By Beau Donie | Seer, Taster, Sniffer Extraordinaire
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19) ::
A great month to expand your personality. Answer all your home and business calls with a strained French accent, as in “Allo? Ze pearson you ah seeking is not heah. But beerhaps I can huelp you.” Watch your popularity index go through the roof. (Or more accurately “ze rouf.”)
Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20) ::
Believe in good fortune. Look for signs in the flight patterns of pigeons. And remember, an odd number of birds means good luck. Count quickly!
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21) ::
This is your time to be assertive. No matter what someone says to you, even a question, repeat it back to them as a question. “John, please come see this.” “Please come see this?” Or if they say: “Are you mocking me?” Answer: “Are you mocking me?”
Cancer The Crab (June 22 to July 22) ::
Cheese will become your friend this month. Embrace it! (Well, not literally.)
Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) ::
As flowers begin to peek out from their winter slumber, keep an eye on the yellow ones. They know something dark about your past and are not above sharing it with complete strangers.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22) ::
You will discover a new talent in this period, but so far there is no way to bottle that smell. Nevertheless, persevere.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21) ::
Your neighbors will be unduly jealous of you during this month. So have fun with it. Light your barbecue with $20 bills. Paint “500 lbs.” on your trashcan and lift it over your head in the driveway. Have the President over for dinner and insist he lands in Helicopter 1 on your front lawn.
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) ::
If you come to a fork in the road, choose the one on the left and proceed five miles. Then come back and take the one on the right. Repeat your entire conversation verbatim the whole way or you’ll break your mother’s back.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) ::
Paranoia is indeed just a state of mind and everyone thinks you have it.
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) ::
You need a drastic change this month. Part your hair on the other side this month. Or if you’ve always had bangs, ask your hairdresser to give you bangs in the back of your head.
Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20) ::
Someone you thought you shook long ago will surprise you by ringing your doorbell. Return their underwear and they may forgive you.