By Beau Donie, Seer Extraordinaire, Font of Wisdom and Light, Midnight Avenger
(Guaranteed Accuracy Rate of, or Below 100%)
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for growth, though probably not for you.
Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: I see a great deal of money coming your way :: a veritable fortune…Oh wait, that’s a Brinks truck. Stay on the curb till they drive past. Count your toes.
Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Scan the obituaries every day this month. If you see your name, this will not be a good period for you. Spend a lot of time lying down.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: One of your distant relatives will appear soon. Photocopy her driver’s license before letting her use your bathroom. Ask her if Uncle Zed actually built Yellowstone Park like the family legend says.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Good things for this water sign: Little Jimmy’s rash will finally clear up, but I wouldn’t share a milkshake with him. Or even a bus.
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Put your diary on eBay. Chances are good that it will not only sell for a good price but you will also find a new use for bleu cheese.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A great month to break old ties and start new ones. Greet strangers on the street, invite them in for lemonade, share your life’s most embarrassing moments, such as greeting strangers on the street because you read it online.
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: Look for new avenues of investment this month. We suggest sending lots of unmarked bills to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. It looks like a big payoff for someone whose advice you rely upon.
Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A tough month for this water sign. Watch your step every morning. Your front step. The brickwork seems a little loose. Probably not as loose as your mother, but still…
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: An excellent month to change something you don’t like about yourself. Get a new hairstyle perhaps. Throw out any piece of your wardrobe with orange. Plunge your face into a roiling vat of french fries.
Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: It looks like you’ll have to be patient just a little longer. The situation you’re anticipating will resolve in 2022.
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: An auspicious month when salad tends to watch people. Be sure to shave daily, be honest in all your dealings, and use extra dressing to keep it distracted.
Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.