by Beau Donie, Seer, Taster, Sniffer Extraordinaire
Aquarius the Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18) :: You always said you wanted to “be someone” when you grew up. This month, work on being more specific.
Pisces the Fish (February 19 to March 20) :: Not everyone following you wants to harm you. Not everyone.
Aries the Ram (March 21 to April 19) :: A wonderful time to exchange underwear with strangers. Visit the nearest bus station and look for someone your size.
Taurus the Bull (April 20 to May 20) :: Your bodily fluids will need a tune-up this month. French fry your salads for a week straight and then drink all liquids via your nose. If your urine is the slightest bit yellow, seek immediate help.
Gemini the Twins (May 21 to June 21) :: This is the time to take that entrepreneurial leap. Create a new alphabet and send it to publishers. You will likely have no competition so this has huge upside potential to make you rich.
June Brides (The Zillas) :: Oooooohhhhhhh, bad break. You will probably die in the next week. This is a good time to donate all you have. Send cash to the editorial staff at Tiny Mind Gazette.
Cancer the Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Watch for the hidden code in infomercials. If someone offers to “send you two if you order right now,” then you will know that the message is meant just for you. Write down the phone number, add 2 to each digit, and then count backwards from 17. Sleep on your left side three Tuesdays in a row to keep the woolybongas at bay.
Leo the Lion (July 23 to August 22) :: Setting a national trend is quite possibly in your future. Start singing songs backward, especially in public places. Watch what happens.
Virgo the Virgin (August 23 to September 22) :: An excellent time to start writing letters to convicts. It will unleash your inner creative spirit, and a life term of romance could follow. (And, your virginity will be safe!)
Libra the Scales (September 23 to October 22) :: You will discover that someone has secretly been making generous deposits in your savings account. You will then discover that it has been a squirrel. You might want to take your nuts out of safe deposit.
Scorpio the Scorpion [duh!] (October 23 to November 21) :: Your sandals have been plotting all winter. Kill them now and replace them with crocs.
Sagittarius the Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Take a philosophical approach to adversity this month. You did something bad, and now you’re paying for it. Suck it up and move on. No whining! I mean it.
Capricorn the Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: You will learn something shocking about your ancestors this month. But ignore their emails.