By Beau Donie, Master Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20)—A great time to start that novel you’ve been putting off. Remember: strong nouns, strong verbs, and strong characters. Also lots of condiments make good filler for the slow parts. “While he was away, she relished seeing his nose and tongue print on the window.”
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—Two strangers will come into your life in the next few days. One of them will not have natural hair color. One of them will not have natural hair. Be open to their offers but don’t say yes until you read the fine print.
Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—Make something special for a female relative today and put it in the freezer. The next time you see her, ask: “Why haven’t you picked up that thing I made for you? It’s taking up a huge amount of space in my freezer. And it’s not even food. What gives?”
Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Sometime in the next seven days you will get a “special offer” in the mail. Watch for it and sign up quickly.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—A new relationship is right around the corner for you but it’s probably best if you don’t wear the leash in public.
Scorpio the Scorpion (duh) (October 23 to November 21)—Take the names of all your Facebook friends, and count the letters in them. Now multiply that number by 7. See? I know!
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— Look both ways before cross-dressing.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)— Eat more today then yesterday. Then tomorrow eat less than today. The next day, eat more. Repeat. Let us know how this all works out.
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—You’re thinking of moving again soon, but we counsel waiting just a bit longer. …okay, you can move now.
Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Exercise! It’s a weekday! And change your own damn tank water. Sheesh.
Aries the March 21 to April 19—This is a great time to work on your foreign accent. Squint when people talk to you and then mutter answers like “Chow-see. Gesundheit avec vous. Yatta woe?”
Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)— You have an annoying habit of asking your friends inane questions, such as, if you were a duchess, would you free the trees or make the monkeys into popsicles? Please try to stop, because the thing is, no one wants to be a duchess.