Tiny Mind Gazette

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

Police BLOG: Townie Wars and Dueling Lawnmowers

5/21, 10:20 a.m. – Officers called to scene to break up wrestling match between two middle-aged males in cul-de-sac. According to witnesses, Neighbor A had been taunting Neighbor B for two days about his expensive LawnBott battery-powered robotic lawnmower, calling him a “lazy yuppie.”

Neighbor B had objected to noise and exhaust from Neighbor A’s 30-year-old push mower with smoking Briggs and Stratton engine and rusted muffler, calling him a “redneck townie.” Shouting match quickly escalated to skirmish and then to "freestyle wrestling."

Police cars rushed to the scene but were blocked by seven commercial landscape trucks flanking side street. By the time they reached the men, one had a bloody nose and torn polo shirt; the other suffered from mild abrasions and “extreme heartburn.”

Both men were cited for disturbing the peace. This is the second offense for both in the past two years (see “Snow Blower Rage”). Townie previously cited for incident at Red Ly'in Inn. 

- Reported by Agent SS

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss

Practice Makes Perfect :: microMovie premier by Christopher Harting

 

The Tiny Mind Gazette is proud to be showing Christoper Harting's newest microMovie, "Practice Makes Perfect." The full-featured 1:06 minute, epic adventure features a cast of relatively unknowns engaged in a spring baseball practice. Critics have compared Harting's latest work to other sports movie classics such as Hoosiers, Brian's Song and the critically acclaimed, Catcher in the Rye (see movie still, below). Harting describes his latest masterpiece as, "Spring training plus words of wisdom – at one frame per second."

To see more of Harting's work, please click here.

From the TMG Archives: A couple of Spring flooding features

As the Wapatusset rains continue to fall, we sent one of unpaid interns into the archives to find any Spring flood related articles. Here are a couple of our favorites:

Aquajeep Sinks, Trousers Drop, Greyotes Rumble,
Partiers Seek Higher Ground: It's the Police BLOG
click here

Octogenarian Daredevil Stalls in Third Cross-Causeway Attempt
click here

Squirrels Go Nuts, Homeowners Go Berzerk: Defoliation in the name of Sciurus carolinensis

Is an overzealous Animal Control campaign to blame?

They’re everywhere!  They’re everywhere!

Sciurus carolinensis (the Eastern Gray Squirrel) has taken over Oak Street.

The winter breeding season and the recent southern migration due to a rumored frenzied Animal Control campaign in the northeastern U.S. has caused an exodus of herds of gray squirrels to southern locales.

In an attempt to keep spring plantings and porch plants safe, residents have exhausted all home remedies in combatting these pesky varmints.

The word on the street

“Squirrels supposedly hate red peppers, so I mixed up hot sauce and hot water in the squirt gun and sprayed every last one of them…all I got was ‘FU’ dug into my lawn where they had planted earlier caches of my stale holiday nuts,” said Agnes O’Day.

“I tried trapping and relocating them to a park twenty miles away,” said another Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps. “All they did was recruit more squirrels on the way back… I even tried marking them with spray paint to track them. Now I have two dozen pink tailed squirrels residing in the sweet gum out back,” states Oak Street resident, Dagmar Phelps.

“I tried being nice to them and throwing them peanuts for a few weeks,” said one resident,” but when the food ran out, they started stealing anything wood to chew on… wooden knobs, old holiday ornaments, and even sections of the back screen door.”

Tree trimmers go berzerk

Neighbors heeded the warning words of northern animal control experts and have attempted to reduce the food source of these pesky critters. The Gonzalez and Martinez families on the corner chopped down 50- year-old oaks and reduced eight-foot hedges to toothpick size.

Swarms of tree trimmers were seen yesterday swinging with chainsaws from the branches of the 100-foot sweet gum in Mohammed’s yard in the middle of the neighborhood. All others have followed suit.

As the last tree on Oak Street fell, squirrels could be seen holding their ears and slowly sneaking off to Elm Street.

With the last “Tim-ber”, a two-foot-wide nest of twigs, leaves and scrap cardboard rolled down the lane.  One could glimpse one final message as the dwelling broke open: “Scrim Shaw for Global Animal Control.”

Reporting from the acorn-enriched and foliage-depleted wasteland –Dr. F.

TMG Travel Tips: A frequent flier’s rant on animal/passenger behavior (and other pet peeves)

Ethology 101: Flight etiquette Mother Nature forgot to imprint at birth

Avoid getting the ethologists and the animal behaviorists in one airport waiting lounge or they'll be debating whether flying manners are genetic impressions or a learned behavior.

Do economy-class travelers automatically know to find the largest allowable roll-aboard to Bogart as much overhead space, or does it take years of practice?

Does a new flyer automatically know to place their questionable carry-ons in all available seats in the waiting area or is it developed along with frequent flyer miles?

Do Canadian vacationers going south for the winter intuitively know to drop the seatback into your lap like some out of control Lazy-Boy or did they read “Annoying Flying tips for Dummies”?

Resident TMG Ethologist and Diamond Club Air Miles member Konrad Conrad weighed in on the controversy and points out the following imprinted spring break flying tips:

• Newly hatched goslings identify the first moving object they see as “mother”; you may also get called “mother------“ if you wake up from your mid-flight nap drooling on the shoulder of the biker in the aisle seat next to you.
• Positioning for seating zones is like Karl von Frisch’s “dance language of bees.” Keep an eye out for the gentleman with the fake-Gucci computer bag and the Chuck Taylors; he's making a bee line to be the first in front of you for Zone 4.
• The sound and impact of the wheels hitting the runway set in motion the “get out first” instinct. Beware the Japanese tourist boogie boarding down the aisle on his luggage immediately after landing!
• Chemoreception 101: Remember that pheromones are a mix of good smells and bad smells. Giving in to the instinct to get a window seat in mid-plane will avoid the mixed “aroma” of the rear galley, the lavatory, and Joe Johnson's feet in seat 39C.
• Just like the communication systems of the mighty eel, travelers instinctively sense when it is time start electrically mind-melding via cell even before the pilot announces it. Just make sure you don't press that wild condor call app by mistake! 

The next time you fly, just relax and let your inner seagull lead the way to a more enjoyable flight.

by the Mysterious Dr. F, world traveler, amateur scientist and cultural affairs attache

Animal Control Candidate, Scrim Shaw: “I wasn’t drunk but I had been drinking.”

Report from the Campaign Trail.

Having been out on the campaign trail for several weeks, I have been heartened by the widespread support and feel more confident than ever. With election day right around the corner, I am convinced that I will soon have an engraved nameplate on the door to the animal control office (located in the maintenance shed, directly behind Wapatusset Town Hall).

But whether I win or lose, this campaign ordeal has taught me several very important lessons. Here is my short list:

1. When you borrow a penguin from the aquarium, work through the proper channels and receive the proper sign-off.

I was terribly mistaken in thinking that these creatures were participating in aquarium activities by their own free will. Although my former penguin sidekick, Chauncey, received an overwhelming share of positive attention as we waved signs and flippers to vehicles entering and exiting the Super Stop & Chat, I did not anticipate things going so far. What was thought to be a brief “bio-break” turned out to be Chauncey’s premeditated visit to the seafood counter. Some found his tap dancing routine hilarious, others found it unsanitary and disturbing. To avoid a lengthy court proceeding, the damages were absorbed by my own pocketbook and I have agreed to step neither foot nor flipper in the store again. The tuxedoed pescetarian was returned to captivity, and all criminal charges have been dropped. For future campaigning, I might recommend a chimpanzee or heavily sedated squirrel.

2. Upon the recommendation of my campaign manager, underwriting and chaperoning a Boy Scouts overnight in the abandoned wolf dens seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Besides, how might one achieve the wild animal husbandry merit badge, without a real-time experience? Perhaps it was the ignition of the smuggled fireworks that set things in motion. There is also a good chance that the loud and horribly off-key campfire songs started the snowball rolling down the steep and slippery slope. Whatever it was, or whoever was to blame, it awoke the 600 lb. narcoleptic Sasquatch with a start and within seconds cleared the immediate area of all animals, vegetables and minerals. In the end, all scouts and leaders were accounted for, but the matter is still under investigation with the Old Colony regional scouting board.

3. The Easter Sunday/Campaign Bunny Hop was a “fun-raiser” intended to bring friends and family together on the town common, to watch the adorable white rabbits hop through the green grass.

For those who gathered up their children and left early, it was a delightful event. For those who witnessed the birds of prey attack, it is a deeply etched visual memory that will linger in craniums for many years ahead. After the first two hares were snatched, shocked volunteers were unable to herd the remaining bunnies into their hutches. The full-scale aerial assault left five rabbits heading to the happy hopping ground.

4. For those who volunteered their tropical fish for the licensing demonstration, I owe you a trip to the pet store.

Duct tape has always been a staple in my toolbox, and who would not consider it the perfect solution to attaching license collars to the necks of small fish? We never imagined that the strong adhesive might remove a substantial portion of a small fish’s scales. Despite the terrible blunder, we have retooled and returned to our initial concept: applying a fish’s registered license number with an ultra-fine, waterproof Sharpie.

Time to get back on the campaign merry-go-round. I still have several “meet and greets” and koffee klatches to attend, plus the hot dog and beans jamboree. Thank you for your time. Remember to get out and vote—and when you vote, vote Scrim Shaw for animal control officer!