheese so turn down any dinner invites for at least two months.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A female in your family will develop bird-like habits, including walking along the wires outside your home. I counsel keeping your distance, but please take lots of photos and forward them to Tiny Mind Gazette. Who knows? She may be starting a trend, or even expressing a genetic mutation.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: This is a wonderful time to break out of your shell. I suggest role-playing. For example, walk into a furniture store and pretend to be a salesperson—give enormous discounts on a living room set and watch the fun ensue. Or buy a can of yellow spray paint, knock on a random door, and tell the occupants you need to mark areas for DigSafe, and then make lines all over their carpet. Isn’t this invigorating?

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A good month to experience nature. Stand in the woods until a tree falls and listen for a sound. Look for hives made by chipmunks. Invite a badger family to play backgammon or ping pong. Count the rings on a living tree.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Yes, this is the time to try that thing you’ve been wanting to do. But timing is everything. Ready?......Wait….hold on…… just a bit longer…good, now…hold it……good……okay: swallow! Was it everything you hoped? Okay, now give it back to the cat.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Shave your parmesan extra thin, and nail the longer pieces to your front door. This will ward off the bad luck that was heading your way.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: No one needs to know what’s in your backyard, so don’t feel a need to discuss it, especially during any random radio interviews. It’s a good month for you to look skyward often. When using fast food restaurant sugar or condiments, open all those little packets from the back side only.
 

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

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Like a the return of a Bad Rash: Behold! Horoscopes for February 2013

By Beau Donie | The Seer Without Peer

February 2013

Aquarius (January 20 to February 19) :: Consider the arts. Consider the sciences. Now consider that in most zoos, the appropriate position of the creatures inside the bars and outside the bars are tragically reversed.

Boehner the Resistor (February 19.1  to February 19.9) :: Call up someone important today. Oppose any attempts to compromise your true feelings, no matter how uncertain you are. Visit North Korea. Stay there.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: Travel travel travel. Buy maps and a GPS and a fine walking stick, and away you go. Bring scented soap and a recipe for making stew from oak leaves. If you can’t speak a foreign language, make one up.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hope is not a plan. You must get out and participate in life.  Move your money into safer investments such as iron. It’s really heavy and much harder to steal than software. Take more walks in the starlight. Be open to love. But carry Mace.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Embrace your inner child. Drool freely and often. Poop whenever and wherever you like. Nap often. Throw food you don’t like. Stare at breasts if it relaxes you.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: The twins experience a rough period. But then things cool down. Then they ramp up again. Then they relax a bit. But JUST when they get comfortable, something goes really haywire. But they get over it and eventually all is smooth. But only for a half-hour, then friggin’ mayhem again. Best to stay home under the covers for a while. Bring canned goods and a flashlight.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Others will notice your change before you notice it yourself. They may compliment you, but don’t believe it—it is a way of covering shock. Once you identify the problem (hint: mirror), get yourself to a veterinarian as fast as possible and have it removed. Then, before you reenter social company, be ready with a really good explanation, because that stuff hasn’t happened since the days of LSD.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Take advantage of the New Year by reinventing yourself. This is an intellectual, not a biological exercise. Previous readers have misplaced essential body parts. Remember, “wearing your heart on your sleeve” is just a figure of speech.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: This is an excellent month for you to eat foods that begin with the letter “R.” But remember to ramp up your exercising. Love may be waiting right around the corner, but if it jumps out of a cardboard box, keep walking.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Give vent to your compulsive side. Plan a “Dance to Autumn” party. Send out invitations today and allow the event to entirely consume you for the next six months. Assign, reassign, and reassign seating arrangements once more until you get writer’s cramp. Visit numerous flower shops and bakeries. Make giant origami from sheets of industrial aluminum. Audition bands in your basement. Pass out leaflets at elementary schools. Carry cash for bail.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh.) (October 24 to November 21) :: Be more fun at the workplace. In your next meeting, pretend you’re an astronaut and there’s no bathroom on board. When you turn in your next report, sign it in ketchup. Have a wooikie record your voicemail message. Watch how people start reacting to you differently.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: It’s time to clean up your language. Respect others more and you’ll gain more respect. Water your plants and your pets on alternate days. If a policeman steps up to you, whistle show tunes as rapidly as possible.   

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: Romance is in the wings, perhaps an old flame will renew or a new one will ignite. In any case, wear asbestos over vital areas. Now is not the time to be shy. If an attractive person approaches you, declare your feelings: “You’re hot!” or “You make me feel like a natural woman!” or “Boxers or briefs?—who cares?—let’s all go commando for the weekend!”

For February, Beau Donie is available for free personal psychic consultations every Monday through Thursday, 6-9pm at the main branch of the Wapatusset Library. “Find me under “s” for “sychic.””

Tiny Mind's Überscope for Middle to Late October 2011

Eat carrots like there was no tomorrow. Play bunnies and foxes with the family. Make munching sounds at work and squiggle your nose up in the grocery store check out line. Not a good month to ask for a raise.

Expect more anxiety this month from unexpected places. Something horrible may happen—or not—but it’s best to check everything twice. For good luck, whenever you go out, be sure to take the exact same path home. Leave markers or little flags if you find that helpful along the way.

Hug your boss once a week. He or she wants to get to know you better.

Take a course in another state this month. Pick a subject that is way out your comfort zone—like knitting concrete, or chugging oil.

This month the dream becomes reality: invest all your savings onto the Tiny Mind Gazette (cash only--in small bills please) and watch as leaves turn color and snow eventually arrives. See? YOU made that happen. Tell others how you did it. Rejoice in your wisdom.

If you choose to exaggerate this month, go big—really big. Tell whoppers. Claim an ancient Norse kingdom. Show the birth certificates of your 297 children. Tell how you have never once lost your keys.

Embrace your mistakes. Make lots this month, some of them on purpose. Strive to not believe everything you believe. Question the concept of “bathing.”

Whip up a new technology. Why not? This is a month to shine. If you tackle time travel, let us know how the future turns out. (And remember who was your best buddy and supporter back in 2011.)

Ask your fellow workers for more personal space. In group meetings, get at least two chairs between you and the next person. Get one of riot police plastic shields if they don’t get the message. Smile often, particularly in the restroom.

An excellent month to express yourself (in song only)–especially at gas stations and movie theaters.

The creative urge will strike at unusual times. Rearrange fence posts at your park or maybe changes all the signs above the grocery store aisles. Others may object, but this is the real you coming out and you should go with it. Also, double your medications.

Someone is tempting you to make a long commitment: new job? New relationship? New set of just slightly used golf clubs complete with head covers and original packaging, designed for longer and straighter ball striking in all conditions (email [email protected]). Then go with it. You only live once. And they’re in beautiful condition.

Tiny Mind Gazette Horoscopes for September 2011

By Beau Donie | The Seer Without Peer

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22)—An excellent month to test your bravery. Sometime in the next 30 days, something will attack you in the basement. You will pee your pants. But stand your ground—wait until the fangs have sunk deeply into your flesh and then do a back flip. That should break its jaw. Run upstairs and call the animal control guy. (And while you’re at it, have him pick up a nice mocha latte on the way.)

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23)— The color orange will serve you well as the moon is in ascension. Cupid has you in his sights this month, but the little goofball let his arrows get rusty, so get a tetanus shot the second you see someone attractive.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21)—You will hear from an old relative during this time. Possibly a dead one. Get the secret handshake before showing off your jewelry.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)—You’ll find appetites on the rise as the weather cools. Or is it the weather will raise as your appetite cools? The archipelago seems to be broken on our vacuumizer, so we will keep your informed of any imminent crises. Meanwhile, remember to hydrate. And hydrate to remember.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—Bumper cars!! Go find them and drive them, but keep off major highways.

Minke The Whale (January 20 to February 19)—An especially good time to hunt for a special antique. Chances are she’s hiding in the attic. Lure her out with a trail of cheddar chunks.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20)—Oopsie! We meant to get this in last month’s horoscope, but are reprinting here as a public service: Hurricane Irene is coming and will probably make a mess in many local communities, Wapatusset among them. Prepare for big waves, heavy winds, and boats tearing away from moorings and such. Don’t leave little animals outside. Except the ones who already live outside.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20)—Don’t wear socks with flip-flops this month. Lots of summer yet to go and you don’t want to overheat those cute little toesies. Put muffins in the toaster, but only toast the left side.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20)—Google yourself frequently during this period. Chances are good that people are starting horrible rumors about you, though most will be false. Rent a pair of those new interweb-trained dogs to hunt down the perpetrators. Report them to the authorities and Louie The Walnut, just to make it interesting.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20)—This month is a prime time for shipping things. Buy something and send it, even if only to yourself. Jupiter is in retrograde, though; so don’t send anything to Florida.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—This is a good month to rein in your entrepreneurial impulses. Hold off before announcing your dazzling new “app.” Others may not be so impressed when they see the strings hanging off of it. Go back to the drawing board and think more “digital.”

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23)—Dance as if no one was watching. Sing as if no one was listening. Spend a month alone in an isolated cabin way up in the mountains until you get this crazy crap out of your system.

Please send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o TinyMindGazette.com who will sift them through his psychic blender and bring them to a state of optimal advisoriness.

 

Jeepers, Hoodies & Red Paint: August 2011 Horoscopes

By Beau Donie | The Seer Without Peer

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Time will reverse for you sometime mid-month. A tip-off will be when people will start saying, “Jeepers, you don’t know if you’re coming or going these days.” Another tip-off is the word “jeepers” itself. Check your calendar regularly and carry a change of underwear for yesterday.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Eat well this month, and exercise frequently, for there will be unusual demands on you during this time, demands that will test your will, sap your strength, and change your zipcode. Wear hoodies when outside and avoid giving the “power finger sign” to other drivers.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Plan your wedding while the Moon is in high entourage, even if you have not yet found a mate. Mates are a dime a dozen, but your day of matrimony is priceless.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Stand in your office chair and practice ski poses at work, particularly if you have glass walls, and even better if you work in a cubicle. Extra points if you’re a welder on high altitude buildings. The increased attention will boost your confidence for when “the right one” walks through your door sometime later this month.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Instead of Saturday and Sunday, start a new trend by referring to these days as “The Week-end.” Say it slowly so people “get it.” Use finger quotes for the slower ones. If in France, call it “Le Weekend.” They’ll eat it up and adore you. Carry a DVD of an old Jerry Lewis movie and you may get a prime table in smart cafes.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: Resist the urge to whisper to cheese during this time, for it is likely to rebound back in unforeseen ways. Remember what happened to Prince Charlemagne of Aquitaine? Well, neither does he, so there you go.

Boehner the Resistor (January 20 to February 19) :: Take a stand and then back away from it several times this month. Keep them on edge with your ever-vigilant truculence. Walk backwards with a huge smile on your face and your hand extended as if you were actually approaching.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: An excellent time for exercising your wanderlust, but not the other kind. Spend time alone, hiking and exploring the nether regions wherever you may be.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hop often during this time, particularly when entering or leaving churches, mosques, and synagogues. Instead of prayers, whisper recipes and see if anyone notices. Sing all hymns backwards, just to break up the routine. If you make it to hell, tell them Tiny Mind Gazette sent you.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Here at mid-summer, it’s a great time to try new sports. Such as mime, perhaps. Remember, everything has its time and place and ringtone. Brush often, especially your tongue, because we know where that’s been.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: Resist the urge to get a pet, even though there will be heavy pressure from relatives to get one. It’s easy for them because they will have no pet duties. Paint as many things red as possible now because there will soon be a shortage of red pigment and this will position you ahead of the curve.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: You’ve been too demanding the last few months and you can see where this has led. So this is an excellent time to relax your standards. Smile at everyone, flirt with DMV employees, and laugh wildly at weather shows while standing in the TV section of BestBuy.

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

Tiny Mind Gazette Horoscopes for July 2011

By Beau Donie, Seer Extraordinaire, Font of Wisdom and Light, Midnight Avenger
(Guaranteed Accuracy Rate of, or Below 100%)

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for growth, though probably not for you.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: I see a great deal of money coming your way :: a veritable fortune…Oh wait, that’s a Brinks truck. Stay on the curb till they drive past. Count your toes.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Scan the obituaries every day this month. If you see your name, this will not be a good period for you. Spend a lot of time lying down.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: One of your distant relatives will appear soon. Photocopy her driver’s license before letting her use your bathroom. Ask her if Uncle Zed actually built Yellowstone Park like the family legend says.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Good things for this water sign: Little Jimmy’s rash will finally clear up, but I wouldn’t share a milkshake with him. Or even a bus.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Put your diary on eBay. Chances are good that it will not only sell for a good price but you will also find a new use for bleu cheese.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A great month to break old ties and start new ones. Greet strangers on the street, invite them in for lemonade, share your life’s most embarrassing moments, such as greeting strangers on the street because you read it online.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: Look for new avenues of investment this month. We suggest sending lots of unmarked bills to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. It looks like a big payoff for someone whose advice you rely upon.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A tough month for this water sign. Watch your step every morning. Your front step. The brickwork seems a little loose. Probably not as loose as your mother, but still…

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: An excellent month to change something you don’t like about yourself. Get a new hairstyle perhaps. Throw out any piece of your wardrobe with orange. Plunge your face into a roiling vat of french fries.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: It looks like you’ll have to be patient just a little longer. The situation you’re anticipating will resolve in 2022.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: An auspicious month when salad tends to watch people. Be sure to shave daily, be honest in all your dealings, and use extra dressing to keep it distracted.

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

Horoscopes: June, June, the Human Baboon

By Beau Donie, Master Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20)—A great time to start that novel you’ve been putting off. Remember: strong nouns, strong verbs, and strong characters. Also lots of condiments make good filler for the slow parts. “While he was away, she relished seeing his nose and tongue print on the window.”

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—Two strangers will come into your life in the next few days. One of them will not have natural hair color. One of them will not have natural hair. Be open to their offers but don’t say yes until you read the fine print.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—Make something special for a female relative today and put it in the freezer. The next time you see her, ask: “Why haven’t you picked up that thing I made for you? It’s taking up a huge amount of space in my freezer. And it’s not even food. What gives?”

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Sometime in the next seven days you will get a “special offer” in the mail. Watch for it and sign up quickly.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—A new relationship is right around the corner for you but it’s probably best if you don’t wear the leash in public.

Scorpio the Scorpion (duh) (October 23 to November 21)—Take the names of all your Facebook friends, and count the letters in them. Now multiply that number by 7. See? I know!  

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— Look both ways before cross-dressing.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)— Eat more today then yesterday. Then tomorrow eat less than today. The next day, eat more. Repeat. Let us know how this all works out.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—You’re thinking of moving again soon, but we counsel waiting just a bit longer. …okay, you can move now.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Exercise! It’s a weekday! And change your own damn tank water. Sheesh.

Aries the March 21 to April 19—This is a great time to work on your foreign accent. Squint when people talk to you and then mutter answers like “Chow-see. Gesundheit avec vous. Yatta woe?”

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)— You have an annoying habit of asking your friends inane questions, such as, if you were a duchess, would you free the trees or make the monkeys into popsicles? Please try to stop, because the thing is, no one wants to be a duchess.

Horoscopes: April Showers Edition 2011

By Beau Donie | Seer, Taster, Sniffer Extraordinaire

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19) ::
A great month to expand your personality. Answer all your home and business calls with a strained French accent, as in “Allo? Ze pearson you ah seeking is not heah. But beerhaps I can huelp you.” Watch your popularity index go through the roof. (Or more accurately “ze rouf.”)

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20) ::
Believe in good fortune. Look for signs in the flight patterns of pigeons. And remember, an odd number of birds means good luck. Count quickly!

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21) ::
This is your time to be assertive. No matter what someone says to you, even a question, repeat it back to them as a question. “John, please come see this.” “Please come see this?” Or if they say: “Are you mocking me?” Answer: “Are you mocking me?”

Cancer The Crab (June 22 to July 22) ::
Cheese will become your friend this month. Embrace it! (Well, not literally.)

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) ::
As flowers begin to peek out from their winter slumber, keep an eye on the yellow ones. They know something dark about your past and are not above sharing it with complete strangers.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22) ::
You will discover a new talent in this period, but so far there is no way to bottle that smell. Nevertheless, persevere.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21) ::
Your neighbors will be unduly jealous of you during this month. So have fun with it. Light your barbecue with $20 bills. Paint “500 lbs.” on your trashcan and lift it over your head in the driveway. Have the President over for dinner and insist he lands in Helicopter 1 on your front lawn.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) ::
If you come to a fork in the road, choose the one on the left and proceed five miles. Then come back and take the one on the right. Repeat your entire conversation verbatim the whole way or you’ll break your mother’s back.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) ::
Paranoia is indeed just a state of mind and everyone thinks you have it.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) ::
You need a drastic change this month. Part your hair on the other side this month. Or if you’ve always had bangs, ask your hairdresser to give you bangs in the back of your head.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20) ::
Someone you thought you shook long ago will surprise you by ringing your doorbell. Return their underwear and they may forgive you.

Horoscope :: "Ides of March" edition 2011

by Beau Donie, Seer, Taster, Sniffer Extraordinaire

Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: You always said you wanted to “be someone” when you grew up. This month, work on being more specific.

Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 20) :: Not everyone following you wants to harm you. Not everyone.

Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: A wonderful time to exchange underwear with strangers. Visit the nearest bus station and look for someone your size.

Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: Your bodily fluids will need a tune-up this month. French fry your salads for a week straight and then drink all liquids via your nose. If your urine is the slightest bit yellow, seek immediate help.

Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: This is the time to take that entrepreneurial leap. Create a new alphabet and send it to publishers. You will likely have no competition so this has huge upside potential to make you rich.

June Brides (The Zillas) :: Oooooohhhhhhh, bad break. You will probably die in the next week. This is a good time to donate all you have. Send cash to the editorial staff at Tiny Mind Gazette.

Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Watch for the hidden code in infomercials. If someone offers to “send you two if you order right now,” then you will know that the message is meant just for you. Write down the phone number, add 2 to each digit, and then count backwards from 17. Sleep on your left side three Tuesdays in a row to keep the woolybongas at bay.

Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 22) :: Setting a national trend is quite possibly in your future. Start singing songs backward, especially in public places. Watch what happens.

Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: An excellent time to start writing letters to convicts. It will unleash your inner creative spirit, and a life term of romance could follow. (And, your virginity will be safe!)

Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: You will discover that someone has secretly been making generous deposits in your savings account. You will then discover that it has been a squirrel. You might want to take your nuts out of safe deposit.

Scorpio the Scorpion [duh!] (October 23 to November 21) :: Your sandals have been plotting all winter. Kill them now and replace them with crocs.

Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Take a philosophical approach to adversity this month. You did something bad, and now you’re paying for it. Suck it up and move on. No whining! I mean it.

Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: You will learn something shocking about your ancestors this month. But ignore their emails.

Your Valentines Week Horoscope By Beau Doni

 

An erratic feature of the Gazette that will appear whenever the great seer has revelations.

Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: The planets are aligned for you this month. Kiss more. Drool less. Leave your bib home on the next date. 

Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: A very good time to try a date within your own species. (The parts are basically the same but the mechanics may be different. Rinse and repeat.)

Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 19) :: You have been prone to loving your neighbor too much. This is a good time to gear back a little and consider the legal consequences.

Alsace-Lorraine the Region (March 20) :: It’s not you, it’s me. No…wait…it is you.

Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: Buy a new picture frame and use the included photo in your Match.com page. Magic could happen.

Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: It’s time to get over a disappointment from the past. When JT didn’t kiss you in the 3^rd grade, it wasn’t personal—it was because of your lip fungus. Move on with your life. (And see a dermatologist immediately.)

Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: Everyone loves surprises! A terrific time to change your racial and gender profile on Facebook.

Overlapping sign: June Brides (The Zillas) :: Don’t let others control your thoughts, particularly in affairs of the heart. The voices are challenging you and this is a good time to talk back—especially in public places so they know you’ll have witnesses.

Lexus the Luxuriant (Memorial Day Weekend) :: Write a deeply erotic poem. Mail it to someone anonymously in your office.  Watch the fun. Clean out your desk.

Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Don’t commit this month. Play the field. Sniff everyone.

Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 21) :: Take up a dead language, and wear scarves in the shower. Drop hints that you know how to make fishing line from cinnamon. Laugh with your eyebrows only.

Iglesias the Crooner (Toad Hop Day, August 22) :: Skip a turn. Lose one month. Pay $200.

Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: Nobody is buying that virgin crap. Get real, for gawd’s sakes.

Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: The moon is in cheddar this month, which makes for a tasty sandwich. Set up two dates for the same evening and be the sandwich yourself.

Scorpio the Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21) :: No one can truly understand the laws of attraction, so take some chances this month. Try walking on one foot only, or introduce yourself to potential soul mates by singing your name, or eat soup with chopsticks. These will get you noticed.

Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Great news for you, the Archer.  Valentine’s arrow will surely find your heart in the next few days. (But just in case, wear a cup.)

By Beau Doni, Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer, Feeler